


Cursed

by sunalso



Series: Curse-verse [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Bloodplay, Bodyswap, Drama, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 176,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6260314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunalso/pseuds/sunalso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Season 2. Following the vampire attack on Sunnydale High in 'School Hard,' Buffy and Drusilla find themselves switching bodies every night between sunset and sunrise. Who do you become when you walk far more than a mile in your enemy's shoes?</p><p>A/N: Some canon events are either stretched over a longer timeline or compressed into a shorter one to fit the needs of the story. </p><p>This story is archived at FF.NET, EF and AO3 ONLY.</p><p>Beta'd by AnnaH, 13Lilies and Gort.</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: There is an implied rape. Nothing is "on camera." However, the characters do have to deal with the aftermath. The last section of Chapter 21 (starts with the date Jan. 20th) contains some potential triggering material and can be skipped without losing track of the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Not Dru

Wake up tonight  
     Goo Goo Dolls, “Stay With You”

****

_Thursday, September 25, 1997_

Well, that’d been fun. I stood in the shower letting the hot water sooth away the aches and pains from my fight earlier at the school. Stupid vampire, he was supposed to wait till Saturday. He’d said he’d kill me on Saturday, not Thursday night. I’d worked so hard to make everything perfect for Parent-Teacher night, too. I was pissed with stupid Spike and his stupid hair and stupid clothes for ruining what had been an otherwise, well, absolutely terrible evening.

The vanilla shampoo smelled terrific as I scrubbed my hair. Truthfully, things hadn’t been going that great, what with Principal Snyder telling my Mom what a big pain in the butt I was. I just could have used a distraction that involved slightly less death and without the risk of great bodily harm to those I care about. I really don’t know how my Mom didn’t clue into the whole Slayer situation, but at least she recognized I’m somewhat capable of taking care of things.

With the last suds rinsed away, I stepped out of the shower and pulled a big fluffy towel around me. Wiping the condensation off the mirror, I looked at myself. Same girl as always. There was a big purple bruise discoloring my left arm. It’d be a few days before I could wear anything sleeveless. Idiot, moronic, dumb vampire. A little moisturizer and a comb through my hair and  
I was all ready for bed.

After pulling my favorite fuzzy PJs on, I went to find my Mom for a goodnight kiss.

She was downstairs, making a grocery list.

“Oh, honey,” she wrapped me in a big hug, “Are you sure that guy didn’t hurt you?” She brushed the damp hair out of my face, giving me a concerned look.

“I’m all with the okey and the dokey Mom. What about you? It’s not every day you hit somebody with an axe.” Unlike me, I mentally added. Also, Spike really didn’t count as a somebody. Thing - yes, body - no. Of course, my Mom had bought the gang on PCP excuse that was the official Sunnydale PD line, and I wasn’t about to enlighten her.

She smiled at me. “Thanks for the concern, but he was trying to hurt you. I’m just sorry I didn’t hit him harder.” Well, that made two of us. My life would be a thousand times easier if Spike was a big pile of dust.

I pressed a kiss to her cheek and headed for the depths of my warm and comfy bed. Snuggling down under the comforter I tried to lay on my left side, but the bruise on my arm smarted. I rolled to the right and felt my hip twinge from where I’d landed on it during the fight. Lying on my back made my shoulders complain loudly. Fabulous, every ache was reminding me of the monster that caused it. A good sleep and Slayer healing meant that I'd be just fine in the morning, but that wasn't making things any easier right this second.

Somehow I'd managed to avoid cracking any ribs, so laying on my stomach and hugging my pillow ended up being my only viable option. Of course, once I got my body relaxed it didn't mean my mind followed.

I kept playing the fight over and over in my mind. Spike had killed two Slayers in the past, though I didn't know how or when. He probably would have added another notch to his belt tonight if my Mom hadn't intervened. It was scary to admit that he might be a better fighter than I was. At least he'd fought fair, unlike the Master with his thrall or Darla with her guns. Spike had been willing to go toe to toe, just fists and fangs. Though he’d done the wiggy hand thing when I'd asked him about weapons. I'm sure he was just trying to psych me out somehow by running a hand down his abdomen. And damn him, because it'd totally worked. I'd felt kind of all fluttery and funny for a second.

I needed to stop thinking about this and go to sleep. Like now. I'd train harder and I'd dust Spike the next time he attacked. And there'd so totally be a next time. Angel had told me that his bleach blonde, ridiculous, leather-clad ass wouldn’t give up. Well, I'd be ready for him.

Angel - the thought made me smile against my pillow. I imagined those coffee brown eyes gazing into mine, my name on his lips. He was my knight in shining armor. Not that I spent a lot of time needing to be saved. Mostly, I spent long, boring nights walking through graveyards by myself. Would it kill him to keep me company sometimes? And where was he earlier? I could have used his help fighting Spike. Wonderful, now I was thinking about the bleached menace again.

Angel, Angel, Angel, Angel, Angel!

I kept my eyes tightly closed and tried to do some of the breathing exercises for relaxation that Giles had taught me. Deep breath in through my nose, hold it, and out through my mouth. Rinse and repeat.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, though of course I didn't remember it. The next thing I was aware of was a weird, swimmy, feeling in the pit of my stomach and the sensation of falling. I sat bolt upright in bed, only I must be dreaming because I wasn't in my bed or even in my room. I reached my hand out to run it over the silky looking sheets, but - oh, God- that wasn't my hand. The fingers were long, graceful, and white as a bone.

It was a very lucid dream, every minute detail in stark focus and technicolor. I brought both hands up in front of my face, turning them this way and that. I wiggled the (my?) fingers, marveling at the slim knuckles and carefully manicured nails. The black polish was immaculate, something that just didn't happen when you were the Slayer and spent a lot of time punching things. The sheer strangeness of the situation was blunted by the fact that I was so damned hungry. My middle felt hollow.

A warm chuckle from across the room had my eyes snapping to the doorway. To my horror Spike was standing there, fists on hips, apparently laughing at me. I scuttled back against the headboard, then to the side of the bed farthest from him. I wanted to fight, but I felt wrong, and weak.

He raised an eyebrow at me “Something's the matter, Dru?”

“I'm not Dru.” I said in a voice and accent that wasn't mine.

Spike’s face took on an indulgent look, and he walked around the side of the bed to stand next to me. I gulped, terror and panic welling up inside. But there was something missing. A sensation that should be there that wasn't.

“If you're not Dru, who are you then, pet?” He had rather long eyelashes for a man, I mean vampire, which I hadn't noticed before. Currently he was looking at me through them, a half smile tugging up one corner of his lips. I couldn't very well blurt out that I was Buffy, or the Slayer. Obviously, whoever’s body I was in, it wasn't mine. It must belong to this “Dru.” Some major wigging was going on in my brain. At that moment my empty middle gave a painful stab.

“I'm hungry.” I said without much thought. The amusement fled from Spike’s face and he sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. He took one of my hands in his, and his fingers felt neither warm nor cold, just a little rougher than my own. Fear threatened to choke me. I was being touched by an evil, soulless vampire. I wanted to push him away or punch him in the nose. Only I, or I guess this body, felt far too fragile to make much of a go at either.

Spike was looking worriedly into my eyes, which caused more wiggy feelings. I fluttered my free hand, nerves making me restless. I brought it up against my chest to keep the damn thing still.

“I'm sorry, luv,” he was saying. “I was a mite busy tonight. I promise, I'll go out hunting tomorrow and bring you something tasty.”

Suddenly, I figured out what was wrong with the body I was in. Under the hand on my chest there was no movement. I was terrified and my heart wasn't pounding away. My eyes grew round and I gasped. I glared back at the starling blue eyes that looking at me in concern. “I don't have a heartbeat.” I said.

Spike threw his head back and laughed. When he looked at me again his eyes were twinkling and that indulgent smile was back.

“Been rather a long time on that one.” He brought the hand he was holding to his mouth and kissed my knuckles with surprising soft lips. Oh, eww, no. I'm not going to have any opinion about his lips, or any other part of him, for that matter. If only I were stronger, I fumed. His guard was completely down and it'd be easy to stake him.

I also had to deal with the obvious: Dru was a vampire. I was stuck in a vampire’s body. Not cool. It meant this hideous, aching emptiness wasn’t a craving for a Big Mac and fries. I was feeling a vampire’s hunger for blood. Gross. Did that also mean there was a demon inside here with me? I didn't feel particularly demonic.

The lack of what Spike would consider 'something tasty' suddenly made me glad. In the presence of blood, I’d seen more than one vampire lose their cool and become nothing more than their desire to feed. I really didn't want to find out how Dru’s body would react when presented with a meal. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I ate somebody. It occurred to me that he was probably planning on bringing me, as in the Slayer, back to Dru for dinner. So now I was suffering hunger pains because Spike didn't beat me at the school. Wow, weird.

Standing up, Spike tugged at my hand. “Let's go make nice with his highness, shall we?” Hesitantly, I stood up next to him, and immediately realized that I was several inches taller than normal. I felt like a giraffe, and that thought coupled with the strangeness of it all made me giggle. Spike gave me a smile and tucked my hand into his elbow, like he was escorting me at a ball. I would still rather not be touching him, but since I didn't know what was happening or where we were going, I let him guide me.

We didn't go far, just down a hallway and up a set of steps into a huge room that must have once been the factory’s work floor. Whatever machines that had been here were now long gone, but there were still chains and hooks all over the place. Even a couple of cages. There were also vampires. I stopped suddenly, making Spike stumble. He cursed quietly under his breath, rubbing his side. He'd been limping too. It was enough to make a Slayer feel proud.

“Did I hurt you?” I asked, forgetting myself for a moment.

He turned to face me, uncomfortably close. I could smell him. Not like he stank, just a very clear scent that belonged to him. Must be the vampire body I was in, since I could smell a lot of other things too. Dust, old wood polish, something spicy but faint, the other vampires in the room, as well as cigarettes and leather. The last two were part of Spike, but separate from whatever made him uniquely him. How did I ever manage to sneak up on vampires at all when they had noses like this?

“Not you,” he said, shaking his head. “The Slayer. I was close baby, but . . .”

He’d grabbed my hand again, and I gave it a squeeze out of pity. I immediately wished I hadn't as he stepped closer and dropped his head onto my shoulder. He didn't seem to notice my awkward stiffness. Whoever Dru was, she must be totally looney since Spike seemed willing to accept any amount of weird behavior I tossed his way. Thank goodness for small favors.

He heaved a sigh into my shoulder. Weird vampire with all the breathing. Was I breathing? Well, now I was since I was thinking about it. Spike’s voice was muffled against me “A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.”

I smiled, glad to know I was throwing a monkey wrench in his plans. I let go of his hand and ducked away from him. I'd started getting those fluttery feelings again and I couldn't afford to be distracted. “I'm sure you'll get her next time,” fat chance, “and we can have a party.”

Spike had turned away from me to look at the group of vampires across the room. “Yeah, a party.” He said distractedly.

“I'll sing you Happy Birthday.” For some reason I found it annoying that he wasn't still focused on me. He just ignored my inane comment. For which I was actually glad. I'd meant it to bug him and be silly, but I’d wound up thinking more of Marilyn Monroe’s breathy version.

“How's the Annoying One?” Spike asked. I looked again at the other vamps, and sure enough one of them was the boy who'd led me down into the Master’s chamber. Great - there was no way I had any idea how he was doing.

“The same.” I answered.

“Well, I better go make nice.” He left me standing there, going over to kneel in front of the Anointed One. While I didn't really know him, the whole posture seemed very un-Spike like to me. The Anointed One and his cronies seemed to be eating it up though. I was surprised I could hear what they were saying. Vampire hearing, I guess.

It turned out I was right however, as Spike spent about thirty seconds being contrite before laughing in their faces. He grabbed the Anointed One and knocked out the minion that tried to oppose him.

Spike tossed the small vampire (I refused to think of him as a kid, the demon had completely taken over) into a cage and hauled it up into the first sunlight of dawn. There went one of my headaches up in a puff of smoke.

I smiled at Spike as he strolled back over to me. I felt weirdly grateful that he'd made the most pressing of my problems as the Slayer better, even if he did it unknowingly.

He grabbed my hand again. “Let's see what's on TV.” I started to follow him when the vertigo hit me. My stomach rolled and then I was back in my bedroom on Revello Drive, sitting at my vanity, and looking at my normal Buffy face in the mirror. Well, almost normal. My makeup and hair had been done to perfection. I put a hand over my heart, feeling it's comfortable pulse.

I also wasn't dressed in PJs anymore. I had a black sweater and blue jeans on, with a pair of heels. What was going on? Had I been sleep walking? It all had to just be a very, very odd dream, right? Not that I was thrilled my subconscious had spent most of the night making me dream about Spike.

I stood up, and my diary and a notebook lying open on my bed caught my eye. I walked over and picked up the notebook, a pink pen clattering to the floor. The handwriting was neat and old fashioned.

_Hi Buffy!_

_I'm sorry I read you diary, but I wanted to know who I woke up in. My name is Drusilla. I hope you didn't hurt my Spike too much; I need him to take care of me. You have a pretty face. it was nice to see it._

 

Oh hell.


	2. I Didn't Tell

A little bit weaker than you used to be

            Goo Goo Dolls, “Broadway”

 

_****_

_Friday- September 26, 1997_

 

I’d started out with really good intentions. I’d planned to show up at the library, bright and early, and tell Giles the whole thing. All of it. Every last bit of it. I would leave nothing out. We’d get with the researching to figure out what the heck had happened, and then like always we’d come up with a nifty solution and everything would be back to normal-ish again. Hopefully by the end of the day.

 

Only the closer I got to the library, the more my resolve wavered. It’d only been the one night; it might not even happen again. And what if someone overheard me telling Giles? If word got out that something was up with the Slayer, demons the whole world over would be heading to Sunnydale. Dru hadn’t done anything bad while she was in my body, and I’d learned some important information. I could find out even more if this kept up. Wasn’t I supposed to keep my enemies close?

 

I’d talked myself around and around in circles, and by the time I was actually standing in front of my Watcher, I found myself tongue tied.

 

“You doing alright Buffy?” He asked. It was just us in the library, the school was closed after the excitement of a “gang on PCP” attacking last night. Even Willow and Xander were absent.

 

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just had a crazy Slayer dream last night. I’m pretty sure the Anointed One is dust now.” There, I was useful and didn’t give anything away.

 

“How did that happen?” He asked.

 

I shrugged “If my dream was right, Spike took him out.”

 

“Well, that’s both good and bad.” Giles picked up a book and started flipping through it. “It’ll be excellent if we no longer have to worry about the Anointed One-”

 

“Oh, also the vamps lost too many minions last night, so no worries about an attack on St. Vigeous.” I broke in.

 

“Well, that is certainly good news. However, I am worried that Spike is apparently consolidating his power.” Giles frowned, looking down at the book in his hands.

 

My mind was all with the loopy confusion. There was the fight with Spike last night, where he’d tried to kill me and he seemed all kinds of scary and evil, but then later with Dru he’d been tender. I really didn’t believe he thought in terms like ‘consolidating power,’ he was too brash and in the moment. Instead of saying any of that, I asked the most pressing question on my mind. “Who’s Drusilla?”

 

“Er- who’s who?” Giles asked, looking up from his book.

 

“Another vampire, Drusilla; in my dream she was with Spike.” I pulled down on the sleeves of my sweater and crossed my arms. I was really nervous and hoped it didn’t show.

 

Giles made a hemming noise and went into his office. I could hear him pulling books off the shelf. After a few minutes he returned, holding out an old picture. “Is this her?”

 

I had no idea what Dru looked like, having only seen out of her eyes. The woman in the photo was gorgeous. She was dressed in white with luminous dark eyes and a generous mouth. Long fingered hands rested in her lap. For a moment I closed my eyes, remembering holding up my hands last night. I was pretty sure they were the same.

 

“Yeah, that’s her.” I handed the picture back to Giles. “What can you tell me about her?”

 

“Drusilla is, or was, a paramour of Spike’s- but she was killed by an angry mob in Prague.” Giles stuck the picture back in a book.  

 

“I’m pretty darn sure she’s still alive,” I said. I had a note from her in my backpack. If she’d been nearly killed that could explain why her body felt so weak. It must have been a frightening amount of damage if a vampire couldn’t entirely heal from it.

 

Giles shook his head. “I really didn’t read anything about her since the Council thought she was dead. I’ll have to do some research and get back to you. For now, let’s train, then you have patrol tonight.”

 

****

 

When I got home, all sweaty and gross from Giles putting me through my paces, I pulled the notebook out of my bag. Just in case this hadn’t been a one-time Freaky Friday ordeal, I better leave Drusilla a note. Using a black pen, I wrote below what she’d put down:

 

_Dru-_

_Nice to meet you! Tonight I have patrol, so I have to take my weapons (look under the bed) and go out and walk around the cemeteries in Sunnydale and kill any vampires or demons I find. I sneak in and out of my window so my Mom doesn’t know. I haven’t had dinner yet, so you may want to grab the pizza out of the fridge before you go. Can you leave me a tally if you do slay anything? Thanks! Also, if it’s possible can you eat during the day? It really sucked (ha!ha!) being so hungry last night._

_xoxo, Buffy_

 

_P.S. I didn’t tell anyone_

_P.P.S. You can fight, right?_

 

I searched around on the floor until I found the pink pen I’d dropped this morning, and left it and the notebook on the corner of the bed where I’d found it. I pulled the blinds open, and my algebra book out of my bag. Might as well try to get some of my homework done. My grades were bad enough as it was.

 

Late afternoon deepened into twilight. I’d finished the math assignment and was trying to plow through Pride and Prejudice, the novel we were reading in English, when vertigo hit me like a ton of bricks. I blinked and was lying flat on my back, staring up at a very different ceiling. Guess it wasn’t a onetime deal then. Lucky me.

 

I stretched my arms up over my head, arching my back and enjoying the way the sheets moved over my skin. All my skin. Drusilla had been sleeping naked.

 

There was a purring noise next to me, and I turned my head to see Spike laying on his side, head propped up on one hand, watching me. The red sheet was bunched up around his waist, and his chest was bare. My eyes sort of skimmed down from his smirk to his navel, and I wondered if he was naked as I was. My eyes widened and flew back at his face. I was not thinking about Spike naked. Not at all.  The vampire in question was smiling more broadly now, and he did a thing with his tongue, behind his teeth, that got the flutters going again.  Or, uh, no.

 

I quickly turned away and sat up on the edge of the bed. I tried to stand, wondering where Dru kept her dresses, but my legs didn’t entirely want to cooperate. Also, I was still incredibly hungry.

 

There was a heavy sigh from behind me. “Hang on a minute, luv. Let me help you so you don’t end up a bloody heap on the floor.”

 

I could hear Spike get up and the rustles that I assumed were him getting dressed. He walked around in front of me, and I instinctively covered my arms over my chest and made sure my knees were tight together. Logic dictated that he’d seen everything before, probably many, many times, but not while I was the one in residence. He had a dress in hand, a lovely black one.

 

He held out his hand to me “Up then ducks, let’s get presentable.”  

 

Reluctantly I peeled one hand away from my chest and put it in his. He was gentle as he pulled me up and made sure I could stay standing before bringing the dress over my head. From behind me he helped guide the fabric into place, pulling my hair out of the neckline and tying the bow. For an evil vampire he made an excellent ladies’ maid.

 

Taking my elbow, he led me over to a vanity and sat me on the stool. There was no mirror, of course. The emptiness inside me was painful and I put my hands to my stomach as a jolt of misery ran through my middle.

 

“What’s wrong?” Spike asked, hand on my shoulder.

 

“Still hungry.” I said, turning my head to glare at him. His pained, contrite expression almost made me feel guilty, almost.

 

“I’ll go out right away. Let me just do this first.” He reached over to the vanity for an antique hairbrush. With practiced strokes he started running it over my hair. It felt heavenly. I closed my eyes, getting lost in the sensation. I hadn’t had someone brush my hair outside of the salon since I was a little girl. It felt so delicious that a little moan escaped me. Spike chuckled and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.

 

“That’s the most I think you’ve ever enjoyed that. Now,” he took my elbow and helped me to stand again, though I was less unsteady this time, and led me over to where numerous old fashioned dolls were arranged on a dresser. He sat me down on a chair there and opened one the drawers, to reveal numerous outfits, ribbons, and a smaller version of the hairbrush he’d used on me.  Kneeling down before me, Spike put a hand on each of my knees and looked into my eyes. “You take care of your dolls, and I’ll go get us something for tea. Be back as soon as I can. Don’t go anywhere.” I nodded and he got up, grabbed his coat from a peg, and headed out.

 

“Wait,” I called after him. He came back inside the room. Then, not knowing why I said it, “The Slayer will be out patrolling tonight.”

 

He grinned wolfishly at me. “Don’t worry poodle, I won’t try tangling with her again for a bit.”

 

I nodded, reassured, though I was more worried he’d hurt Dru in my body, than that she’d attack him. With a swirl of leather, he was gone. Having nothing else to do I grabbed one of the dolls and changed its outfit. Then I brushed out its hair and re-braided it. This was something else I hadn’t done since I was a kid. It was actually kind of soothing. I repeated the process with five more dolls before growing bored. Did Dru seriously spend her free time playing with these things? Shouldn’t she be hatching evil vampire plots or dreaming about ripping people apart instead of messing around with toys? 

 

A flapping from the corner grabbed my attention. There was a parrot, in a cage. Way to up the odd factor.  Being careful not to fall, I made my way over to it. There didn’t seem to be any food or water, even though there were places to put them. I found a bag of birdseed in a box next to the cage. I fed the bird, which squawked in gratitude. Water was a little harder to find. I could smell it though, and located a basin on a stand behind the door. The water appeared clean and I quickly scooped some up and brought it back to the bird. I wondered if he had a name. By concentrating, I could hear its rapid little heartbeat, which I guess was kind of cool.

 

Bored again I wandered around the room. Beneath a couple of Spike’s dirty shirts, I found a stack of books. They all seemed to be the type of thing we read in school. There was a copy of Pride and Prejudice, so I shrugged and curled up on the bed to continue working on my reading assignment. I really did not want to fail any of my classes.

 

Spike was gone for a long time. I swore I could feel the passing of the night, and knew how far off dawn was. Handy skill to have when you burst into flames in sunlight. I wondered if all vampires could do that. I’d have to ask Dru in a note.

 

I’d read past the chapter we’d been assigned, and was really getting into the story. Why couldn’t Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy see they were meant for each other? I’d just flicked over a page when Spike came storming back in, startling me and making me drop the book.

 

“Damn it, you made me lose my place!” I griped at him. Then I noticed he wasn’t alone. There was a body slung over his shoulder. It wasn’t dead, I could hear the heart beating, the swoosh of blood through all those arteries and veins. I was so hungry, so very hungry.

 

No. No. No. I was the Slayer.

 

I looked down at the blanket I was sitting on, picked at a nearly non-existent piece of lint.

 

“I’m not hungry,” I lied.

 

Spike dropped the guy, who looked and smelled like he was homeless, on the floor.

 

“I know the git’s not what you like, but I had to be careful. C’mon luv, you always do this.” The last was almost a whine.

 

“Later. Take him away, I’ll eat later.” I waved my hand in a dismissing gesture. Spike grumbled, but dragged the man out of the room. I knew there was no way to save him; even during daylight in my regular body I couldn’t fight through as many vamps as there were here, plus Spike, to rescue him.

 

I heard chains clank, then Spike came strolling back into the room. I’d picked the book up and was trying to find where I’d been, while simultaneously ignoring the empty ache inside.

 

“Are you . . . reading?” he finally asked.

 

“Got bored. Why don’t you take your shoes off and stay awhile?”

 

He shrugged off the heavy leather coat and hung it up, his boots going under the bed. I was guessing from his perplexed expression that Drusilla didn’t read a lot. “So, Pride and Prejudice?” He asked, sitting down on the bed. I watched him from under my lashes as he somehow made arranging himself against the headboard and stretching his legs out look graceful.

 

“I think I’m in love with Mr. Darcy,” I told him.

 

“The wanker,” Spike rolled those ice blue eyes of his. “Y’know, if him and Elizabeth had just gotten over themselves for two seconds and actually had a decent chat, that book could have been a whole hell of a lot shorter.”

 

“But not nearly as much fun,” I stuck my tongue out at him, then made a big show of turning back to the page I was reading. I'd only gotten through another paragraph when I found the novel plucked out of my hands.

 

Spike settled back, waving his prize at me. “Allow me, pet.” He obviously wanted me to cuddle up to him, but, well- no. Just no. I was so not ready to get snugly with the evil undead. Which might be a touch hypocritical since I was currently occupying an evil undead body. But, hello, I still had a not evil Slayer mind inside.

 

Instead I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. He waited a minute, until it was clear I wasn't moving, then he started reading at the top of the page I'd left off at. His voice was rich and warm, and his accent sounded different - softer, more like Giles’. Since I had nothing else to do and nowhere else to go, I let the words and Spike's voice wash over me.

 

After a while I realized my chest was vibrating slightly. It was a low rumble that culminated in the back of my throat. I was purring. My eyes that had been at half-mast snapped back open. I looked up at the vampire reading to me, only to find his eyes twinkling down at me.

 

“It's nice to see you happy, Luv.” He smiled, and went back to the book. For a minute I was stunned. Happy? I couldn't be happy. Sitting in a dank factory listening to my greatest enemy read a book that he was potentially older than, could not possibly make me happy. Oh, and I'd forgotten the guy in chains that’d be vamp food later.

 

That threw a bucket of cold water over me. I quit with the freaky purring and half sat up. Immediately, Spike set the book down.

 

“Is something wrong, my princess?” He ran a finger over my cheek, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. It was such a familiar, intimate gesture on his part that I felt embarrassed to be the focus of it. Obviously, he had some very deep feelings for Drusilla. I lay back down, resigned that there was nothing I could do at the moment.

 

Shifting in the bed, Spike lay down next to me. He continued to stroke my hair, light touches that were meant to be soothing. The really wig inducing thing was that I did find it comforting. My body relaxed. I just didn’t dare turn my head and meet his eyes. The ceiling was much, much safer territory.

 

“Spike,” It was the first time I’d said his name in this body. I hated that it came out in Dru’s ridiculous accent, sounding like ‘Spoik.’

 

“Yes?” It was a whisper, much closer to my ear than I’d expected. One of those unneeded breaths he took tickled my cheek.

 

“Uh- can you keep reading? Until I fall asleep?”

 

Spike moved away from me with an exasperated sigh. It probably wasn’t what he’d been hoping to hear, but he didn’t complain. Instead he picked back up the book and continued the story. His voice really was very nice. I didn’t want him to be mad at Dru, it wasn’t her fault I could only take so much closeness with her boyfriend. In what I hoped was a conciliatory gesture, I rolled on my side and moved over to where he was now sitting cross legged on the bed. I laid my head on his knee with my eyes closed. After a moment, his long fingered hand came to rest on the side on my head.

 

“When I fall asleep, will you stop reading?” Dawn was close, I could feel it in my bones. “I don’t want to miss any of the story.”

 

“No worries,” he said, patting me softly.

 

I was asleep before he’d gotten through three more pages.

 

I awoke back in my regular body and bed, but sitting up. There was definitely hairspray in my hair, a lot of hairspray. I needed to tell Dru it wasn’t 1985 anymore. The notebook was sitting in front of me with another letter from her.

 

_Buffy-_

_I had so much fun, I haven’t felt this good in ages. I didn’t find any demons, but I killed three fledglings. Your friend (boyfriend?)  Xander called to check on you, so I said I was fine. I feel like I’ve been cooped up and coddled forever. I’m sorry you have to put up with it while I’m here running around doing awesome stuff. I’ll make sure to eat today. The Pizza was great, thanks for letting me do that!_

 

_-xoxo Dru_

 

Running around doing awesome stuff? I’m glad she thought so, because who knew how long we’d be switching bodies. Patrolling had stopped feeling like awesome stuff a long time ago. Now it was just a job.

 

I breathed a sigh of relief re-reading the note. Even though Dru hadn’t actually answered my question about it, I guessed she did have some fighting skills. You just couldn’t get to be a vampire that old and not be able to hold your own. Being stuck in that weak body twenty-four seven must have been infuriating. No wonder she was crazy.

 

Suddenly, I remember that while I was sitting here drowsily in the early morning sunshine, there was a man probably dead or dying back in the factory. Suffocating guilt blanketed me. I’d forgotten about him again. I had lain in a bed next to that man’s murderer. 

 

Numbly, I curled up into a ball, hugging my knees tight to my chest. I just hadn’t thought about it when I’d been there, being cosseted and cared for. Was I so shallow that a handsome face made me forget everything I believed in and fought for? Oh, and now I had extra sparkly guilt for thinking of Spike as handsome. Evil vampires, no matter how nice they were to their girlfriends, did not get to be cute.

 

I needed to remember I was there to get information; whatever this thing was, it was most certainly not a vacation. I’d just go with it for a little while longer. Then I’d tell Giles. I really, really would.


	3. Not Trifling

Do you wake up on your own

            Goo Goo Dolls “Slide”

****

_Saturday - September 27, 1997_

 

Sunlight streamed through my window, and over me. Panic hit - I was going to burn! I flipped the sheet over my head and managed to roll right off the bed.  Ouch. Wait, that was my weapons’ bag crammed under the bed, along with my old sneakers and a lot of dust bunnies. I was at home in my normal Buffy body. That was a relief.

I eyed my dresser, the alarm said 1 o’clock. Why was my alarm ringing at 1 pm? I tried to turn it off only to realize it was the phone making the racket. So better not be a telemarketer, or I swear I’d find them and make them eat their headset. Maybe I could sic Spike on them and . . .or, or - not, ‘cause Slayer here.

“Hello?” I said groggily into the receiver. 

“Buffy? Buffy is that you?” It was Giles.

I yawned and stretched, cringing as my hair crunched.  Maybe I should just hide the hairspray can.

“Buffy?”

“I’m here! Not really with the awake yet, but I’m listening.” Mostly. My head was kind of throbbing.

Giles sighed his patented how-do-I-put-up-with-this sigh.  “I wanted to tell you that I found out quite a bit of information about Drusilla.” The headache was still pounding away, but I was wide awake now.

“Tell me.” I hoped I didn’t sound too eager, but I had a pretty big interest in knowing more about the vampire I was sharing bodies with.

“Right, well, most of this we can go over on Monday, but I felt it imperative that you know what Drusilla is best known for is being insane.”

“Excuse me?” I had guessed she had a screw or two loose, but hearing her called flat out insane by someone else was totally different.

“Apparently, she has visions, speaks with entities that aren’t there, and is otherwise often engaged in a reality of her own making. She is also said to be extremely dangerous and an adept at using thrall to get her way.” 

I was dumbstruck. This creature was walking around in my skin, had been in the house with my Mom.

“Are you still there, Buffy?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Until we have a plan in place, it is important that you do not try to slay either Spike or Drusilla. They are not to be trifled with.”

“I will do absolutely no trifling then. This is me not trifling.”  I wasn’t technically lying to Giles, because switching bodies with Dru so blew right past trifling.

“Well, yes. Do be careful tonight, Buffy. I know you said there was to be no attack, but you never know. I’ll call tomorrow, or sooner should I hear anything pertinent. If you have the opportunity to, um, interrogate anyone during patrol, do try to find out why Spike and Drusilla are here in Sunnydale.”

“Will do! Catch you later!” I hung up. My stomach was doing flip flops. Grabbing the notebook off my vanity, I headed down to the kitchen.

As soon as I saw the sink I started salivating, the plunk of a single drop into the basin called me like a siren. I twisted the cold water tap all the way on and drank without even bothering with a glass. Unbelievably thirsty, I didn’t stop until I needed to breath. Standing over the basin, gasping for air, I started to giggle. Dru didn’t remember that humans needed to drink, and had managed to get me all kinds of dehydrated. The water sloshing around in my belly was starting to make my headache recede.

Feeling a little better, I read and re-read the two notes Drusilla had left me. They didn’t sound crazy, or even slightly deranged. Mostly they sounded like me, which didn’t make sense at all. The information the Council had on Spike obviously wasn’t complete, maybe they were off base on Dru as well.

Everything was so confusing. Usually, it was pretty easy to tell what was evil, namely demons, and what was good, which was humans. Now that I’d walked a mile in a vampire’s shoes, so to speak, since Dru could barely walk the length of a room, I didn’t feel like things were so clear cut anymore.  I leaned against the kitchen counter and groaned. Why did I have to deal with this on top of everything else? Math homework, history papers, school drama, Slayer training, and now I had to plan timesharing my body with a vampire.

I really, really hoped Dru would manage to not do anything totally embarrassing while she was me. I’d tried to make nice with her boyfriend, hopefully she was doing the same. I wondered how hard it was for her to be in a living body again. I guessed she’d managed to figure out about using the restroom, and if this lasted another week I was going to have to leave a serious note with instructions about tampon use.  Welcome back to the world of cramps!

I needed an outside observer to know how things were going.  Xander! She said she'd talked to him. Eagerly, I punched in his number.

“Xand-man speaking,” he answered on the fourth ring. Good, it was him and not one of his parents. I didn’t need the aggravation of dealing with one of them right now.   

“Xander, it's Buffy - can you talk for a second?”

“Sure - let me pause saving the galaxy.” He set the receiver down and the video game noises in the background stopped, then he was back. “Nothing like doing a barrel roll for freedom. So what’s up, Buffster?”

I chewed on my lip. This wasn’t easy. “So, when I talked to you last night, did I sound ok? Because I think I’m coming down with a cold and I took a bunch of medicine and it made me a little kooky.” That sounded kind of plausible.

Xander laughed, “That explains why you asked me where the pizza was kept.” I groaned internally; way to blend in, Dru. “You also sounded sort of vague, and didn’t recognize my voice right away, but when I asked you about slaying you perked up and told me about the vamps you took out.” He paused and I could hear him swallow, “It was actually nice, usually you don’t want to talk about it.” 

Now I felt like complete crap. The evil vampire impersonating me was a better friend than I was. I really didn’t like to talk about patrol that much, I wanted to spare my friends from that weirdness, but I guess that’s not how they were seeing it.

“Sorry, I can be totally tight lipped girl sometimes,” I gritted my teeth, because I was keeping the mother of all secrets, while apologizing for not being open enough.

“No worries, but you can always feel free to talk to me, anytime.”

“Thanks, Xander. I’m still under the weather,” I paused to give what I hoped were some convincing fake coughs, “and I need to patrol tonight. If you see me and I’m a little weird, can you make sure I don’t do anything really stupid?”

“What? Like making googly eyes at a vampire?” He was trying to sound teasing, but I could hear the underlying tension in his voice, and oh my God, Angel.  I hadn’t even thought of him.

“You know what I mean. Don’t let me decide to go on tour as a roadie with the Grateful Dead, or wear white after labor day.” How had I forgotten Angel?

“You got it, see you soon?” He sounded hopeful, but I was barely paying attention. I hadn’t thought about Angel since Thursday night.

“Bye, Xander.” I hung up.  

Angel was - he was - was . . . my boyfriend, at least sort of. We made with the smoochies, and they were very good smoochies that made me all warm. Not that I had a lot to compare them with. I’d had some lip-lock time with Pike back in L.A., but that was middle school stuff that wasn’t on the same level.  Unbidden, the image of Spike reclining bare chested next to me in the bed invaded my mind, and the belly flutters made a comeback. Stupid distracting vampire! I wanted to think about Angel and his kisses, not Spike and how he made the area under by bellybutton feel like it was full of butterflies.  I needed to figure out a way to see Angel soon, since now my nights were taken.

Giving an exasperated sigh, I picked up the notebook and set about outlining the week’s schedule for Dru, including directions to The Bronze and information on the cultural exchange student that was going to be here for two weeks.  I also gave her a quick rundown of my friends and family, making sure to highlight, star, underline, and circle that Xander wasn’t my boyfriend. I hesitated when I got to Angel. Finally, I shrugged and just put: _vampire with a soul that helps me, do you know him?_

_Dear Dru,_

_Thank you for being nice to my friends. Please, remember to drink water, this body needs it. Did you have any trouble remembering to use the bathroom? Do you have a nightgown you can wear to bed? It’s a little weird waking up naked.  Also, please lay off the Aqua Net._

_I need to ask you something personal that’s mean, I’m sorry. Are you okay, I mean mentally? I just heard some stuff._

_Glad you enjoyed the Slaying, there’s going to be a lot more where that came from._

_-xoxo Buffy_

As sundown approached, I jumped in the shower, finally rinsing all the junk off my scalp. I sat down at my vanity, notebook ready, and started combing my hair out. I figured Dru would like having a blank slate to work on.

My stomach dropped out from under me.

****

I blinked my eyes open in the now familiar bedroom of the factory. I was laying in the middle of the bed, once again naked. Hopefully, Dru would get the memo and this would be the last time.  She had to have some slinky, lacy thing around to wear to bed. It’s not like I was expecting her to start wearing flannel footie pajamas or anything. The image made me giggle out loud, but really, more coverage was for the good if I was going to repeatedly be subjected to being in bed with a naked Spike.

Gah - and there went my brain. I was supposed to be worrying about figuring out vampire plans to report back to Giles, not thinking about one without his clothes on. Curiosity skinned the cat however, and I found myself hoping that one of these nights I’d wake up before he did and be able to tug the sheet down just so. I’d never seen a man’s, uh, parts, outside of drawings in my anatomy and sex-ed textbooks. This seemed like my best chance to get a little firsthand knowledge.  I giggled again, and clasped a hand over my mouth to muffle the noise.

Where was Spike anyway?

I sat up, immediately noticing that my middle wasn’t empty anymore. I felt so much better than a day ago. I said a silent thanks to Dru for remembering to take care of eating.  It was surprising that the bleached menace himself hadn’t piped up already, and I looked around the room for him.  I was alone. Spike’s duster was missing from its peg by the door.  Panic set in. I was alone. I took a ragged breath, tears threatening. I couldn’t be alone. I wasn’t really a vampire, what if I screwed something up? Like Dru and not knowing to drink water when she was in my body?

“Spike?” I called tentatively, then louder “Spike?” I’d just drawn a deep breath to really yell, then realized how ridiculous I was being. I was the Slayer, I did not scream for help from my mortal enemy because, what? I was scared to be by my lonesome? That was a no, I was so much better than this.

Disgusted with my moment of weakness, I scooted over to the edge of the bed and planted my feet firmly on the floor. I stood, only swaying slightly.  The clothes had come from Spike’s side of the bed, and with grim determination I walked around to look for them. A small hallway off the main room served as a sort of closet, the clothes dangling from hangers that were hooked on various pipes.  Not surprisingly, Spike had very little, and what was there was uniformly black, excepting for a few long sleeved shirts in red. On the other hand, Drusilla owned a smorgasbord of beautiful dresses. The fabrics were sumptuous velvets and sleek silks. I ran my hand over them, glorying in how they felt against my skin.

The only problem was no matter how pretty the dresses were, they weren’t me. I didn’t do the whole retro look. Was it still retro though, if you’d lived through it?  Well, whether or not Dru had, I hadn’t, and I didn’t want to dress my borrowed body in clothes that looked a century out of style.  If I started leaving issues of Cosmo around my room, I wonder if Dru would take the hint?

Lacking a better idea, I nabbed one of Spike’s black t-shirts and pulled it on. The hem fell halfway to my knees, and I felt a little better as I rummaged through the mess. Deep in the back, under yet another black dress I found what I was looking for - a pair of jeans! They were distressed black skinny jeans with a hole in one knee that appeared to be there on purpose, but it'd work splendidly. I was pretty sure underwear didn’t exist in Spike or Dru’s vocabulary, so went ahead and started to pull them on. I had them up to my knees when I heard Spike’s panicked voice.

“Dru!” He was bellowing “Dru, where are you?! Dru!” The last sounded almost like a sob, but surely the Big Bad wasn’t one for tears?

“In here!” I yelled, making a desperate effort to pull the jeans the rest of the way up. What I actually managed to do was totally overbalance myself and fall forward like a sack of potatoes onto my hands and knees with a started “oof!”

A pair of black boots enters my line of sight, and my first thought was that I really hoped the t-shirt was still covering my ass. I craned my neck up to meet Spike’s shocked face.

“Hi,” I said weakly. For some reason being like this, hapless in front of him, had made the butterflies return in full force. “You weren’t here.” I informed him.

“What the bloody, buggerin’ hell do you think you’re doing?” His tone was angry now, and his hands balled up into fists at his side.

His anger set me off. I mean really, like I planned to be hiding in the closet when he got back just to worry him. “I was getting dressed.” I bit out from my not very threatening position on the floor.  There’s a colossal sigh from above me, then Spike kneeled down and threaded his arms underneath mine- easily hauling me back to my feet. I shot him a defiant look and shuffled back a step or two. With a flourish I reached down and hitched the jeans up over my hips. I did up the button and cocked my eyebrow at him in a ‘take that’ manner.

Yeah, only it falls completely flat because the idiot is staring at my hands and the button instead of my face. With a snort I brushed past him out of the closet.

There’s a couple of plastic bags sitting on the edge of the bed. He must have been out grabbing groceries when I first got here. Weird vampire. I’d laugh if I weren't still cranky with him.

“You should have waited. I told you I’d be right back.” He stood at the entrance to the closet, hands on his hips.

“I must not have heard.” I mumbled. Dumping a carton of cigarettes out of one bag, I took it and the store circular in it over to the parrot’s cage. The poor thing did a little fluttery happy dance when it saw me, its heart beating a million miles a minute.

“Who’s a pretty bird?” I asked the parrot, studiously ignoring Spike. I pulled out the tray at the bottom of the cage, continuing to talk nonsense to the bird. Dirty paper out, clean paper in. I refilled its food and water as well. Don’t birds need toys? There’s nothing in the cage except for a single perch. I bet I could make it something, there’s tons of random junk lying around.

I’m was standing there, arms crossed, still mulling over the parrot entertainment problem when Spike barreled into me. He pinned me against the door, one hand on my stomach and the forearm of the other across my throat. I sputtered and choked for an instant, till I remembered I don’t have to breath.  

Oh, wow, Spike looked really pissed. I guess the game’s up, he’d figured it out. So much for my brilliant information gathering plan. At least he couldn’t kill me while I was in Drusilla’s body. I hoped.

Blue eyes bored into mine. Well, two could play that game. I might not have the strength to push him off, but I could glare with the best of them. Looking down my nose at him, I put as much disdain into my expression as I could.

“What the bloody fuck is going on?” 

I shrugged, unable to speak past his arm on my throat. It’s not like I knew, anyway. I watched as the anger slowly drained out of his body. He went from pinning me to cupping my face in both hands. “Are you here with me then, luv?”  The hope in his voice is heartbreaking. I know he’s not asking about me, as in Buffy, but Drusilla. In her own world, Giles had said.

I didn’t know what to say. “Not all the time.” I finally whispered, because it was the truth.

Spike let me go, and spun away to pace next to the bed. “I leave you mumbling to yourself about the stars dancing to a pretty tune and come back to you feeding the soddin’ bird.” He threw his hands up. “You never feed the bird!” So it was pet care that’d given me away, go figure. I stayed leaning against the door, trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. It didn’t work. After several more rounds with the pacing he turned back to me, slamming his hands on either side of my head, making me flinch.

His face softens. “Stay with me, please.”  His voice is pleading. It’s pathetic. This is the scary vampire I’d been so worried about? He was going to pieces because he thought his girlfriend was being lucid long enough to give a bird its dinner. It was sad, and also kind of sweet. I thought I could work this to my favor.

I went for the truth again, “As long as I can.”

Spike sagged in relief, his head dropping forward. I started to duck out from under his arm, feeling awkward. I wished for a stake, because he so wouldn’t see it coming right now. I’d totally do it too, no hesitating just because it’d leave Drusilla without a protector. I totally would, I reassured myself.

I’d barely made a move when Spike’s hands dropped to my shoulders. Then his lips were on mine, hungry and demanding.  I didn’t feel warm, or even fluttery, no - it was molten lava that flooded me. I froze, this was so not with the good.  He realized I wasn’t kissing him back, so Spike stopped and pulled away, looking at me through hooded eyes.

“One step at a time then, poodle.” He smiled and tapped me on the nose with one finger before moving away to sort through the stuff from the store.

I rolled my tongue around my now dry mouth, and tried to focus on my mission. It took me several false starts to find my voice again. I tried for casual. “Doing anything tonight?”

“Hmm, no. Not worth it, St Vigeous be damned. Plannin’ to stay in and watch the telly.” He opened the cigarette carton and slipped a pack in his coat pocket, putting the rest on a shelf. “Why? You know somethin’ ?”

I shook my head. “Mind company?” I asked.

He gave me a brilliant smile. “ ‘Course not, ducks. I can tell you all about my bloody brilliant plan for killing the Slayer, and making you all better.” Well, that sounded useful.  He took my hand and led me to the bed, making sure I was comfortably ensconced against the headboard before turning the old TV set on and cajoling it to settle on a channel. At least it was in color.  Spike arranged himself next to me.

I’d been worried he may not actually want to spill the beans on his Slayer death plans, but I needn’t have worried. The man could talk, and talk, and talk. As long as I looked over at him once in a while and made encouraging noises at the appropriate places, he just kept going. Apparently, his brilliant plan was to study my moves by having minions follow me around with video cameras. Well, joke was on him because it wouldn’t be me he was taping. Once he was sure he could beat me, he’d fight and nearly kill me, and bring the blood back to Drusilla to physically heal her. 

Yeesh - what if he succeeded while I was stuck in Drusilla’s body? Would I drink my own blood? If my body died, would my consciousness remain where it was, or would it snap back? I shook my head; these were questions I had no answers to. Hopefully, either the thing making us switch would quit before Spike made an attempt on the Slayer’s life- uh, my life- or I’d have to take him out as Dru. It wouldn’t be easy.  At least I had some time before I’d be forced into action. I sighed; I’d have to keep switching with Dru if I wanted to keep tabs on Spike and his plans.

Of course, it wouldn’t work if Dru couldn’t be a convincing me, or if she didn’t want to.

My thoughts tumbled over and over like laundry in the dryer, and like an annoying quarter in with the socks that banged with every rotation, my mind kept wanting to bring up Spike’s kiss. I told myself that it was just because it was such a surprise. The whole situation was so wrong on so many levels. He was evil, and he believed he was kissing his girlfriend. So curling toes aside, I had to ignore that it’d ever happened, which was so much easier said than done.  Especially when he was sitting right there next to me, stealing glances when he thought I wasn’t watching.

I fell asleep during a re-run of Charlie’s Angels.

****

It was nearly noon when I woke up at home, in my bed. No headache, so that was excellent. The notebook was resting on the pillow next to me. I sat up, stretched, and pulled the notebook over.

_Dear Buffy,_

_I went dancing like I was told I would, and my Daddy was there. The stars, pixies, and even Miss Edith are quiet when I’m in you.  No one told me about Daddy, and he loves you. He was angry I’d danced with my friends. I don’t want to make Daddy angry.  He was so nice to you, walked you home and kissed you. Why wasn’t he nice to me?_

_-Dru_

What the hell? Daddy? There were a couple of off colored dots on the page. Drusilla had been crying. What did she mean, Daddy loved me? Was she talking about Angel? That made my stomach roll.

Then I remembered I’d been full when I’d arrived in her body. I hadn’t even thought about the guy that must have been dinner. My stomach completely rebelled and I barely made it to the bathroom in time. Dru’d had fries was my inane musing as I brushed my teeth. Fries and Angel kisses. While I’d been trading spit with her evil, wanting to kill me, boyfriend. I nearly lost my lunch again.

There was something seriously wrong with me, at least half the time. I stumbled back into my room, and my eyes fell on the ledge by my window. The Barbie dolls I’d outgrown years ago, and that’d finally been tossed in a box when I became the Slayer, where lined up there, all neatly dressed and coifed.

Obviously, I wasn’t the only messed up one. 


	4. Rocky Road

you're not thinking about tomorrow

             -Goo Goo Dolls “Black Balloon”

****

_Sunday September 28, 1997_

Life sucked. I had no one to talk to. I could call Willow, Xander, or even Giles, but then I’d just end up lying a bunch and feeling even worse than I did now.  I needed to talk to Drusilla, but I knew for a fact there wasn’t a phone out at the factory. Obviously, seeing Angel had really upset her, but I didn’t know why. She’d called him Daddy, but I was 95 percent certain she didn’t mean biologically. He must have made her a vampire, which meant Angel had some explaining to do, since he’d conveniently never mentioned her. Only who knew when I’d be able to ask, since I didn’t know where he holed up during the day and I was a tad unavailable after sundown.

I was sitting on my bed, staring at the Barbie dolls Dru had dressed up. I wondered if she missed all her fancy dolls while she was here.

My Mom stuck her head in my room, “How’s your homework coming?”

“I’m finished.” I got to say for once, with it actually being entirely true.

Mom hesitated in the door, then came and sat down next to me on the bed. “Are you feeling alright, honey? I heard you throw up earlier.” She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just too many fries last night. “

“Are you sure that’s all, is there anything you need to talk to me about?” Her voice was so full of concern it made me drop my head into my hands. Obviously, her imagination had gone way overboard.

“Actually, I’m having the lovechild of a multi-billionaire investment banker and we’re running away tonight in his private jet to live in sin on his private island in the Mediterranean.”  I managed to keep a straight face for about three seconds.

My Mom laughed with me, pulling me in for a hug. “I’m just checking, you’re not a baby anymore.”

“Really, it was just way too much greasy food.” Another hug and she was out the door and it was back to just me and my emotional rollercoaster.  

I needed to have a plan. I couldn’t just continue to be a bump on a log while I was in Dru’s body. Not that I was usually great with the plan having at the best of times. I could start small. Maybe tonight I should see if I could do the whole vampire thing, make my face change and stuff. Was it just a physical thing, or was the demon doing it? I really had no idea how it worked. Was there a demon there with me when I was in Drusilla? That’s what I really wanted to know.

Good, plan one was in place. Now to figure out what to do about Dru. Sunday was my usual night off, when I was supposed to be getting ready for school. So no patrolling, which drastically decreased the chances she’d run into Angel again. She needed to stay far, far away from him. For her own good, not just because I didn’t like the idea of her kissing him in my body, though that wasn’t exactly a thrill.  Even more uncool was the fact that Angel hadn’t seemed to notice, since he didn’t say anything noteworthy to Drusilla or, y’know, pick up a phone and call me today. Way to make me feel special.

Angel missage hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I really saw him on a regular basis, but now I didn’t even have the opportunity.  So uncool, but there was nothing to do for it. I needed to keep track of Spike and his plans, and the only way to do that was if I was there at the factory.

All this brooding made me feel like I was turning into Angel. So I stowed thoughts of him and every other vampire, especially the bleached blonde kind, and went for a run. It was a typical sunny SoCal day and I let the warmth soak into my skin.  While I was out enjoying the fact that my limbs actually did what I told them to on a consistent basis, I had a great idea. I could give Drusilla the things that made me feel better. She was in the same strange boat as I was, there was no reason for me to be a bitch to her because she was a vampire half the time. So was I.

Once I was back home with a bottle of Gatorade, I got on the phone and invited Willow and Xander over for movies, pizza, and ice cream.

I’d barely managed to get dressed after my shower when the doorbell rang.  I opened to find Willow. I hadn’t seen her since Parent-Teacher night, so I sort of over reacted with a squeal and hug.

“I haven’t seen you in forever!” I gushed, leading her and her bag of ice cream to the kitchen.

“Um, we saw each other last night, at The Bronze? You with the dancing with Xander and then dropping him like a hot potato as soon as Angel showed up? You kind of hurt his feelings.”

My face fell. “Ugh. Geez, sorry to be a spaz.”

Willow set the bag on the counter, then gave me a smile. “No worries, Xander did explain the whole cold medicine thing.” Oh great, now I had one friend spreading my lies to the other.

“Still sorry,” I said, “I might be out of it again later tonight, I think I still have it and I’ve already been hitting the medicine bottle.”

Willow stuck her tongue out at me, “Well maybe ice cream will make you feel better. I got rocky road, Neapolitan, and the kind with cookie dough in it, because who doesn’t like little chunks of fake raw cookie goodness?”

“You’re the best! Who can feel bad when they’re eating ice cream?”  I was kind of sad that it wasn’t going to be me eating it. I hoped Dru liked chocolate and not one of those old people flavors, like coffee.

The doorbell rang again, and I couldn’t help but give Xander a big hug too. He had a couple of video tape boxes from Blockbuster, which I hoped weren’t badly dubbed kung-fu movies.

“Sorry about being a big flake last night, you didn’t deserve that.” I told him, sending angry vibes towards Drusilla, though really I had the feeling it wasn’t entirely her fault.

“Ah, no worries Buff, it’s already forgotten. I even brought you an ‘I forgive you’ rom-com.”

“Perfect! I’m putting you in charge of ordering the pizza while I go powder my nose.” I was getting close to sunset and I needed to dash upstairs and leave Dru a note. “Be right back!” I hollered to Willow as I charged up to my room and grabbed the black pen and notebook, sitting down at my vanity.  I was cutting it way too close for comfort.

_Hi Dru,_

_I’m sorry you had a bad time yesterday. Tonight is my night off and right now my friends (and yours!) are waiting downstairs for a movie, pizza, and ice cream night to make you feel better.  Can you tell me what the deal with Angel is, please? I want to help you.  Also, try to get some sleep so that I’ll be ready for school in the morning._

_-xoxoxo Buffy_

_P.S. The dolls are in the shoebox under the bed._

I barely managed to finish writing the final ‘d’ in bed before the dizziness hit me.

****

I was still sitting at a vanity, and for a moment I was confused, but, hey, no mirror. I was in the right place.  The normal scents of the factory rushed into my nose as I remembered to take a breath. It was almost homey.

“Lean your head back, poodle.” Hands guided my head to tilt until I was looking nearly straight up. Spike leaned over and smiled at me, the lines and angles of his face now familiar.

“Hi,” I said, and then I would have blushed if I’d been able to. Stupid thing to say to someone you’ve been in a room with all day.

His smile turned into an all-out grin, complete with dimples, which really should be illegal. He had no right to look that good, it was unfair. I closed my eyes, but couldn’t completely erase my own sort of goofy grin.

“Are you back?” it was almost a whisper, his voice laced with the same desperate hope as yesterday.

“For the minute. Now get to brushing.”  He chuckled even as the bristles started moving over my scalp. It felt so good. My whole body tingled with enjoyment, enough so that my idiot mouth decided to get in on the action. “God, that feels so amazing.”

“ ‘M not God, but close enough,” Wow- ego much? The next thing he said was right in my ear “I can make all of you feel good, pet. If you want.”

The usual butterflies returned, this time with reinforcements. “Just keep brushing.” My voice had come out all breathy, not the effect I’d been going for. Spike gave another chuckle, then the brush was gliding through my hair again.  After a few blissful minutes he had me tilt my head forward and quickly gathered the ends together, securing them into a loose ponytail with a ribbon.  I was dressed in a black crushed velvet affair, that even I had to admit looked good against my unnaturally white skin. There was a stab of disappointment as I realized I didn’t know if Dru had done what I’d asked and worn pajamas. Oh well, there was always tomorrow.

Spike kneeled next to me as I sat on the vanity bench. He picked up one of my hands, stroking the back with his thumb. “You remember I have to go out tonight?” I nodded, though of course I had no idea till this moment.

“Why?” I asked, in case it was something I needed to warn Giles about, not because I was unhappy with the idea I was going to be left on my own.

“Got to start getting things set up to take down that blonde bitch of a Slayer, and bring you some dinner.”  

My eyes rolled at the word ‘bitch.’ Really, he didn’t even know me, the bastard.

He misinterpreted my eye roll. “I’ll be quick as I can. Stay here.”

“Spike,” I grabbed his wrist as he started to rise. “Don’t bring a human in here. Leave it outside, I’ll eat later.”  He nodded, smiled, and gave me a peck on the forehead.  That’d been easier than I thought. With a final glance at me he grabbed his duster and was out of the door, closing it with a thump behind him.

I felt very alone. Which was silly, especially because it actually worked in my favor. It’d be hard to experiment with another vampire breathing down my neck. Sure was quiet though.

I moved as quickly as my weakened body would let me to the parrot’s cage. “You need a name.” I grumpily told it. The parrot pushed its tiny body up against the bars of the cage, and I gently petted it through the bars. “How lonely are you that you’re trying to make friends with a vampire?”  

Under the cage there was now a pile of old newspapers. That hadn’t been there last night. Had Spike brought them? It made me feel funny, because it was more hope on his part. Hope that I’d be there enough to want to keep taking care of the bird. A plastic bag was also available for the trash. Shaking my head at the stupidity of vampires, or more specifically one vampire, I quickly changed out the paper and took care of the food and water. It still needed toys, and a name.

There, I’d taken care of my one chore, since vampires didn’t need a lot of dishes and there was no amount of dusting that was going to help things around here. I, for one, voted for not even trying.

I dropped onto the bed, rolling over to lay flat on my back. Time to do this. Only I was really, really frightened. What if I was rooming with a demon in Dru’s head? Even worse, what if I wasn’t? Would it be going with Dru’s consciousness to my body? That was a frightening idea.

Slayer 101 said a vampire’s first defense was its fangs. Was I both weak and weaponless?

I needed to calm down. Deep breath, in and out. In and out. Now quit it with the breathing. I focused on all the things that made me not human. No heartbeat, my increased sense of smell, hearing that let me know a mouse was running along the baseboard. Gross! And there went my concentration.

I tried again, with a promise to myself to look for the hole the rodent came through sometime later.  Once I felt at least a smidgen more relaxed, I tried to get my face to shift. Nothing. Hello! Demon! Are you there? Still nothing. I spent a good hour trying everything I could think of, and nothing. Even vividly imagining the smell of blood and promising the demon a good meal had no effect. Well, drat, I guess I was alone. It couldn’t break free and take over my human body, could it? Had I put everyone I love in danger? I nearly jumped up off the bed, wishing I had something or someone to hit.

I needed a distraction. I wasn’t Drusilla, the dolls weren’t going to cut it. I sorted through the books in the room, but was far too agitated to read. Also, I’d miss Spike’s voice. Damn it! That was not something I should think. I flipped the TV on, but couldn’t find anything to watch. Ditto with an old radio. Finally, I stopped in front of the bird cage. Maybe I could find something to make the parrot-who-needs-a-name some toys with.

The door’s hinges squeaked in protest as I yanked it open. There had to be something in this dump I could use.  I briskly marched along the corridor, made two turns, and realized I was completely lost in the dim and grimy hallways. My legs were also no longer with the complete cooperation. Stumbling slightly, I kept going, looking for anything that might work. I wasn’t going to be defeated because this body wasn’t up to my Slayer norm.

A shiny piece of metal caught my eye. Didn’t birds like mirrors? I held it up, and nearly tossed it aside when I didn’t see a reflection. Then I had to laugh at my own stupidity, of course I couldn’t see myself. Duh.

After a few more turns I stopped to rest, leaning against a wall.

“Well, well, what have we here?” The deep voice startled me, but the vampire’s scent flooded my nose when I sniffed. How’d I missed his very stinky presence? He was tall, dressed in dirty jeans and a ratty shirt. “If it isn’t Spike’s pet whore, out for a little walk. Guess it’s my lucky day.”

Sure, only because I didn’t have a stake - or my regular body. He was vamped out, flicking his tongue over sharp fangs. “What are you planning on doing?” My voice shook. I’d never felt this vulnerable around a vampire before. I’d always been the Slayer, the Chosen One, destined to leave his kind so much dust on the wind. Being helpless and trapped, alone in the dark with death, was a nightmare made real. I couldn’t hide my terror.

“I’m going to drive stakes through your hands to pin you to the wall. When your honey gets back he’ll do anything to set you free. So I’ll make him bow, and then I’ll kill him. Then, sugar, I’ll do whatever I want to you.” He’d been moving closer during his little speech, right up into my personal space. He finished the last sentence with a little snap of his teeth in my face, and that’s when I felt it. Darkness, roiling inside me. The demon had woken up, and I let it loose.

My face shifted, and it felt good, like scratching an itch. The hallway looked a lot lighter now, and the brute in front of me a lot less scary. I still wasn’t anywhere near full strength, but I also was no longer a puddle on the floor anymore. I brought my fist around in a left hook, catching the jerk by surprise. I moved away from him, hissing. I ran my tongue over my fangs, marveling at how normal it felt for them to be there. I laughed.  The other vamp made a lunge for me, but I danced back out of his way. I easily ducked a left jab and smashed my elbow into his nose before moving out of reach again. I needed a stake - why the hell was there no wood in this entire place?

“Bloody Fuck!” Spike’s voice made us both freeze. I turned my head, inhaling deeply, the scent making my head swirl. He looked different to me, with my demon riding high. No, not different, good. Better than good. He was my dark prince. I laughed again, and pointed a sharp finger nail at the lumbering moron that thought he’d be able to challenge us.

“This thing,” I said with scorn, “wanted to kill you, and he believed that I would be easy prey.”

“More the fool him. Did he touch you?”

“He tried.” I sing-song it. Knowing my enemy was as good as dead.

Spike roared as he shifted into his demon face. I couldn’t help laughing again, he’s so beautiful. I wanted to touch him, taste him. All that power and grace were mine. My insides turned molten again as I watched him pace down the hallway. The stupid vamp that dared to challenge him was so stunned the fool didn't even know he should run. In one smooth motion Spike plucked a loose pipe from the wall and spun, crunching it into the jerk’s head. The big vamp went down, and with two more powerful blows of the pipe, his head was severed enough for the useless idiot to dust.

Dropping the pipe, my vampire strode to my side. He picked me up, whirling me around. I let my head fall back, my laughter echoing back at me from the empty hallway. 

Stopping he bent his head down to rub his nose against my check. I wanted – needed - more, and with a growl I settle my hands on his shoulders and claim his mouth. It’s fierce, our tongues tangling around each other.

Then he pulled away, panting, and shook me in his arms. “Dru! How many times have I told you not to go wondering about?” He was angry, and just like that my demon was gone. I was frightened, alone in the dark again with an irate vampire.  Spike’s demon receded as well as he turned, carrying me back towards our room like I weighed nothing. “You’re going to be so tired, luv. You just can’t do things like this. You’ll be bedridden for a week.”

“I’m sorry!” I pressed my face into his chest, frustrated tears threatening to fall. No wonder Dru said going out to patrol was fun, because I could already feel my body starting to protest the workout I had just given it.

The trip back to the room didn't take nearly as long as I thought it should. Once inside, he put upset, tear streaked me down on the bed.  “I’m sorry.” I said again, whimpering in my fear.

“What were you even doing out there?” He was kneeling in front of me again, a hand on my check.

I held up the piece of metal, still clutched in my hand. “I was trying to find things that would work as toys in the birdcage. It must be so bored in there.” Spike gave me a strange look, then snatched the metal out of my hand.

Standing up, he headed for the cage. “This was over the bloody bird?”

I struggled to me feet. “No!” I yelled, “Don’t kill it! Please, it didn’t mean to end up being stuck in that cage.”

“Good God, woman!” He spit. “I am not going to kill it. I’m not even angry at it.”  Spike opened the cage door and gently set the metal inside, shiny side where it can catch the light. The bird hoped over to it, chittering.

“See,” I sniffed, “It’s already happier, having someone to talk to. It doesn’t know it’s not real.” 

Spike just shook his head, watching the bird. “So what do you want to do for the rest of the night?”

“Read to me again,” I looked down at my dirty feet, the nail polish chipped to almost nothing, unlike my perfectly manicured fingers. “please, and I’ll work on fixing up my toenails, if we have the stuff to do that.” 

“Of course. Wait. Right. Here.”  I nodded, sinking back down onto the mattress.  Spike was gone only a couple of minutes before coming back with several towels and a plastic bag.

“Scoot back.” He jerked his head in the direction of the headboard. I complied, and he sat down, taking one of my feet in his hands. He washed one foot, then the other, with soft sure strokes that didn’t tickle even the tiniest bit. Once I was clean he handed me the bag and another towel. The bag was full of nail polish, every second one a variant on black. On top was a half empty bottle of polish remover.

“Can you start at the beginning?” I ask. “I want to hear that part again.” I pulled my feet in so I was sitting cross legged in the middle of the bed.

With a snort Spike walked to his side of the mattress, swiping Pride and Prejudice off the bedside table.  He sat, one leg stretched out, the other knee bent up with his elbow resting on it.  His voice smoothed out as he began: “It is a truth universally acknowledged . . .”

Drusilla had used some hideous shade of purple the last time she’d painted her toes. It was going to take some scrubbing to get off.  I was wishing for Slayer strength by the time I’d finished up one foot. The second seemed to take twice as long as I felt what strength I had left ebbing out of me.

Once finished I wiggled my toes happily at myself, thinking maybe the paint could wait for tomorrow. I was so tired.

“Let me,” Spike said, looking up from the book. He held the novel out to me, “You read, I paint.”  I raised an eyebrow at him.  “Take it!” He shook the book at me. Shrugging I grabbed it and started to read at where he’d left off.  Reaching forward he took my foot in his hands, pulling till I was sitting with my leg straight and my heel on his thigh.  “What color?”

What shade would Dru like? Probably another dark one, but she wasn’t here right now. I wanted put a tiny claim on this body we were sharing.  So I looked him right in the eye- “Pink.” He didn’t even flinch, just rooted around in the bag.  The bottle he held up was a delicate shell pink, something like what my regular body’s nails were painted.

I shook my head and giggled. “Seriously? I’m like the color of a piece of Xerox paper,” Spike’s eyebrows shot up and he smothered a laugh.

“Well, we both do tend towards the pale side, poodle.” The smile was genuine, and I hoped it meant he forgave me for earlier. Dru didn’t need to come home to a surly boyfriend. Spike sorted through the colors again, this time holding up a much deeper shade.

“Perfect!” I praised, then went back to the book. I was surprised to feel a file gliding against my nails, but Spike didn’t look up when I glanced at him.  Once the nails were shaped he opened the nail polish and gently started painting. I hazarded another glance. He was concentrating, the tip of his tongue tucked into the corner of his mouth. It was adorable. He’d probably dust if he knew it was the Slayer watching him labor to paint her nails instead of his dark princess.   

Once that foot was complete, he blew on the polish to help it dry quicker, and a shiver ran straight up my spine. I thought he hadn’t noticed, as he only indicated for me to give him my other foot.

I’d just turned my eyes back to the book when I felt his teeth nibble at the top of my big toe. I gulped in a breath, startled. His eyes were on my face as he slowly lowered his mouth fully over the appendage. It was a completely new sensation, and certainly not one I’d ever even remotely imagined. Then the edges of his lips curled up, and he flicked his tongue against the very tip of my toe. Only that’s not where I felt it. How the hell was he doing that? With a self-satisfied smirk he relented and let me go, reaching for the nail file like nothing had happened.

“Are you going to keep reading?”  He asked in a conversational, almost bored tone.

I had to clear my throat several times to get my voice back.

When my nails were done and dry I handed the book back to Spike, and curled up against his shoulder. I gamely tried to stay awake to listen, but quickly lost the battle.

****

Vanity with a mirror - I was back at Revello Drive. 

Dru must have listened to my advice, because I felt rested. She’d dressed me in a black sweater set and jeans, with black boots. I turned my head side to side, marveling at how much older I looked with her make-up job. She’d even got the eyeliner even, something I never managed to do. If I tried it just escalated till I looked like a raccoon. My hair was soft, falling down to my shoulders and flipped out just so.  She was good.

I looked over towards the window, and was relieved to see the dolls weren’t there. That had to be for the good. With some trepidation I reached for the notebook.

_Dearest Buffy,_

_I owe you a million thank-you’s for what you did for me tonight. No one has ever given me such a gift. To more fully address your earlier question, I seem to be much the girl I once was when I lived under my father’s roof, before I became a childe of Angelus. You are correct to warn me away from him, but I must do the same for you. Even with a soul he is not to be trusted. I find I am having some difficulty dealing with what my nature as a vampire demands, especially as I sit here in your body writing this. I believe I have found a way around this problem. I will endeavor to ask Spike to buy me only exotic animal blood, saying I have developed a taste for it. You must reiterate it as my mind will belong to the pixies when I am with my body. This solution will out both our hearts at ease._

_Warm Regards, Drusilla_

_P.S. I found I favored Rocky Road._

I opened and closed my mouth several times. I felt like I had whiplash. Dru’s first few notes had sounded almost exactly like I’d written them, then she’d sounded plain crazy, and now she sounded like someone’s great-grandma. Where any of these people really her?

At least I’d guessed correctly about her being made a vampire by Angel, and really her idea about the blood was a good one. I realized I’d never asked Spike if he’d brought dinner home. No, I’d been too busy enjoying the whole demon joy ride. Was I evil? It’d felt good. I’d probably been lucky there’d only been other vampires around. I could never, ever, do that again.  Now I knew, I could learn from it, and move on. The thoughts I’d had, they’d been the demon, not my own. I had to believe that.

“Buffy?” I heard my Mom call through the door. “Come get some breakfast!”

I stood up, my heart heavy. I hoped that the information I had to give Giles was worth it.  I wiggled my toes in my boots, remembering the rest of the night with something between a stab of shame and a shadow of the thrill I’d felt at the time.  Everything had absolutely better be worth it, because I was starting to worry I was losing myself.


	5. Dru's Interlude #1

These wounds, they will not heal

               -Linkin Park, “Crawling”

****

Silence.

That’s how I first knew something was wrong. The only sounds were the thudding of a heartbeat and the swoosh of breath. My heartbeat and my breath.

No other voices, inside or outside my head.  No stars above me, pushing down.

One event followed the next. I sat up, I stood, I walked across the room. I looked at a bench and did not see the tree it once was, nor the broken, discarded splinters decaying into the soil that it would one day become. I sat, and looked at the mirror, and someone looked back. It took me a minute to realize that I was looking at myself. The hair blonde, the skin tanned.

Who was I?

I looked through drawers, under the bed, all the little hidey holes, and found a diary stuffed in between the mattresses. The lock broke easily and I read, and read, and read. And the whole time it was quiet. Until I started crying.

This body was the Slayer’s. No wonder it felt so strong. I’d been like this once. I remembered holding a boy, dangling him over a railing of the Eiffel Tower as if he weighed nothing, his blood dripping prettily to the ground below.  So many rubies.

My insides clenched. Blood. I’d killed him, just a little boy. I curled up over my knees, sobbing now. I’d hurt him. Bodies, other bodies, a long time ago. My family, dead and staring sightlessly heavenward, my fault. I’d promised them to never hurt another. I hadn’t kept my promise.

So many, many years of not keeping my promise. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I couldn’t be Drusilla in this body. It would kill me. Drusilla was a vampire, a murderess, a monster. Right now I was none of those things.

I was Buffy. From her words I knew that Buffy did not do things like hurt children, she saved them, every night, from the monsters. She could save me from the monster, too.

Getting up I left the bedroom, wandered down the dark hall. I found a bathroom and washed my face. All that crying had not been good for my complexion. I knew too much to think the switch would be permanent, so I would fix up this face as best I could before I returned it. The running water made me feel funny. It’d been so long since I’d felt that ache that it took me a while to realize what the problem was. Half way down the stairs I had to turn around and dash back to relieve myself. At least I knew what all the modern contraptions in a bathroom were for, from the endless hours being stuck next to Spike, watching television.

Usually I couldn’t keep track of what was going on, but the images still had meaning.

I hummed to myself, a tune my sister had often sung and until tonight I’d forgotten, while I set about exploring the house.

In another one of the upstairs rooms there was a woman sleeping. It must be Buffy’s, I mean my, mother. I’d been hungry before I was here, and imagined slipping into the room and ripping a nice little hole in the woman’s neck. Candy on the sheets, crimson paint on the walls.

Once more horror sliced through me, my heart pounding in terror. No! It shouted, Buffy would never do that. She- I- loved my mom.

I returned to my room and read the diary again, and then one more time. I sat at the vanity and pulled out all the makeup I could find. In a drawer I discovered weapons, stakes, holy water, and crosses. Gingerly, I reached in and picked up one of the crosses.

No pain. No smoke. I was Buffy, not Drusilla. With a smile I put it back and turned my attention to the mirror.

Before morning I found a book of lined paper with nothing written in it, and a pretty pen with pink ink. I wrote a note to myself, just like I was writing in my diary.

I never wanted to leave, but I did.

***

The next night I returned, and found a note from my daytime-self waiting for me. So much innocence. My daytime-self expected me to go and do the job of a Slayer. What I wanted to do was just go out and walk around, feel the strength in these limbs. Dance with them.

Music, dancing, round and round. Shiny pools on the floor, so many dead, we didn’t even need them all to satisfy our hunger. Eat Me. Drink Me. Dead little roaches, all tangled limbs in their fancy party clothes.

No! That was Drusilla, not me. I was good.

I grabbed the bag and headed out to do my duty, as the Slayer must.

The night was darker than I remembered, but I was strong and swift. I made the monsters disappear. I ran, jumped, twirled. No sickness, no weakness.

When I returned my mom handed the phone to me, and I talked to the boy on the other end. How very naughty of me, to have a conversation with a boy I didn’t know. He was nice, sweet. Not like the one I had been living with. That one said I was perfect, beautiful, but his eyes wanted so much more than I could give.

I filled the emptiness inside with no death, just cold pizza.

***

When I returned once more in the moonlight, it was nearly my undoing.

Again I did my duty, a grim smile on my face. The demons couldn’t hide from me; I knew all their secrets.

The club was loud, music echoing inside me like my own heartbeat. It was the kind of place that my sweet William and I could have turned into a merry carnival, with screams and insides for streamers.

I remembered, saw the people running- only the music and clothes were different. I’d wanted the guitarist’s hands, white doves so pale and pretty.

No, it’d been Drusilla who’d taken them. Keeping them till they stank and were black. Not me. The Slayer would never do that. The pain in my chest was anger at the monster that did such a thing.

 A warm palm touched my shoulder.

“Hey Buffy! You look lost, we’re over here.” I recognized the voice, it was the boy from the phone. He was nice looking and young, just like I liked them to e- no! I do not kill humans. I smiled, I said hello, and I agreed to dance with him.

It was wonderful, till a dark shape rose in front of me, cutting into the dance.

Angelus.

“Hi Angel, didn’t see you there, with all the lurking.” Xander said, before leaving us alone. I wanted to run after the nice boy, hide behind him, tell him not to leave me by myself with the monster.

But Xander was gone, and Angel was talking. Sweet words, a taste I didn’t know his mouth knew. The look in his eyes. Daddy loved me.

It was good that he lead me from the club, walked me home. I could barely think. His hand was ice cold in mine. When he pulled me into the shadows by my house I expected fangs, or for the anger to start. I didn’t know how to act. He’d only taken me away from my friends. He hadn’t killed them and gifted their hearts, or spleens, or livers to me. No necklace of Willow’s red hair to remember her by.

Instead of fear he gave me kisses. Only they weren’t for me, not truly. They were for Buffy. I was his creation, not his girl. When I broke away he let me go. I ran inside, to my room, to the darkness inside the closet. He loved the good girl, the one that had never looked on a babe suckling its mother’s breast and thought it a tasty morsel to have for dinner. Pain rolled through me. I was a bad girl, and Daddy didn’t love me. A box fell, the contents spilling out. I felt hair, and plastic limbs. I knew where Daddy couldn’t find me.

Why won’t these tears stop?

***

Coming back again I found that my daytime-self loved me. She’d given me a present. I wonder what she was doing with my Spike.  The things he’d said to me today, when he thought I’d been sleeping- how he’d waited so long for me to be with him, how much he’d wanted it. The Slayer would be his death. I could see her sunshine dancing all around him, the pixies whispering that he was no longer my knight.

I didn’t care. She could have him. Let him smother her, consume her, drown in her.

I would have Daddy, no- I would have Angel. I was Buffy, and Angel loved Buffy.

She even said that we had the same friends, and they smiled at me when I came downstairs.

We watched a movie, and I knew the whole story at the end. The pretty blonde girl picks the right guy and they live happily ever after. I could sympathize with her fear of flying; I was not meant to be a bird. I couldn’t sing.

The ice cream was much, much better than the movie. I moaned over the one with chocolate, marshmallows, and just the right crunch from nuts. When I said it was better than sex, my friends had looked at me funny, and I realized my daytime-self was a virgin. Innocent. For their benefit I added an ‘or so I’d imagine’ and a lot of giggling.

When Willow and Xander left, I felt better than I had since . . . since . . .

I remembered my sister coming into my room, hiding under the bedclothes so we could talk and whisper without our parents hearing.

Angelus had left me her body, violated with her insides set around her, pinned with neat labels. No, he’d left Drusilla her corpse. Angel loved Buffy.

I wrote my daytime-self to thank her and give her the warning I’d never received. Too late for me now. I wrote to her like she was my dear sister.  

Only we are so very much closer.   


	6. St. Louis Sorbet

Is it pain that makes you real?

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Long Way Down”

****

_Monday, September 29, 1997_

I didn’t mean to do it. One minute I was walking to school, happily repressing the previous night’s events, and the next I was standing in the corner pharmacy staring at the racks of nail polish. I already had cotton balls and acetone in my hand. It was wrong. It was ten, maybe fifteen, kinds of wrong. I felt bad about it, and then I did it anyway. I reached out and snagged a bottle of the same brand and shade as last night. I turned it upside down to look at the name of the color- St. Louis Sorbet. I made a face at it- big thanks to whoever came up with that one. It totally didn’t make me think about, well, things I didn’t want to think about.

I spent a good part of the allowance I’d been saving up for cream rinse on the nail stuff instead.  It’d just take me a few more weeks now to buy it.  The rinse had better do what it was supposed to, that department store stuff didn’t come cheap.  There’d been a line at the checkout and I had to run most of the way to school to make my first class.  

During algebra and civics, all I could think about was the polish sitting in my bag. I was going certifiably nuts. It’s not like I didn’t realize that I was being weird, and was way focused on not the right thing, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t pay attention to the lectures. My notes were terrible; I’d have to get a set from Willow later. It’s not as if I needed to know much about the voting process anyway. Like hello, Slayer here, I’d probably reach my expiration date long before I’d be old enough to cast a ballot.

When my free period rolled around, I trudged towards the library. I knew I was in for a fun and exciting lecture from my Watcher on the laundry list of Spike & Drusilla’s sins from the last century, but at least I could do my nails at the same time. So that worked out.

Willow caught up with me in the hallway.

“You doing ok Buffy? You look kinda down.”

“Yeah, just not super thrilled at another hour of ‘This is Your Life’ from Giles.”

“He’s super worried about those new vampires.” She grabbed the straps of her backpack tightly, swallowing nervously. I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, after all she’d spent last night eating ice cream with one of those vampires, but it’d be a lie. She should be afraid. Spike would rip her throat out without hesitating and Dru, in her normal body, would lap up the blood like a cat with cream.  For that matter me in Dru’s body might do it too, not a theory I wanted to test.

I shrugged one shoulder “He should be; we all should be. Especially me.” It came out a little darker than I meant it to.

“I guess Slayer and all, you are kind of a target, but that’s not actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”  Now her hands were down at her sides, twisting in her skirt. It was Willow code for severe embarrassment.

“Out with it, Willow.” I smiled to soften the words.

“Well, lately you’ve been kind of-“

“Spazzy?”

“Well, more out of it than normal. And, and- I wondered if it had something to do with a guy. I mean you said the ice cream last night was better than sex, and you sounded like you meant it, and you were alone with Angel the other night, and-“

“Willow, take a breath.” Her face was almost the same color as her hair.  “Are you asking me if I’m still a virgin?” I stopped to turn and look at her, hands on my hips, mock stern.

“Are you?” Her eyebrows were sky high.

I realized that I really had no idea, for all I knew Dru had been down at the docks making pocket change. I hoped not, and I guess either way, since my consciousness wasn’t involved, and I still had yet to even see a naked guy, I qualified.

“Yes, Willow, I’m still a virgin. I’ve kissed fo- uh, three guys total and have yet to get past first base.” 

“What if Angel wanted to? Would you do it?”

I cocked my head to the side, thinking. I imagined his lips, his arms, his handsome face and those haunted brown eyes. He tasted like nothing but himself, and maybe mouthwash sometimes. Certainly not like cigarettes and whisky. I closed my eyes to conjure Angel up, but that was a mistake. Behind my lids there were only azure blue eyes above a set of sharp cheekbones. _I can make all of you feel good._   The butterflies started up, and suddenly it was way too warm for my coat.  My eyes snapped open and I dropped my book bag to the floor as I struggled out of my jacket.

“Well?” Willow prompted.

“They must have the heater cranked up,” I complained, and added, because it was so completely true, “I’d do it, if Angel wanted to. He’s such a hottie.” I absolutely would, what did the distracting butterflies know, anyway? “Plus, he’s totally old, probably knows tons about sex stuff.”

“I hadn’t thought about that!” Willow squeaked, making me giggle.

There was a moment of silence while we contemplated the implications, before breaking out into simultaneous grins. I picked my bag back up and grabbed Willow’s hand to tug her towards the library. “We better hurry up, or Giles will have a coronary.”

Xander was already there when we burst laughing through the doors. My Watcher looked pointedly at his watch as me and Willow collapsed into chairs, trying not to peek at each other so the giggles wouldn’t start up again.  I pulled the nail stuff I’d bought that morning out of my bag and kicked off my shoes and socks.

“Pedicure emergency?” Xander said, looking quizzically at me over the table as I planted my toes on the edge of it.

“The emergency-est,” I chirped back at him.

“Well, as long as you still feel like you can listen.” Giles looked like he wanted someone to put him out his misery.

“I’m all ears, let’s hear about Sunnydale’s newest power couple.” I focused on my toes. If I looked nowhere else, I couldn’t give myself away.  It’s not like if I appeared nervous that anyone would randomly guess my secret, anyway. They’d probably think I was just worried about how I was going to manage to slay the two.  Which I was totally going to do at some point, because that’s what I did. I dusted vampires, at least when I wasn’t being one.

The next fifty minutes was just like being in history class, only a lot gorier, and I'd never been switching bodies with Cleopatra or kissed George Washington.

Giles was brandishing a sheaf of papers that the council had faxed to him.  He read out horrible thing after even more horrible thing. Orphanages razed, whole wedding parties murdered, an entire night club laid to waste, train cars arriving at their destination without a single person left alive. During the whole litany I never flinched, it was nothing more or less than I’d expected. Undead Bonnie & Clyde were bad news.

With careful strokes I worked on getting the St. Louis Sorbet on my toes, while trying and failing to not focus on the fact that I understood much better now why a vampire did what it did. It finally made sense to me why every fledgling threw itself at me like they had a chance of remaining undusty. The demon made them feel invulnerable, they truly believed they would win, right up until I shoved a steak through their hearts. I knew when I’d vamped out that I hadn’t entirely been myself, that I’d become other, a blending of my mind and the demon. When it had retreated it was like a wall had snapped into place. I had the feeling that wasn’t usually the case. For most vamps that darkness was probably always at least a little bit present, especially in newer vampires. I needed to ask Dru what was up with hers. Was the wall there because she was so old, or maybe the demon was hiding because that’s what smart demons did around the Slayer, or maybe it had to do something with her being ill.

I’d sort of tuned Giles’ babbling out, as I could care less what Spike and Dru had been doing in Italy like 50 years ago. Big whoop. However, when he paused and looked down at his notes for a minute, and then said “It appears that we do not know who Drusilla’s sire is.” He was frowning at the paper as if he could will it into telling him.

I went back to squinting and trying to get the polish on my left pinkie toe with minimal cuticle involvement. “Angel,” I said without looking up.

“Excuse me?” Giles sputtered, obviously surprised I’d know more than the council did about, well, anything honestly.

I raised my head up, glancing around at the three shocked faces. “Angel, uh- what’s the word?”

“Sired,” Giles supplied softly.

“He sired Drusilla.”  I stared at my nails, waiting for them to be dry enough for a second coat.

My Watcher had his glasses in his hands, studiously wiping them with a handkerchief. “Buffy, how can you possible know this? Did Angel tell you?”

I snorted “Puh-lease. Like he ever says more than ten words at a time to me. It was part of that big fat Slayer dream I had after the school was attacked.”  Not the worst lie I was going to be telling.  “I don’t know the whole story or anything. Just that he was the one to do it.”

Giles made a non-committal noise and wrote something on one of his papers. Then he pierced me with a very pointed look. “Is there anything else you’d like to tell us, Buffy?”

For several heartbeats I thought he knew. That somehow Dru had outted herself and I was about to be raked over the coals, or maybe fired as a Slayer. Could they fire me? Maybe they’d just kill me, no skin off their backs, since I was damaged goods now.

“Um, well, er-“ I stalled, nail polish bottle still clutched in my hands.

“Do you have any insights into why Spike and Drusilla are here on the Hellmouth?” My Watcher asked, looking at me intently.

Insights, I was totally vampire insight girl. I breathed a sigh of relief and opened the bottle, sticking my tongue out at Xander when he pulled a face at the smell of the polish.

“I do, but I only have word of mouth from one vamp, so I was going to try and confirm it first. But I can tell you if you want.” Giles nodded, coming to lean against the table. “Okay-dokay, here goes. Drusilla was hurt something fierce a while ago by that angry mob in Prague, the one that council thought killed her. She never really got better, she’s still really weak, and can’t do things like hunt or defend herself.”

“Wait,” Xander broke in. “Don’t vampires have like super healing powers? I thought they just need to drink a little blood and “bam!” everything’s better.”

Willow nodded, her mouth twisting to the side “She must have been hurt really, super-duper bad.” 

“Yes,” Giles agreed, “I never heard the like before, nor can I fathom the amount of damage she must of endured to remain with permanent disability.”

I shuddered. The body I spent half my time in had undergone unspeakable pain in the fairly recent past. I kept putting myself in her place, imagining I was the one to have nearly been ripped to shreds. She must have been so scared.

“How is she still alive?” Xander asked. “Aren’t vampires all-“ he held his hand up like claws and made a face, “grr, argh- I’ll kill you if you show weakness.”

“Spike,” I said. Wasn’t it obvious? Like duh, people.

Willow snorted “Yeah, cause he’s such a warm, caring guy.”

I opened my mouth to contradict her, but managed to stop myself from actually defending him flat out. Geez my head was screwy. “Look, I don’t understand it, but he really loves her and is taking care of her.”

Giles shook his head, fixing me with a patient look. “Buffy, you know that’s impossible. It might be an approximation of love, but it’s not the real thing. As a demon with no soul he’s incapable. Whatever reason he has for keeping her with him, it’ll be something self-serving.”

I didn’t have a response for him. There was no way for me to explain. The looks, the touches, the way Spike spoke to me, how worried he’d been when I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. His patience. I knew, I remembered, that he was a big, bad scary vampire. When he’d attacked the school I’d been terrified, but now those memories were fading under the avalanche of new ones I’d been making over the last several nights. His mocking grin as he punched me, now overlaid with his soft curve of his lips as he’d painted my toes last night. It was so confusing. I stared at my feet. I didn’t even know which way was up anymore.

“Well, whatever,” I finally exhaled. “The important deal is that in order to fix Drusilla, Spike believes he needs the blood of a Slayer. So he’s gunning for me, big time. The current plan is to watch me and learn my moves before he tries attacking again.”

Xander and Willow had both leaned forward, concern written all over their faces.

Giles leaned forward, putting a hand over mine where it rested on my leg. “Buffy, do you know when he’s planning on coming after you again?”

I shook my head “Nope, I don’t think it’s for a little while.” I dropped my feet off the table and scooted back so I could put my socks and shoes back on, hiding the St. Louis Sorbet were no one could see it.

“English class calls,” Willow smiled, “I bet we have a nice pop quiz today.”

Xander groaned. “I feel asleep during the first thirty seconds of the movie. I don’t know how anything achieves that spectacular of a level of boring. It’s really impressive.”

“I don’t think Pride and Prejudice is boring at all.” I grumbled. Especially not when read in a rumbling, sexy English accent. My friends looked at me like I’d just admitted to thinking New Kids on the Block was better than The Backstreet Boys. “What?” I said defensively, “I happen to like it.”

“Uh-hu,” Xander said, heading towards the library doors. “Who are you and what have you done with the real Buffy?” I gathered up my books and followed him out, only barely containing my desire to smack him.

****

At home I geared up for slaying. The pop quiz from English with the big A+ circled on the top was tacked to the front of the fridge where my Mom was sure to see it. I was super proud of that grade, even Willow had only gotten an A, which had made her cranky when she saw what I’d gotten.

I dropped down at my vanity and turned to a blank page in the notebook.

_Dear Dru,_

_I’m so sorry that I made you worse, it wasn’t on purpose. I’m glad you enjoyed the party, ice cream always makes me feel better. I know Angel was your sire, but who was Spikes? And when was he turned?_

_I realized today that I can’t always be home at nightfall. If you wake up somewhere else check your left pocket for a little notebook so you know what’s going on. Remember, tomorrow we need to pick up the exchange student, a boy named Ampata, at the bus station. He’ll be staying for two weeks. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but patrol still needs to happen._

_xoxoxo, Buffy_

_P.S. I met your demon last night, but it took a threat for it to show. What’s with that?_

****

The factory ceiling swam into focus. Everything hurt, and my eyelids felt like each one weighed a ton. I let them fall closed. Spike hadn’t been kidding about me being bedridden. I could hardly move. Worst of all was the knot of hunger in my belly. I whimpered, wanting to put a hand over the empty spot, but I didn’t have the energy to do it.

The bed next to me dipped as a Spike shaped weight settled onto it.  His proximity made me take stock, and I was surprised to find I had something covering me besides the sheets. It felt like the T-shirt of his I’d been wearing the other day, and I was absurdly grateful for the extra layer of protection.

A finger traced lightly across my cheek. “Hey.”

“Hey,” with a herculean effort I managed to raise one eyelid and look at him out of the corner of my eye. Concern was etched into every feature of his face, and in his eyes was a swirl of emotions that I just couldn’t handle. _They’re not for you_ , I reminded myself firmly. I let my eye drop closed again.

This was too much. Everything was too much. I wanted off the merry-go-round right now. I felt horrible, and not just physically. I caused the worry I’d seen on Spike’s face, and I cared that I was the reason for it. That wasn’t right. No Slayer should care anything about a vampire at all, except whether or not the vamp was dust yet.  But I did. God, or whoever, help me, because I did.

A sob escaped, catching me by surprise. The movement caused my neck and chest to twinge, and I gasped with the pain. Tears ran wet and silent down my cheeks.

“Hush, poodle. I’m here, it’s okay. Shhh.” Spike shifted so he was lying with his head on the same pillow as mine, one arm resting across my middle. Crap, why did it have to feel comforting.  He was continuing to murmur nonsense in my ear.

“I’m sorry,” I finally managed to say.

“For what, luv?” His nose was nuzzling my ear. It was distracting, but apparently even my butterflies were tired.

“For being stupid.”

Spike chuckled warmly, right next to my ear. “S’okay, poodle. I probably still have you beat on that score.”

I couldn’t help it, my lips twitched up in a wry smile. “Probably,” I allowed.

“Made you laugh and cry at the same time.” He pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek. His arm that was squished between us wiggled until his hand could clasp around mine. I wished that there was some way I could preserve this moment, enter it as exhibit A as to why I knew that Spike really loved Drusilla. There was no way what he was feeling was some kind of approximation of the emotion, or that it was a remembered echo of what love was supposed to be. This was real, immediate, and very overwhelming. Dru was a lucky girl.

We lay like that for a long time. I drifted in and out of sleep, but he was always right there when I woke back up. His arm would have been in agony from how he was laying on it if he’d been human, so I guess yay! for vampires and their lack of circulation.

Dawn was still a few hours off when I heard the parrot-who-needs-a-name give a squawk and flutter around it’s cage. I opened my eyes, but there was no way I was going to be able to make it up out of the bed, let alone take care of it.

“William,” I nudged the sleeping form next to me. “William, wake up.”

“Huh?” He mumbled, “What is it?”

“I forgot the bird earlier, can you go make sure it’s got food and water?”

He untangled himself from me and rolled so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He stretched and scratched the back of his neck before standing up and walking over to the cage.

I blinked my eyes a couple of times. He looked . . . different. The black shirt and jeans were gone, along with the platinum blonde slicked backed hair. He was dressed like somebody out of one of those boring movies on PBS that Willow was always trying to get me to watch. The shirt’s high collar looked uncomfortable.

“Pretty bird, pretty bird.” He said to it, smiling as it hoped around the cage. His hair was longer, light brown, and it curled adorably over his forehead. I wondered if it felt as soft as it looked. A pair of glasses, that I’m sure I’d never seen him wear before, were perched on his nose.

He continued to talk to the bird as he filled its food and water, little inane things to calm it as he’d done for me earlier. “You really should give the poor thing a name, can’t just keep callin’ it ‘bird.’” He raised an eyebrow at me.

I thought about it for a minute, continuing to watch him as he reached a finger into the cage to stroke the animal’s feathers. “How does Lorenzo work for you?”

“Your bird.” He shrugged.

“You hate it,” I pouted at him.

“Nah, hate’s a strong word.” He walked back over to the foot of the bed, looking down at me. “Just don’t like it is all.” He smirked, and I knew he was teasing me. I continued to pout at him, letting my lip slip out a fraction more so he’d know I was really put out with him. His eyes locked on my mouth, and his face took on a predatory cast that didn’t entirely fit with the softer hair, and especially not with those glasses. I giggled.

He put his hands down on either side of my feet, leaning his weight into them.

“William, what are you up to?” Another giggle escaped. With a little growl he put one knee up on the bed, then the other, crawling up over me. I squeaked as his nose came level with mine.

“My girl can name the bloody bird whatever she likes.” He lowered his head, kissing the side of my neck. Immediately the butterflies were very, very awake. Pain or nor pain I had to bring a hand up, threading it into that hair. I turned my face into his, breathing his scent deep into my chest. He growled again, the vibrations against my skin setting something loose inside me. The butterflies were drowned in molten fire, and I gasped at the unexpected heat.

I clutched tighter at the back of his head, but pain wracked my elbow, and I couldn’t keep my arm up. With a thud it landed back down to the mattress. It was my turn to growl, angry and frustrated.

The perfect gentleman, William lay back down next to me, his arm creeping around my middle again.

“Sleep now, luv.” His smile was warm and soft.

“Promise you’ll stay with me?” I asked, suddenly frightened at my helplessness.

“Always. Now close your eyes.”

I did, and sank into the darkness there.

****

I blinked and was in my kitchen with a plate of toast. I guess Dru didn’t like the striped crop top and white skirt I’d put out to wear to the museum today, since I had jeans and a dark green v-neck shirt on, ones I didn’t even remember buying. I swallowed the bite of bread in my mouth and took another. Really, I was getting way too used to this jumping back and forth thing.

“You look really nice today honey,” my Mom came into the kitchen, putting the back on an earring with her arms all akimbo. “Actually, lately you’ve been looking really grown up.” She frowned, and came over to give me a quick squeeze. “Don’t become an adult too fast, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” After giving me a kiss on the forehead, she opened the fridge to grab a yogurt. 

I nibbled at the toast, waiting for my regular dose of morning after guilt to hit, but it didn’t show. After all, I hadn’t really done much of anything. I’d just sort of laid there and felt terrible. And maybe, kind of, sort of, made out with Willi- uh, Spike. It’d only been a little bit. Had to keep my cover, didn’t I? I had zero idea what was with the whole seeing him with the different clothes and hair. I crinkled up my nose, had that been what he’d looked like when he was alive? What the hell was wrong with me. I’d even called him William. Not exactly something I could ask Giles about. Maybe I’d been so sick that I’d been hallucinating?

I finished my breakfast and ran upstairs to check the notebook.

_Dear Buffy-_

_Routine patrol last night. Is it permissible to have someone accompany me on my rounds? It gets very quiet out there alone. To answer your question, I was the one to sire Spike in the Year of Our Lord 1880. I believe he was 25 or 26 at the time, a real proper Victorian gentleman. Let me tell you, that was no longer the case after he was turned. The first instant I saw him I knew what he was destined for. It’s not what he thinks._

_It’s a great idea you came up with to have a second, smaller notebook. I will endeavor to treat our guest as well as possible. Your mother has prepared the guest room for him. What are you planning for me to wear to the dance Thursday?_

_The demon is afraid of you; after all you are the Slayer. Be sweet to it if you want it to come out and play._

_Love, Drusilla_

That sounded oddly normal, for her anyway. It didn’t surprise me that she was Spike’s sire, it made a lot of sense actually. Probably went a long way to explain his devotion to her. I seriously needed to get my hands on a book with pictures of the clothes back then.

The Year of Our Lord? Really, Dru?

I had no idea what to wear to the dance, it had to be themed, and I totally never wanted Dru’s demon to “come out and play” again. Once was enough.

I grabbed my backpack and headed for school. After being hardly able to move most of the night I had a deep seated need to hit something.


	7. First Line

Whatever ever you are

             -Goo Goo Dolls, “Dizzy”

****

_Tuesday September 30, 1997_

 

Mummies are gross. That's what I learned from the museum field trip today. Well, also that it completely sucks to be a young girl with your fate decided for you. Oh, wait, I already knew that one. Ha, ha. Whatever. At least my destiny has so far included moisturizer.

 

I could have done without a full dose of Queen Bitch Cordelia. I don’t know what that girl’s damage is, but I wish I didn’t have to deal with it on such a regular basis. At least I get to feel smart when I’m forced to be around her for more than twenty-five seconds.

 

After a workout that made me feel like myself again, and bruised Giles, I did my best Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible impression and nabbed a book on the Victorian Age in England. There was a tense minute when I almost grabbed one with a lot of text instead of pictures, but I realized my error in time. I probably should have checked the book out legitimately and claimed it was for a class, but I’ve already got so many lies hanging around that I didn’t want to add one more.

 

Willow had a bunch of extra note pads and pens in her locker, and gave me a set that’d fit in my pocket without even batting an eye. I think she’s still all weirded out about me getting a better grade than her on something in English class. She shouldn’t worry. Days like today, when I can’t even think about getting my homework done before being whisked away, will balance out any high grades I receive and ensure I remain mediocre student girl.

 

Which is probably better than being the ‘Slayer who makes out with an evil vampire under false pretenses’- girl. Sigh, whoops. I was not supposed to be thinking about that. Just like that my good mood vanished, and walking down the street towards the bus station now felt like an exercise in stupidity. Who do I think I’m kidding? Besides myself, obviously. 

 

My already not normal life had taken a detour into completely bizarro land. I glanced over to where Willow and Xander were not only walking together, but were also laughing about something.  My ego wasn’t so big that I was worried that they were making fun of me, but I did feel excluded. Like always, I was alone.

 

What would happen if I told them that in a few minutes my consciousness would be in a vampire’s body, while Drusilla would be here with them? What would I say if they asked what I did at the factory? _Oh yeah guys, I just kind of lay around, read, watch tv, and swap spit with Spike. No biggie._ I could flat out see the disappointment in Giles’ eyes. A vice gripped around my heart.  I should have told him immediately, now I felt trapped by my decision.  Me, Dru, and our web of lies. Somehow I’d figure this out before our house of cards came crashing down.

 

Glancing at the darkening sky I hastily pulled the pad of paper out of my pocket.

  

 

_Dru-_

_We’re on the way to the bus station to get Ampata. The others know the way. I don’t know what to wear to the dance. It’s themed, so we’re supposed to dress like a different cultural group. Can you think of anything?_

_-Buffy_

 

****

 

I blinked and was no longer walking down the street.

 

I was sitting up in bed and feeling marginally improved from the previous night. The hunger was sharper, more there, getting to be a problem. I needed to bring the whole animal blood thing up, because if Drusilla wasn’t willing to drink from the tap any more, then both of us were screwed.

 

At the door Spike was swinging his coat on. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, and this time I mean it, poodle: Stay. Bloody. Put.” Then he was gone. Well, damn.  At least he’d looked like his normal self instead of my wacky mind’s Masterpiece Theater version of him.

 

I was still too tired and weak to get up, so even TV watching was a no go. I’d never make it across the room to turn it on. This was really super boring. I hoped whatever Spike was doing was important, because he’d left me high and dry. Idiot vampire. 

 

My middle gave a hollow pulse and I had the crushing realization of what Spike was probably up to. The anger I felt towards him was irrational, but it echoed around inside me anyway. He was a vampire, he killed people. He wasn’t doing it to piss me, as the Slayer, off.

 

I laid back and tried to go to sleep, but instead found myself counting the cracks in the ceiling. Too much longer and I’d start naming them. Lorenzo squawked and scolded me from his cage. Like me he was probably hungry.

 

“Nothing I can do!” I said sourly. 

 

Trying to ignore the fluttering wings and racing heartbeat, I closed my eyes and focused inwards. I was never completely by myself here. _Hey, uh, demon,_ I thought, _you don’t need to worry about me. I’m not going to hurt you, can’t really. No hard feelings, we’re both stuck here in crazy girl’s body, and we might as well make the most of it._   There was a little flurry of sensation at the back of my mind, and I could almost imagine Dru’s demon peeking its head out from behind the protective wall it had built. _That’s right_ , I encouraged it, _we don’t have to be enemies_. The faintest fragment of the feeling from two nights ago snaked through me. It was a good start, and I smiled to myself.

 

My eyes popped open as I remembered myself. What the hell was I doing? Making “friends” with Dru’s demon was so not part of the plan. It was anti-plan, actually. The itty bit of darkness didn’t fade though. I’d given it a toe hold and it didn’t seem in a hurry to give it up, second thoughts or no. I was in so much trouble. At least it might be quicker to show up if I needed to protect myself again. Which was good. Maybe. Could anything linked to a demon be considered _good_? And wasn’t I linked to a demon now, so what about me? Was I evil now? How could I not know? I didn’t walk around all day thinking about ways to main or kill everyone; I didn’t spend all night doing it either. Gah! This was all so confusing.

 

A scratch at the door made me sit bolt upright in the bed. It came again, a little stronger. Probably not one of the resident rodent population then. If it was a vampire wanting in, me telling it to go away wasn’t going to be effective. The third time the scratching ended in something that was almost a knock.

 

“Yes?” I called.

 

The door creaked open to reveal the very nervous face of a vampire. He was unlike any vamp I’d ever seen before. While he wore his demonic features, they didn’t seem very frightening when coupled with the fact that he was balding and wearing a pair of wire rimmed glasses.

 

“Mistress Drusilla?” he was looking at the floor instead of me, his body language so subservient I was sure I could make him actually grovel if I wanted to. The weak pulse in the back of my mind let me know Dru’s demon thought groveling was a great idea, that it was nothing less than our due. _Seriously?_ I shot back at it _, when we can’t even get up and are dressed only in our boyfri . . . in Spike’s shirt?_ That made it shut up.

 

“Who are you?” I asked the trembling vampire, in my best snobby tone. The vamp flinched and I had to suppress a giggle by putting a hand over my mouth. I wasn’t being very nice to the guy, who really hadn’t done anything to me. I tramped down the laughter. “I’m sorry,” I said, running a hand through my hair. “I’m not trying to be a bitch.” The vamp’s lips twitched ever so slightly at the corners. “But, I know I’m succeeding at it spectacularly.” He smiled genuinely now, all the way to his eyes. I waved my hand for him to come over.

 

He slid one foot into the room, and I could see now that a novel was clutched in his hands. “I’m, uh, I’m- my name is Dalton. I have the book you wanted. Th-th-that the Master asked me to get for you.”

 

The Master? Panic flared to bright, spectacular life for a moment, then quickly died as I figured it out. He meant his Master- Spike, not the ugly bat that’d killed me.

 

I hadn’t asked for a book; it must have been Dru. What the heck would she want to read?

 

“Well, give it here Dalton,” I said, holding out my hand.  Still looking mostly at the floor he scuttled forward and dropped the book in my waiting hand, before fleeing back to the door. He sketched an awkward bow and was gone.

 

I’d been left holding a copy of “The Outsiders.” It was the next book on the reading list for my English class. Well, that was . . . odd. At some point Drusilla had looked at my school papers and syllabi, and had even asked Spike to get her a copy. It felt like a thank you of sorts, or maybe an acknowledgement that we were more than just two ships passing in the night. It was nice, a reminder that we were in this together.  “Thanks Dru,” I murmured, ghosting a white hand across the mostly black cover. I folded it back and started reading. It began with the least vampire friendly first line of all time.

 

_When I stepped out into the bright sunlight . . ._

 

****

 

I read the novel straight through, which was not my norm. I’m not a big reader because it’s hard for me to sit still long enough to really concentrate on the words, but at the moment my body couldn't do much else. The story broke my heart, and I was amazed to find out that the author was a woman, and had been my age when she wrote it. I felt kind of unaccomplished for a moment, but then remembered that while no one particularly knew about it, saving the world was kind of a big deal.

 

I still had the book in my hands when Spike waltzed back through the door. He was humming something completely off key, and missed the peg with his coat, leaving it in a heap on the floor.

 

“You look awful,” I told him.  His hair was mussed and matted with blood on one side, with more caking the front of his shirt. I was pretty certain it mostly wasn’t his. A bruise was blossoming on his right check, and his left eye was purple and swollen. There was a collection of marks down both his arms, and his knuckles were scraped. He stumbled his was over to my side of the bed, grinning down at me. I wrinkled up my nose at him “Ick, and you smell worse than you look.” It was totally Eau de Bar Floor.

 

He ignored my comments and grabbed for the book, which I held out of his reach. “ ‘S what you got there, luv?” His voice was slurred, and the smell of cheap whisky joined the other wonderful aromas wafting from him.

 

“Are you drunk?” I asked point blank, though the answer was pretty obvious.

 

“Mmm- s’ats right. Tell me what you’re reading, Spike wants to know.”

 

“You’re drunk and talking about yourself in the third person. This is a blast. Go shower the stink off and I’ll tell you.” I fluttered my eyelashes at him.

 

The vampire leered at me, swaying slightly on his feet. “Care to join me, pet?” He purred, running a hand down his own body.

 

I made a noise that sounded a lot like “Guh,” and then I couldn’t have looked away for anything. He’d snagged the bottom of his shirt between his fingers, and with a smirk at my wide eyes, yanked the fabric off and tossed it away. I was glad I couldn’t blush, because otherwise I would have been an unattractive shade of neon red. The butterflies had morphed into eagles, and my lower lip had somehow ended up caught between my teeth.

 

Spike’s hands skimmed back down his torso, and he ended up with his thumbs hooked in the loops of his belt with his fingers- ok, uh, nope.

 

I dropped my head down to rest on my forearms, which were propped on my bent up knees. Brown hair fell forward like a curtain, blocking my view of temptation. Those silky dark locks also served to remind me that he wasn’t seeing the real me. To him I was Drusilla with better conversational skills, not Buffy Summers. I struggled to keep my voice even. “I can barely sit up Spike; I can’t leave this bed. You know that. It’s not nice to tease.” I tried to sound like I was making a joke, but it came out flat.

 

“ ‘M sorry, pet. I wasn’t thinking.” He patted my shoulder clumsily with one hand, and I caught his fingers with mine, holding and squeezing them for a second.

 

“Go on, you really do smell.” Even dried, the rich, spicy scent of the blood on him was beginning to tickle my nose. Dru’s demon was taking entirely too much notice.

 

“Right.” He walked to the closet, presumably to grab new clothes, then back out the door. I didn’t move my head. I repeated to myself over and over that I was the Slayer, and that vampires were evil creatures that were no better than rabid mongrels. Spike was a murderer; his freaking name came from the fact he tortured people for goodness sake. He ate people. Well, not like the guy in Silence of the Lambs, but still, humans were nothing but food to him. I dredged up some of the most unsavory tidbits I could remember from Giles’ lecture, stuff about orphanages and young woman that’d been violated. He was a monster. I was here for information to help save not only myself, but potentially those I love, as well as the rest of Sunnydale’s population.

 

Breathe in, breathe out. Relax.

 

I stayed with my head down until I heard him return. Involuntarily my eyes flicked up to watch him as he entered. He was wearing nothing but the black jeans, the button open so they hung low on his hips. Both of his hands were busy using an off white towel to dry his hair, and he continued to hum some song under his breath.

 

“Spike!” I called as he walked past the bird cage.

 

“Yes, luv?” He snapped the towel in my direction, pelting me with little water droplets. I rolled my eyes at him.

 

“Can you please feed Lorenzo? He’s been complaining in there half the night.”

 

He nodded, tossing the towel over one shoulder as he opened the cage door to fetch out the dishes. When he bent over to find the food let my head fall forward again and started back on the litany of reasons I had to not to be ogling him. It was just difficult, when he was here and being sweet to me. At one time I liked to dunk Oreos in apple juice, but I wouldn’t want anyone to base their assessment of me on that fact. It’s something I used to do. Maybe Spike had gotten over some of the worst of his ways. Yeah, and maybe I’m a Chinese jet pilot. I needed to get a grip; imagining Spike had, or could, change was a great way for me to end up dead.

 

I got bounced out of my reverie as Spike jumped onto the bed next to me, grinning. He laid back, bare feet crossed at the ankles and one hand behind his head. Free of its usual gel, his hair was a riot of curls.

 

“Missed you, baby,” he purred, running a finger down my arm.

 

“I’m sure,” I snorted.

 

 He frowned petulantly. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Let’s start with the fact that I’m still hungry.”

 

“If you’d just let me-“ I stopped him with a slash of one hand.

 

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

 

“Bloody hell, this is about the soddin’ animal blood, innit?” I nodded, glad and not a little surprised that Dru had remembered. “Look, alright, you win. I’ll get the boys on it first thing next sundown. Just might take a tic to get things up and running, is all.” Spike grabbed a pack of smokes off the nightstand next to him, tapping the box on his chest before opening the lid and shaking one out far enough that he could get the filter between his lips. Tossing the rest carelessly back on the table he fished in his pocket for his zippo and handed it to me. “Be a dear.”

 

The lighter was surprisingly heavy in my hand. Spike didn’t move, so I was going to have to get on my knees and lean over him to light the cigarette. Manipulative vamp. I set the book down with a sigh and somewhat less than gracefully positioned myself next to him. I flicked the lighter so it was lit and leaned forward with one hand braced on his chest. Once the flame met the end of the smoke he took in a deep breath, then liberated the zippo from my only slightly trembling fingers. It clunked as it landed next to the pack on the table.

 

I couldn’t move, not even to breathe. My right hand was still splayed out against his chest, the muscle hard under my palm. With rapt attention I watched his lips, how they pursed as he inhaled, and then relaxed as he blew the blue smoke out while keeping the butt of the cigarette caught in the corner of his mouth. I was fast loosing track of what I’d been thinking about earlier.

 

“So what you reading, pet? Juicy little romance novel, maybe, an’ you don’t want me to know?”

 

I rolled my eyes. Lorenzo gave a squawk from his cage and suddenly something clicked in my brain. I used the hand on Spike’s chest to hit him, not very hard of course. I didn’t have much of a choice about that with this weak body.

 

“It’s a test.” I said.

 

“What’s a test?” He asked, confused.

 

“The bird. You know to feed him, but you’ve been waiting for me to ask you. It’s a test to see if and when I’m dealing with a full deck.”

 

At least he had the good grace to look guilty. He employed tapping the ash off the end of his cigarette as a reason to delay his response. The fact that he used an empty whisky bottle as an ashtray was a discussion I filed away for a later date.  Being in a vampire’s body did not mean I suddenly tossed out every house keeping and hygiene ideal I owned.

 

“Possibly,” he finally allowed, not meeting my eyes. Something inside me broke at his expression of genuine pain.

 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m trying.”

 

“I know.” He said, settling his hand over mine on his chest. “Now, how about we get back to that book you keep wanting to distract me from.” The cocky grin was back in place.

 

“Part two of why I’m cranky,” I said. “You left me sitting here, for hours, with nothing to do. You didn’t even turn the TV on.” I pulled my hand away from him so I could cross my arms in front of my chest and give him a good glare.  Spike’s eyebrows were raised in surprise. “Even zoo animals get toys and stuff to distract them. I was so bored I now know that, without turning my head, there’s forty-two cracks in the ceiling that I can see.”

 

Since it was Spike I was talking to, I should have known what he was going to pick up on out of that tirade. “You need some toys, luv?” Smirk, smirk, smirk. He was going to kill me with innuendos and smirking. The bastard.

 

“It was almost enough to drive me crazy.” That made his leer disappear real fast. I nearly felt ashamed for going with such a low blow. “If Dalton hadn’t gotten enough courage together to bring me that book, I don’t know what I would have done.”

 

Some emotion I couldn’t define rippled across Spike’s face. “Dalton was in here?” he ground out through clenched teeth. He was tense, his muscles bunched.

 

I reached forward again, massaging one of his forearms to help him relax. “For about two seconds, just long enough to hand me the book you asked him to get me, and scamper off.”

 

“Not a lot of fight in that dog.”

 

I nodded in agreement and dropped the paperback on his chest. “The Outsiders,” he read, picking it up. “You’ve got good taste.” He used the book’s spine to scratch an itch on his stomach. My eyes followed the movement, and I became acutely aware of just exactly how far down his jeans had worked themselves.  I’ve always been a sucker for the place on a guy where waist and hip join together, and I suddenly found myself with a front row seat to that area on Spike’s body. My eyes poured over him, while heat flowed through my belly. A little way below his navel I could see the line of hair that led to parts south. Wasn’t there some cutesy name for it? I could barely come up with my name at the moment, let alone pull that one out of my brain.

 

Without conscious thought I reached my hand out to feel those dusky hairs. They were rough under my fingers, and I swear I could hear them crackle against each other as I rubbed.

 

A hand closed around my wrist, and I gave a started yelp as Spike yanked me so I was laying flush against him. I let my knees unbend, and stretched out like a cat along his length. He tossed the book away and tangled his hand into my hair. I looked up into his eyes, the lids at half mast, and then down to his lips.

 

He brought his other hand out from behind his head, and used it to trace over the contours of my face.  I wondered, when he’d gotten rid of the cigarette butt. His lips were moving, his voice slightly hoarse as he recited the lines of the Frost poem from the book.

 

 _“Nature's first green is gold,_ __  
Her hardest hue to hold.  
Her early leaf's a flower;   
But only so an hour.  
Then leaf subsides to leaf,  
So Eden sank to grief,  
So dawn goes down to day  
Nothing gold can stay.”

 

I could only stare. Spike, the big bad Slayer of Slayers, was reciting poetry to me. From memory.  While my insides turned molten.

 

“Bloke didn’t quite get it right though, did he?”  I watched mesmerized as his eyes momentarily flashed demon gold.

 

I willed mine to do the same, and the world quickly shifted into and out of that different, other, way of being. I gave my demon a little cheer for coming through for me. Spike purred, a low rumble that vibrated my chest and arms. The hand in my hair shifted to cup the back of my head, and he tugged my mouth down towards his.

 

My lips had barely touched his when pain ripped through my skull. I rolled to the side, digging my fingernails into my scalp, howling soundlessly. My mind wasn’t my own. The images poured through me fast and hard.

 

_A girl, I couldn’t see her face, kissing someone as they turned to dust. Myself, sitting at my vanity and writing in the notebook with a pink pen. A trunk, the lock snapping as the lid swung open so I could see the body of a young man inside. Xander, Willow, and myself standing in my kitchen looking through the fridge. There was a dark haired girl with us, laughing and standing close to Xander. A dead body in the school bathroom. The jungle, a full moon overhead, drums pounding. A girl, scared and alone, bound hand and foot in a dark cell. The drums thumping like a heartbeat. The girl was crying. This wasn’t what she wanted, not her choice. Crying._

I whimpered, my eyes fluttering open. Spike was holding me, rocking me gently, like one would child. He was using the bedsheet to wipe tears from my face and whispering a string of comforting nothings in my ear.

 

“S’alright Dru. I’ve got you. Just a vision, eh? We know how that goes. I got you, all safe and sound.”

 

I turned into him, and he tightened his grip.

 

“Hurts.” I said into his shoulder.

 

“I know, darling, I know. Just a little while and it’ll go away.” I let him rock me and pet my hair, too stunned by the throbbing in my skull to resist.

 

After a while he laid me down on the bed, facing away from him. I started to protest. I was terrified I might fall back into the vision without him to anchor me, but he was only gone a moment to rearrange the blankets. Spooned tight against my back with an arm around my waist, he felt like the only real thing in the universe.

 

A while later he shifted slightly, “Did you see anything useful?”

 

“Planning to stuff anyone in a trunk?”

 

“Not at the moment.” His voice was light, teasing. “Don’t suppose it was a little, blonde Slayer by chance?”

 

Thanks universe, for the reminder of who and what I’m sharing a bed with.

 

Spike misinterpreted my sudden stiffness. “No worries, luv. I know the Slayer’s always been shrouded in your visions. You let me know if you the meaning comes to you.” He rolled away from me onto his back, and I could hear him fishing out another cigarette.

 

I wiggled myself slightly away from his body, giving myself some metaphorical breathing room. I had stopped thinking about the fact that this vampire wanted to end me. It’d only been a week since the first time I saw him, outside The Bronze. A week.  Seven days, and I’d gone from fearing him, to letting him comfort me, to letting him touch me. Only it wasn’t really me he was saying and doing those things for. If I turned over and told him I’m the Slayer, those nice words and soft touches would be gone. I was as alone here as I was in my own body. I bit my lip, determined not to cry, not to be weak. The few remaining hours to daylight stretched out like years.

 

****

 

I was sitting on my bed brushing a girl’s long hair. She was saying something, but I hadn’t heard her. “Sorry, what?”

 

She turned around; it was the girl from my vision. I struggled to try and drag the pieces of it together.

 

“Are you alright, Buffy?” Her voice was melodic. Who was she?

 

“Just still sleepy, how about you go grab some breakfast? I’ll be down in a minute.”  Luckily the girl nodded and took off without complaint. As soon as the door closed behind her I was off the bed and grabbing the notebook. The cover was closed, but Dru had left the pen wedged between the pages in order to mark the spot.

 

_Dear Buffy-_

_I found Ampata at the bus station, but she is a girl and not a boy like you said. Her luggage will be delivered later; it was too heavy for even a Slayer to carry. I like her hair. Xander seems taken with her, though they just met. I worry about his judgment._

_Why do you have both milk and rotten milk in your fridge? Is it used in cooking? I’d like to learn to cook. Do you already know how? Will I look strange if I ask your Mom about what she’s doing when she makes dinner?_

_As for the dance I would like to work with Ampata to create an outfit based on her home country of Peru. Is this acceptable? I’m so excited; it’s been a long time since I’ve been to a costume ball._

_Love, Drusilla_

 

Costume ball? Dru needed to watch a teen rom-com movie pronto so she’d know what she was getting into.

 

I didn’t know how I felt about the whole cooking thing. If she started asking my Mom for lessons she was going to know more than me in no time flat. It would thrill Mom if she thought I wanted to both learn and actually listen  when she was teaching me something.  I hadn’t really been all with the mother-daughter bonding since being called.

 

Ah, there was the guilt. Fake me was being better at my life than real me, again. Dru was even worrying about Xander, who was a big boy and could make his own romantic choices. I was more worried about why I seemed to lose all common sense when I was in Drusilla’s body. It was like I simply forgot that messing with her demon was a terrible idea, or that Spike was not somebody I should be attracted to, or that letting a vampire run around in my body probably wasn’t a Watcher’s Council approved action.

 

I dropped my head into my hands. This all couldn’t be happening for no reason. The vision last night had to be telling me something, but what? It wasn’t all that different than a Slayer dream. I could at least ask Giles to help me figure it out. The twisty feeling inside lessened a little tiny bit. If I could help somebody then I was still a good person. Right?


	8. History

Reruns all become our history

             -Goo Goo Dolls, “Name”

 

****

_Wednesday, October 1, 1997_

 

News flash, history class is boring. The teacher was yapping on and on about countries rebuilding in Europe after World War II. The litany of names, dates, and places washed over me without any of it making the slightest impression. Extra desks were crammed into the room to accommodate the exchange students, and the increase in the number of bodies was making the room stuffy. From my seat in the back of the room I had a stellar view of Ampata and Xander making eyes at each other. Barf.

 

Three more seconds of trying to listen to the lecture again, and my brain took a detour right into the danger zone. The ‘what-I-do-at-night’ zone. Wasn’t the harsh light of day supposed to make the things done in the dark look more sordid? So where the hell were all my balancing thoughts from last night?  Right now, I was too warm and feeling pissy because I’d gotten my jungle fever vision just as things had been getting interesting with Spike.

 

I tried focusing on the bad, that he’d shown up covered in human blood, obviously having beaten up and most likely killed somebody, or somebodies. What an ass to come back to me drunk as a skunk and sticky with blood. Dru’s demon had wanted me to hold him down and lick the red stuff off him like chocolate syrup.

 

Oh.

 

I crossed my arms and hid my face in them so no one could see me blush at how naive I’d been. Spike had been trying to tempt me, in a weird vampire blood-fetish way. It was both icky and sweet. I had probably confused the hell out of him by being tone deaf to it, and then melting over books and whispered poetry. Well, that and partial nudity.

 

I sighed at looked down at my notes, which were half a page of nothing, and the opening lines from the Frost poem. _Nature's first green is gold,_ _Her hardest hue to hold._ I didn’t even remember writing them. Apparently my subconscious was also hung up on the factory today.

 

Didn’t this class ever end?

 

I made one more valiant attempt to care about the lecture. It lasted less time than my last one. What had Spike and Drusilla been up to during the late 1940s? I couldn’t remember anything specific from what Giles had told me the other day. It’d be a hoot to have Spike come and talk to the class, he’d probably have a way different perspective since he’d lived through it. A personal view of history instead of a facts list. I tried to imagine his bad-boy self, leaning against the battered teacher’s desk, telling stories about the chaos that reigned after V-E day. His tales would probably all end with “and then we ate the bloke.” I snickered, thinking of all the shocked looks he’d get.

 

“Find something funny about the civil war in Greece, Miss Summers?”

 

What?

 

“Uh, no sir, sorry.”  I cringed as every eye in the over filled classroom bored into me.  I poised my pencil back over my paper, trying to at least look like I was ready to listen.

 

The teacher went back to droning in a monotone.

 

Still half an hour to go. I started doodling.

 

****

 

At lunch, I propped my purloined library book up so I could rifle through the pages while I ate. If I hunched over a bit it also blocked my view of Xander and Ampata being a cutesy, flirty couple. I was glad for Xander, because he deserved to be happy, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be tuned into the love bird show.

 

The pictures in the book were awfully depressing. Stark black and white images of streets crowded with horse drawn carts, everyone wearing hats and frowning. Portraits were posed, everyone stiff and unsmiling. The clothing looked majorly uncomfortable. I looked down at my shorts and crop top, then back up to the picture of a woman draped in a ball gown. Those yards and yards of fabric had to be heavy, and what did you do if you had to itch your leg?

 

Willow leaned over, French fry in hand. “What ‘cha doing?”

 

“Looking for inspiration for a Halloween costume.” I replied, surprised at how easily the lie rolled off my tongue.

 

Willow made a face. “You’re not going to make me dress up in frumpy old clothes, are you?”

 

“This coming from the girl that’s going to a dance wearing an Eskimo outfit?” I countered. Frumpy? Not the word I would use for how Spike had looked in the Victorian clothes my, well Dru’s, wacky brain had dressed him up in. My opinion on the matter might be slightly skewed, since he hadn’t exactly been acting the stuffy gentleman. I sighed, butterflies coming to life as I remembered him crawling up my body.

 

“Earth to Buffy!” Willow had both eyebrows raised and was waving a hand in front of my face.

 

“Uh, sorry. I’m kind of out of it today.”

 

“You’ve been out of it a lot lately.” She didn’t look mad, just concerned.

 

“Lots of Slayer weirdness.” That was the truth, at least. Willow nodded sagely, accepting the fact that my life tended to be a big ball of strange. I nabbed my own French fry, dipping it in ranch, and nibbled as I hunkered further down behind the book. I gestured with my free hand for Willow to lean over closer.

 

“Can I ask you something?” I whispered. She nodded, wide eyed. I glanced around, checking to make sure no one was eavesdropping on us. I lowered my voice still further. “What’s it called, on a guy, when they have the hair leading down from to their navel to, uh, other parts?”

 

Willow’s mouth formed a little ‘o’ of shock. “You mean a treasure trail?”

 

“That’s it! I totally couldn’t remember last night.” Then I clamped my mouth closed, before anything else incriminating could fall out of it.

 

“Buffy!” Willow was grinning ear to ear. I was blushing so hard I probably matched her hair. “You saw Angel’s . . .”

 

My big mouth almost contradicted her, but I caught it in time - because if I said it wasn’t Angel, her next question would be super uncomfortable. I dodged around answering instead. “Shirt off, but pants stayed on. There might have been feelage of said treasure trail.”

 

Willow let out a little whoop at her vicarious thrill.

 

“What are you two up to?” Xander asked, eyeing the cover of my book. “I can’t imagine Victorian England being that exciting.”

 

We both straightened up, looking guilty.

 

“Nothing,” Willow said, her lips twitching. “We were just discussing Halloween costumes. Buffy might be a pirate wench, since she’s been looking for buried treasure lately.” She gave me a conspiratorial wink that was the opposite of subtle.

 

I groaned and slid back down in my seat.

 

****

 

After lunch, it was time for me to try and not fall asleep in Algebra.  I was seriously thinking I might be stuck in summer school retaking it. Math and me are pretty unmixy things, especially when you start adding the alphabet in.

 

It was not very Slayerish of me, but as my teacher stood by the overhead trying to explai n- well, whatever it was she was trying to explain - I mostly sat there and came up with creative ways for her to die. A sudden hellhound attack was my favorite, because that meant school would be closed for at least several days. I even imagined Spike whirling into the room and snapping her neck, laying the body at my feet like an offering. There’s no way he’d eat her, the old bat. When I started in on fantasizing about using my own fangs to rip her throat out, I put the mental brakes on. Way too far down the vampire rabbit hole. I couldn’t even jokingly think things like that, the lines were blurred enough as they were.

 

To distract myself, I wrote the initial problem out over and over again, until I had it memorized, but it didn’t make any more sense than the first time.

 

****

 

Perched on the table in library, I tried to lay out my “Slayer Dream” for Giles, while he hemmed and hawed and made notes.  Xander sat in one of the chairs, leaning back and trying to balance a pencil on one finger. Ampata was at some meeting for the exchange students, my mom was supposed to pick her up later in the evening.

 

“The mixing of your everyday reality with events that may not have happened yet, as well as ones that may already have, is fascinating.” He paused, massaging his forehead with one hand. “The whole thing may be colored by your recent museum trip, just because you saw images draped in Incan trappings does not necessarily indicate that the events have anything to do with that culture.” He looked up at me, eyes narrowing behind his glasses. “There’s the repeated image of being trapped in a small space. Do you have any insight into that?”

 

The factory room I’d been stuck in for nearly a week came to mind, but nothing in my Slayer related life. I shrugged. “Can’t a body stuffed in a chest sometimes just be a body stuffed in a chest?” Giles harrumphed, which I guessed meant, no - it couldn’t.

 

“I want to know more about this kiss then dust thing,” Xander said. He leaned back forward and pointed a finger at me. “I don’t suppose you’ve tried out this theory on Dead Boy yet, have you?”

 

I was saved from answering by Willow running into the library. “Rodney’s missing,” she panted.

 

Xander leapt up, grabbing her by the shoulders.  “Willow! Has Buffy been kissing the undead recently?”

 

“What?” her eyes skittered to me. I just shook my head.

 

“Trouble with Mr. Munson again?” Giles asked, choosing to ignore any mention of his Slayer’s personal life. He’d probably keel over dead if he had any idea what I’d really been doing lately.

 

With a gulp Willow refocused and explained how the Rodney the jerk had never returned home after the field trip. I couldn’t even remember him being on the bus back. Resigned that on the hellmouth the reason for his disappearance was probably not anything mundane, we piled into Giles’ car and headed back to the museum.

 

I called shotgun so I could dash off a note to Dru without anyone else seeing.

 

_Dru,_

_One of the students from the school is missing. You’re on the way to try and figure out why. Ampata seems nice, let Xander have his fun. We have rotten milk because we’re too lazy to throw it out. I feel kind of weird about it, but sure you can ask my mom for cooking lessons. It’ll make her happy. You can dress however you want for the party._

_I had a vision last night. How do you know what they mean? There was a jungle, and a dead body in a chest, and another in a bathroom. A girl kissed a boy and he exploded into dust. Does any of this ring any bells for you? I can’t figure it out!! Help!_

_-xoxoxo Buffy_

 

 

****

 

I was sitting on the wooden seat of the world’s most uncomfortable chair, it was pulled up to the table in the main room of the factory, and I was surrounded by vampires. My still slightly squicky from the transition stomach rolled again as I braced for a fight, before I remembered, hey - I’m a vampire too. A very hungry vampire. My middle had settled on painfully empty.

 

I was dressed in some ivory lace concoction, which made my too white hands look more pale than normal. Dalton was sitting across from me, in vamp face, watching Spike with rapt attention. Dru’s demon seemed lethargic and entirely uninterested in what was going on, and I didn’t risk giving it a mental poke, even though every other vampire seemed to be in full fang face mode. Spike included. 

 

He was dressed in his usual uniform of black on black, the leather duster swooshing as he paced next to the table. I tuned into what he was saying, the words slightly slurred around his mouthful of sharp teeth.

 

“Be on your guard, you stupid gits, the Slayer isn’t going to give you any quarter. She’ll put a stake through your bloody unbeating hearts as easily as blinking. Stay away if possible, you’re not going to win. When the time come I will take care of the bitch, you sods got that? Me. This little slut of a Slayer is much stronger-“

 

I stopped listening. Tears were threatening, and I needed to get out of there before I cried in front of a room full of vicious killers, or punched Spike in the nose for calling me a slut. I knew it was all talk, his Slayer obsession coming out in full force, but it didn’t mean I wanted to hear him bad mouth me. I also felt weirdly jealous. Of myself. This just wasn’t going to work.

 

I couldn’t be completely sure my legs would get me back to the bedroom, but I was willing to risk it. With a little grunt of effort, I stood and stiffly began walking towards the steps leading down and away from the old factory floor. Behind me, Spike didn’t even pause for a second in his tirade against me. I wondered if even noticed that I’d left. I wondered why I cared if he noticed.

 

Determined not to collapse into an undignified heap, I concentrated solely on placing one foot in front of the other. So I was at the door to my room before I registered the sound of someone moving behind me. I smiled. I guess he’d noticed after all.  I turned, leaning against the closed door, but my smile faltered when I saw Dalton standing there instead of Spike.

 

“What do you want?” I said flatly.

 

Still in his demon face, Dalton was shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

 

“You don’t look well, Mistress Drusilla. I wanted to make sure you made it back to your room with no trouble. I’ll be going now.” He turned to leave.

 

“No wait, Dalton, stay for a minute. I- I need your help.” I also didn’t want to be alone, but I was guessing vampires didn’t say things like that to other vampires.

 

To my surprise Dalton beamed at me, his demon face melting away to the human one underneath. “Gladly, mistress, whatever you need.” He reminded me of an over eager golden retriever puppy, desperate to please. He was one strange vampire.

 

I opened the door and walked in, shifting my shoulders back. This was my space, and I was in charge. Except that standing upright was getting to be a chore, so I sank down to sit on the end of the bed.

 

“Can you feed Lorenzo?” I asked. “The parrot,” I elaborated when he gave me a blank look. “Stuffs on the floor there by the cage.”

 

“Of course, I used to own a bird. A long time ago.” His face closed off, and I assumed that by ‘a long time ago’ he actually meant ‘when I was still alive.’

 

“Thank you. I need to get him some more things to do, it’s not really good for him to be alone in there, day after day, with nothing to occupy his time.”

 

Dalton was efficiently carrying out the chores of filling the food, getting fresh water, and changing the paper with no instructions. When he was done, he gently petted Lorenzo’s feathers through the bars with one finger.

 

“I could make him some things, Mistress. I would be glad to.” He cooed at the bird.

 

I stood back up, walking over to him so I could thank him for his help. I laid one hand gently on his forearm, and was unexpectedly looking at a different time and place.

 

****

 

_It was a small apartment lined with bookshelves. A type writer sat on a desk with a pile of papers resting next to it. In one corner a large cage housed a sleeping grey bird. It was night, and I could smell a city I couldn’t see beyond the curtains of the window._

_Behind me the door banged open and Dalton barreled into the room. He was vamped out, his clothes torn and dirty. Wild yellow eyes skittered around the room, and with a roar he overturned the couch. The other furniture followed, splintering under his rage. He tore the books from the shelves, mangled the typewriter, smashed the pictures hanging on the walls. One, that had sat next to the typewriter, made him pause. It was a dark haired man, studiously dressed and sporting a thin mustache. For a long moment Dalton stared at the picture, then he bellowed and smashed it into the wall. He grabbed the photo from the broken remains of the frame and tore it to shreds, but not before I saw the scrawl on the back. “Love, Arthur.”_

_My insides knotted when the squawking of the big grey parrot drew Dalton’s attention.  With a hiss he pulled open the cage, grabbing the bird with both hands. It struggled until the vampire ripped it in two. Dalton licked the blood from his hands, then strode back out the apartment’s door, not even bothering to close it._

 

****

 

I gasped and was back in the factory, Dalton’s thin hands on my arms guiding me to sit back on the bed. He knelt in front of me.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked, brow lined with confusion.

 

“Crazy brain doing its thing,” I circled my finger at my temple and rolled my eyes. At least this one didn’t involve a crushing migraine. “I’m fine.” I said, when Dalton didn’t move. “And, I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?”

 

“I saw some things. Stuff about you that you probably don’t want anyone to know. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

 

“I know.” He looked down at his scuffed shoes.

 

“I won’t breathe a word of it,” I paused as his shoulders relaxed. “On one condition.” Dalton tensed back up. “What kind of teacher were you?”

 

He stood up, obviously taken aback by my question. “I was a history professor.”

 

Well, didn’t that just beat all, the past seemed to be everywhere today. “How are you at algebra?”

 

“Not bad, better at languages.”

 

I scooted around the bed to my nightstand, pulling open the draw and digging around till I found some loose paper and a ballpoint. I quickly sketched out the math problem from my class that I had completely not understood, and held it out to Dalton. “Can you teach me how this one works?”

 

He took it warily, looked at it, scrunched up his brow again, and then nodded. I cleared some space on the nightstand as he squatted down in front of it, smoothing the paper out.

 

“As always, you start with the operations inside the parentheses . . .”

 

****

 

Dalton had proved to be a skilled teacher. He’d seen when I was struggling with his explanation, and found another way to describe what he was doing.  After running me through the problem I’d written out, he’d made up a couple more for me to practice with, and turned the tv on before leaving. Dru really must be off her rocker, because the studious little vampire hadn’t even blinked when I handed him a math problem out of the blue.

 

I glanced over at Drusilla’s dolls, all lined up on the dresser, their glass eye gleaming in the glow from the television set. They were so creepy. I wondered if she’d mind if I packed them away, where all those eyes wouldn’t be staring at me. I was curled up under the quilt. The blanket did nothing to make me warmer, but it felt homey.

 

Spike breezed in sometime after midnight, his vamp face reverting to its human guise as he smiled at me. The coat went on the peg, the boots under the bed. This whole thing was starting to feel very normal, and comfortable. I couldn’t help but smile back.

 

“There’s my little pumpkin!” He sat down next to me, and I held the edge of the quilt up so he could worm under it and snuggle up against my side. I wanted to be angry with him, but it was impossible when he wrapped an arm around me and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “So, what are we watching?”

 

“M*A*S*H marathon, and don’t even _think_ about changing it.” I rested my head on his shoulder, and stretched a leg out along his.

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it. So is Trapper still there, or is it Hunnicut yet?”

 

“Still Trapper.”

 

“Cheers to that then, like ‘em both but there’s just something about the first couple of seasons that hits me just right.” Spike massaged my shoulder with his fingers, making me purr a little. It still felt like a weird thing to do, but it was a handy shortcut for showing I was happy about something.

 

“Hunnicut is better looking,” I said, just to annoy him.

 

“The wanker,” he said, but without any force behind the words. “And you’re wrong. Trapper’s got all those curls, gives him a boyish charm the ladies adore.”

 

I reached up and tousled my vampire’s hair out of its gel, then looked at him appraisingly. “I guess you’re right.” I finally conceded with a pout.

 

“Can you put that in writing, pet? Maybe get it framed and hang it over the door?”

 

“Shush,” I said, settling down against him. “Show’s back on.”

 

After the first episode, Spike started making jokes and quips at the show, which quickly had me in stitches. With a little prodding I came up with a few of my own, which seemed to please him to no end. I even let him steal a few kisses during the commercials.

 

****

 

_Dear Buffy,_

_The visions are what they are. I can’t tell you what one could be trying to communicate. Sometimes the pieces fit, and sometimes they don’t. You’ll learn._

_Ampata’s luggage got delayed, so I’ve loaned her a few things. It should be here tomorrow. At the museum we found that the missing boy had been killed, the life sucked out of him to leave him a desiccated husk. The protective seal had been broken, and the mummy has risen. I shudder at the fate of this Incan girl, to be left alive but useless for so many years. Do you deal with such strange occurrences often?_

_Love, Drusilla_

 

Often? Try continuously. Watching a sitcom from the 70s while curled up next to a soulless vampire in _your body_ , Dru, was the most normal thing I’d done in a while. I felt a tiny twinge of guilt that I’d left Drusilla to deal with a mummy that’d gone all murderous walkabout, but Dru was a big girl and she should be fine. Should be.

 

I’d better hurry and see if Giles had found out anything more, maybe I could deal with this newest baddie before sundown.


	9. Breakfast

everything's all wrong

             -Goo Goo Dolls, “Sympathy”

_Thursday, October 2, 1997_

Part way through the day, I realized that being the Slayer was going to yet again ruin my, or more exactly Drusilla’s, social life. Crummy. Part of me had hoped that everything would magically wrap up before sunset and I could still get Cinderella to the ball, but no such luck. I was a pumpkin by two in the afternoon. Stupid freaking mummy.

 

I did get a class A freak-out moment when a body was discovered in the school bathroom, almost like my vision. Only in my version the body had just been dead, while the real one had been dried out like the kid at the museum. Again, I felt all the pieces of the vision trying to fit together, but any actual meaning kept slipping away from me.

 

By the end of the day I was exhausted, but the hunt was just shifting into high gear. Drusilla was in for it tonight. I wrote Dru’s note in the extra notebook in my pocket while no one was looking.

 

_Hi Dru,_

_I deal with this kind of crud all the time. Welcome to the Hellmouth. I think my vision must have had to do with the mummy, there was the corpse of a man found dead and dried out in the school’s bathroom. So grody - I’m glad vampires just suck blood._

_I haven’t seen one yet, but be on the lookout for a chest you could hide a body in. In case you haven’t realized it yet, no dance for you. If it makes you feel better, I don’t get to go either. It’s a shame because I really wanted to see Willow in her Eskimo outfit. You get to hang out with Giles and hunt the mummy. Fun times._

_Good Luck, Buffy_

It felt really off, me going to play snuggle bunnies with her boyfriend while she traipsed around Sunnydale looking for a monster that sucked out people’s life force, but I trusted her. She might be different, but in my body she did the duty same as I did. It was something I could respect.

****

 

I went from standing in the school library with a stake in my hand to being seated at the vanity in the factory, Spike languidly dragging the brush through my hair. I wiggled on the bench and let out a little moan of pleasure. It wasn’t fair that he was so damn good with the thing. It was like some sort of evil superpower.

 

He lowered his mouth so it was next to my ear. “Hullo, luv. I’ve got a present for you.”

 

“A prezzie?” I shrieked, making Spike wince. Too bad for him, I was excited.

 

“Oi, watch it with the dog whistle, yeah?” He bit the back of my neck with blunt teeth, making me shiver.

“Gimme!” I said, in a slightly less shrill voice. I loved gifts, but I could never be patient about them. Never ever. I squirmed on the bench with anticipation, Spike’s grip on my neck preventing me from turning.

 

I shrieked again when he wrapped his arms around me, let go of my nape, and pulled me backwards off the bench. Once I was standing he took my shoulders and turned me around.

 

A broken-in looking leather chair with a matching ottoman had been placed in one corner of the room. There was a lamp on a side table, and neat stack of books with _The Outsiders_ laying on top.

 

“Found it when we were looking for a fridge, thought you might like a better place than the bed to sit when you’re reading.” Spike was nervously shuffling his feet, while one of his hands rubbed the back of his neck. It was so freaking adorable. He’d wanted to please me, but wasn’t sure I’d be happy with it.

 

I wasn’t just happy; I was completely ecstatic.

 

I squealed, throwing my arms around him for a hug. “I love it, I love it, I love it!” I said to his chest, my head tucked under his jaw. I could feel him smile, and he let out a breath in relief.

 

I pulled back, looking up at his now smug face. “Thank you!”

 

“Go on,” he said, pushing me towards the chair. I walked over as quick as I dared, and slipped down onto the welcoming leather. It felt like it'd been mine for years. I sighed with pleasure. With a grin, Spike opened the door on the side table and pulled out a multicolored striped afghan. With a flourish he spread it over me.  “There now, poodle, all set.” I nodded, looking at the pile of books next to me. “I need to head out then, got some stuff to do.”

 

I managed to not roll my eyes. Of course he did. Probably Slayer related, the jerk.

 

“Feed the bird first, and flip the TV on.” I said from my throne. Hey, I’m a princess, right?

 

 

****

 

Several hours later I was curled in the chair listening to whatever bandstand music was on PBS and reviewing the Pride and Prejudice chapters my class would be discussing tomorrow when Spike burst back through the door, startling me. I could smell blood on him again, and it made my extremely empty stomach lurch painfully. The stupid jerk.

 

I thought he might be drunk again too, for the second night this week. How super exciting. 

 

He stumbled against the wall as he took his boots off, then just dropped his coat on the floor. His eyes were bright, and he looked something akin to flushed. He nearly tripped on the way over to stand next to my chair. It made me want to giggle, but I suppressed it, not wanting to reward his bad behavior. He had another thing coming if he thought he’d be able to return home to me like this all the time.

 

I looked up at him, making my eyes hard and pursing my lips into a thin line. “So nice to see you.”

 

“Oh, don’t be like that, pet.” He rumbled. Damn it, butterflies, not now. I was trying to be angry.  Apparently catching on to the fact I had butterfly wingage, Spike smirked at me, curling his tongue in _that_ way behind his teeth. Egads. His hands played with the hem of his black shirt for a moment, then he yanked it off over his head, chucking it into a corner. Most of my conscious mind packed up and went on vacay at that moment. I hoped I wasn’t drooling.

 

He put one finger under my chin, tilting my face up to his. The bastard still had that sexy smirk firmly in place. “Princess needs to eat.” He was using that husky tone of voice that did strange things to me, and - Oh god-  those better be the demon’s ideas as to what I could be eating. I whimpered and my eyes involuntarily slid back down his body. Spike chuckled, and even that sounded hot. I was so busy getting an eyeful of his torso as he bent, that I completely missed what his hands were doing until he scooped me out of the chair and against the chest that I’d just been ogling. 

 

He carried me to the bed, arranging me gently against the headboard before crawling in next to me. “You have to eat. You look like hell, Dru.”

 

“Aren’t you charming,” I snarked at him, unaccountably hurt by his words. I turned my face away. Didn’t he like the whole goth chick look? It shouldn’t matter if I was extra pale. “You really know what to say to a girl.” I pouted.

 

There was a frustrated sigh from beside me. “Women,” he snorted.  When I didn’t move he brought a hand to my cheek. “I’m sorry, poodle. I didn’t mean you’d turned into a hideous old bag.”

 

“Well, that’s a relief.”

 

“Look, it’s going to take a day or two more for the boys to get what you want in place, and you have to eat. So I’m going to be sorry for this too, but you have to.” His hand left my face, and I heard a click, then something cold and hard pressed against the side of my face furthest from him. It scrapped against my skin, and I turned away from the pain, towards Spike.

 

Slowly, he dragged what I could now see was the blade of a wicked looking pocket knife over my cheek, then my lips, never actually breaking the skin. Dru’s demon was so excited it was practically chasing its own tail, and I was trembling like a leaf. Spike had a smug expression on his face, obviously completely aware of how much he was affecting me. For one second I thought maybe I should be scared, but it dissipated almost as soon as it formed. If there was one thing I knew for sure, Drusilla was safe when she was with him.

 

The tip of the blade caught in the corner of my mouth, and I darted the end of my tongue out to press against it.  Spike’s eyes widened, and his own lips parted as he hissed in a breath. For the first time since I’d been in Dru’s body, I felt powerful. Oh yeah, the scary vampire was shaking he wanted me so bad.

 

“You’re magnificent,” he breathed. _Of course I was!_ “Now feed.” Spike flipped the knife in his hand and drew it with a jerky motion over the side of his neck. Dark red blood welled up and out of the cut, the scent sharp and spicy.  I found myself in the backseat as the demon surged forward, my fangs erupting from my gums as I pounced on Spike. I held his head to the side with one hand, the other pinning his chest, as I bit down into his neck with a growl. Blood flooded my mouth and flowed down my greedy throat.

 

It was good. It was life.

 

Spike moaned and writhed underneath me. I threw one of my legs over his to keep him still, and nearly lost my grip on his neck as an electrical jolt traveled up my body from where his thigh was rubbing against me. I mewed against his neck, lapping the blood as fast as I could and wriggling my lower half in a desperate need I barely understood. Spike intertwined his fingers with those of my hand on his chest, and tugged me so my palm was laying over his own arousal. Then he let go and bunched up my skirt, bringing his fingers against bare flesh.

 

My demon, and it had to be the demon as I sure as hell had no clue what I was doing, gave me a better idea than just rubbing denim.  I undid Spikes jeans and reached inside. Yup, defiantly a better idea.

 

****

 

 After too short a time, the flow of blood had decreased to a trickle, the bite wound I’d made now nearly healed. I lapped lazily at it, more out of reflex than necessity now. My middle was full, and I was purring with contentment. Spike kept running one hand over my face and through my hair, murmuring that I was such a good girl for eating. His other hand was still trapped between my legs, as I was somewhat reluctant to let him have it back.  He really, really knew what to do with those fingers.

 

I’d so finally gotten past first base. Before now, there’d only been my hand, fumbling around in the dark under the sheets. I’d not really known what I was doing, and it’s not like as a girl there was someone to ask. Guys seemed to talk about masturbating the same way they did cars, but with girls it was taboo. Touching yourself was something bad girls did, and health class didn’t even begin to discuss the subject. Now I knew what I’d been missing. At one point I’m pretty sure my eyes had rolled back into my head, and there’d definitely been fireworks, a couple of times. Yay! Go me!

 

Spike’s verbal ramblings finally let off as he settled more firmly against me, and his own chest started rumbling. I nabbed the last drops of blood with the tip of my tongue, sighing with contentment. My demon was well satisfied, and I didn’t even try to make it recede. I rubbed the ridges of my vampiric face against my lover’s shoulder. Snuggling tightly against him as his arm wrapped around me, I let my eyes drop closed.

 

I was safe, comfortable, full, satisfied, and loved. I needed nothing else in the world. I was complete.

 

****

 

When my eyes snapped open, everything was way different. I felt cold, empty, and alone. I swung my arm out, instinctively searching for Spike. He’d make everything better. We must have rolled apart while sleeping. My arm met only empty air. Totally empty, not even bedding or mattress. There was also something different about the ceiling. “Spike?” I called, then cringed at the very American sounding way I’d said his name. Of course, I was back in my regular body. 

 

“Buffy!” My mom yelled from downstairs. “Breakfast is ready!”

 

“I’ll be right there!” I hollered back, sitting up in bed. I was laying on top of the covers, already dressed for the day thanks to Dru. I grabbed a jacket, slipping my arms hurriedly into the sleeves. That would take care of cold. Breakfast would take care of empty, and getting to school would take care of alone. My life would be fine in just a minute, and I would stop feeling quite so lost.

 

Dru’s note was all about the mummy and how she, and the Scoobies, had managed to stop it.

 

_Hello Buffy!_

_I hope your night was pleasant. While I was sad to not go to the dance, it was worth it to defeat our enemy. It turned out that the girl we knew as Ampata was in truth the mummy. The trunk in your vision was hers, and we found the earthly remains of the actual Ampata inside. Do not worry, Giles has arranged for its removal upon the morrow and cremation of the body inside, the ashes to be returned to the family. I told Mom that Ampata had been called home due to an emergency, and had flown out immediately. I hope all this subterfuge does not present a problem for you._

_At this minute there are no other crises that need attention. Have a good day at school. Will you suggest an excursion to The Bronze for tonight to Willow and Xander? I would join them after patrol, of course._

_Love, Drusilla_

 

I tried to work up some jealousy over the fact that she’d gotten to be the big hero, but it just wasn’t in me. I’d done so much hero-ing in my life that it was impossible to worry about not being the one to actually end the baddie. I was more envious over her going to The Bronze, as I hadn’t been there in more than a week.

 

Had she seen Angel again? She’d warned my away from him, but since he was her sire and that meant some freaky connection stuff, I really didn’t think she’d take her own advice.  However, the Barbies remained in their box under the bed, and what she was writing to me made sense, so I was guessing it was a negative on her actually having seen him. For the hundredth time, I wished she and I could just sit down and talk stuff out, it’d sure make this switching thing a lot easier.

 

Closing the notebook, I tossed it down on the vanity, then headed down to breakfast. The TV in the living room was on. My mom stood staring at it, worry lines on her forehead.

 

“You should see this, Buffy.” She waved me over.  ‘Missing Teen Found Murdered!’ the local news headline screamed.  The image changed from the studio announcer to a picture of a girl I vaguely recognized from English class. Another victim of the mummy, I guessed.  “Do you know her?” Mom asked.

 

“Not well, I have a class with her.” I wondered that if it’d been me in my body instead of Dru, I would have been able to figure things out sooner and maybe could have prevented this. The first rumblings of guilt gnawed at my insides.

 

On the TV, the scene shifted to video of police cars parked in front of an alley, lights flashing. A field reporter picked up the story. “The victim was found to have been dumped here about an hour ago. Police are continuing to look for clues. So far, all we can report is that this is not the scene of the crime. A spokesman for the police has informed media that the wounds on the victim suggest a large amount of blood would have been lost, but that none was found here in the vicinity of the body.”

 

I froze, the memory of Spike coming in the door, full up with blood to feed me with, rolled through my head. I’d never once stopped and thought where that blood had come from. It had never even crossed my mind. My vision started to gray out around the edges and I swayed on my feet.

 

Mom grabbed my arm. “Are you okay, honey?”

 

 I looked at her dumbly. I was so not okay. I had drunk that girl’s blood, and I had given her murderer a freaking hand job while I was doing it. I had let him touch me, I had gotten off on it, while the blood of an innocent had dripped down my throat.

 

I was a monster.

 

“I need to get to school,” I said from between numb lips. I shouldered my backpack, gripping the straps tightly to keep my hands from shaking.

 

“What about breakfast?” My Mom asked, brushing my arm again. I flinched away; she shouldn’t be touching something like me. Something evil.

 

“Not hungry.” I mumbled as I flew out the door.

 

I managed to make it about halfway to school before I puked.


	10. October

You live with all your faults

       -Goo Goo Dolls, "Slide"

_Friday October 3, 1997_

Shame, thick and dark and oily wove through me.  Bile coated my mouth. I’d had to stop and toss cookies three times before I even made it to the front of the school. I was bad, wrong, evil, a monster. I’d become everything I stood against. I couldn’t even tell myself there was a higher purpose to it anymore. I wasn’t gathering intel, or learning secret plans, or doing anything really. I was running away from being the Slayer. A little corner of my brain piped in with the fact I was being a big perv about it too. It was kind of getting difficult for me to keep saying I was doing the touchy feely stuff only because I was trying to keep Dru’s boyfriend from getting mad at her.

Only now I was in so deep I didn’t know how to get back out. I was such a hopeless freak.

Once inside the school, I immediately gave up on going to class. Instead I opted for the library. I sat at the table, legs stretched out, arms crossed, staring at the wooden surface.

“Hello Buffy, is everything alright?” Giles asked when he exited his office and saw me sitting there. He made a point out of glancing at the clock, but thankfully he didn’t try to send me on to class.

“Everything’s fine,” I mumbled, returning to my contemplation of the various scratches that marred the table top. There was one long scrape so deep it would never buff out. I wondered what had caused it, and if anyone at all remembered the reason it was there anymore.

“Well, I’m just going to get a cup of coffee. When you’re ready to talk I’ll be in my office.” I ignored him as he left, when he came back in, and the half a dozen other times he found an excuse to get into my line of sight during the next forty minutes.

My brain was stuck on the instant replay of last night’s events. The images were there whether my eyes were open or closed. I wondered if I should search out Drusilla while she was doing her Slayer stuff tomorrow. I could even ask her to meet me. Maybe she’d be down for dusting me in her body- then she could remain the Slayer for ever and ever while I’d be so much dust in the wind.

Bad, evil, _wrong_ dust.

The bell finally rang, and a few minutes later Willow walked into the library, doing a double take on seeing me already there. She dumped her bag on the table, covering up the scratches I’d been pondering.

“Hello Willow, how was first period?” Giles asked, exiting his office. I felt like that statement was directed more at me than her, a guilt trip for skipping. I couldn’t even muster up a glare of annoyance.

“Same old, same old.” She put her hand out towards my arm and I flinched away.  “Is this about that girl on the news, Buffy? Do you think it’s a vampire?”

I nodded. “I’m sure it’s our latest big bad.”

“What’s this?” Giles asked, coming to stand behind me.

“There was story on the news this morning,” Willow explained. “They were talking about a classmate of ours that was found without any blood. I’m thinking Buffy feels bad because she didn’t dust Spike when he attacked the school and now this girl, whose name I don’t remember, is dead.”

“That’s what you’ve been sitting here worrying about?” Giles sounded confused. “Why didn’t you just come to me and ask?” I made a non-committal noise.  “I already talked to my contact at the police department,” my Watcher continued. “The girl, Lacey is her first name by the way, was stabbed to death by a regular old knife. Nothing supernatural about her demise at all, I’m afraid.”

I let out a lungful of air I hadn’t even know I’d been holding and took a hiccuping breath that was followed by a sudden flood of tears. I swiped at them ineffectively with my hand. “Did your contact mention any other deaths lately that sounded suspicious?” I managed to ask, because, after all, that blood I drank had had to come from somewhere. Or more properly: someone. It shouldn’t matter if I knew the person or not, only it kind of did. I could at least deal with it better if it was some random stranger I didn’t feel directly responsible for protecting.

“Erm, well, yes, there was one other body found last night. That fact has not been disclosed to the media. I need you two to be very circumspect about this information.” Both me and Willow mimed locking our lips and tossing away the key. Giles gave us a pained, long suffering look. “Officers believe they may have found the man who murdered Lacey, stuffed in the trunk of a car a few blocks away. His throat was ripped out. It might be hard to prove he was the girl’s killer. The murder weapon is missing.”

Yup, it would be, I’d licked it last night. So Spike had killed a killer. I didn’t know how I felt about that. Was it okay-ish? Better than a complete innocent? How could I even make that call? What would I have done if I’d come upon this guy actually stabbing Lacey? Would I even of hesitated to put a stake through him?

Probably not.

I just wouldn’t have eaten him. I guess that makes me better. Also, I would have been doing it for justice and to defend others, not because I needed dinner.

My head was throbbing with all the thinky.

When Giles was done talking Willow reached out to touch my shoulder again, and this time I didn’t move away. “Do you need to talk about something else? You still look awfully down, and hey, I can be all with the listening.”

“Yeah,” I answered. “But not here.” I looked to where Giles was sorting through a pile of dusty books.

“Little girls’ room?” She said, both eyebrows raised. I nodded.

****

As soon as we were in the bathroom Willow checked the stalls to make sure they were empty. Once she was certain we were alone she grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little, looking wide eyed at me. “Dish, Buffy. Something is so up with you.”

I quirked my lips over to the side.

“Is it a good up or a bad up?” Willow propped herself against one of the sinks.

“Both.” I managed to get out. Embarrassment was making my cheeks burn. I had my arms crossed with my hands in white knuckled grips on my elbows.

Willow finally caught on to why I was nervous, and her jaw dropped. “You didn’t!” She shrieked.

“No, no, uh- not all the way, anyway.”

“Tell me!” Her face was glowing with excitement. It was good to be the one in the know for once, it made me feel all worldly.  It was like being the first one out of your group of friends to get your period.  I was the experienced woman. Sort of.

“I gave him a hand job.” I said breathlessly.  

Willow gave another shriek, “Really?”

“Really, really. And that’s not even the best part.” I leaned forward, and Willow did too. “While I was doing him, he had his hand up under my skirt doing me, and he totally knew how to make it good.” I sighed, and so did my bestie. She was staring all dreamily off into the distance.

“I’m never going to be able to look at Angel ever again.” She giggled. “I’ll just be thinking about his talented hands.”

“O my god- no! Willow!” Her mentioning Angel had made this slightly less fun. I knew that’s who she’d be believing I was talking about, but hearing his name made me feel bad.  For a while now I’d been thinking Angel would be the guy I’d be doing this kind of stuff with. At least, until this last week, when the world had flipped on its head and I’d turned all crazy lusty after a different vampire.

An evil one. With magic hands. Who didn’t even know it was me feeling his touch.

“Details, Buffy, or I’ll totally tell Giles you got all hands-y with Angel.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I so would!”

“Blackmailer!” I gasped. She really didn’t know how much, not that I believed even for a second that she would actually say anything to anyone, no matter if I told her anything or not.

“Yup. That’s me. I’m hardcore mean now.”

“I know when I’m defeated.” I motioned her to lean in close again, and then I dished.  All the while thinking about how, when nightfall came, I really didn’t want to have to deal with Spike. Everything was just too strange right now.

****

Turns out I hadn’t needed to worry; I woke up alone. Spike’s duster was gone, and since I felt way better I was able to get up, get myself dressed, feed Lorenzo, and turn on the TV. I was pretty bored after an hour, but since I didn’t want to read I had no good idea what I should do with myself.

I was contemplating furniture rearrangement and making a mental note to ask Dru about the stupid dolls when there was a scratch at the door. I smiled, glad for the interruption. I eagerly walked over and swung the door open. “Dalton!” I exclaimed, “Why don’t you knock like a normal person?”

He was looking at the wall instead of me, vamp face on. I had decided that it was hard for him to approach me without the courage his demon gave him. His subservience tended to make Dru’s demon preen, and I had to work not to give in and be a jerk to him.

“I d-d-don’t want to disturb you, if you’re r-r-resting,” he stammered out.

“Well, you’re not. I’m bored and I’m glad to see you. What have you got there?” He was carrying a loaded down duffle bag.

Dalton’s eyes finally met mine, and something resembling a smile turned the corners of his lips up. With the fangs it was a little off, but I really was happy to see him, so I didn’t say anything. He set the bag down and unzipped the top. “I hope you don’t mind, but I got some stuff for you. First this-“ he straightened up with what looked like a small tree branch in his hand. There were things hanging from it, colorful beads and pieces of wood tied together.

“For Lorenzo! You remembered!”

“Can’t leave him with nothing to do.” He handed me the branch and fished in the bag again, finally holding up a piece of bone banded by metal. “I got this out of the dumpster behind a pet store, it’s a cuttlefish bone for his beak.”

“What’s a cuddle-fish bone?” I asked, confused.

“Cuttlefish, with to t’s, not d’s.” Dalton’s demon face left him as he went into teacher mode, explaining to me more than I wanted to know about what a cuttlefish was and how the bone was good for Lorenzo. While he talked, we got the two things set up in the cage, and shared a laugh when the parrot immediately squawked and went after some of the beads, nearly hanging upside down off the branch to do so.

“Thank you,” I said. “He already looks much happier.”

Dalton smiled shyly at me, and again I was reminded of an overgrown puppy, looking for any kind of attention and praise it could get. Someday I’d have to ask him how the hell he’d survived as a vampire as long as he had.

“Do you . . .” He was looking at the wall again.

“Do I- what?” I prompted.

“Do you still want to learn stuff, math, and maybe some other things?” He was shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot.

“Sure,” I shrugged. “It beats being stuck in here all night.”

Looking relieved he took my elbow and steered me towards the door. “Let’s sit at the table, I can show you what I got.” I let him direct me out past the entrance, where he grabbed the duffel, then down the short hallway and up the stairs onto the main factory floor. Since I’d last been there a fridge along with a small table and a microwave had been set up in one corner. It was a big relief to see them, hopefully Spike wouldn’t be compelled to try “feeding” me again.

Dalton seated me in one of the chairs, then dumped the contents of the bag on the table. There were textbooks, pads of paper, pens and pencils, and even a sharpener.

“They’re a year or two out of date, and I didn’t know what you’d like Mistress, so I grabbed as many as I could.” His expression was open and eager.

I started sorting through the books. _Algebra I_ \- yes, _Economics of Finland_ \- nope. Where had he even found that one?

Truthfully, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with doing more school at night after being in class all day, but I really didn’t have anything better to do.  Dalton’s enthusiasm was also catching. I couldn’t help but grin as he did everything but cheer when I dropped a French text onto the ‘yes’ pile. It was good to have a friend here that wasn’t Spike.  That made me pause. Was Spike my friend? Did vampires even have friends?

I thought about Spike and I laughing together over the TV, and looked at Dalton’s excited face. Well, whether or not I was supposed to- this part time vampire totally had friends.

****

_Saturday October 4, 1997_

_Dear Buffy,_

_You were naughty with my William! While it is normal for a Childe to drink from its Sire, the other way around is not something I would permit my demon. Do not worry, you will learn to control your impulses._

_Nothing interesting on Patrol. The Bronze was fun._

_Love, Dru_

Oh, terrific. I was a deviant vampire. I hoped Spike wasn’t penning a letter to some kind of blood sucker version of Penthouse.

****

_Tuesday, October 7, 1997_

The days were starting to blend together. No more visions of any kind had shown up. Spike was busy with his Slayer plans, so usually I didn’t see him until he drug himself in near sunrise. Then all he did was collapse on to the bed into an exhausted sleep. I was actually glad we hadn’t been talking much. I still wasn’t really okay with what had happened, though it had stopped being something that plagued me every waking moment. What bothered me the most was the relief I’d felt when I’d found out that the blood had not been from Lacey, but from her murderer. However, I believed the guy had deserved to go to trial and jail, not to be slaughtered for a meal. Human life was a good thing. So why did my conscious give me a pass on this. It wasn’t right, but I couldn’t seem to be able to change how I felt.

 During the long nights Spike was busy, Dalton was a life saver; his tutoring was the only thing keeping me from dusting out of sheer boredom.

The non-talkiness between Spike and I was the reason it was a shock when I opened my eyes in the factory to see his grinning face. There was one hand running up and down my spine. He was sitting on my side of the bed, already dressed.

“Wake up poodle, I have a surprise for you.”

I made a grumpy sound over being bothered. He chuckled as he stood and held out a hand to me.  Sitting up, I allowed him to pull me up beside him. Thankfully, Dru was still wearing the black shirt to bed, so I wasn’t buck naked. With his help I stepped into a long black dress made out of silk, satin, or some other such fabric that clung to my body in all the right places. The neckline plunged in a way I was sure I couldn’t have pulled off in my regular body. Too bad I couldn’t see myself, I must have looked like Morticia Addams.

I’d turned my back to Spike to pull off the shirt and get my arms in the sleeves of the dress. Now he was doing up the myriad of tiny buttons in the back, and I couldn’t help but shiver from the brush of his fingers each time he fastened one. _Talented hands_ , my mind whispered.  I desperately tried to ignore the voice, and the hands.

When the last one was done, he settled his fingers on my hips and guided me over to the vanity. I gave up the fight and just let myself be lost to the sensation the second the brush touched my hair. Little moans and mews escaped my mouth, until Spike dropped the brush, fisted his hand in my hair and yanked my head back while he bent over me from behind. My toes curled as his lips met mine. I started making noises again when he gently sucked my bottom lip between his and bit down with blunt teeth. His nose grazed my chin as the kiss deepened. Our tongues wrapped around each other in lazy circles. When he let go and stood back up, I felt bereft. I turned around, watching him dazedly as he bent over and retrieved the fallen brush.

“Now, now kitten,” he said as I reached for him. He caught my hand and kissed it. “I’ve something all ready to show you. Other things will just have to wait for later.”  With a wicked smirk he turned my hand over and licked across my wrist. His wet tongue trailing over the sensitive skin made me gasp.  Chuckling warmly, Spike let go of my wrist and put both of his hands on the sides of my head to make me face forward again. He made quick work out of straightening the snarl he’d put into hair, and I was able to be quiet while he did it. Mostly.

When he was finished, he tied a strip of fabric over my eyes, then took my hands. Carefully, he led me out of the room.  At the stairs he put his strong arms around my waist and carried me up the few steps to the main factory floor. The blood smell that had been teasing my nose grew stronger, making Dru’s demon restless.

Spike stopped me, then whipped off the blindfold. My mouth hung open in shock. Arranged on the table were rows and rows of thermoses, each one neatly labeled with what kind of blood it contained. It ran the gamut from Aardvark to Zebra.

“Didn’t know which kind you would like, so I got a little of everything. I figured we could try ‘em and I’d keep your favorites in stock. What do you think, pet? Ready to give it a whirl?” He’d grabbed one of the clear plastic glasses that were arranged at the end of the table and was tapping it against his thigh.

“It’s not even my birthday!” I squealed, bouncing on the balls of my feet.

“Which end should we start with?” Spike asked, grinning.

Instead of answering I flew to where my vampire was standing and wrapped him in a big hug. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” I babbled while peppering his face with tiny kisses. He looked stunned.  After a moment his hands landed on my shoulders to still me. He leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re a wonder,” he breathed. My insides went all funny and gooey at his words, while my mind blanked. Instead of trying to find a response I let my demon out, feeling relief as my face shifted and fangs descended. Spike mirrored my actions, his eyes never leaving mine.

“Let’s be rebels and start with ‘z,’ because we’re all evil and stuff,” I suggested with a giggle. Spike threw his head back and laughed.

“That we are, princess, that we are.” He let me go to retrieve a second cup, put it in my hands, then proceeded to pour me a shot from the ‘zebra’ container.

“Cheers!” I said, tapping my glass to his.  Simultaneously, we tipped the cups up and drank, and then made twin grimaces of disgust.

“God, tastes like hay,” Spike grumbled.

“That’s already been eaten once.” I added.

“Next?” He asked, holding up ‘Yak.’

“Hit me,” I said, presenting him with a fresh cup to fill.

****

_Wednesday October 8, 1997_

_Dear Buffy,_

_Do you like French toast? It’s so good, and really easy to make. I only managed to flip one piece onto the floor._

****

_Hi Dru,_

_Warm, gooey French toast is awesome! Almost as good as cheetah blood. Can I put your dolls up? Also, I started my period today. I wrote directions on the next page about what you need to do._

****

_Thursday October 9, 1997_

_Dear Buffy,_

_Yes, you can put the dolls away. Please, be careful with them._

_Tampons  are weird. When I first got my period, it was expected that a young lady would remain in her bed all day, it was nice._

_Can I start a garden?_

****

I put the porcelain dolls and their creepy eyes neatly away in the drawers of the dresser. Spike spent a long time staring at the empty top of the bureau that night before crawling into the bed next to me. He put an arm around me and spooned up against my back. It felt . . . normal. Without realizing, I’d somehow and some-when forgiven him for the whole throat blood drinking thing. He’d only been doing his clumsy best to take care of me. I wasn’t really okay with it, but vampires drink blood, and he’d had no way to know I would wig out over it.

Spike pressed a kiss to the top of my head, then nuzzled into the mane of my hair. “I love you,” he whispered against the nape of my neck. My stomach dropped to the floor. I pretended to be asleep.

****

_Friday October 10, 1997_

_Hi Dru,_

_It’s kind of the wrong time of the year for gardening. Maybe you can grow something inside.  Ask Mom._

****

_Monday October 13, 1997_

I wasn’t surprised when my Mom walked into my room carrying a stack of gardening books and seed catalogs.

“I got these from one of the ladies at work. She said to start small and go from there, and she wrote her number down if you need to ask her anything.” My Mom leaned against my door, smiling, and shook her head. “You have your homework done, you’re learning to cook, and you’re developing an interest in a great hobby. Buffy, I’m really proud of how you’re doing.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I mumbled, embarrassed. Really only the homework finishing was mine. I looked at the page of neatly completed algebra. It hadn’t taken me very long, since I now knew what I was doing. I mostly ignored my awful math teacher at this point, and I didn’t even take notes. I just asked Dalton to cover it the next night since he’d actually explain the concepts in ways I could understand. I’d even gotten a 90% on my last math quiz.

“So”, she continued. “Will there be a nice young man for me to meet soon? At the rate you’re going, I’m expecting you to bring home a future lawyer or doctor any day now.”

The image of Spike with his leather duster, bleached hair, combat boots, and a cigarette jammed between those smirking lips of his, took up residence in my mind. Oh, and a vampire, couldn’t forget that part. Probably not who my mother had in mind. I blushed. “Uh, there isn't anyone right now, Mom. I’m trying to focus on school.”

“Of course.” I darted my eyes to the side, watching her narrow her gaze at me. She’d so seen me blush. “Well, you bring him home when you feel ready.” She walked off before I could reply.

Bring him home? That so wasn’t happening. Ever.

 

****

_Wednesday October 15, 1997_

“Again,” Dalton instructed, looking over his glasses at me.

I took a deep breath. “Je sais, tu sais, il sait, nous savon, vous savez, ils savent.”

“Excellent, now write it out.” He tapped the pad of paper in front of me.

I bent to the task, only grumbling a little. Verb conjugations were not my favorite. Spike walked by, accompanied by one of the minions. He glanced at us, frowned like he always did when I was studying, but he didn’t break either his stride or the tirade about security he was delivering to the frightened looking vampire at his side. I went back to conjugating.

Twenty minutes and three more irregular verbs later I was ready to call it quits. Enough with the French. I was never leaving Sunnydale, I’d never need to speak it in real life, and I’d only taken it because the school made me pick a language elective.

“Je fin,” I told my tutor.

“Mais non, ‘Je finis.’” He corrected. I growled at him, and Dalton chuckled.

“No really, I’m good on French for tonight.” I stood to stretch, and as I raised my arms over my head, pain lanced through my skull. I cried out as my knees gave way, and I would have hit the floor if Dalton hadn’t caught me. Then the images started.

****

_Night, dark, wind, fear. I was running, terrified. The monster was behind me. I wasn’t fast enough and it grabbed me. I screamed. My bracelet broke. I watched it slither off my wrist and fall to the grass. The monster crushing my wrist wore a human face. I watched, horrified as the skin stretched and peeled away, revealing a reptilian face underneath. It was gone, replaced with a chalkboard. Three symbols I vaguely recognized were drawn over and over again on the board. They were in neat lines, like someone had been punished by being forced to write them out. I reached up a ran a hand through them, smearing the chalk, the dust coated my fingers. The overhead light blinked off, then back on. Only now I was watching a man being handed a sword. He could help. He was a knight that slayed dragons. The man straightened up and I could see his face. It was Angel._

****

I came back to myself, my eyes trying to focus on Dalton’s frightened face. Both our heads snapped to the side to look when an enraged roar echoed across the factory floor.  Spike was beside us in a flash, ripping me away from Dalton and dropping me unceremoniously on top of the table. Pain throbbed in my skull, taking my vision in a white haze. 

“You bloody pillock, you think you can touch my woman?” Spike snarled. I struggled to sit up when I heard Dalton give a pained yelp following the unmistakable noise of a fist ramming into flesh.

Once I was upright the haze cleared. Spike was vamped out, fury radiating from him as he slammed his fist over and over into a cowering Dalton.

“Spike, stop!” I yelled. My own demon came forward in response to the anger. I leapt at Spike, grabbing his arm. He turned his head and snapped his fangs at me. Me insides did a little twist, because he looked magnificent. “Stop!” I hissed again. “I had a vision. Dalton just kept me from falling.”

Spike bellowed and tore his arm free. “He was touching you!” My vampire howled his frustration while continuing to land blows. I didn’t know how to stop him; he was stronger than me. “The wanker still wants you. Wants what’s mine!”

I caught his arm again. “No, he freaking doesn’t! He’s gay.” I glanced at Dalton, who had the one eye he was able to open trained on me. “I’m sorry,” I mouthed at him.

Spike straightened up, a confused look on his face. “Really?” I nodded and he looked back down at the vampire who was trembling like a leaf where he crouched on the floor. He toed Dalton with one boot. “You’re a poofter?”

Dalton nodded, either unable or unwilling to speak.

Turning back to me Spike reached up and tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.  I caught his hand with mine, rubbing my face into his palm like a cat.

“What did you see?” He asked me dreamily.

The demon told me what to say. I looked right into Spike’s wild gold eyes and breathlessly whispered, “Angel.”

Immediately, my lover’s anger, which had started to dissipate, cranked back up to eleven. He had both my wrists in iron grips, and was yanking me towards our lair. When I stumbled, he let go of my wrists and scooped my up in his arms. I giggled, pushing his coat back and sinking my fangs through his black shirt and into his shoulder.

I worried at the bite like a dog with a bone, making him snarl with pain. The sound made me burn, and I bucked against his iron hold on my body, trying to squirm one of my legs over his arm. I giggled again when he tossed me onto the bed. Quick as lightening Spike was on top of me, the weight of his body holding me down as I wiggled.

His mouth was hot and hungry on mine, our fangs clinking as we hissed and growled into each other’s mouth. In my desperation, I simply shredded his shirt to get at his skin. I got one leg out from under him and wrapped it around his waist, my hips undulating frantically. Groaning, Spike yanked down the front of my dress. I yelped and clawed at his back as his mouth started working on one breast.

On his way to the other he paused to kiss the skin over where what was left of my heart was. “O God, Drusilla, I love you.”

It was like being tossed outside into a forty below snowstorm. I wasn’t Drusilla. My body went limp, my arms and legs falling to the bed. Dru’s demon receded. “Spike, stop.” I said.

His head jerked up, and he growled, punching the bed next to my head before returning to kissing my chest. I sighed. All that Slayer training about getting out of a situation when a bigger foe had you pinned was going to come in handy now. I  braced my back, got my arms and legs in position, and with a heave managed to flip Spike off me onto his back. I quickly straddled his stomach and yanked back up the front of my dress. When he growled and tried to dislodge me I slapped him hard, leaving a trail of cuts from my nails across his cheek. “I said STOP!” I yelled, and to my surprise he did. He lay there, looking confused and wounded, especially when the demon left his features and blue eyes full of hurt bore into mine.

“Spike,” I whispered, and leaned forward to lick the blood from his face.

“What’s wrong, Dru? What’ve I done this time?”

“Nothing.” It was me, or really the lack of me, that was the problem. I couldn’t do this as half of who I was. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. I wanted to be Buffy, all of Buffy, if I was going to be with someone. This someone.  Spike deserved better too. He shouldn’t be thinking he was with Dru when he wasn’t.

How couldn’t he tell it was me in here?

Anger bubbled up. Anger at whoever or whatever was making me and Dru switch, anger at Spike for not seeing who I really was, anger at myself for letting things get out of hand. 

I jerked away from him, moving to sit on the edge of the bed so my back was to him.

After a few moments he rolled towards me, placing a hand at the base of my spine.

“Tell me more about what you saw,” he said with a resigned huff.

“There was a girl running because she was being chased, she was wearing a bracelet that broke and fell off. A man caught her, but then his face turned lizard like. There was a chalkboard with three symbols on it, and they were repeated over and over. Then someone was handing Angel a sword because he was the one that could kill the lizard-man thing.”

“Right, well. What were the three symbols, then?” Spike asked, sitting up next to me now.  I moved my fingertip on the sheet to outline then. “ ‘S Greek. Delta Zeta Kappa.”

“Does it mean anything to you?”

He shook his head. “None of it does. Don’t know why Peaches would be needin’ to play dragon slayer.”

At his words, something clicked. I’d seen the first part as if I were the girl in danger. Angel needed to save me, or maybe Drusilla as me.

“Spike, do you know where Angel lives?”

“Yeah, hard to miss the souled up stench of him.”

“Good.” I stood up, going to grab a new shirt for Spike. I tossed it to him before turning to get his duster ready for him.

“Uh, Dru, you want to share with the class?”

“You need to go find him and tell him that in the next day or two some Delta Zeta Kappa lizard monster is going to attack the Slayer and it’s up to him to save her.”

“Have you gone completely sack of hammers? Why the bleedin’ hell would I do that?” He was on his feet, hands on hips, his face screwed up like he’d bitten a lemon.

“Because if you don’t, there’ll be no more Slayer blood in Sunnydale.” That got him.

“Christ, woman. You’re going to be the death of me.” He staked over and pulled the coat out of my hands. “You’d better not breathe a single word of this to anyone. You hear me, ya daft bint?”

“Got it.” I’d won, he could call me whatever he wanted.  Spike left, slamming the door behind him hard enough to rattle the frame.

I barely waited two minutes and I was out the door and walking as fast as I could back to the main part of the factory. Dalton had managed to crawl over to the wall. His face was a mess, bruised and swollen. His nose was broken, and probably his jaw as well.

I bent down in front of him, taking his hand. He clutched at me. “I’m sorry, Dalton. This won’t happen again. I promise. When you feel better, we’ll talk about Arthur, okay?” He squeezed my fingers tightly and then relaxed. I let go and headed over to the fridge. Opening the door, I rummaged around till I found a cup of plain pig’s blood that smelled ok. While it warmed, I hunted down something to use as a straw. The short length of copper tubing I pulled out of the wall wasn’t ideal, but it’d work. 

The microwave beeped, I tested the temperature, and brought it over to Dalton. I was no nurse, but I managed to get the end of the tube between his lips and his instinct to drink took over from there.  When the container was empty I helped him to lay down, his head in my lap. I hated that he was hurt, but I didn’t feel bad about what had happened. I should be feeling guilty; it was partially my fault for not having some kind of talk with Spike about him. Only I didn’t. Not one little bit. It was odd, but I could worry about it later.

Also for later was Angel. I hadn’t seen him in weeks. I waited for a rush of longing or for jealousy to rear it’s head because it would be Drusilla seeing him and not me. Nothing. It made be wonder if there’d ever really been anything there at all.

****

We were still there when Spike returned. He was obviously agitated, and was muttering angrily under his breath. He stopped short when he saw us.

“Oi, this is rich. I have to go play white hat, against my soddin’ will, and this is what I bloody well come back to?!” He stormed over to us, and I could feel Dalton tremble.

“Spike, he’s my friend. I’m sorry if I’ve been some kind of ho-bag in the past to make you think I’m humping everything in pants whenever you turn your back, but the me that’s here right now wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Why?”  he bent down, looking me in the eyes. Only the fingers drumming against his thigh gave away how nervous he was.

“I don’t know yet.” It was honest truth. I held my head high, looking back at the man who had done more to turn my world upside down than whatever spell was causing the body switching.

Spike dropped his eyes away from mine. “I can accept that. It’s more than I probably deserve. C’mon now, let’s get this wanker back to his bunk so he can get his beauty sleep.”  He helped me to my feet, then between us we got Dalton standing up and stumbling in the right direction. Spike patted him on his back. “ ‘S alright, mate. You’ll be right as rain in the morning. No hard feelings, I just love the girl is all.”

There were those words again, that were so easy for him to say.  Between us Dalton just grimaced, or maybe he was smiling. It was hard to tell.

****

Thursday October 16, 1997

_Hi Dru,_

_I had another vision. There’s some kind of a lizard monster associated with the Delta Zeta Kappa fraternity house. I got invited to a party there on Friday night, so be careful. Angel already knows, he’s supposed to help you. I hope that won’t be too weird for you. Keep an eye out for a broken bracelet. Oh, and sorry, you’re going with Cordelia._

****

_Dear Buffy,_

_Angel found me tonight. When he kisses me, I want to die. Once upon a time he kissed my neck and I did die. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Only we’re all mixed up, aren’t we? Dust and ashes all jumbled together._

The Barbie dolls were back on the ledge by the window.  “Oh, Dru. What the hell did he do to you?”

****

_Friday October 17, 1997_

_Hi Dru,_

_Tonight’s the big night! We think there’s a girl being held against her will at the frat house. Her name’s Callie Anderson and she goes to Kent Preparatory School. Xander will go to the party as backup, and Willow, Angel, and Giles will be hiding outside. At the first sign of trouble they’ll be there. Good luck._

****

_Dear Buffy,_

_He saved me! Angel saved me! I drank something and it made we woozy, and when I woke up I was chained in the basement. I couldn’t yank the chains out of the ceiling in time and the creature would have eaten Cordy if Angel hadn’t been right there to be my knight in shining armor. He wants to have coffee with me. I told him sometime. It was_ wonderful _._

****

_Saturday October 18, 1997_

_Hi Dru,_

_You got roofied?!?_

****

_Monday October 27, 1997_

Spike hadn’t come to bed yet. Usually, I just waited, but I felt lonely. Lately, he’d been reviewing the tapes of Drusilla fighting, and dusting, his minions. He’d watch the damn things over and over, trying to memorize the moves. It bugged me. He spent more time with the tapes than me lately.

Damn it, I was jealous of myself.

I walked through the mostly silent factory, past the table, and into the room with the AV equipment. My bare feet made no noise on the concrete floor.

Spike was there, sitting in a chair, one of the tapes of me paused. My body was mid kick, with hair flying back. Dru had dressed me in a tight sweater and a short skirt that left my legs mostly bare. The way the skirt draped you couldn’t actually see my undies or anything. I was grateful to be spared that embarrassment.

I went to take another step towards Spike, but when I looked back at him, my brain put together exactly what he was doing. With his hand.

Oh, eww. Why did he have to be such a guy?

I turned and left quickly, feeling totally confused. I needed someone to decode dude behavior for me. Without a doubt, I knew Spike liked talking to me, hanging out with me, and doing things for me. He was jealous of my attentions, and could be somewhat more possessive than I really liked. He’d said he loved me, more than once now.

So why was he jacking off to pictures of my regular body? I guess I had kind of shot down the smoochies the other day, but it still felt like the right thing to do. I still didn’t want to have sex for the first time in someone else’s body, and he didn’t deserve that level of deceit. Dru’s demon didn’t agree with me at all. It was pissy, and demanding I go back in there and show Spike exactly who he belonged to. It wanted me to bloody his nose, and make him beg.

_Not happening, and go away._

The demon went back to sulking in the hind part of my brain. I got under the quilt on the bed, laying on the very edge of my side of the mattress. To distract myself from the endless confusion, I started repeating the latest verb conjugation I was trying to learn. _Je reconnais, tu reconnais . . ._

I was still at it when Spike finally came in, minutes before dawn, lying down next to me in nothing but his jeans. _Nous reconnaissons._ He rolled from one side to the other, then back again. After a minute he wiggled onto his back, sighing loudly. _Vous reconnaissez_. He shifted his weight again, bumping my leg with his foot. I wanted to turn over and snap something at him about how he really should be more relaxed. _Ils reconnaissent_. He tried with his arms under his head, then rolled onto in stomach, then onto his side again, facing me. It was driving me batty, so I relented. I scooted back until we were tucked together.  Spikes arm settled around me, and I could feel the tension leave him. Funny thing was, I relaxed too. _Je reconnais._

 

****

_Tuesday October 28, 1997_

_Dear Buffy,_

_I had a vision during the day yesterday. There’s someone new in town, a mystical power. He will turn things upside down and inside out on Halloween. He must not be a demon or he’d know better than to do anything on All Hallow’s Eve. I’ve warned Giles and the others, but I don’t know what exactly is going to happen._

_We’re going to pick costumes tonight. Try to work on Willow, she wants to be an apparition, but I think she should be more open about being something less banal._

_Love, Dru_

_P.S. I also told Spike, but I’m not sure yet what he plans to do about it. Usually, he just spends a quite night watching TV. He likes the one about the big pumpkin._

Spike was a _Charlie Brown_ fan? Would wonders never cease?

Dru didn’t know what she was up against with Willow’s shyness, but I’d do my best to get her to do something besides hide under a bed-sheet. Not that I had any real wiggle room with hiding. The mountain of secrets I was sitting on had surpassed unforgivable weeks ago. I hadn’t even called Dru on having coffee, or whatever it was she was doing, with Angel. It was just another way to hide my real thoughts and emotions from my friends. The only person who truly knew who I was anymore was Drusilla and that in itself was a terrifying thought.

I slammed the notebook down on the dresser and headed for school. It was going to be another fun day of pretending to be normal Buffy who only had friends with souls, thought the world was strictly black and white and only had the hots for a vampire on a mission of redemption.

****

I aced another quiz in English, this one over characters in ‘The Outsiders.’

_Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold._

I was starting to scare myself with how well school was going. It was strange. At least today class was acting as a great way to distract myself from thinking about Spike being a perv. Though, now in the body he was being gross over, the whole thing felt, well- a little less gross. Hadn’t I wanted him to want all of me as my regular self?

Yeah, Buffy, because that’s a great idea. Why don’t you head out to the factory right now and stroll in like you own the place? That won’t result in instant death, with, oh yeah, a side of death.

I was such a freaking mess.

Maybe the whole thing meant nothing at all? I decided to pin down the one person that might be able to answer my questions.

****

When lunch was almost over I grabbed Xander’s sleeve and asked if we could talk, in private, for a second.

Looking somewhat scared he followed me to a little used corner of the hallway.

“So what’s up, Buffster?” He asked, scratching his head.

I dropped my voice to a barely-there whisper. “The most awkward conversation in the history of the world.”

He looked skeptical. “Really? Because I’ve had some doozies.”

“I’m going for a new record here.” I bit my lip and considered him. “Maybe we should sit down.”

“Where? On the floor? The school janitors here are not the most over-dedicated of people. Who knows what bacterial experiments are occurring under our shoes as we speak.” We both looked down at the not very clean linoleum.

“Okay, I see your point.” I conceded. “I’m just going to say this-“ I bit my lip, suddenly not sure I wanted to actually do this.

“It was a good try. Maybe next time?” Xander was trying not to laugh at me.

“Ugh! Fine! What does it mean if you catch a guy that likes you touching himself while he’s looking at pictures of you?”

“Huh? What?”

“You heard me,” I mumbled, may face the color a cherry.

“Is this a hypothetical guy? Maybe touching his hypothetical ears?” Xander was doing his best deer-in-the-headlights impression.

“It can be, if it makes you feel better.”

“Buffy, why in the Sam Hill are you asking me this?”

“You’re my only guy-shaped friend, Xander. I didn’t know who else to ask and I’m totally wigging over it.”  I pouted at him. I’d been figuring out that was a pretty good way to get what I wanted. It worked like a charm. Score one for Buffy. What I said hadn’t exactly been true either. I did have one other guy friend, but I couldn’t in a million years imagine asking Dalton. Seriously, the dude would probably melt into a puddle of embarrassment. Plus, my patented pout mostly likely wouldn’t work on him. It sure hadn’t during my last round of math tutoring. It’d had to have been his demon that’d come up with that set of problems.

“I’m not even going to ask how this situation came about,” Xander held up his hands, either to stop me from trying to answer, or in defeat. “Look, as a guy I can tell you there’s lots of readily available material to do- that- to.  Especially if it’s a dude who’s not living with his parents and can just walk down to the 7-11 and buy a Playboy. So if he’s using pictures of you then it probably means he’s got, like, emotions and stuff. About you.”

“Huh.” Emotions- about me. That made sense. It didn’t mean Spike had any positive feelings for the Slayer, he was just hung up on her, me, whatever. And like all guys he’d dealt with that by thinking with his other head. I guess I appreciated that he didn’t find me butt ugly. “Thanks, Xander.” I gave him an awkward one arm hug, then left him standing there while I headed to class.

I was lost in my own world when Principal Snyder caught up to me. “Summers, I’m expecting you to be on time this Friday, and in costume.”

“I’ll be there, bright eyed and bushy tailed.” I replied cheerily.

He glared at me suspiciously, then nodded and walked off.

I wondered if he’d taste better than zebra.


	11. Emeralds

_Friday October 31, 1997_

There were little green shoots poking up through the dirt. It was only potting soil in the bottom half of plastic milk jugs, with garlic bulbs pushed down into it, but they were growing. The makeshift planters were set on the ledge were the Barbie dolls had occasionally been. It’d been a couple of weeks since they’d been there, and I knew Dru had seen Angel during that time, so maybe she was dealing with her daddy issues.

Or maybe not. I smiled ruefully down and the overly pink old fashioned dress I was wearing. Drusilla had picked it out at the new costume shop in town, and had even gotten a great deal on it from the owner. I was certain she’d done it for Angel. There was even a long brown wig to go with it.  So for Halloween I was going to be Dru, as Buffy, as Dru. It was a tad bit confusing, and also way up there on the creepy scale.

I also had a bad feeling about the weirdness that was supposed to happen tonight. I’d talked to Giles about it, but he couldn’t find any prophecies or other mystical mumbo jumbo about what might be about to go down. And while he hadn’t said as much, I kind of got the feeling he thought I’d just had a regular dream and was blowing it out of proportion. I bet he wouldn’t be saying that tomorrow.

I wondered over to look in the mirror at the dress and to get my wig in place. It was a big ole mystery to me why Dru thought Angel would like this get up. I’d have much rather been Xena. I snickered at my reflection. Spike, for one, would certainly have appreciated all the leather. Probably not so much the pink I was currently in. I didn’t know about the gown itself, since he always did dress Dru up in all those old fashioned outfits. If I asked, he’d probably just say something about it looking better crumpled up on the bedroom floor. The pig. I rolled my eyes for good measure, but I was still smiling at myself. It wasn’t like I really minded all the innuendos, but if I didn’t act all snooty about them, it wasn’t half as much fun.

I picked at the lace on the sleeves. The dress didn’t have any pockets, so I couldn’t hide a note to Dru. We’d already known this, had written about it the day before, but not having a letter for her still felt wrong. I had written a short one in the main book.

_Dru,_

_I hope your night was fantastic and that nothing gave you too much trouble._

_-xoxo Buffy_

It was just weird to not have more. I’d come to depend on chatting with her about our days. She was the only one that understood what it was like to be me, and I was the only one that really understood what she was going through. I was seriously hoping to find a cure for her that didn’t require munching on the Slayer. Maybe after all this she'd stick to the animal blood, even when she wasn’t switching with me anymore. I shied away from that thought as quickly as possible. If we weren’t switching, then I wouldn’t be-

“Where are you meeting Angel?” Willow called from the other room. Thank god, a distraction.

“Here.” I called back. “After tick-or-treating. Mom’s gonna be out.”

I wondered what Dru had planned for him, I was guessing it wasn’t a rousing games of checkers.

****

Shepherding a bunch of snotty kids around the neighborhood was proving to be a very effective form of birth control.

I don’t know what Snyder had been thinking. I was pretty terrible at this. The sun was fast approaching the horizon as we walked from house to house. Well, I walked. The kids skipped, hopped, and ran. No matter how many times I told them not to. Another house or two and Drusilla could worry about the ankle biters.

****

I blinked away the dizzy, switching bodies feeling, and immediately looked for Spike. I was already dressed in a sheer black gown and was standing in our bedroom. He was working himself up to go after the Slayer. The determination that this night would be a victory was written all over him. I could see it in every move he made as he paced around the room. He was like a tiger in a cage, and I knew no amount of whining or begging would keep him from going out to hunt.

I stood by Lorenzo’s cage, running one finger over the bird’s jade colored feathers. Lorenzo was hopping from foot to foot on his perch and picking at the bars with his beak, as unsettled as I was. Taking one deep breath to try and calm myself, an unsuccessful effort, I resolved to ask only the single time.

“Spike,” I waited for his head to swivel towards me. “Do you have to do this? It’s Halloween, stay here tonight.”  I tried to make my eyes wide and imploring, and stuck out my lower lip out for good measure.  He was across the room in a second, pinning me up against the wall with his body, his open palms smacking against the hard surface on either side of my head, boxing me in. The parrot squawked and beat his wings furiously inside his cage.

“Don’t,” Spike warned. Then his lips were on mine, hard and hungry. My knees gave way and I would have fallen if he hadn’t been pressing me into the wall. I gasped as he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and nipped it with blunt teeth.  

“You’ll miss your show.” I managed to say, as he nibbled his way down my throat. The only response I got was a growl and a hard bite to the sensitive skin over my carotid artery. I felt it all the way down to the apex of thighs, and I cried out and tried to wiggle against him, only he had me pressed so tight against the wall that I couldn’t move.

“Shhh, shhh,” he cooed against my throat. “I’m going to make you well, baby. I’ll bag the Slayer and then you’ll be all better, and we’ll have a grand time painting Sunnyhell red.” He rocked himself against me, so I had no way to mistake his meaning. I found his lips again, and while my mouth plundered his, I dug my fingernails into silkiness of the red shirt covering his shoulders.

Then he was gone, and I had to brace my hands against the fall to keep from falling.

“Huh?” I squeaked.  Spike had grabbed his duster and was settling it around himself. A knight donning his armor.

“Let’s go, the boys are playing poker tonight and I thought you could join in. Try to relax, none of that soddin’ book learning tonight. I’ll be back before you know it, luv.”

****

Turns out I’m a horrible poker player, but since we were betting spare change I’d only lost about fifty cents so far. Dalton was sitting to my right, and had had to teach me the rules before the first hand. I sighed, tossing my cards on the table.

“I fold.” I’d given up on beginner’s luck about four hands ago.

“Me too.” Dalton said, neatly piling and setting down his cards. “Do you need a drink, Mistress?” He asked, ever solicitous to my needs.

“Mm, sure. Something cheap.” It was going to be a long night, no reason to start out with the cheetah.

He stated to get up, and I went to follow him, but I’d barely straightened my legs when the pain hit. I clutched my head, trying to keep from screaming as Dalton guided me back to the chair.

****

_White. Black. White. Black._

_Pink._

_The inside of a warehouse. I was there, no not me. Drusilla in my body. Spike had her bent backwards over a stack of something. The vision swam as I felt jealousy rip into me. I pushed it away. No time. His fangs were near her throat, but he was moving so slowly. There was sound like breaking glass, and suddenly Spike was left holding a wig as Drusilla knocked him back._

_“Hi honey, I’m home!” She chirped. Then she was on her feet and fighting him, sending him to the ground. From somewhere she’d gotten a big piece of sharpened wood and was wielding it like a spear. She raised it, muscles taunt._

_Blackness._

****

As reality returned I did scream. Loudly, and scrambled to my feet. Dalton reached for me but I slapped his hand away.

“Don’t touch me!”

She was going to dust him, as simple as a Slayer killing a vampire.

No, no, no, no! I had to get to him. My mind was white with panic. The demon burst forth, fueled by my pain and anger.

I hissed at the blind morons around me. They fell back, looking at one another, but not a one could stop me. I turned and ran, not questioning as to how I knew the direction he was in.

Once I was out in the black of night I slowed to a walk and pushed the demon back. The vision had to be a warning. I hadn’t seen the end because it could still be changed. I’d make it in time. I had to. I wasn’t ready for him not to be here.

****

Fog, on a Halloween night, weaving through the streets and leaving beads of moisture on everything it touched. What a cliché. My hair was damp and tangled from the heavy mist. The dark strands trailed down my back in thick strings, sticking to my neck and making me uncomfortable. My arms were clenched tight across my chest, but that was nerves, not a chill. I wanted to run, to rush, to yell and scream for him, but my body wouldn’t let me. Frustrated tears flowed down my cheeks, soaking into the collar of my grey dress.

The tapping from the heels of my shoes echoed hollowly off the looming warehouses that surrounded me. Fear nipped at my heels, keeping me going despite the shaking of my legs. I didn’t know what I’d actually do if I ran into Drusilla in my Slayer body. I couldn’t fight her like this, but maybe I could throw myself between her and Spike, my presence enough to make her reconsider her actions. If I wasn’t too late. I refused to believe he was already gone; my demon would know. I had to keep going. 

One block further on I stumbled, my knees hitting the pavement hard. I planted my hands on the ground, trying to breathe through the pain like Giles had taught me. The little pants of air I was taking did nothing to help with the agony in my legs. Maybe it didn’t work the same for vampires. Slowly I collapsed onto my side, drawing my legs up and wrapping my arms around them. I quit breathing, it was taking too much effort.

Oh god. I’d failed. I couldn’t stop it. Drusilla would dust him because it’s what was expected of the Slayer. I hated her as I lay there on the wet concrete, shaking with exhaustion, but I’d have my revenge. When dawn broke over the city, we’d switch, and then she’d burn. I giggled to myself, hysteria to hide the pain. I’d go back to regular old patrolling and Bronzing, like nothing had ever happened. A secret never to be shared.

Who’d ever said the whole thing about it being better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, was stupid.

Okay, so was I. Loving your enemy was a really dumb thing to do.

The tears were back, running sideways off my face to join the puddles on the sidewalk.

I couldn’t even put my finger on the moment that anger, hate, annoyance, and fear had changed into something else. Had changed into ‘just one more night.’ One more night of being cared for. One more night of feeling cherished. One more night of not being alone. One more look. One more kiss. One more touch.

I wanted to scream at the universe that I got it now. It was too late, but I got it. Love wasn’t big shows and grand moments. It wasn’t Romeo and Juliet. It was the little everyday things that added up. It was being there and sharing the small things. A joke, a silence, a glance. It was sometime in all those seconds we’d spent together that I’d fallen in love without even realizing it. One day the clock had ticked, and with that movement I’d handed my heart over to Spike. I’d give anything now to tell him, even wearing this body as a mask. I wanted him to know how I felt, to know that I could give him the one thing he wanted most, unconditional love.

I heaved a huge sigh. Fat lot of good laying here and thinking grandiose thoughts was doing me. I tried to move again, but pain stabbed through my elbow when I put weight on it, and I ended up back on my side with a new bruise on my shoulder. I could really use a pint of otter right about now.

What would I do if some kind person found me here, if they bent over to see if I’m okay? The _anything_ from a moment ago came back to haunt me. The life of a stranger sacrificed for the life of someone I loved. Shouldn’t I be feeling a whole lot worse about that idea? It’s like there was some part of me missing, that part that should be wigging out over the fact that killing an innocent person seemed fine if it meant that I got what I wanted. I could _think_ that doing so was wrong, but in my gut I didn’t _feel_ that it was. Surely, I  wouldn’t be asked to test out if my head or my heart would win, fate wouldn’t be that cruel. Would it? It’s not like I didn’t already know the answer.

A clanging from the alley behind me startled me out of my reverie. Instinctively I let my demon come forward. The swirling morass of emotions and thoughts fell away as my face shifted and my fangs descended. The night became less dark, and I could hear the heartbeat of the creature, the way it’s blood swished through its veins and arteries. Salvation.

Slowly, I rolled onto all fours. The pain still screamed at me, but it was nothing compared to the siren call of the blood. Carefully, I stalked towards the brown metal dumpster in the alley. Like a cat after a mouse. Pick one paw up, hesitate, put it down, hesitate, shift weight forward, hesitate. No noise. No breathing. Keep the prey unaware that it only had so much time before it was found by death.

I had traversed the filthy pavement so cautiously that the animal was still ignorant of me even as I crouched right next to the stinking dumpster. Unconcerned it leapt down to the ground, inches in front of me. Like lightening I grabbed it, joy bursting in my chest at the culmination of my hunt. The ugly furry thing was a raccoon, I noted, as it twisted in my claws, trying to free itself. Its heart was pounding, fear radiating off it in delicious waves. I gave it a few seconds more, then buried my fangs into its neck.

The wet fur was gross, and the blood not nearly rich enough, even with the added flavor from the creature’s terror. A few pulls of the tepid stuff and the raccoon was dead. I carelessly tossed the body back into the dumpster. It hadn’t been anywhere near sufficient, but it would let me continue to move. To find Spike.

I stumbled out of the alley, and keeping one hand on the rough wall of the building next to me I started back in the direction my instincts pointed towards. I let my fangs stay.  The world seemed much easier to understand with the demon helping me. I would find my love.

****

How long had it been? Ten minutes, twenty? I couldn’t tell. The boost from my kill was already starting to fade, exhaustion seeping back in. I growled with frustration.

Then there he was, very much undusty.  He wore his demon face as well, and was muttering to himself like he usually did when frustrated. His hands were in tight fists at his side, but his gait was normal and he appeared unhurt.

I took a step away from the wall, and my traitorous knees, that had been uncooperative for the entire night, gave way. He was so wrapped up in himself he didn’t even see me. “Spike!” I called, sinking back to sit on my heels. His head whipped around.

“Drusilla!” He barked, and then I was being lifted by strong arms. Everything was okay.

“You’re alive.” I said, and the demon receded so that my tears of relief could flow.

“What are you doing out here, pet? God, you’re soaked through, and filthy. What the bloody hell happened?” He shook me a little, distress warring with anger.

“I saw, I thought, I . . .” My hand went to his face, needing to feel the skin there. “I thought she was going to kill you. I didn’t see the end.”

He was carrying me along the empty street, heading towards home.

“So, you rushed out to do what exactly?” His tone was light, but I could feel the tension in his chest and arms.

“I don’t know.” I admitted in a small voice. “It was stupid, I know that, but all I could think was that something was going happen to you.”

He stopped. We were in the middle of an intersection, traffic lights overhead blinking yellow briefly, then changing to red.

Those blue eyes were boring into me. “That didn’t really answer my question, poodle,” he said slowly.  “If you knew something was going to happen to me, you should have been battening down the proverbial hatches, preparing for the inevitable power shifts.” He paused, pursing his lips together. “So why did you leave the factory? Why come after me?” 

Gently he shifted me, and let go of my legs so that my body slid down along his, until my feet touched the ground. He kept both arms around my shoulders to make sure I didn’t fall, but his eyes never left mine.

“Why?” he asked again, in a voice that was a barely a whisper.

My mouth was dry; this was my anything moment. The traffic light changed to green and the color was caught in the puddles on the street, reflected of the mist in the air, and shimmered from every drop of dew clinging to the walls of the buildings like a thousand, thousand emeralds.

“Because I love you.” I said.

Spikes lips parted, the look on his face softening to one of wonder. My breath hitched. Drusilla had never said it, maybe never felt it, and if she had, I thought stubbornly, it sure wasn’t like what I felt now. His mouth crashed into mine and the world disappeared as my eyes slid closed.

I could have stood there kissing him until the end of time. His arms were pulling me so tight against him I thought my ribs might crack. After the initial rush his lips gentled, and our tongues danced slowly together. My hands were in his hair, disrupting its severe style and keeping his mouth firmly against mine.

When he turned his head to the side, I mewed in protest and he chuckled. “If you weren’t about to fall over, kitten, the things I’d do to you.”  Heat flared in my belly. “God, I’m sorry Dru.” Ugh, he’d have to say her name right now, wouldn’t he? “I was so close tonight. So bloody close. If only-“

“Shhh,” I admonished, bringing a finger to his lips. “I don’t care about all that. Only that you’re here with me, in one piece.”

He kissed me lightly on the forehead, then swooped me up in his arms again to continue walking.

“I love you.” He mumbled into my hair, and I smiled, content, for the moment, just to be.

****

I either fell asleep or more likely black out on the way back, because I woke up to Spike barking orders at the minions.

Dalton was there, looking frightened and stammering apologies.

“Shut up you git,” Spike snarled, and Dalton dropped to his knees, shaking. I squirmed, trying to get Spike’s attention, to tell him Dalton was blameless. “Stop wriggling Dru, I’m not going to hurt the bugger.” He looked down and the terrified vampire. “My girl’s a tricky one, smarter than you at any rate. Next time you better not let me down. Now get out of my sight!” The last was a yell which had the submissive vamp stumbling over his own feet in his haste to get away.

“Now, pet, we get you fixed up and in bed.”

He set me in a chair and headed to the fridge, pulling out several packs of blood and tossing them into the microwave. I closed my eyes and must have faded out again, because it seemed like only a second later that Spike was shaking my shoulder and helping me get a whole thermos full of blood to my lips. I drank it in huge gulps, barely tasting the blood in my rush to get the heady stuff down my throat.

“There’s a good girl,” Spike praised as I licked the last drops. “Time to get you cleaned up.”

He picked me back up and carried me into the maze of hallways, kicking open a door after a couple of turns. He propped me up against the wall of what had once been some kind of bathroom.  My eyes nearly fell out of my head when he started pulling off his clothes. When the jeans went I must have made a noise because he smirked at me over his shoulder.

“None of that, luv, you’re nearly dust on your feet.” His eyes narrowed. “Pull that lip in right now, it’s not going to change my mind.”  I did as he asked, by biting it with my own teeth, which got me an eye roll. “Just you wait.” He said, shaking his head.

No matter what he said, I’m pretty sure all the stretching and muscle flexing he did once he got his socks off was not entirely for his benefit. I checked myself for drool.

He turned to walk over and get the shower running, and I lost all powers of coherent thought.

Guh.

I just sat, twisting my hands into my skirt and watching. It sure seemed like the shower curtain needed a lot of straightening, and the shampoo bottles probably didn’t need to be rearranged, or the towels placed just so. Not that I was complaining. I tried telling myself that I’d already felt most of what I was looking at, but it was a lot different seeing the whole, um, er- package, so to speak.

With the way I was staring, I was surprised there wasn’t a giant, glowing neon sign over my head that said ‘never seen a naked man before’ with an arrow pointing down. After all, Drusilla would have been seeing him in his birthday suit for a century. I did have an inkling that it hadn’t been much recently, maybe because of her injuries, or maybe because when you were with someone that long you just went through phases.

Not that I could ever imagine getting tired of watching him. Evidently, he’d run out of fake stuff to do, because he turned and walked towards me. I stared like an idiot. Grinning like the cat that ate the canary, he grabbed my wrists and pulled me to my feet. Weakness had crept up on me, and I would have ended up in a heap on the floor if Spike hadn’t turned me around, one arm encircling my waist, and leaned me back again his chest.

We both looked down at my filthy gown.

“Right, no use saving it.” He gripped the bodice with both hands and tore the front of the dress completely open, so that with one tug it was a pile on the floor and I was as naked as he was. My sense of humor had progressed to the exhausted giggles stage, and I couldn’t help the mirth that bubbled up in my chest. I turned in his arms and the laughter started escaping, even as I tried to smother it against his shoulder. “I feel like you found that a great deal more entertaining than I did.” Spike grumbled as he ran his hands over my shaking shoulders.

“Oh, it’s been a long day, and, well you know what they call those cheesy romance novels at the supermarket?”

“Enlighten me,” he deadpanned.

“Bodice rippers, and you just-“ I had to pause and giggle some more. “You just ripped my bodice.”

He snorted, then chuckled, then laughed right along with me. “I’m afraid I make a terrible dashing hero, pet.”

“But you have the sexy scar,” I said running my fingers over the mark on his left eyebrow.

He caught my hand and kissed the tips of my fingers, the look in his eyes intense. “You are far more beautiful than anything those writers can ever dream up,” a smirk crept back onto his face. “Even when you look like a drowned rat.”

“Hey,” I smacked his chest with the back of my hand. “I’m a princess.”

“That you are, one that needs a bath.” Spike maneuvered me under the water, and even that much walking left every part of me as wobbly as jell-o.

I whimpered, but my vampire pulled me back against his chest again, and then carefully sat us both down, the water hitting out legs. It wasn’t warm, but that didn’t bother me. He had me sitting between his legs with one of my arms propped up on each of his knees. He used a washrag to scrub my back, arms and legs, then soapy hands to work over my stomach, and then breasts. We both groaned at the feeling, and he spent enough time to make sure each one was be very, very clean. I held my hand out and he dumped soap in it so I could do a quick clean between my legs, an action that was only mostly perfunctory.

Once my body was clean he gently pushed my chin down and started to work shampoo into my hair. Wow, and I’d thought the brushing felt good. Those long fingers kneading my scalp and working the suds through my hair put me over cloud nine, or on the rainbow, or- or- or something. I was back to guh.

By the time I was both shampooed and conditioned, I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. 

Spike stood up and wrapped a towel around his waist, then pulled me up and dried me off before using a second towel to bundle me up.  He carried me back to our room, pulled the towel off, and ensconced me between the sheets. I was too tired to complain about being naked. His towel joined mine on the floor as he made his way back around the bed. He climbed in next to me, spooning up against my back. One arm wrapped around me and he intertwined his fingers with mine. His lips moved against my ear.

“Tell me again,” he breathed.

“I love you.”

****

The taste of strawberry exploded across my tongue. I was standing on my back porch, bowl of berries in my hand. It looked like Dru had been watching the sun rise. I headed back in, put the bowl on the counter, and went to find the notebook.

_Dear Buffy,_

_I hope this note finds you well. Last night was most confusing for me. First, to find myself helpless again, trapped behind the persona of a girl who was much like what I once was, and then to be confronted with Spike while not in my own skin. I could have killed him, I had the chance, but I found myself unable to.  I care for him, as he is my childe. I am not indifferent to all that he has done for me, I am not indifferent to him. It has hurt to watch him fall in love with you. It has hurt to watch Angel fall in love with you. I wish I had been made right. I am not even worthy of God’s love._

_By the way, please remember to pick up your Mom’s dry cleaning this afternoon. And there’s a Scooby meeting at 3pm._

_-Drusilla_

I sat down hard on the edge of my bed. She sounded so sad. A quick glance showed me that the planters were still in place, no dolls. I didn’t really know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I hoped it meant she was figuring out some other kind of stress relief. I couldn’t really do anything about most of the nukes she’d just dropped on me, not right at the moment anyway. So I let me mind zero in on what it wanted to.

She written it, in bold pink letters, Spike had fallen in love with me. I  lay back on the bed, hugging the notebook to my chest, a big, goofy grin plastered on my face. Drusilla had said he loved me, not her, me.

It was going to be a good day.


	12. Acceptance

I'll never be the same

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Long Way Down”

****

_Sunday, November 9, 1997_

Late afternoon sunlight poured through my window as Xander and Willow sat on my bed. The former was working on whittling a stake and the latter was flipping through a treatise on demon feeding habits, researching something about one of the demons I, well Dru, had killed on patrol several days ago. When she’d first pulled it out of her bag I’d wanted to read what it said about vampires, but it was written in Latin and I hadn’t figured out a way to ask Willow to translate it for me yet without feeling like I was being too weirdly obvious.

I could tell myself that asking my friend to read out what an old book said about what vamps eat would in no way result in her jumping up, pointing an accusing finger at me and yelling that I’d fallen in love with an evil, soulless, vampire. Even worse, she might catch on that I’d eaten a raccoon. The fact that I’d drained and killed the stupid, rodent thingy kept coming back to haunt me. It wasn’t so much that I’d done it, more that I’d then just tossed the body away like so much garbage. I at least could have said thank you, and maybe laid it neatly on top of the dumpster or something. I should have acknowledged its life in some way, instead of treating it like a used dixie cup. Not that I tended to thank my cheeseburger either but I wasn’t the one slaughtering the cow, so it wasn’t quite the same.

I was sitting on my vanity bench with my legs pulled up, watching my friends gossip. They’d been discussing the outfits that some of the skankier girls at school had been wearing at The Bronze the other night. Dru had been there with them, of course, but that didn’t help me now. I just tended to make agreeable noises whenever a comment or question was tossed my way.

It was getting lonely doing the whole secret life thing. I wanted to talk to Willow about how blech wet raccoon fur tasted or joke with Xander about all the bad TV I’d been watching. I wanted to giggle with Dalton over the way my English teacher pronounced preposterous. Lately, I’d started fantasizing about meeting up with Drusilla while she was in my body, because it’d have to be at night, and going to the mall and spending hours together talking about clothes, movies, shoes, and boys. Only not Spike and Angel, because that’d be weird. I wondered who her favorite Bond actor was. If I had to guess, I’d say Sean Connery. For me, my answer was usually Pierce Brosnan, but after watching Octopussy with Spike the other night, I was seriously having a Roger Moore moment.

I sighed. I should probably be talking to my real friends and not pretend, in-my-head Dru. It was getting late however, so I opened the notebook to a blank page and jotted down a short note.

_Hi Dru!_

_Nothing exciting here. I think X+W want to go see Starship Troopers tonight. Make sure Mom’s okay with it and call her from the theater to let her know when you’ll be home. You’ll have to tell me if the special effects are any good. Have a great night and make sure you get out any popcorn that gets stuck in your teeth. It’s really not cool to have to floss it out the next day._

_-xoxoxo Buffy_

_P.S. I’ll get to the park as soon as I can._

The message Dru had left me that morning was all about how I needed to go to some park by the factory right after sundown. She’d stressed it was important and circled and underlined her words, as well as giving me written directions and drawing me a surprisingly well drafted map. She hadn’t told me why I need to be there, but I figured there was a point to it. I was just assuming she’d had a vision about it and it’d be a bad idea for me to ignore it. I’d be upset if I saw something about her and she didn’t follow through on it.

Once I was sure I had the map memorized, I closed the notebook and moved so I was sitting on the floor with my back against the bed. The conversation had drifted to who was crushing on whom at school, and I did my best to join in. I tried not to check the clock too often. Nightfall couldn’t come quick enough.

****

It’d not been as hard as I’d thought it would be to sneak out of the factory. Spike had kissed me good morning, brushed my hair, and then headed off to talk to someone about something to do with I didn’t know what. Once he was gone, I’d simply stood up and walked outside. Luckily, where I was supposed to go wasn’t very far, so I wouldn’t have to spend another week recovering.

Not that I minded Spike watching over me. He’d bring me breakfast in bed and spend the long boring hours reading me whatever I asked. At the moment it was Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night.” That wonderful, rumbling reading voice of his was doing amazing things for my recall of the story and lines during classroom discussions and quizzes.

After a while though it got old and all I wanted to do was be up and about. It’d even been a relief to get back to doing lessons with Dalton.

The homes in the neighborhood I was walking through were cheap, probably thrown up to house workers when the factory had been new. Now the porches sagged and paint peeled of the clapboard siding. I knew the area as it was part of my regular patrol route. An increasing number of the houses were abandoned, and vampires and other demons would squat in them.

Drusilla hadn’t told me what to expect- only that I needed to be at the park as soon as I could after sundown. I was hoping she was going to meet me there and that we'd finally have a chance to meet and actually sit down and talk.

I headed into the greenspace at the corner of two streets. The moon was high and nearly full, and the silvery light it cast lit up the park nearly daylight bright to my vampire eyes. Then I heard it, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

_ThumpThumpThump_

A heartbeat. The wind picked up and brought me the scent of the creature it belonged to. Tilting my head this way and that I glided towards the rusted jungle gym. A boy sat there. His head was down and he was dejectedly scratching at the dirt. My middle clenched on the emptiness there and my throat burned with thirst. _Food._ My demon whispered _. A tasty morsel. No one would ever need to know what you did_. I could grab him and have it over with quick. There’d be almost no fear or pain. _The fear makes them taste better._

My lips turned up in a smile. “Are you lost?”

The boy jumped and looked up at me. Something instinctual made him scramble back away from me. I shivered with the thrill. I was a predator. I wanted the prey to run. _It’s better when they run._

“No.” He said quickly. “My Mom’s supposed to pick me up is all.” His eyes darted back and forth, like he could escape me.

“Do you want me to walk you home?”

“No, thank you. I’m supposed to wait.” He was shuffling his feet and unconsciously moving back and away from me.

I started circling around one side of the gym while my hand trailed over the metal bars. The boy took a step back, his whole body trembling with fear. _He knows. He knows you’re going to feast on him and that he’s looking at his death._

I froze. What the hell was I doing? I pushed the demon and its seductive whispering back behind the wall in my mind. This was a test. Drusilla had sent me here to test me. I was standing at the corner of the jungle gym, facing the terrified child.

I’d nearly-

I’d been about to-

Only I hadn’t. I’d passed.

I exhaled sharply, trying to blow the enticing scent out of my lungs.

I tilted my head to the side and forced myself to take a good look at the person I’d almost killed. “Little boys should not be out alone at night.” I told him. “Bad things can happen to them.” In my voice, the words sounded a lot creepier than they had in my head.

A dark figure suddenly blocked my view of the child. “Run Home.” It said and the boy did as he was told. The drumming of his heart faded into the night.

The vampire in front of me turned and I was looking up at Angel. My nostrils flared as I flooded my senses with him. I hadn’t seen him in so long that the memory had paled. His handsome face was drawn in anger and tension radiated off his strong body in waves. I could remember just how he tasted now. His glowering presence made me feel like a child. I wanted to please him so badly. Right now he looked furious and I knew that I’d been very naughty and that Daddy was mad at me.

Wait. Hold up.

Okay, that was just ooky. I put some distance between us. The sire bond. That had to be the reason I felt like I needed to be groveling at his feet. I pulled my eyes away from his. Is this how Spike felt around me? It’d be easy to confuse it with love. However, at the moment it felt like it was being forced on me and that I had little choice in how I responded. I’d certainly never done the same to Spike as I hadn’t even had a clue something like this was possible until right this minute.

Angel seized my arm in a crushing grip and forced me to look up at him.

“Hello, Drusilla.” His voice was as cold as winter wind and I found myself shrinking back away from his looming figure as his words froze me to the bone.

“Angel.” I squeaked. “I wasn’t going to hurt the boy. Don’t be mad, please.”

“Like I believe that.” He let go of my arm and I tumbled to the ground. I was genuinely scared now. Angel had always been gentle and kind to me as Buffy. I didn’t know this creature with ice in his veins. “Drusilla,” he shook his head. “I’m offering you a chance. Take Spike and leave Sunnydale.”

Haltingly I got to my feet. Angel didn’t offer to help. He just stood there and watched me struggle. “It’s not that easy.” I said once I was upright again. “I got hurt and not better. Or haven't you heard?” Something flickered across his face briefly before he clamped his mask of anger back in place.

“I heard.” He said through a clenched jaw.

I waited but he didn’t elaborate. “Maybe you can help me?” My tone was unintentionally childlike. I still wanted badly to believe in the man standing before me. As Buffy I’d idolized him. He was my tall, dark, handsome stranger who’d swept in like the cavalry to help me out. He’d been Romeo to my Juliet. I had thought I’d loved him. “Please?” I stood before him, my head bowed.

“Go back to your lap dog,” Angel growled. Carelessly he pushed me again as he stormed past and I ended up back on the ground. He spun to look at me. “You’re nothing but a broken toy, Drusilla. You’re worthless, less than nothing. Dusting you would be a mercy. This is your last warning. Stay away from the Slayer and stay away from her friends. Take your pathetic excuse for a Childe and go.” He disappeared into the shadows and I was left sobbing in the dirt.

It took me a few minutes before I was able to clamber back up onto my feet using the gym for support. I was shattered. I’d been thinking about Angel less and less, both when I was my regular self and most certainly when I was in Drusilla’s body. I had stopped missing him and had started to believe that what I’d thought was love had just been a school girl crush. Through it all though I had still believed in him as a good man that always chose to do the right thing. The Angel I thought existed wouldn’t have treated his family like they were trash. He wouldn’t push someone around just because they were weaker than him and he would never, ever treat his own childe as if they were disposable.

I wrapped my arms around myself and headed back towards the factory, back towards where I was loved. I tried not to cry even as I mourned a man that had never existed.

****

When I walked back into the factory I saw Spike talking to Dalton. My vampire’s hands were gesturing wildly and my tutor was just shaking his head with his body, leaning back away from Spike’s intensity. I walked towards them while trying to keep my chin up and my back straight.

Dalton’s eyes darted to the side and widened when he saw me. Noticing the change, Spike spun on his heel and sprinted across the floor to me. His hand gripped my elbows, keeping me steady.

“Drusilla! Did you go out hunting?” His brow was furrowed in confusion. I shook my head, not trusting my voice. “What were you doing then, luv?” His eyes were raking over me, taking in my tangled hair and dirty clothing. The little muscle in his jaw that only showed up when he was angry had really started to twitch.

“It was Angel.” I said. His hand tightened painfully on me. I sighed. If jumping to conclusions were an Olympic Sport, Spike would have been the gold medalist. “Not like that.” I snapped. “I asked him for help. I thought maybe he’d know how to make me better.”

“Oh, god, Dru.” Spike’s face instantly softened and he pulled me against him. “You know he has a soul now, pet.”

“I thought that’d make him want to help.”

Spike just shook his head. “We’re the bad guys now.” He brushed some of the dirt off me. “Did the blighter hurt you?”

“I-I-I- fell.” I whispered. He growled deep in his chest, having read the truth of the matter in my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I said against his neck. Tears were starting to gather and I tried to sniff them back.

“No apologies needed. Let’s get you a clean dress then, shall we?” He scooped me up in his arms to carry me to our room.

 I felt so safe that I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore and they escaped in great, heaving sobs. Spike stopped in the hallway. Gently he tugged my hair until I was looking up into his face.

“What did he say?” His tone was flat.

“N-N-Noth…” The lie trailed off. I couldn’t control the crying and had started weeping so hard that my whole body was shuddering. “Worthless.” I got out. “Broken toy.”

Spike screwed his eyes shut for a moment and gritted his teeth. “I’m going to kill him.”

“No!” I barked. “Spike, no. You can’t leave me tonight. Please, stay with me.”

He opened his azure eyes and the tenderness there rocked me to my core. “I’ll stay.” I relaxed against him and my tears began to taper off.

Once inside the room he stood me next to the bed and stripped off the dirt stained dress. My regular sleep shirt was in a pile on the end of the bed so he slipped that over my head and helped me to lay down crosswise on the mattress.

“On your back, pet.” I wormed myself over like he’d asked. His strong hands guided me until my head was just at the edge of the mattress with my hair was hanging down loose towards the floor. He grabbed the brush from the vanity and sat down cross-legged on the ground so he could start to work the knots out of my hair.  I let him work for a minute, then brought both my hands up over my head and gently placed one over each of his ears. I tilted my head back so I was looking into eyes.

“Thank you.” I told him.

He nodded and leaned down to plant a kiss on my forehead. “Tell me again,” his lips brushed my skin as he spoke. It’d become our thing.

“I love you.” I put as much feeling as I could into my voice and tried to let it pour out through my face and hands. I was never sure if he really believed me and moments of doubt, like earlier when he’d thought I’d run off to sleep with Angel, made me worry that he didn’t.  I needed him to know it was everything inside me that loved him, but didn’t know how to make that clear.

“I love you too, poodle.” He smiled that sweet, little boy smile at me, the one that made me feel more important than anything else in the world. “Now lay straight or we’ll be cutting these tangles out.” He went back to work, humming something old fashioned to himself. I didn’t recognize it; I just knew it wasn’t one of the punk tunes he’d usually mumble under his breath when he was concentrating. It was sweet and sad, and eventually it lulled me to sleep.  

I woke up when he moved me so my head was on the pillow. I started to sit up when he walked away from the bed, but he was right back beside me with his hand on my shoulder almost before I’d gotten my head off the pillow.

“Hush, sweetling. ‘M just getting my coat off.” He moved around the other side of the bed and I heard his coat and boots hit the floor.

“Don’t leave me.” I whimpered in a tiny voice. I knew there was nothing to be afraid of, but I was shaking again anyway. He drew me to him and turned me over so our foreheads were resting against each other. His hand cupped my face while his thumb ran back and forth across my cheek.

“Never.”

****

_Monday, November 10, 1997_

_Dear Buffy,_

_The movie was awesome! Big bugs on other planets! The special effects rocked. I did make sure to get the popcorn kernels. I think they might be possessed because they seemed to intentionally get stuck in my teeth. Willow didn’t think we needed to investigate the concession stand though. Just keep your eye on them if you go during the day or if you get Spike to take you. He’s more likely to want to go to see the classic stuff at that artsy place, however._

_So how did last night go?_

_Love, Dru_

Had she known the kid was going to be there? What about Angel? Her night had obviously not sucked as much as mine, and since when did Dru use words like rocked?

****

Unlike the post office and every bank in town school was still open on Veteran’s Day. Some of the teachers took pity on us and just showed films so we’d at least get a mental vacation.

My brain was already mushy so I was glad for the reprieve.

I plastered my best fake smile on and did my best to pretend I wasn’t feeling completely out of my depth emotionally.

The first strangeness of the day was Ms Calendar stopping me in the hallway to say something about how much I’d learned in such a short time and that I should consider taking computer science next semester. I smiled and nodded like I had any idea what she was talking about. I guess Drusilla’s been getting a few after hours lessons. Well, good for her.

The second weird-o occurrence was that an old friend of mine showed up out of the blue. I hadn’t heard or seen from Ford since I’d moved, yet now here he was. Any other day I might have been ecstatic, not least because he seemed much more interested in me than when I’d been in fifth grade and he’d been a year ahead. Today, though, I barely managed to do more than grunt through a horribly awkward conversation with him and the Scoobies, and it fell to Willow to ask him to come with us to The Bronze that night. I didn’t even care one way or the other. It’s not like I was going to be there either way.

****

_Hi Dru,_

_I don’t know what you expected of me or what kind of test you were trying to put me through. I didn’t kill the boy. I remembered myself in time and told the demon to take a hike. I wasn’t so lucky with Angel. He hurt me, in more ways than one. I’m sorry he’s your sire. He warned me, as you, to stay away from the Slayer and to leave with Spike as soon as possible. I haven’t told Spike yet about that part because I wanted to ask you first - what should we do?_

_Tonight at The Bronze an old friend of mine, Ford - Billy Fordham - will be there. I’ve known him since elementary school and used to have a crush on him. I don’t know what it was, but something seemed off about him today. Let me know if you find anything out._

_-Buffy_

****

I’d brought Lorenzo’s cage with me out to the main factory floor. He was hopping and squawking and looking at his new surroundings with avid interest. I was laughing at his antics when Spike came up behind me and slipped his arms around me. He bit the nape of my neck with blunt teeth, then soothed it with a kiss. I leaned back against him and realized he was only wearing one of his silky black button shirts hanging open over his jeans. No t-shirt was evident at all. I pushed myself against his bare chest, wriggling against him in enjoyment.

“Do you think he can learn to talk?” I asked while stroking Lorenzo’s bright plumage.

Spike shrugged. “Don’t rightly know.” He threaded a hand in my hair and tilted my head back and to the side so he could kiss my lips. I melted into him and mewed in happiness. I raised an arm over my head and curved it around to grasp at his slicked back locks and press his mouth even harder against mine. Our tongues tangled and dueled. His hand made its way inside the low neckline of my top to caress my breast.

Only the room was full of minions going about their usual business. There was only so much of a free show I was willing to put on. I broke the kiss and nipped at the swell of his lower lip.  “Hey now.” I warned, pulling his wandering hand back out of my dress and settled it on my hip instead. He trailed his other hand across my stomach to settle on the other side. I turned so I was watching the bird again, but stayed leaning against his chest.

“Mm, I’m sorry, luv. I’m a bad, rude man.” Spike used his hands on my hips to yank me back against him so I could feel exactly what he meant. I groaned and the other vampires in the room suddenly seemed much less important.

A familiar voice rang out, echoing in the factory and interrupting us. “This is so cool!”

Spike spun towards the intruder with murder on his now vamped out face. My own demon had come forward at the shock as well.  The thud of the idiot’s pulse was ringing out like a dinner bell. I was glad he wasn’t the first human I’d encountered or he’d already be dead. Then tomorrow I’d have to feel bad about killing my one-time friend. Though what Ford could possibly be doing here was beyond me. 

Ford poked at some of the old equipment. “I would totally live here.”

Spike’s snarling voice rose over the teen’s. “Do I have anyone on watch here? It’s called security people. Are you all asleep?” The minions drew back from their enraged master as he stalked forward towards Ford. I followed in his wake. “Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?”

Ford’s eyes were shifting rapidly back and forth between Spike and me. “I know who you are,” he told Spike, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

“Yeah, I know who I am too. So what?” Spike halted, his head tilted to the side as he watched the boy. I let my hand glide up his silk clad back to rest at the nape of his neck. I scratched the skin there with my nails and watched my vampire shiver. His hand closed around my wrist and drug me around beside him so he could nuzzle at my throat.

Ford gawked at us.

“Such a sweet, innocent boy.” I lisped. “He has no idea what he’s doing.” I ran a hand up my own side and over the top of my breasts while using my tongue to stroke my fangs. Spike growled and bit me lightly on my neck. I shuddered.

After opening and closing his mouth several times, Ford found his voice again. “I came looking for you, Spike. You are Spike, right? William the Bloody?”

I turned back towards Ford and walked out of my lover’s arms towards my old friend. His eyes widened and his breaths started to come in little panicky pants. “The real question is: why are you here, Mr. Billy Fordham.” I gave him a fang filled smile and he visibly paled.

“How do you know my name?” His voice had gone up in pitch as terror began to take its toll.

“I know lots and lots of things.” I said smoothly. I’d begun to pace a few feet away from Ford, studying him.

The boy jumped hard as the door behind him banged open and one of the minions came hurtling into the factory, a book clutched in her claws. Spike held out his hand and the female vamp dropped the book into it, then went to stand a few feet behind him. I couldn’t remember her name but I knew I didn’t like her. She wanted what was mine and tried to get his attention in every way she could.

Spike was leafing through the book. It was old and looked like something from Giles’ collection. “This is great. This will be very useful.” He turned back towards Ford but didn’t look up at him. “So, how’d you find me?”

While Spike was preoccupied with the book, I noticed the look of fear that passed between the female minion and Ford.

“That doesn’t matter. I’ve-“

“It was her.” I stated, pointing a finger. “She led him here.”

“Really?” Spike finally closed the book. He handed it off to Dalton and turned his attention towards the female vampire.

“Yes.” I confirmed. “Dust her.” Without hesitating, Spike dropped a hand to his boot and pulled out a stake hidden there. He plunged it into the surprised minion’s chest and was turning back to me before her dust had even started to settle. My demon was doing a gleeful jig and I didn’t think I’d ever been more turned on in my life.

I spun on Ford. “This is taking too long,” I snarled.  I grabbed the front of his shirt with one hand and slapped the other onto his forehead.

****

_The glaring white on white of a hospital room. It took me a moment to realize that the bald, shriveled body lying in the bed with tubes coming from every orifice was Ford. I picked up his chart but it was just a piece of paper with ‘cancer’ written on it. The scene shifted to a graveyard at night. I could see me, only it must be Drusilla as me, sitting next to a new grave while she was talking with Giles. A hand shot up from the grave and the Slayer jumped to her feet. Quickly, Ford pulled the rest of his body free of the grave, but he wasn't fast enough to prevent the Slayer from dusting him in one sharp stroke. The scene erupted into rainbow colored lights that were dizzying until I realized I was staring at a disco ball. Looking around I could see that I was in some kind of a club. The Slayer was standing there and Ford came up behind her and pushed her into Spike’s waiting arms._

****

I came back to reality as Spike gently lifted my hand from where it had been digging into Ford’s scalp.

“What’d you see, ducks? Can we eat him now?”

I turned away from the sniveling form of my former friend and shrugged. “The boy’s dying of cancer and wants to be turned.”

Spike let out a bark of laughter. “I’ve known him for two minutes and already can’t stand him. I really don’t feature him living forever.”

I laid one hand on Spike’s chest, then walked around behind him. “He thinks he can deliver the Slayer to you as a trade.” It seemed no one was who I thought they were. I’d known Ford since elementary school but here he was selling me out. I wrapped my free arm around Spike’s neck and looked over his shoulder to where Ford was. The kid was terrified. My demon was screaming for his blood. It was pissed at the idiot’s betrayal of me. Instead of giving in to the bloodlust, I fed the beastie in a different way.

Ford’s eyes were watching us as he waited for Spike to make a decision. Slowly, still standing behind him and peeking over his shoulder, I ran my hand down Spike’s chest, over his flat stomach, and then lower still. It was a mimic of the move he’d tried to intimidate me with on Parent-Teacher Night. Only it was a lot more fun when I did it. I also didn’t stop at the waist band of his jeans but instead I let my fingers work right under it and I keep going till I found my prize. Ford didn’t seem to know what to do with his eyes all of a sudden. He’d look at what I was doing and then his gaze would skitter away to the right or left.  Not singing about touching myself anymore, was I?

“Right,” Spike said after a few minutes. “We’ll need to work out details.” He eyed the minions through slits.

“Dalton.” I whispered in his ear before I licked its curve.

“Yeah, pet, that’ll work.” He groaned harshly and tilted his head back against my shoulder. It was another few minutes before he could find his voice again. “Dalton!” He barked. “Work out a plan with the kid. The rest of you lot…” His breath was labored. “Get the bloody hell out!” The last was a roar as he bucked hard in my grip.

I stayed were I was as he panted, then slowly pulled my hand back out. Spike caught my wrist in a vice like grip and yanked me around in front of him. He leaned his forehead against mine, his golden eyes bright.

“We’re alone now, poodle. Time to play.” Gently he pushed me back till my thighs met the hard edge of the big table in the middle of the room. He grabbed the fabric of my skirt in his hands and bunched it up, exposing my legs inch by inch. When he had it up to my waist he got impatient and yanked the entire thing up over my head and tossed it away. I was standing there stark naked in the middle of a vampire den. I had no heartbeat, needed no breath, and wore the face of the demon that lived inside. I was everything I had once hated but I felt no guilt or regret. I was powerful and complete.

Spike’s mouth descended on mine and kissed me until my insides were awash in fire.  His hands worked my body until I couldn’t stand on my own and he had to help me sit on the edge of the table. I was unashamed as he gently pushed my knees apart.  Then Spike, one of the deadliest vampires in existence, was kneeling before me with awe in his eyes.

His gaze was locked on mine as his hands kneaded the soft, pale skin of my thighs.

“Tell me again.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” I could feel his lips moving against my flesh as he spoke, and the world became nothing more than sensation.

****

_Dear Buffy,_

_You were right to be suspicious of Ford, but I still don’t know what his game is. He knew that I was the Vampire Slayer, and he said that he dusted a vampire near the school, but then I saw Julia in the library later stealing a book. Something strange is going on with this boy._

_Have you heard of the Sunset Club? It’s a nightclub that caters to people who wish to be vampires. I don’t know what the delusional fools expect, but we both know it’s not what they would get. Hopefully, we can figure out this mystery before someone gets hurt._

_Love, Dru_

I hurriedly got my school things together and wolfed down breakfast. I didn’t think Ford would be at the school today. It would be a good thing because I probably wouldn’t be able to meet him in the eye after what I’d said, not to mention done, in front of him last night.  Even though he didn’t know it had been me.

I nearly ran out the door, only stopping to give my Mom a brief hug. Oh boy, did I ever have something to tell Willow. While I technically still fit somewhere on the virgin scale I was going to need her help to figure out exactly how close to “not” I was now. I could dish first and then we’d consider about what to do with the psycho that wanted me dead.


	13. Meat Hook

When it's gone what will you say?

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Feel The”

****

_Tuesday November 11, 1997_

It’d been a weird day.

 I’d had to stow my best friend talk with Willow even though I was dying to tell her what I’d done. The edited, abbreviated and with deliberate misdirection version, of course, but she’d make all kind of excited noises and it was so much better than keeping it entirely to myself. Only it’d have to wait now.

Instead I’d spent all day talking about Ford and how he planned to betray me to Spike. I actually got a thrill every time I said my vampire’s name in front of my unsuspecting friends and Watcher. It was a delicious thrill to have a secret lover. Ugh, my mind caught on the word. Boyfriend was even worse. A boyfriend was someone who you went to the movies with and saw in the hallway in between third and fourth period for a quick kiss. The word seemed too innocent for what I was up to with Spike. So I was stuck with lovers.

I don’t know why I was worried. It’s not like I’d have to explain our relationship to anyone anytime soon.

The really fun part of the day was when it turned out Willow, Xander, and Angel had been lying to me and going behind my back to try and figure out what Ford was up to.

Not that I could really call them on it. Hello! Queen of lies and half-truths here.

After way too much arguing it was decided I’d head to the club alone since I probably wouldn’t be let in if I was with anyone. I’d go early, before sunset, and try to talk Ford out of being stupid.

I seriously had my doubts, but it was how I found myself standing in an alley facing a big metal door. Pulling our notepad from my pocket I wrote to Drusilla.

_Hi Dru!_

_I’m at the club and am going to try and get Ford to give up his plan. If we’re outside the club at sunset (ha!) you’ll know it worked. If not, please try and get everyone out before ~~Sp~~ the vampires show up. I really hope this doesn’t get weird. I want to meet you in person so bad but this probably isn’t the right time. Can we set something up later so we can talk? _

_Love, Buffy_

I stared at that ‘love’ for a long time. She’d been signing her notes like that for a while, but it was a first for me. It didn’t really mean anything, but I wanted her to know that she was my friend and could trust me. I left it. Tucking the notepad back into my pocket I knocked loudly on the door.

Time to get this show on the road.

****

As I’d predicted, Ford hadn’t been willing to budge an inch. I’d become disgusted with him when he refused to even try and save the other wanna-be teens.

We were in the upper part of the club, leaning together and arguing in hushed tones.

“Ford, these people don’t deserve to die.”

He shrugged. “Neither do I! But apparently nobody took that into consideration, ‘cause I’m still dying.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I look good, don’t I? Let me tell you something. I got maybe six months left and-“

“I know that!” I snapped.

“What?” He looked confused.

“Not important. We’ll all die; I’ve got the early Slayer expiration date myself.  What does matter is how you’re choosing to go out.”

“Excuse me? You try-“

Sunset and the vertigo hit. 

*****

I was sitting on the edge of the bed clad only in the black t-shirt, looking down at my now chipped pink toenails. I wiggled them, thinking maybe blood red would be a great color choice for the next time I painted them. Spike was still asleep. He lay on his back with one arm thrown over his eyes and the other reaching out towards my side of the bed. The red sheets covered most of him, but one foot was sticking out next to me. I was having a devil of a time not tickling it.

Doing my best to resist temptation I stood up and walked over to Lorenzo’s cage. He eagerly hoped over to press himself against the cage bars so that I could pet him.

“Such a pretty bird!” I cooed softly to him. I made short work of his daily care before returning my attention to the sleeping vampire.

The foot hadn’t moved.

With a feral grin I dropped to my hands and knees. Ever so carefully I stalked my prey. 

When I reached the end of the bed I slowly set one hand on the mattress, followed by the second. Subtly I shifted my weight until I was able to draw my feet under me. Getting ready to pounce I wiggled my behind like a cat, then struck. My mouth sunk down over his big toe and I nipped at the pad as I claimed my prize.

Spike sat bolt upright in bed and let out a less than manly yelp. He’d vamped out at the surprise and the whole picture made me giggle, even as I was running my tongue in lazy circles around his toe.

“Bloody hell, kitten. You’re lucky I’m already dead or you would’ve given me a sodden’ heart attack.”

“Mmm-hmm.” I agreed, not stopping what I was doing.

He collapsed back flat on the bed. “You going to bring that show up here?”

“Maybe.” I let go of his toe with a final kiss to the very tip and started to make my way up his still mostly sheet clad body. When we were nose to nose I let my weight settle on him, but kept my mouth a millimeter away from his. He’d know what I’d want first.

Spike threaded his hand into my hair. “Tell me again.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” His mouth was hungry on mine and his tongue demanding as it sought entry past my lips. With a moan I opened to him and he left no part of my mouth unexplored.  I forgot everything but the feel of the man under me. I moved my mouth to his neck and he rolled us so that we were lying side by side.  My hands ran over his chest and my lips kissed a trail down towards his nipple.

Suddenly he stopped and his eyes flew open. “Bloody hell, pet! It’s after sunset!”

“So?” I breathed against him.

He dropped a kiss on my nose. “I’ve got a Slayer to bag. You want to get all better, don’t you?” I wanted to stop him and keep him here with me, but I could see his mind had shifted into ‘fight Slayer’ mode and I was already chopped liver.

“Take me with you.” I said as he rolled out of bed and hurried to get dressed.

He stuck his head back out of the closet and frowned at me.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, poodle. This Slayer’s a right tricky one.”

“Please,” I pouted at him and watched his will crumple.

“Get ready then.” With a sigh he ducked back into the closet and tossed a slightly frumpy off-white gown at me.

I got ready quickly and made the ultimate sacrifice by brushing my own hair while Spike tied his boots up.

Once his duster was in place he offered me his elbow like he was escorting me to dinner. Which, I guess, he was.

****

Once we were in the club, things started happening fast. The humans had scattered and the minions had gone after them. I’d seen myself, or rather Dru in my body, knock Ford out. It was beyond wiggins to see myself from the outside. I looked…short.

Spike had moved away from me to bury his fangs into the neck of one of the teens. There was yelling, screaming and the stink of human fear.

I wanted to hide from the chaos. My mind was fragmenting itself. The demon was quivering with all kinds of desires from watching Spike drink from the frightened girl. My hands were in fists with my nails digging painfully against my palms.

My demon desperately wanted to go and rip the girl from his arm, finish draining her, and get horizontal with him right there on the floor.

I looked around, urgently trying to find a solution as my self-control slipped dangerously close to non-existent. My wide eyes landed on my body. Dru looked pissed. Feeling my gaze, she turned to regard me. From her pocket she brought a stake and mimed grabbing someone and holding it to their heart. Me I realized. It was a good solution. I nodded slightly, giving her permission.

Confidently she launched herself up to where I was and grabbed me about my middle. “Spike!” she hollered. He looked up from his meal and I watched as fear slammed into him. He dropped the girl at his feet. I could still hear her heart beating.

“Everybody stop!” he yelled. To my surprise all the minions did. Not a single one of the teens was dead.

“Good idea. Now they all walk out or your girlfriend fits in an ashtray.” Dru’s voice and hands were steady. I was the one shaking.

“Spike…” I whispered.

His face softened as he looked at me. “It’s going to be all right, baby.” Behind me Dru scoffed quietly. Spike straightened up. “Let them go,” he commanded. His voice suggested that any argument would not be tolerated. The idiot humans gathered themselves up and ran from the club.

Drusilla gestured at the stairs with her stake and Spike slowly backed up towards the steps.

I tried not to be afraid of the very sharp piece of wood that hovered over my heart, nor of the strength that radiated out of the body behind me. My body. It was easier to pretend it wasn’t me when I didn’t have to look. She was the Slayer, and I was a vampire. I’d never felt as cold and dead as I did with the very alive heat of her holding me still.

The humans, other than Ford, had all fled. Drusilla had pulled me towards the door, and now we both watched as Spike stood, seething, half way down the stairs. His anger was palatable, barely held in check by his concern for me. I wanted nothing more than for Dru to push me forward into the safety of his arms. Then we could go home and this nightmare of an evening could end. Slowly, so as not to startle her and risk her ramming the stake home, I turned my head so I could see the Slayer’s face. It was impassive except for her eyes. Emotions were swirling deep inside them and I got the sense she was making a choice. Dru tilted her head to the side and those familiar green eyes met mine. She searched my frightened face for a second, then nodded, decision made.

“Forgive me.” She whispered in my ear. She turned back to Spike and her entire expression and manner changed. I was looking at Drusilla now, and not the Slayer. “I know a secret!” she sing-songed. Her laughter was a noise I wasn’t aware my throat was capable of making. Spike’s amber eyes narrowed in confusion. The pit of my stomach gave way as I realized what she was doing.  Dru pushed me slightly to the side so she could see Spike better. “Do you remember St. Louis, Spike?” She was swaying slightly now, a hypnotic back and forth dance.

I turned to watch him. His eyes went wide. Almost reluctantly he noded. “Yeah, pet, I remember St. Louis.” He smiles wolfishly. I don’t think it’s a story I’d want to hear.

“The people on the boat were wearing masks. One face to hide a different one.” Dru stopped swaying and tilted her head coquettishly at Spike. The fingers on her hand not holding the stake walked their way up my arm, over my shoulder and neck, and stopped once they were grazing my temple. She tapped her fingernails hard against my head. “The Slayer’s hiding in here, my prince. She’s in a Drusilla costume so she doesn’t have to be afraid of the dark.” Blunt teeth clicked beside my neck.

Spike was looking back and forth between us. I could see him fighting to understand what was going on. “Drusilla, are you saying you’re in the Slayer’s body and she’s in yours?”

“Yes, yes. Now you’ve got it!” She laughed again and I cringed further away from her. There was horror on Spike’s face, along with hate and disgust. All of it was aimed at me. My knees threatened to give way. “Angel’s coming for me!” Dru smiled dreamily. “Time to go. Play nice, Spike, don’t be a bad doggie.” Then she pushed me down the stairs. The door slammed closed behind me, the click of its lock loud in the silence. For one terrible moment I didn’t think Spike was going to catch me, but at the last second his arm wrapped around me and stopped me from landing in a heap. As soon as my hand is wrapped around the banister he let go, jumping back like he’d been burned.

I straightened my back and clutched at the tattered remnants of my pride. Exhaustion was nipping at my heels as I gingerly walked down the remaining stairs. I could feel his eyes boring into my back as I picked my way across the floor to an empty pool table. Mustering up a last burst of energy I gracefully swung myself up and onto it.  I shifted over and laid down on the green felt.

I’d seen the minions huddled together. I didn’t think that they’d really heard what Dru had said. Small favors.

Spike roared angrily at them, yelling something about getting the door open.

I closed my eyes. His heavy boots thudded ominously on the concrete as he headed towards me. He stopped right beside the table. I could hear the leather of his jacket creak and guessed he was wrapping it tightly around himself. I warranted armor now. The foot falls resumed as he began pacing. I kept my eyes screwed shut as I tried to force a couple of unneeded breaths into my lungs. I needed to relax and get control of my wildly raging emotions.

I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t. It would break me. Tears had always made Spike drop whatever he was doing to calm and comfort me. Now he’d probably just laugh and I couldn’t stand it. I’d cry later, when I was alone.

My head was spinning and my stomach felt as if I was being dropped off the side of a building over and over again.

“Look at me!” Spike snarled. My eyes snapped open and I turned my head towards the pacing vampire. Blue eyes met mine briefly. He’d hid the demon back behind his human mask. It didn’t make him look any less formidable. “Are you the Slayer?” He bit out.

I sighed. The lies were done. “Yes.” I answered, hastening to add: “My name’s Buffy.” I needed to be more than the title of my calling.

He growled. “I don’t care what your bloody fucking name is.” I winced but tried to be patient with him. Surely, when he’d had a little while to calm down and think he’d realize that it was me. The me that’d been with him night after night for the last six weeks. He stopped pacing to glare at me. “I don’t know what in the ruddy hell you’ve done, but bring back Dru now!” he yelled.

I crinkled my forehead. “Do I look like a genie? I’ll just wriggle my nose and fix everything because I hadn’t thought of that!” now I was yelling too. This was going splendidly.

He slammed into the table, leaning over me with his fangs back in place. He snarled. “Bring her back.” His voice was low and deadly as he tried to intimidate me.

“Really?” My eyebrows shot up. What the hell did he think he was doing? I sat up suddenly and let my demon loose, forcing Spike to move back. I’d shocked him. Good. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” I grumbled and laid back down. I mostly forced my demon back, but not all the way. I needed to lean on its strength. _Help me!_

“Bloody hell.” Spike stepped back, running a hand down his face. He walked to the bar and snagged a couple of bottles of whisky. Ah, he couldn’t punch me so he was falling back on his only other coping mechanism. He tilted his head back and half the contents of the first bottle disappeared. With my demon not being well contained I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the pale column of his throat and the bobbing of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed. I either wanted to run my tongue over the skin there or rip it open with my fangs. Maybe both. Once done he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sauntered back over to where I was. He just stood and stared at me with his head tilted to the side. Finally, he snorted and brought the bottle to his lips to finish off the second half. With a careless gesture he tossed the now empty bottle against the wall where it shattered.

I waited. How much longer till he figured it out? I twisted my fingers into the delicate off-white fabric of my dress. I should have done something, anything, to keep him from coming here. Less than three hours ago he’d been pressing his lips to mine and telling me he loved me. I wanted to go back, to live forever in that moment.

I lost patience with him. “Look, Spike-“

“Do you know how to get her back here, in the right body?” He interrupted.

“No, but-“

“Then shut your bloody fucking gob, bitch. You don’t understand. Not anything!” He picked up a chair and sent it sailing into the same wall the bottle had hit either. It smashed to kindling. Grabbing the second whisky bottle Spike took a sip, then walked over and slammed it down next to my head. It wasn’t hard enough for the bottle to break but I still recoiled. Spike grinned, then reached down and started undoing his belt buckle.

“Um, what are you doing?” I squeaked and with an effort I drew my gaze away from what his hands were up to in order to look at his face. His eyes were cold and he was leering at me.

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Slayer. I don’t fancy a stake in the back is all.” He pulled the belt out of its loops. The leather sighed against the denim as it came free. Grabbing the ends Spike popped it against itself once. The loud noise made me jump. Moving around so he was above my head he grabbed my arms and yanked them over my head. He bound them forearm to forearm with the belt. The actions were rough and his hands ungentle. As a scare tactic, which I’m sure it was supposed to be, it failed spectacularly.  Instead I found myself clamping me knees closed to keep from giving away my arousal. Apparently I was okay with rough. Really, really okay.

Since this wasn’t the best time for sexual self-discovery I made my suddenly dry mouth ask: “So tell me what I don’t understand.” Spike picked the whisky back up and finished off the rest in three long gulps. The empty bottle joined both the first one and the chair as shards on the floor. He walked back over to the bar and returned with another two bottles. Setting them down next to me on the pool table he hopped up to sit cross legged next to me. Chin resting in one hand he regarded me with a speculative look.

“What can you possibly know about anything? You’re hardly out of your nappies.”

“I know more than you think. It’s not like being the Slayer is all rainbows and unicorns.”

“Yeah, boo-hoo. You can cry to me when I make your neck my chalice.” He snorted with satisfaction when I looked away, thinking he’d got to me. I was actually trying to hide how my mouth was watering and my fangs were threatening to descend as he’d unintentionally conjured up images of the night I’d drunk from him.

“So quick to kill me?” I asked softly, despite myself. Did the last month and a half mean nothing to him?

He snorted. “It’s what I do. You’re a Slayer and I’m a vampire.” He opened the third whisky bottle. “I’d kill a thousand of you if that’s what it took to heal my dark princess.” I rolled my eyes at him. “What’s a chit like you know about love?” I fixed him with a narrow eyed stare. He took a swig from the bottle and shook his head at me. “Real love, passionate love. Not what you feel for your mum and dad or whatever celebrity you’re crushing on at the moment.”

My voice was brittle when I replied. “Again, I know more than you think.”

He barked with laughter. “Do you fancy yourself in love with my poofter of a Grandsire, then? Let me tell you something, pet, you don’t know shite about Angelus.”

“I know Angel better than you think.” I sighed, and Spike raised an eyebrow at me. “Not in the biblical sense. I’m well aware he’s not…” I shifted on the hard surface of the pool table and frowned. “That he’s not a nice person.”

Spike spluttered mid whisky sip. “That’s the understatement of the century.”

“Okay, fine. He’s a stuck up, self-righteous, manipulative, lying jerk-face.”

“Well,” Spike drawled. “You might be a whole lot smarter than I gave you credit for, Slayer.”

“Don’t go getting all mushy on me, Mr. The Bloody.”

Spike smirked and polished off the third bottle of booze. He smashed it the same as the others and was reaching for the next one when a groan came from behind one of the couches. Hand on his head Ford pulled himself to his feet. Whisky forgotten, Spike was off the pool table and had the boy in his grip before I could blink. He shook my ex-friend none too gently. “What’d you do?”

“Huh?” the confused boy mumbled. “We had a deal.”

“What did you do to the Slayer and Drusilla?” Spike bit out each word. His body hummed with tension.

“I didn’t do anything! We had a deal, Spike.” Ford looked around. “Where’s Buffy?”

Spike picked him up by the collar and drug him over to the pool table. “Right here.”

“Hi Ford,” I said weakly.

“What the hell is going on?” Ford was trembling with fear.

“Do you remember when we were in elementary school and I said I loved you and you, being a year ahead of me, said I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with you?”

He nodded. “Buffy?”

“Yup. I got a weird deal going on here. You’re not responsible, are you?”

He shook his head ‘no.’

“Well, in that case, you’re not much use to me.” I couldn’t help the coldness of my tone. Ford and Spike wore nearly identical expressions of shock. “In the morning I’ll make sure to come and collect your remains.” I turned my head away from them. Ford had made his bed and it was high time he laid in it. My hands were also quite literally tied in the matter.

There was no scream or any sound of a struggle. When the spicy scent of Ford’s blood hit the air, I couldn’t prevent my demon from coming forward again. I awkwardly rolled onto my stomach and pressed my face into the felt. The minutes before his heart stuttered to a stop seemed interminable.

I felt more than heard Spike walk back over to me. “Feeling bad, Slayer?” he rumbled.

“No.” I said. I was more upset at how hard I was struggling for control than about the fate of someone that would betray me so easily.

Spike’s hand dung into my hip and yanked me back over onto my back. I gave a started gasp. He stood there, smiling around his fangs. His lips were smeared with the remains of Ford’s life. His right hand was raised and coated in bright red blood. The liquid was pooled in his upturned palm.

“No.” I said again, now panicked. I tried to move away from him, but his other hand held me pinned. I involuntarily licked my lips as I stared at a stray drop of blood that’d escaped and was doing a tantalizing roll down Spike’s wrist.

“Oh Slayer, you aren’t on your high horse now, are you?”

Lightning fast he brought his bloody hand to my lips and forced two fingers into my mouth. At the rich taste my jaw relaxed automatically. “Good girl, take it all.” He cooed and tipped up his palm so the rest of the blood flowed down and into my mouth. My eyes slid shut and I sucked at his fingers. The first time he went to pull back I bit down gently to keep him still. With my tongue I licked off every last drop of blood. Spike groaned and I slit my eyes open. He was watching my mouth and his own eyes were dark blue and glazed over. I finally let him have his fingers back.

Spike leaned down, close to my ear. “What about now, Slayer? Do you feel bad now?”

“No.” I breathed.

“Do you know why?”

Confused, I shook my head.

“You aren’t feeling all stick-up-the-arse righteous, pet, because right here, right now. You have no soul.”

“What?” I sputtered.

Spike backed up from me, laughing loudly. “Only make sense. Tell me I’m wrong, Slayer.”

I thudded my head on the table top. He wasn’t wrong. How hadn’t I realized before? When Dru and I switched it was only our minds, nothing else. I was a fool not to have seen it sooner. It certainly did explain a lot.

Spike was cackling with laughter. “If only you could see your face, Slayer.” The mirth died as quickly as it’d started. Anger returned and he fairly hummed with it. He moved to look at me again, and the back of his hand met my face. I gasped, the sudden violence surprising me more than the pain.

“Bring her back!” He howled. “A century, a sodding century I’ve been waiting for her mind to clear. Then just one day, poof, she’s better. It’s been good, so bloody good. She loves me! What could a fucking little girl ever know about that?” His fist slammed down next to my head. For the first time since Parent-Teacher Night I was afraid of him. “Devotion, patience, everything that I am I’ve given to her.” He collapsed next to the table, his hands clutching at nothing. “And what thanks do I get? What’s Spike’s reward? Whatever the hell _this_ is happens and she goes running off to Angelus the first chance she gets.”  He raised his eyes to look at me. “A couple of hours ago she was kissing me, telling me she loved me.” My breathing hitched. He had no idea. None. “Now she’s gone. I’ve lost her.” He dropped his face into his hands and his shoulders shook.

“Spike!” I pleaded.

“No, not another word from you. This is your bloody fault.” He jumped to his feet and his lips twisted into a cruel rictus of a grin. “I hate you.”

With a roar he turned from me and ran up the stairs three at time. At the top he knocked the minions away from the door and launched himself at it. Again and again he battered his body against the steel. At last it gave way enough that he was able to yank it open. In his rage he nearly tore it off its hinges.

“Bring her,” he commanded without so much as a backward glance towards me.

I was hauled inelegantly out of the club over the shoulder of one of the minions and rode back to the factory in the trunk of the DeSoto. Once we were home, Spike picked me up and out of the cramped space. He dropped me on my feet. Grabbing the belt still wrapped around my arms he drug me stumbling along behind him to our bedroom. He banged the door open, threw me in, and closed it. Not once had he so much as glanced at me. I heard a lock I didn’t know existed turn.

The room was pitch black. I staggered over to where I knew the bed was and collapsed onto it. Lorenzo fluttered his wings and squawked.

“It’s just me.” I told him. His speeding heart slowed to its normal rapid beat.

I strained at the belt that imprisoned my arms. It didn’t budge and I was too tired to think of a solution at the moment. I wormed my way up the bed to lay in my usual spot. After a minute I rolled on my side and squirmed over to Spike’s side of the bed. The pillow still held the indent from his head. In the dark his scent was all around me and I took huge, hungry gulps of it.

Pain, sharp and hot, knifed through me. I’d lost him. I’d never really had him. It felt like Dru had taken a meat hook and impaled it through my chest. I hung from it, helpless.

At last the tears started.

****

At some point I must have cried myself to sleep. I started when I opened my eyes in my room. It was bright and cheery with sunlight streaming in through the open window. I was on my feet and sliding the curtains closed and flipping the light off before I could really think.

Ford was dead; served him right. Soul having me didn’t like being betrayed either.

The excruciating pain in my chest was no better.

Spike’s voice echoed in my head.

_I hate you._

The words burned and twisted inside me. If only I could feel the same. If I could hate him back, then maybe my heart wouldn’t be breaking.

My lower lip quivered as tears threatened. I had the pink pen Dru used clutched in my right fist. Hesitantly I walked over to the vanity. The page was blank. I flipped back to make sure, but there were only our previous entries. The coward.

I couldn’t go to school. I stripped off my clothes and crawled under the blanket of my bed. My mom found me there twenty minutes later. Tears were running silently down my face. She bent down, concern in her eyes.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I don’t feel good.” I swallowed thickly.

“Is there someone else I need to hit with an ax?” One side of my mouth tilted up at her words. That was my mom, always ready to take on my demons.

“No, no one else.” Just the same guy; which in itself was a weird thought. A lot had changed since that night. “Can you excuse me from school today so I can deal with it? Please?”

She nodded and caught my hand in hers. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you’ll really live through it. Your first heartache is always the worst. And I’m here if you need to talk to me, about anything.”

I squeezed her hand and tried to smile through the tears. She tucked me in like he had when I was a little girl before she left to go downstairs and call the school.

Once she was done I quickly called Giles’ office to tell him I wasn’t feeling well and would be absent. I got his answering machine and left a brief message, reminding him about Ford’s body at the end. After I hung up I thought about calling back and telling him about Drusilla and the body swapping, but if I did that, it’d mean the end of it. The next time I’d see Spike, I’d be in my regular body there’d be no chance to talk. It’d be all hate and flying fists as we tried to kill each other. That couldn’t be the only path. I wouldn’t let it be.

I curled up and pulled the covers over my head. Later I could be strong and independent, but not right now.  Now I needed the dark and tears.

I wasn’t ready to be okay.


	14. Please

I’m falling down again.

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Fallin’ Down”

****

_Wednesday November 12, 1997_

_Why?_

I’d scrawled it crookedly across the top of the page, my black pen scoring deep lines into the paper. I couldn’t understand what Dru had been thinking. I’d believed we’d come to an understanding of sorts. That we were friends or sisters. That we had each other’s back. She’d betrayed me and I didn’t know why.

It’s not like she’d been clueless about how things had been going between me and Spike. Couldn’t she have told me to stay away from him weeks ago if she was going to turn all jealous girlfriend?

Not to mention she’d been dating Angel while in my body and probably getting all kissy face with him and I’d never complained. Though having seen him be so cold when he thought I’d been Dru made me wish she’d picked some other random guy to get with.

I needed to get back to the factory. Maybe Spike would have figured it all out and things would be okay again. I stared at the clock, willing it to go faster.

Nightfall wasn’t coming fast enough.

****

I opened my eyes to blackness.  Nothing had changed. Hope slipped away and I was left empty.

I was lying on my back on the bed, my arms still bound together. I guessed Dru hadn’t been able to figure out a way to get out of the belt either. If she’d even tried. This was only the third time since this whole switching thing had started that I’d woken up without Spike there. The first time had been the night he’d recognized something was different. He’d asked me if I was there with him. It’d been the first time he’d kissed me.

I tried to bring my fingers to my lips as they tingled with remembered sensation, only the belt stopped me. It brought me crashing back to reality. No kisses tonight. A shudder racked my body and tears loomed again.

I needed to get my arms undone. Lying on my back with my arms bound across my chest with no heartbeat or breath was getting to be way too corpse-like for me. I strained against the leather, but it was useless. I was just too weak.

After a rest I tried twisting so that I could get my toes up to the buckle. In my Slayer body I could have done it no problem, but it turned out Dru was nowhere near as flexible. It was incredibly frustrating. I collapsed back on the bed and drummed my legs like a toddler having a temper tantrum. I wanted to yell, but when I opened my mouth the only sound that came out was a choked sob.  Curling up on my side I let the sadness wash over me again.

I wanted Spike to burst through the door, tell me that he’d figured it all out and that everything was going to be fine. He’d undo the belt and kiss away the pain from where it’d rubbed my arms raw. His apologies and words of love would flow like water as he carried me out to the table and warmed me up some dinner. He’d hold me tight and never let me go.

The door remained closed.

Deep down inside I knew it was an impossible situation. What were we going to do? Ride off into the sunset together?

Love wasn’t a rational emotion.

I cried until I had no more tears left and my body was shaking with exhaustion.

From his cage Lorenzo started squawking. He was probably hungry. While all I felt capable of was letting grief overrun me, I couldn’t let the bird die because my heart was broken.

I fought the leather with no more success than before. My demon finally came out of hiding as I struggled and poked at my memory banks. Vampires were always armed.

Duh.

I shifted into vamp face and ripped into the belt with my fangs. It shredded in the most satisfactory way as I twisted and shook my head like a dog with a bone. When at last the length I was working on gave way I howled in triumph. I sent the damn thing sailing away to the far corner of the room and struggled to my feet. I could see a little better like this. It was enough to take care of the parrot anyway. I wondered if he was also lonely in the dark.  

Slowly I walked to the door and stood with my hands resting against it. I let the demon recede. There was no noise besides Lorenzo’s heartbeat and the crunch as he worked on his dinner. I was hungry.  It wasn’t bad yet. Tomorrow it would be. Surely I wouldn’t be left here to starve to death.

Finally, I returned to the bed and lay back down.

Nobody was coming for me.

****

_Thursday November 13, 1997_

I was sitting at my vanity, ready for school like always. I wanted to crawl back under the covers and hide some more.  Only I couldn’t take one more concerned look from my mother or worried phone call from my friends. I needed to paste my fake ‘Happy Buffy’ smile on and go about my business like part of me wasn’t dead inside.

I grabbed the notebook, but wasn’t really expecting much.

_Dear Buffy,_

_I know you don’t understand. One day I hope you will forgive me. You probably think that I’m jealous. You’re right. Only it’s not because of what you think. I want someone to love me for me. Spike has loved his ideal of me since the night I turned him. Never once in all that time did I live up to that ideal. Before it didn’t matter how much I hurt him. He was mine to do with as I pleased. I was wrong. Sitting here, in your body, I ache for how much pain I’ve made him eat over the years._

_You love him. Forgive him his faults. He loves you, the girl that wants him to read to her and will not only sit through endless reruns of sitcoms, but actually finds them funny. The girl that for once put him first. You both deserve the truth. He needed to know that girl wasn’t me. Give him time._

_In the end he’ll give you everything._

_Love, Drusilla_

_P.S. I expected to wake up caged. Why didn’t you turn around and tell Giles about the switching?_

Holy.

It was more than my brain was able to process. My heart was pounding.

I still hadn’t even had time to work through the not having a soul thing while I was in Dru’s body.

Oh shit. Drusilla. My body, my soul. How the hell was that working?

I ignored my mom’s worried look when I declined breakfast. I needed to get to school and distract myself from this whole thing.

I clamped my hands around the straps of my backpack to keep it from bouncing as I powerwalked down the street. Anger, whole seething truckloads of it, hit me out of nowhere. What right did Dru have to decide all that for me? Couldn’t she have brought it up in the notebook or met up with me somewhere and talked about it first? Anything would have been better than her throw a grenade at it approach.

I wanted to punch something, or someone. I didn’t feel picky at the moment.

I was super pissed at Spike, too.  He wasn’t any better than his … was she still his girlfriend? Was I? It was making my eyes cross. Why hadn’t he asked me how long me and Dru had been switching? It was the obvious question. Why did he have to be-

To be-

Ugh! Such a stupid, evil, soulless, dumb…guy!

Xander and Willow were waiting outside of the school when I got there. My face must have given away that I wasn’t exactly a happy camper because they rushed to put their arms around me.

“Hey Buffs, are you okay?” Xander kept his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. My friends looked so worried.

I wanted to be strong. I was the Slayer and nothing should be able to keep me down. Especially not a vampire.

“No!” I wailed and tuned my face into Xander’s shoulder. He awkwardly held me and patted my back while I smeared tears and mascara on his shirt.

Willow fished in her bag for Kleenex. She handed it to me and I noisily blew my nose. “Do you need to talk about it? ‘Cause we’re totally here for you with ears wide open.”

I couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out. “Spike’s an idiot.” I sat down hard on the concrete steps and tried to find a clean part of the tissue to wipe my eyes with.

“Yeah he is.” Xander sat next to me. I could feel them exchanging worried looks over my head.

“And he has annoying hair.” I sniffed loudly. Willow sat down on the other side of me and handed me a clean tissue before putting her arm around me.

“I’m sorry about Ford.” I almost snapped that I couldn’t care less about him but managed to bite my lip. It wasn’t exactly true. I felt terrible I hadn’t been able to save him. I felt even worse about not having thought about him since-

Nope, best not-

My tongue inadvertently ran around the inside of my mouth. That was majorly wig worthy. I shot to my feet. “I need to go.” My friends looked shocked. “To the bathroom,” I added.

Willow nodded. “I’ll go with.”

I burst into the bathroom and turned one of the cold faucets on full blast. Using my cupped hand I gulped the water, trying to wash the remembered taste of Ford’s blood out of my mouth. Evil. Bad.

Monster.

The door banged again as Willow entered. I looked up at the mirror and was caught by my reflection. It felt like it shouldn’t be there. Creatures that drank blood weren’t supposed to have reflections. Willow’s worried gaze met mine in the mirror and I quickly ducked my head back down to wash my face.

“Tell me what’s wrong. I can help. Is it Ford? Because he kind of betrayed you and you did save everyone else at the club. I know you probably wish you could have killed more of the vampires, especially Spike since he’s like the main bad guy right now, but I think you did a very good job.”

I was glad she couldn’t see me face. I turned off the water but stayed leaning over the sink with my hands braced on either side of the basin. The desire to tell her everything was really strong. It was Willow, my best friend, she’d understand. Wouldn’t she? I just needed more time. This hook in my chest needed to come out first so I could be something besides a watering can when I spoke. That left me with the edited version. More lies.

“I’m sorry Willow. I’m just feeling like a bad person right now in more ways than one. I failed Ford and I’ve totally gotten caught up in some stuff that’s not really high school appropriate.”

“Angel stuff?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Angel sex stuff?”

Did she have to be so astute? “You guessed it. I’m still on the Virgin scale, just a couple notches lower than the last time we talked.”

I straightened up and turned around. Willow was doing her best owl impression. It wouldn’t have been so funny if there hadn’t been an owl on the sweater she was wearing that day. An involuntary giggle made me slap my hand over my mouth.

“What’s so funny?” she griped.

“You look like your shirt. All wide eyed.”

It was her turn to laugh. “Okay, I kind of do. It’s hard not to when you find out your best friend has been holding out on you. So make with the talking.”

I shook my head. “It’s one of things I feel bad about, because maybe if I hadn’t been so busy being a lust bunny I might have been better able to see Ford’s pain.”

“You have hormones. Now quit stalling, my no honey having butt want to know what you were up to.”

“Well, I- I-, are you sure you want to hear this?” I could feel the blush staining my cheeks.

“Does it involve any barnyard animals?”

“No!” I scrunched up my nose.

“Then I want to hear it.”

“Okay, okay.” I held up my hands in defeat. “I got in his pants again and gave him another happy, right?” She nodded and leaned forward. “So he wants to do something for me. He took my dress completely off and-“ I shivered with the memory.

“And?”

“And there was a lot of tongue involved!” I squeaked, suddenly losing my nerve.

She looked adorably confused. “He naked French kissed you?”

“Not on my mouth.”

“Wha- oh! Oh! I get it!” Now it was Willow blushing. “Was it nice or, like, totally embarrassing?”

“Fireworks and shooting stars nice.” We both sighed. “And vampire.” I reminded her.

“Which means?”

“When he’s vamped out it makes his tongue all raspy, like a cat’s.”

“Wow.” She looked dreamily up at the ceiling.

“Wow,” I agreed.

The bell rang and we had to rush to class. Neither of us could look Xander in the eye as we slid into our desks. Unfortunately for me it was Algebra so my mind left the building about five minutes into the lecture. The girl talk elation ebbed pretty quickly and I was left chasing the events of two nights ago around and around my brain. The pain remained raw and sharp in my chest.

When I stopped by the Library after my last class I found Giles rooting through the stacks of paper on his desk.

“We still on for tonight?”

“Hmmm?” He paused his shuffling and creased his brow. It wasn’t like him to be so distracted.

“Blood delivery at the hospital? Remember? I’m supposed to stop the vampires from redistributing it?”

“Yes, right. Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.” He rubbed his left arm right above the elbow. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“At the hospital?”

“Yes.” He went back to searching for whatever it was that he needed.

I walked home in a daze. What would I be heading back into after sundown tonight?

Homework was a bust. I just couldn’t concentrate. Giving up on it I sat down to reply to Dru. At the top of the page I drew directions to the hospital and marked where the blood delivery happened and wrote the time she was supposed to meet Giles.

_Dru-_

_When you’re here you are me. Sunnydale needs a Slayer. If you’re in a cage then you can’t do things like stop the hospital’s blood delivery from being hijacked (see above). We don’t know why we’re switching. It’d be different if we could just stop._

_I am totally mad at you. Next time there’s a big thing, talk to me about it first instead of just nuking the situation. I’m hurting more than you can imagine right now._

_-Buffy_

Why couldn’t she have just left well enough alone?

****

Once again I was hungry, alone and in the dark.  I was sitting on the ottoman to my chair with my knees pulled up to my chest. Groaning at how hollow my middle was I unwrapped my arms from around my legs and clumsily got to my feet. I wavered for a moment and nearly ended up back on my butt.

_Hey demon! A little help here!_

Its presence was a comfort. The bones in my face shifted and my fangs descended. God that felt good.

I padded over to Lorenzo’s cage to take care of him. He hopped around and nipped at my fingers when I put my hand inside the bars to fish out his food and water dishes.

“Hey now,” I chided him. I didn’t know why he wasn’t more afraid of me. Scary vampire here. Maybe he’d just gotten used to it and knew I didn’t mean him any harm.

I didn’t know what to do with myself when I was done. I still didn’t feel like watching TV or reading. I was a miserable, upset, emotional mess.

The dress I was wearing was still the same one I’d been wearing the past two nights. I hated it. It was ugly and uncomfortable. Now that I was thinking about it the fabric felt especially harsh and constraining around me. With a roar I sank my claws into the cloth and ripped. I pulled and tugged until the stupid thing was off and then I continued to tear it with tooth and nail until it was shreds. Both I and my demon felt much better after the violence.

My nakedness didn’t really bother me. I wondered if that was part of the no soul having or just because I was in the dark with no one to see me. It’s not like I could go take a stroll along Main Street right now to test my theory. My demon seemed to figure that since I was naked I should be participating in naked activities and was conjuring up some very graphic suggestions, all of which starred Spike, of course.

_Stop it!_

_I miss him too._

Trying to ease the pain I walked over to the pile of dirty laundry he’d left on the floor. I’d nagged him a couple of times about the habit but was grateful now. Dropping to the floor I stuck my face into the pile and breathed deeply. I’d never be able to bitch about the whole vampire scent thing being gross ever again. I sat back on my heels and pulled shirts out of the pile. I brought each one to my nose until I figured out which one smelt strongest of him. Pulling it over my head I wondered back to the bed and curled up on my side in the middle of the mattress. I shook off my vamp face and let the dark surround me again.

With no warning pain blared through my skull.

****

_Fire. Chanting. A demon throwing its head back and laughing. A symbol in black ink being drawn on the skin of a man. At first I didn’t recognize him, but then he aged before my eyes. Giles! There were whispers, voices soft and slurred. I had to strain my ears. Eyghon, they were saying. He wears the mark of Eyghon. Five people sat in a circle in a dirty room. Four men and one woman. I now recognized one of the men as being the younger Giles. The demon laughed again._

_The scene lurched and changed to the Library. The same group of people were there only now they were all older. First one man crumpled to the floor, then a second, and then the woman. Giles and another man I didn’t recognize were still standing._

_Another lurch and I was watching the stranger left standing in the previous scene bend over my bare back. I couldn’t see what he was doing but the look on my face was one of pain. From behind him Jenny crept into the room. Only she wore the demon’s face. She reached for the man…_

****

The headache was excruciating. I wrapped myself into a tighter ball and whimpered. I wanted Spike to hold me, to rock me and tell me everything would be okay. The last time I’d had a vision he’d distracted me with his hand and his lips. I was alone. The stupid tears started again and before long my whole body was shaking as I sobbed. He’d said he’d never leave me and I was so alone.

“Please.” I whispered to the dark again and again, but I didn’t know what I was asking for.

****

_Friday November 14, 1997_

Another round of school. Goody. I frowned and looked down. The notebook was in my hands like Dru had been afraid I wouldn’t read it otherwise.

_Dear Buffy-_

_I know you’re hurting right now and mad at me, but we need to put it aside for a minute. Something is wrong with Giles. He didn’t show last night for the blood delivery. I seriously would have been in a bind if Angel hadn’t showed. I’d like to pretend it was for me but I think he was there for the blood, which answers a pretty big question. I had to act all innocent and gave him the blood cooler saying something about him getting it back to the right people. Do you think he’d really believe me dumb enough not to know he was going to take it home?_

_Much more concerning was the fact that I stopped by Giles’ apartment afterwards to check on him and he was distracted and gave me the brush off. Something is wrong. Very wrong.  Please help._

_PLEASE-_

_Dru_

The last please was circled, underlined and had several stars by it.

The knot in my stomach loosened a fraction. I could I stay super mad at her when she so obviously cared about my Watcher?

Giles. My vision.

I grabbed some toast on the way out the door to keep my mom happy. Crumbs flew everywhere as I wolfed it down. Once done I flat out ran to school.

I had to find my watcher.

Breathless and sweating I arrived in the Library. “Giles, we need to talk.”

****

Back in my bedroom I was sitting cross-legged on the bed with the notebook on my lap while I tapped my black pen against the still empty lines. Sunset was drawing closer and I had no idea what to tell Dru.

It’d taken some strong arming of the ‘I already know so tell me’ sort to get my Watcher to fess up. Well, that and walking over and tearing the sleeve of his shirt so he couldn’t hide the tattoo. Telling him it was the Mark of Eyghon and that I needed to know what was going on with him really did the trick. Everything had come spilling out after that.

 We still didn’t have a plan for defeating Eyghon, but that wasn’t what really what was bothering me. Giles had been keeping secrets. Really big, huge, ginormous secrets. Even when his past had come knocking on his door he hadn’t wanted to give them up. It’d put all of us in more danger than we would have been otherwise.

I sucked on my lip. Not even I could avoid seeing the parallels there. Only the timing just wasn’t right. We were already dealing with one demonic crisis, and I was still an emotional wreck. While I could be wrong, I was pretty sure that shoving your face in a guy’s laundry so you could smell him constituted not being over him. Not that I ever really expected to be over him. Unless he started eating my friends and family. Which, honestly, was kind of a real possibility.

God. Why couldn’t I have fallen for the captain of the football team? Then I could have worn his class ring and letter jacket, not to mention have a date to the prom. Trying to keep your date from munching on the other couples didn’t have the same appeal. Also, it’d probably be easier to fly to Mars than to get Spike to wear a tuxedo.   

The problem with Mr. Football Guy is that he’d never understand my world or my need to go out and slay. My need for violence. He wouldn’t be patient with me no matter what, take care of me, or make me the center of his world. There’d be no hours of being read to or nights spent watching bad TV while both our mouths ran a mile a minute. It was impossible to imagine any of the guys on the Sunnydale High Football Team being able to turn a kiss into an art form, and most of them probably didn’t know how to make a woman feel worshiped.   

I had to quit it. He’d done all that for Dru, not me. As Buffy I was nothing more than another dead Slayer notch to add to his belt. I needed to have a real conversation with Spike and lay it all out on the line. Since we were so good with the talking. I sighed and picked at the lint on my bedspread. Couldn’t he at least come to me and ask me when or how long? Why did he have to be so dense?

This note needed to hurry up and get written.

_Hi Dru,_

_I’m still mad, but like you said I’m trying to put it aside to help Giles. I had a vision last night and I had to really take Giles to task to get him to admit a bunch of stuff. It turns out that when he was in college he was involved in some bad stuff which included summoning a demon called Eyghon. Now it’s back and trying to take out the people, including Giles, that messed with it in the past. It needs a body as a host, and it can jump from host to host when it feels threatened, but that person has to be dead or unconscious._

_We haven’t come up yet with a plan to take it out. Ideas? Also watch out- in my vision you or I were being held captive and possibly tortured.  It’s regular patrol tonight, just be extra careful out there._

_-Buffy_

That’d have to do. She was plenty older than I was, surely she’d have some clue about how to stop it, or she might just ask Angel. Which would involve talking to him. I probably couldn’t be civil while discussing the weather with him at the moment so it was better to let Dru and her melty love eyes do the talking.

****

For a moment I was completely disorientated because I was sitting cross-legged on a bed. I almost thought that the power had just gone out and I still was at the house, but no, the smell said factory. The fact that I could tell where I was by the smell also said I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

I took stock. Still dark, still alone, still hungry, still exhausted, and still wearing nothing but Spike’s old t-shirt. I was contemplating going and sniffing out a new one when the door lock clicked. I flinched away as the harsh hallway light streamed into the room. When my eyes adjusted I found myself speechless.

Dalton had his back to me and was dragging an extremely bedraggled Spike into the room by his armpits. He propped the unconscious vampire so he was sitting up against the wall next to the door.

“Is he hurt?” I gasped. Concern shredded any resolve I had about remaining aloof.

“No.” Dalton leaned over, contemplating the other man’s slack face for a moment. “He’s just drunk.”

“Oh.” It didn’t really surprise me. However, Dalton vamping out and slapping Spike so hard across the cheek that the opposite one hit the wall did stun me. I squeaked in protest. Dalton turned yellow eyes towards me and pointed a finger to indicate I should stay where I was. The set of his shoulders was ridged underneath his primly starched white dress shirt.

Spike started to stir and after a few moments he blinked his eyes open.

Immediately he grabbed his head with both hands, groaning and massaging his temples. “Bloody hell, can’t a bloke even pass out in peace around here?”

Dalton’s voice was low and laced with warning as he spoke. “Spike, Mistress Drusilla, I don’t know what is going on between you two, but I have more than had enough. It stops tonight.” Spike snorted but Dalton was unfazed. “Spike, you’re not going to spend another night sleeping dead drunk on the table, and Mistress.” He swung around to face me and his eyes softened. “You cannot spend another night in here weeping alone. If you absolutely cannot talk to this idiot, come and find me. He’s so soused even I could make a punching bag out of him.” I nodded and Dalton stormed out of the room, slamming the heavy door behind him.

“It’s dark,” Spike said after a few moments.

“No shit, Sherlock.”  I rolled my eyes even though I knew he couldn’t see me.

“Why haven’t you turned the lights on?”

A fair question with zero answers. “I didn’t want to,” I grumbled.

There was a loud sigh. “Will you turn the ruddy lights on?”

“You didn’t say please.”

“Dru-“

“Buffy!” I snapped with more bite than I meant to.

There was another sigh. “Right. Buffy, would you be so good as to turn the lights on. Please.”

“Fine.” I coaxed my demon out so I wouldn’t hit my shins on anything. Standing up none too steadily I took two steps and yanked on the chain for the bulb near the closet. My legs were weak and started to give out on me after only walking that far and I didn’t quite make it back to the bed before I collapsed, as gracefully as I could, to the floor. The demon receded.

I was able to scooch over so I was leaning against the side of the bed, right at the end, facing Spike. In the dim light from the single bulb I drank in the sight of my vampire.

He looked terrible.

His normally immaculate hair was greasy and hanging in limp curls. He was pale with dry lips and dark circles around his eyes. His duster looked the same as always, but his shirt was dirty and had what looked like mustard and salsa stains down the front. He smelled like a brewery.  His jeans were torn and he was missing his boots.

I wanted to launch myself into his arms.

Instead, to my horror, my face crumpled up and I started crying. More tears, just what I needed.  

Spike dropped his head into his hands.

“Shut your bloody gob, Slayer! What’s wrong? Do you miss your mummy?”

“Shut up, Spike,” I mumbled through my tears.

He snorted, his blue eyes finding mine. “Once we get this little problem sorted out, I’m going to tear you, your mother, and your blasted friends limb from limb. Your Watcher will be picking up what’s left of you with a sponge!”

“Yeah? I’d like to see you do it from inside the dustbuster that’s going to be your final resting place!”

We both crossed our arms over our chests and looked at different corners of the room.

I fumed for a good long while. At least the tears had stopped.

When I finally stopped contemplating the cobwebs and risked turning back to Spike, it was only to find that he’d passed out again. His head was tilted back and his mouth was hanging wide open. It wasn’t his best look. I giggled.

With a concerted effort I managed to drag the quilt down the bed until I could reach the pillow lying on top of it. I picked it up, aimed, and let fly.

The resultant thwack and Spike’s yelp of “Bloody Hell!” were more than worth it.

“What was that for?” he grumbled.

“You were drooling.”

“Was not!”

I rolled my eyes at him as he surreptitiously wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Sighing he picked up the pillow from where it’d fallen, fluffed it and wedged it between his head and the side of the small chest of drawers beside him. He settled himself with his arms across his chest and both knees pulled up. His eyelids drooped back closed.

“Spike?” I asked quietly.

“What’s it now, Slayer?” He didn’t even bother looking at me.

“When are you going to ask me the right question?” I felt very small.

“And pray tell what does your righteous, stick-up-the-arse self think is the right bloody question?”

“Your evil, stupid, drunk self is going to have to figure that out on your own!”

“Fine. I’ll do it later. Now stop being annoying.”

“You first.”

The corners of his mouth quirked up ever so slightly before sleep claimed him again. I leaned against the side of the bed. My eyes fluttered open after what felt like seconds but my vamp senses told me that dawn was several hours closer. I ran my tongue over my cracked lips. The thirst would be almost unbearable if I wasn’t so tired.

I looked up at Spike. His arms were slack at his sides, his legs were straight out and he was actually drooling on the pillow.

I ached to touch him.

On my hands and knees I inched over to him. Gently, I pressed a brief kiss to the top of his foot then curled up with my head resting on his ankle. It was better than nothing.


	15. Storm

There's so much that we need to share

             -Goo Goo Dolls, “Give a Little Bit”

****

_Saturday, November 15, 1997_

I was sitting on my floor, a half-whittled stake in my hand.

That was a weird thing for Drusilla to be doing. The notebook was next to me so I put the stake down and picked it up, leaning back against my bed.

_Dear Buffy-_

_I hung out with Jenny some last night. She’s an excellent teacher and I feel much more comfortable around computers now. She also really likes Giles and I think they’re sweet together. I was able to give her some insider information about him while we had coffee. I told her about my “Slayer Dreams” regarding him and we both agreed he shouldn’t be alone. Together we went to his apartment to work on the plan for stopping this demon. I strongly suggested we involve Angel, as I think we could get Eyghon to jump to his body and I can assure you that Angelus would win that fight. I phoned Angel and asked him to meet us at sundown at the school. Cordelia, Willow, Xander and Jenny will be there for a make-up computer class. You’re supposed to meet them this morning as soon as you can._

_I’m glad we can work together on this._

_Love, Dru_

_P.S. Don’t give up on Spike_

It was odd to have Dru be better friends with Ms. Calendar than I was. Hopefully my teacher wouldn’t want to run back through any conversations from last night that I had no way of remembering since I’d been basically unconscious at the factory.

Oh crap, Lorenzo! I hadn’t fed him! I jumped up, heart hammering. He’d be okay, it was just one night. I tried to sooth my nerves. There was always water left over, and sometimes even food. Surely one night of neglect wouldn’t kill him. I felt so terrible. One little life I was responsible for and I forgot him.

My mom was already in the kitchen when I came downstairs, the morning paper spread out on the counter in front of her. I grabbed a bowl of cereal and read the comics, the obituaries, and finally the TV guide section. Huh, Night Court marathon tonight. Spike would probably like that, if we could get out of snark-land long enough for me to mention it.

I sighed loudly.

“Still having boy trouble?” Mom asked, looking up from the business section.

“He’s a stupid jerk,” I mumbled. A stupid jerk that probably wouldn’t remember to feed the bird either. I rinsed off my plate and fought back the threatening tears.

Mom gave me a hug from behind, squeezing me tight. “I’m sure it’s not worth you being upset over him.”

“He’s really not.” Well, mostly not. Why’d he have to be all good looking, with soft lips, and not soft other things. My hand curled loosely at my side. I was getting to be a really huge perv.  It wasn’t that Spike hadn’t been caring and sweet after Angel had done a number on my psyche. I should think about that instead, focus on how he made my heart burst when he whispered to me:

_Tell me again…_

“I love you.” My lips formed the words without saying them out loud.

Damn it. I was still a mess. I had to get going and concentrate on Giles or he’d end up dead.

I told my mom that I was helping with Ms. Calendar’s extra computer class, then headed up to the school. It was going to be a long day.

****

The situation had completely blown up in our faces. Before I knew it I had a chaos magician under guard that I had to pretend I’d seen before and a zombie in the bookcage. Eyghon didn’t look so hot when he was possessing a dead body.

I was so mad at Giles for keeping his ‘Ripper’ persona under wraps and never mentioning the whole Eyghon thing until it came calling. Only I couldn’t be mad because my secret was ten times worse. I was never going to be able to tell him. What the hell would I say? _“Hey! I’ve been switching bodies with Drusilla and while she’s been going out on patrol I’ve been busy falling in love with Spike! Are we all cool with that?”_

Yup, that’d go over real well.

I kept poking at the zombie to distract myself. It was a demon in a dead body, so why was it so different from a vampire? The body was just a puppet on a string for Eyghon. It moved clumsily and was continuing to do the whole rotting thing. Such a wonderful smell.

Vampires were downright alive compared to that. I suspected that my Watcher, and even my friends, wouldn’t see it that way. When Dru was in my body and sucking face with Angel they saw it as being the same as if I was making out with that corpse in there.

I didn’t know how to explain the difference. I was a vampire half of the time. I still knew who I was, had the normal range of feelings and emotions. Drusilla’s body felt like mine when I was in it, not some dead meat puppet, and while I knew some vampires were completely ruled by their demon, for me it felt much more like a partnership.

I poked the zombie again with the end of a sword, causing it to roar and swing at the cage.

Nope, I was nothing like that.

As sundown approached and we waited on Angel I pulled the little notebook from my pocket.

_Dru-_

_We’re waiting on Angel to take on Eyghon. I hope you’re right and this works._

_-Buffy_

I tucked the book back into my pocket and everything went to hell. I wasn’t entirely sure what happened. One second everything was boring and the next the zombie had attacked and ended up in an unconscious Jenny who fled before we could stop her. Ethan Rayne had used the confusion to escape, and everyone was yelling at once.

I got sent after Ethan, with instructions to check the shop he’d had set up at Halloween. I’d had to pretend to have a dumb blonde moment and ask for directions. I was in full run down the pavement when the sun sank below the horizon.

****

Oh god. I felt awful.

I kept my eyes screwed shut. I was still exhausted, weaker than a kitten, and starving. My throat burned with thirst, but sleep was calling me. The position I’d been laying in, on my back, felt terribly uncomfortable. I rolled over on my side so my body was straighter. I sighed and relaxed against my pillow. It smelled comfortingly of Spike and I buried my nose against it as I let slumber wash away all my other problems.

****

It couldn’t have been more than an hour or so later that I was awoken by hands roughly shaking me.

“Slayer!”

“Go away Spike, I’m sleeping.”

“Right, you stupid bint, that’s the problem!”

“How can that possibly…” I trailed off as I opened my eyes.

Oh…

Hell.

As I’d slept I’d worked my way up his leg and was now lying with my head snuggled against his crotch. With a startled ‘eep!’ I sat up fast enough to make my head spin. I scuttled backwards until I bumped into the foot of the bed. Spike was smirking at me. I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Uh-uh, luv. None of that unless you’re planning on using it.”

“Pig.”

“You started it!”

“Did not!”

“Did to!”

We were saved from complete degeneration into preschoolers by Dalton’s timely arrival. He came in bearing two large Styrofoam cups, and the spicy smell of the blood made my eyes roll back in my head. The cup was hardly in my hand before my fangs were down and I was gulping huge mouthfuls of the sweet stuff.  I tipped my head way back to get the last drops. I eyed the bottom of the empty cup and sighed.

“A little hungry?” Spike asked with a raised eyebrow while he took a drink from his own cup.

I tried to come up with a good comeback as the warm blood trickled its way through my system.

“What do you think?” Dalton’s voice dripped venom and his hands were curled into fists. “You lock her in here for days and did you even once bring her something to eat?”

Both of Spike’s eyebrows shot up. So that was a no. He hadn’t even thought of it, because I was the Slayer interloper in his precious Dru’s body. I turned my head so I was staring at the quilt. I didn’t want to see whatever emotions would be playing out on his face. The ‘I miss Dru and love her so much’ emotions. Blech.

“Hey.”  My eyes flickered back over to him. He was holding out his cup to me while studiously contemplating the floor.  I was too hungry to be bitchy about it. I reached out to take the cup and our fingers brushed for a second. There was an electric jolt up my arm at the contact and he must have felt it too, because our stunned gazes locked for a brief moment before sliding away to safer areas of the room. Eagerly, I chugged the rest of the blood. I felt a million times better when I was done and held out a hand to Dalton so he could help me stand.

Once on my feet I headed to Lorenzo’s cage. He looked at me with doleful eyes and I felt like trash. He had his feathers poofed up and was huddled up against the reflective piece of metal in his cage. I swallowed hard. He had been lonely. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I’d left him in the dark and had forgotten to feed him. I snuck a glance at Spike who was yawning and inching his way up the wall.

“Mistress, let me get that.” Dalton hastened to my side. He directed me to sit on the bed and then took care of all the bird-related chores. Once done he fixed me with a hard look. “This book I’m supposed to be translating for you isn’t making much sense and I could use some fresh eyes, if you’d care to join me after you get dressed.”  Holding himself ramrod straight he ignored Spike as he walked past him. The bleach blond made a rude gesture at Dalton’s back as he walked out the door, so it didn’t surprise me that when the historian tossed Spike’s boots into the room they both managed to hit the hungover vamp. I put a hand over my mouth to suppress a laugh.

“You won’t find it a giggle when I tear your soddin’ head off, Slayer,” he growled.

“No, but you might laugh when I tickle your unbeating heart with the business end of a stake.”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Well, this was going swimmingly.

Spike stood up and massaged his temples with the fingers of one hand. I didn’t envy him the hangover.

“I hate you,” he spat before wrenching the door open. He paused in the doorway as if waiting for a reply. I didn’t have one for him. Instead I stared down at the quilt, tracing the lace trim with one finger. He slammed the door hard enough to shake the frame.

“Love you,” I whispered to the empty room.

I tapped my toes for a few minutes, but quickly got bored with sitting still. I pulled off the t-shirt and dropped it back onto Spike’s pile of dirty clothes. I grabbed the first dress I could find in the closet that was a simple pull over. It was dark red, fit like a glove and most importantly it didn’t require a second person to pull up a zipper or fasten the buttons.

I was making the bed when Spike walked back in. He had a towel around his hips and was drying his hair with another. He seemed to be pretending I didn’t exist. It was tempting to do the same back, though my eyes seemed to have a mind of their own. The play of muscles in his arms as he rubbed at his curls was mesmerizing. My fingers twitched with the desire to run them over his chest and back.

“Spike?”

His eyes slid over to me. I had no idea what to say. He dropped the wet towel he’d been using on his hair onto the floor.  

“Tell me about the two Slayers you’ve killed.”

His scarred eyebrow shot up.

“You looking for a play-by-play? Trying to figure out how to beat the Big Bad?”

“Mmm, not really.” I followed him as him walked into the closet, though I turned my back when he went to discard the second towel. It was no use torturing myself. “The books just say you’ve killed two Slayers. I was looking for the actual stories, the whens and wheres.”

“Are you bloody serious?” He brushed past me, jeans on and shirt in hand. I trailed behind him. “Those wankers don’t have the details down?” I shook my head. “That’s a travesty! I can’t…“ He ground his teeth together. “You tell your tweed-wearing poof of a Watcher that he needs to remedy that.”

“I’m sure Giles will be glad to know all the specifics. You will tell me, right? I thought hearing about them might be able to knock the memories lose up here.” I tapped my temple. “You do know potentials dream of the deaths of previous Slayers, right?”

“Really?” He cocked his head to the side. “So itty-bitty Buffy could have been having nightmares about ol’ Spike?”

“Probably.” I ducked my head so he couldn’t see my eyes rotate in their sockets. Play nice, Buffy, I reminded myself.

“Well then, let’s see what past uglies we can dredge up.”

He gestured for me to sit so I parked my behind on the vanity bench and settled in for the long haul. If there was one thing my vampire could talk about to anyone, it was himself.

****

He ranged all over the room as he told me his story, and I couldn’t help but grin at his antics as he made sure I was really paying attention before he’d describe a certain move or change in strategy.

When he was nearly done he came and put one booted foot up on the bench beside me. I placed my interlaced hands on his knee, and then rested my chin on top of my fingers.

“At the end there she knew she was done. She didn’t even try to push me off as I snapped her neck.” He shook his head, then leaned forward and tapped the side of my head. “Anything loosened up in there?”

“I think I remember dreaming the light and dark of the lights in the subway, and maybe the feel of my spine snapping.” I rubbed the back of my neck and Spike grinned in triumph.

“I’d like to see,” I whispered. Unlacing one hand I held it out to him.

“You can do that? Like Dru?” His brows drew together and he frowned at me.

“Duh, I did it with Ford. The Chinese girl first.”

Spike looked at my hand for a moment, then wrapped his own around my wrist and tugged it until my palm was resting over his static heart and covered my hand with his own. The battle was fierce, but even if I hadn’t already known he’d win the outcome was immediately obvious to me. She didn’t have the skill to beat him. I pushed the vision away once Drusilla showed up in it. I really didn’t need to see that.

“Now the other girl,” I breathed.

His eyes never left mine as I moved my hand from under his. Hesitantly, I brought it up to cup his cheek, my thumb brushing over his slightly parted lips. Nicki was much more skilled than the other girl. She nearly had him a time or two. I was uncomfortably turned on by the whole thing.

If I had to die…

My hand dropped back to my lap as the vision left me.  We continued to stare at each other long past the point of comfort. I was the first to look away.

“Y’know, I totally could have beaten you. Both times.”

He scoffed. “Right. Tiny little thing like you?”

“Totally. I’m way better, and oh my god, in China, what the hell was up with your hair?”

“It looked just fine for the time. Thank you very much.” He’d crossed his arms over his chest and was frowning.

“And how did you get that eyeliner on? You were wearing more makeup than I do.”

He looked down and sighed. “Dru would do it. It was part of the whole scene.”

I made a noncommittal noise and picked up the hair brush to try and bring some order to the rat’s nest on my head. “I guess I can see how it’d be pretty hard to get it even without a mirror. It’s actually kind of sweet. Did you do hers for her?”

“Yeah. She liked to get prettied up and go sit in the clubs while I hunted.” His eyes were far away, remembering past glories. When they returned to me he heaved another sigh and held out his hand. “Let me, Slayer, I think you’re just making it worse.”

He moved to stand behind me. The first stroke of the brush made my eyes roll back in pleasure. In less than a minute I’d forgotten myself completely. I gripped the edge of the bench with both hands and squirmed under his ministrations. Evil superpower. A completely unintentional moan escaped my lips.

The brush clattered to the floor.

I twisted on the bench and saw Spike wide-eyed and trembling.

“What’s wrong?” I ran a hand over my hair.

“Slayer.” His chest heaved. I raised my eyebrows. He licked his lips and tried again. “Slayer, how long have you been here?”

“Now you ask the right question,” I muttered. Spike took another step back. “I’m not here all the time. During the day, when the sun’s up, Drusilla is here and I’m in my regular body. The second the sun sets we switch.” I shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know why.”

He took another step back. “And how long have you two been switching?”

I looked him straight in the eye. “The night you attacked the school was the first time. We’ve switched each and every sunset since then.”

I don’t know what I’d been expecting. Anger, yelling, things being smashed maybe. What I wanted was for him to fall to his knees and tell me he was sorry, that he’d love me forever and that we’d live happily ever after. I couldn’t have guessed what the Big Bad actually did: tucked tail and ran.  As he grabbed his duster and fled out the door he yelled something garbled about needing to kill someone.

I retrieved the brush and finished my hair before leaving the room to go find Dalton.

He was sitting at the table, glass of blood in hand and the book with my supposed cure in it open in front of him.

I sat down next to him.

“Thanks for your help,” I said quietly.

“You’re welcome. I…I shouldn’t have overstepped my bounds like that. I’m sorry. I just, I couldn’t…I didn’t want to see you hurting.” His eyes remained fixed on the table.

“Don’t be sorry. You did help. A lot.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.” He finally looked up at me. “What happened? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as in love as you two and then it just fell apart in seconds.”

I had to tell him. Dalton was my friend. He didn’t deserve to be in the dark any longer.

“I’ll tell you, but you probably won’t like me afterwards.”

“Did you cheat on him?”

“What? No!”

“Sorry, he just seems really possessive and it’s about the worse thing I could imagine you doing to him, and it did seem like he was upset with you, not the other way around.”

I sighed. “It’s way wonkier than that. I’m the Slayer.”

Dalton blinked. Once.

“Crap. Dru’s crazy and that probably sounds like something she say, but me and her have been switching bodies. So, Hi! I’m Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” I smiled at him, feeling like an idiot.

“For how long?”

I rolled my eyes. “At least somebody has a brain. Since the end of September. During the day we’re in our regular bodies, then from sundown to sunup we’re switched.”

His brow crinkled. “Well, I guess that’s why you don’t know French.”

“Yup. I’m a regular ol’ valley girl and not an insane vampire from Europe.” I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them. Above me one of the windows slammed shut as a gust of wind hit it and I could hear rain pitter pattering on the glass.

“So why do you have me teaching you?”

“You’re way better than my teachers at school, and I kind of like you. I know this is all really weird.”

Dalton was sitting up straight, grinning. “I’m really better than your regular teachers?”

“By a mile.” The noise from the rain got louder. I looked over at the factory door, worried about Spike being caught out in the weather. “Can we still be friends?” My voice was tiny.

“I don’t know. Are you going to stake me?”

I frowned and glanced back at him. He’d crossed his arms and a teasing smile was playing around his lips. “Only if you’re annoying.”

“Well, I’m probably safe then.” He held out his hand. “Friends?”

“Friends.” I confirmed, shaking his hand.

A blast of wind hit and the whole factory groaned with it. I looked again at the door. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Spike wasn’t far away.

“I guess we should work on that book,” I said with a sigh.

“I’m going to work on it. You’re going to walk out that door and talk to your guy.”

I shot him an alarmed look.

“I’m not wrong, am I? It’s you that loves him, not Drusilla.”

“You’re not wrong.” I sat up straighter. “It’s just such a messed up situation. A vampire and a Slayer? That’s not supposed to happen.”

“That’s love for you. I think I might know a bit about loving someone you’re not ‘supposed’ to.”

“Arthur.” I gripped Dalton’s hand. “You still owe me that talk, mister.”

He nodded, then jerked his head towards the door. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

I surprised him by hauling him out of his chair and giving him a hug. He froze for a minute, then hugged me back

I let him go and he made a shooing motion towards the door. “Thank you!” I called over my shoulder as I hurried to find my vampire.

****

Outside the rain was hammering down and puddles were growing into lakes on the cracked pavement. I sloshed through them, my dress and hair completely soaked by the time I’d taken three steps outside the door.  He was standing just a little further on, by what may have once been a sign for the factory. He was facing away from me and had his head thrown back and eyes closed while the storm raged around him.

I stopped an arm’s length away and waited.

“What do you want?” He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I need to know what you’re thinking.”

Spike snorted. “That I’m an idiot.”

“I know that.”

He glanced at me over his shoulder, lips turned up almost imperceptibly at the corners. Then his eyes slid shut and he shook his head, turning back to the wind and rain again.

I pursed me lips. Did he have to be this annoying and stubborn? “So tell me why you think you’re an idiot.”

One shoulder hunched up and down. “You’re nothing like her.”

“Yeah, I make a piss-poor centuries old crazy vampire. So sue me.”

He spun on his heel and took a step forward, crowding into my personal space with a growl. I didn’t flinch. “How could I have ever mistaken you—a dimwitted, shallow, ignorant whore—for my dark princess.”

Ouch.

Both of his hands clamped onto my shoulders, his fingers digging in hard. “You are nothing.” He shook me. “A little liar playing with things she doesn’t understand.”

My fingers circled his wrists. I looked up at him. His face was ridged with fury. “Tell yourself whatever story you need to so you’ll feel better. I’ll forgive you.” His eyes narrowed. “And I’m sorry, Spike.” At the sound of his name his head cocked over to the side. “You’re right, I was acting like a foolish young girl. I knew if I told you the truth this is what would happen. I was selfish. I wanted everything that a Slayer never gets to have.”

“What things?” The pressure from his fingers eased up so that he was just resting his hands on my shoulders now. “You’re already different from other Slayers. You’ve got friends and family. I found that out firsthand when your mum took an ax to my head.”

“Mom’s pretty cool like that, and I’m grateful to my friends, my mom, and my Watcher, but even with them it’s still pretty lonely. They always expect me to be strong. I’m the supergirl that stands alone against the universe. These last few weeks are the first time I ever felt like someone cared about just me and not what I could do for them.” I sighed and my eyes fell away from his face. “I liked being cared for, having someone else make sure that I was safe and happy. At first I told myself that I was doing reconnaissance to learn all about your evil plans.” Spike looked heavenward and I snickered. “But soon I had to admit to myself I just liked being here.” I tightened my grip on his wrists. “You’re pretty good company,” I whispered. “And not so bad to look at.” He smirked. “I’m sure it makes me the worst Slayer in the history of the world, but I wasn’t lying on Halloween or any of the nights after.”

He wrenched his hands away from me and stumbled backwards. I hung my head, wet hair falling in front of my face. “I’m sorry I’m not Drusilla, that I’m not who you wanted.”

The puddle I was standing in was already up to my ankles. Spike stepped hesitantly back towards me, his boots churning mud up into the water, making clouds under the rain-pelted surface. His hands cupped either side of my chin and gently tugged my face upwards until our gazes met and held. His eyes, black in the night, bored into mine until it felt more like he was more looking inside me than at me. I silently willed him to see Buffy, the real me, and not the mask I was wearing. My nerves frayed and snapped and tears leaked from the corners of my eyes to join the rain. I shuddered beneath his hands and scrutiny as I tried to push as much love as I could into my face.

Please! Let him see it. Let him see me.

With a harsh gasp Spike’s hands let go of my face and wound around me to crush me to his chest. I trembled again and his embrace tightened. I wrapped my arms around his waist under his coat, hugging him back for all that I was worth.

We stood, in the rain and the wind, drenched and confused, but no longer alone.

I snuggled my head into the crook of his neck and he rested his cheek against my drenched hair.

“What do we do now?” His voice was soft and low.

I decided to ignore that he might be asking a big, metaphorical, rhetorical question. “There’s a Night Court marathon on channel 18 tonight. I saw it in the newspaper’s TV listings this morning when I was eating breakfast with my mom.”

“You were in the daylight, with your mum, and you thought of me?” His voice hitched at the end and I could feel his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard.

“Well, yeah. Duh. I kind of think in Spike now. The marathon runs all night so plenty of episodes left.”

“Even after what I did and…what I said.” He was shaking. I tilted my head back to look up at him. The rain had washed the gel out his hair and plastered the wet curls to his head. His eyes were screwed shut and with the downpour I couldn’t tell if he was crying or not.

I put a hand on his face. “Spike?”

“Buffy,” he whispered and my knees went weak like I was the heroine in some sappy romance novel. He pressed his face against my palm. “She’d never do that.” I didn’t need to ask who ‘she’ was. “Not once did she ever do something because I’d like it, or think of me when I wasn’t right there.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or himself, but jealousy gnawed at me regardless. I wanted him thinking of me, not her.

“Did she ever eat a raccoon for you? Because that was really gross.” I made a face. “It was all damp fur and hardly enough blood to get a mouthful.”

Spike chuckled, the sound warm and comforting. “Let’s go inside and get dried off and we’ll see what season they’re showing.” He let go of me and started for the door of the factory. I hurried to keep up with him but ended up tripping and nearly landed flat on my face. Spike’s hands caught me and hefted me up into his arms. “None of that now,” he chided.

The door to the factory flew open with a bang as Spike kicked it, keeping his arms banded around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder. The minions scurried out of his way as he strode across the factory floor. I caught sight of Dalton, who was still sitting at the table. Smiling, I winked at him to let him know I was okay and he gave me a thumbs up in return.  

Once back in our room Spike set me down and headed for the closet. He threw me a towel and a dress. I quickly stripped off the soaked clothes I had on and dried off. However, I dumped the dress onto my chair and instead grabbed one of Spike’s shirts and pulled it on. I scrambled under the quilt so it covered my legs and lap as I leaned back against the headboard.

Spike came out of the closet wearing nothing but a pair of black sweatpants that didn’t look like they were going to stay on his hips.

Guh.

I couldn’t look away as he sauntered to the TV and bent over to coax the old set onto the right channel. Under the covers I rubbed my legs together while the butterflies in my stomach practiced gymnastics. Once the channel was coming in clear he tossed himself on the bed and scooted up so that his head and shoulders were propped up against the headboard while the rest of him remained sprawled out over the quilt. One hand was casually splayed over his abdomen. I would have thought he was just getting comfortable, except for little smirk playing over his lips.

Evil vampire!

I punched his shoulder. “Quit it!”

“Quit what?” He looked at me all wide-eyed and trying to appear innocent. Someone needed to tell him he really couldn’t pull off innocent.

“You know what!” I groused, crossing my arms over my chest.

He grinned and waggled his eyebrows at me. “See something you like, pet?”

“The episode that’s on. It’s the one where they all accidently get assigned to Day Court.” I pointedly wrenched my eyes away from the half-naked vampire next to me and focused on the screen.

“That’s a good one,” he agreed.

We sat in silence until one of the characters was hailed with a cheery “Good morning!”

“What a strange way to greet someone!” Spike and I said the next line of dialog simultaneously and we both laughed, more at each other than the show.

Uncertainly, I glanced over at him, and he was doing the same, looking at me like I might disappear at any moment. Slowly he stretched out one arm so that his hand was halfway between us. I looked back at the screen but let my own hand creep out. Our fingertips just brushed. Neither of us tried to push the contact any further.

For right now, it was enough, a little tentative connection that felt like the whole world.

Towards morning my eyelids grew heavy and I snuggled down under the quilt. Spike’s hand never left mine as I drifted off to sleep.

****

_Sunday, November 16, 1997_

I woke up fully clothed and stretched out face down on my pink comforter. The notebook was by my head. Bleary-eyed, I sat up and read Dru’s note.

Oh, that’s right, Eyghon. Had that really only been yesterday? Everything had shifted and changed since then. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

_Dear Buffy-_

_What a fiasco. I didn’t know for sure what I was supposed to do. Then Ethan Rayne showed up and managed to get the jump on me and knock me out. I woke up all tied up and we would have had a new tattoo if Angel hadn’t shown up at the school immediately after sunset and been able to quickly track me down. As it was Angel stopped Ethan and was able to threaten Jenny without hurting her when she showed up with Eyghon inside of her. The demon made the jump to him and just like I said Angelus was victorious in no time. He was glorious!_

_I couldn’t stop staring at Angel after he untied me. We have a date all set up for next Saturday night. I can hardly wait! What do you think I should wear? Can you get a manicure tomorrow? Light pink please, I think he’d really like that._

_Don’t forget your mom’s in San Francisco on a buying trip, she left early this morning and won’t be back until Thursday._

_Love,_

_Dru_

She was going on a date with Angel and wanted me to get ready for it. Really? I was still mad at her for how she outed me to Spike, though I grudgingly had to agree that things were better with him knowing who I was.

I groaned and tossed the notebook on the bed, stomping off to the shower. Once I was clean I put on an old pair of white jean shorts and a pink tank top. I settled for finger combing my hair up into a ponytail. I needed to do my weekend chores and finish some homework that I’d gotten woefully behind in.

I was just about to turn the radio on and get started on the dishes when there was a frantic knocking on my front door.

Leaving my yellow rubber dishwashing gloves on, I went to see who it was. I opened the door ready to tell someone off for bothering me so early, only to find a slightly singed vampire standing on my front porch.

“Spike!”


	16. Homefront

I think I've found my way home

             -Savage Garden, “I Knew I Loved You”

****

_Sunday, November 16, 1997_

“Spike!”

I stared, my brain refusing to work. My vampire was on my porch. He was right there, right in front of me.

“I brought you something.” His coat was wrapped tightly around him, his body stiff, his jaw clenched.

“Right.”

“Here.” Never taking his eye off me he bent over slightly to grab something beside the door, setting it down with a flourish on the welcome mat.

It was a bird cage. With a bird…

“Lorenzo!” I shrieked. Spike sagged and a grin lit up his face. He looked relieved.  I picked up the cage and placed it inside. Since the goldfish incident I hadn’t been allowed to keep any pets, but surely I could figure out a way to convince Mom that this one was a keeper. I crouched down next to the cage, sliding a finger over the parrot’s bright green feathers.

“You know, you really need to quit treating him as the canary in a coal mine. You could have just asked me something to check and see if it was real.”

Spike was glancing over his shoulder at where his monstrosity of a car was parked by the curb.  “The little bugger deserved more than to be just kept inside in the dark. I figured this would be better for him.” He took a step back, ignoring what else I’d said. “I should go, daylight and all.”

I panicked. He’d come through the sunlight to my porch, but it was only steadily getting brighter.  He’d burn. I grabbed his sleeve. “Spike, no! Get in here!” I yanked him over the threshold and into the foyer, slamming the door closed. I turned the deadbolt and found myself shoved hard against wood surface. I’d turned my back on a vampire. Not the brightest move. Spike was using his whole body to pin me. He seemed a lot taller and broader than usual, which really served to remind me that I was my own, regular, Buffy-shaped self.  My Slayer senses were going haywire as Spike brought his fangs in close to my throat. My heart was pounding, but I knew he wasn’t going to bite. This had to be some weird, vestigial, Slayer versus vampire thing we needed to get out of our systems.

He was so in for it.

I snapped my elbows back, pushing him away from me far enough that I was able to drop straight down out of his hold. I scooted quickly to the left and brought my leg around hard behind his knees, sending him onto his ass. Rolling back around and on top of him, I straddled his stomach and used my knees to hold his arms down. One hand was squeezed around his neck and the other held a pencil that’d been lying forgotten on the floor. I hovered my makeshift stake over his heart.

Spike didn’t look scared, or even slightly worried. His eyes were glazed over and directed not at my face or the impromptu stake that was clutched in my hand, but somewhere in between. He was looking down my shirt. He was ogling me while I huffed and puffed like the big bad wolf, had my unbrushed hair in a messy ponytail, no make-up, and– oh, god– had my hands in yellow, vinyl kitchen gloves. One of which I was currently using to squeeze his throat.

Acutely embarrassed, I scrambled off him, stripping the gloves and throwing them in the general direction of the kitchen.  

He rolled over on his side and propped himself up on one elbow, cocking an eyebrow at me. “Everything okay?”

“I’m a mess!”

A second eyebrow joined the first.

“I wasn’t expected company.” I toed the edge of the throw mat, silently cursing the chipped polish on my toenails.

“Ah.” He stood up. “You look fine, luv. Not fit to greet the Queen or anything, but definitely a sight for sore eyes.”

“I should go change or something.”

“No need to go get all dolled up on my account.”

I eyed him. He had a clean pair of jeans with no holes or wear showing, a fresh out of the package looking t-shirt, and a silky black button down on under his duster. There weren’t even any scuff marks on the boots he was wearing. His hair was neatly combed and must have had a gallon of gel in it, as not a single strand looked out of place despite our scrap. “You did.”

He frowned and opened his mouth.

“I can tell when you’re lying,” I said quickly, before he tried.

He pouted slightly at me. He looked a lot paler in the daylight streaming in through the living room window.

Daylight!

“Stay right here!” I pointed to the piece of carpet he was standing on, knowing he’d do as he was told. I took off, flying around the house to tightly shut blinds and close curtains. I even pounded upstairs and made sure the windows in my bedroom were vampire-safe. With a sigh of relief, I walked back down the steps. Spike was still standing in the middle of my foyer. His hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his duster. Seeing me, he hunched his shoulders and pulled his coat tighter around him. “None of that!” I grasped the lapels of his coat and tugged. “You don’t need armor. Not here, not now, and not with me.”

“Armor?”

“You wear this thing like it’s some sort of magical protection. The more you want to keep the world from seeing you the further in it you hide.”

“Do not!”

Oh great, we were five-year-olds again.

“Do…Ugh! You just did!” 

He sighed. “I’m not fancying us arguing the point right now.” I nodded and held my hand out. Hesitantly he pushed the coat off his shoulders and pulled his arms out of the sleeves. Once he was holding it in his hands it took him another minute, during which I watched one emotion after another flicker over his face, before he was willing to drop in my arms. I neatly arranged it over the arm of the couch, patting the worn leather.

“It’ll be right here.”

“Got it, Goldilocks.” He was still standing rooted to the same spot, though his head had started swiveling from side to side. 

“You want to take a look around?”

He took a step, then halted, eyes narrowing. “You trust me to go poking around your humble little abode?”

“Were you really going to bite me?” I asked, sitting down on the couch and grabbing a magazine.

“Were you really going to stake me?”

“There’s your answer.”

He shrugged. I opened the Cosmo I was holding and made a big show of holding it up and reading. Spike snickered and wandered off towards the opposite corner of the house. I tilted the magazine towards me so I could see the cover. Jennifer Aniston was decked out in a bright red dress and big, bold letters next to her head screamed “Make Him Beg for It!” I let my head fall back on the couch. The universe had it in for me.

I turned to the article on celebrity hair styles instead, none of which would look good on me. After a while I heard him opening and closing kitchen cabinets and rifling through drawers. There was silence for a moment, then he excitedly called: “Slayer?”

I dropped the magazine back on the table and walked into the kitchen to find Spike squinting down at a can of hot chocolate mix. A bag of marshmallows was sitting on the counter.

He held up the can. “Think we can have a cup?”

My vampire liked cocoa? “Sure, let me help you so you don’t burn the milk.” I put a saucepan on the stove and handed him the measuring cup. “Two cups. I didn’t really think vampires did the whole people-food thing.”

He shut the fridge door hard. “Angel tell you that?” He didn’t look at me while he measured out the first cup.

I snorted. “Sure. He told me in a cryptic, mysterious manner about whatever the latest thing he thought I should be doing as the Chosen One, and then he told me all about his hatred for nachos while I braided his hair.”

I’d dumped the first cup in the pan and was watching his back as he poured the second. He tossed his head back and laughed, nearly spilling the milk everywhere. “God, you’re a trip.” He carried the cup over to the stove and added to the pan as I turned the burner on to medium. “Vampires can eat whatever we like, it just doesn’t do anything to actually sustain us.”

“Probably doesn’t go to your thighs, either,” I grumbled.

“You’re welcome to check later, if you’re curious.” He said it in that tone of voice that made the butterflies wake up and start dancing. I couldn’t even come up with a witty reply, so I settled for bumping his hip with my own.

We watched the milk heat up, and I explained to him how you had to really watch the edges to tell when it was boiling. You didn’t want to miss the subtle signs and ruin it.

After I filled two mugs and Spike put a handful of marshmallows in each one we sat down with the paper my mom had left on the counter. I snagged the ‘Local News’ section.

“I’m guessing you don’t want ‘Sports’?”

“God, no. Wrong kind of football.”

I giggled. “You sound like my Watcher.”

“The bloke must not be completely hopeless then. I’ll take the classifieds.” We sat next to each other in companionable silence.

I was most of the way through my drink when Spike spoke again. “I wonder what happened here: ‘For Sale: Wedding Dress, never worn. $300 or will trade for baby items.”

“Well, it could be she got dumped before the wedding.”

“That’s what I’m thinking. Looks like pappy should have used the shotgun.”

“Or,” I continued. “What if her fiancé was a cop or a firefighter and died in the line of duty? Or maybe it’s a guy whose first love died before the wedding, but he fell in love again and now his wife is pregnant and he’s finally letting go of the gown in order to pay for stuff the baby needs?”

Spike set his mug down after a long drink and looked hard at me. “That got depressing quickly.” I shrugged. He had a faint hot chocolate mustache clinging to his upper lip. I leaned over and wiped it off with my thumb. I didn’t have a napkin so I ended up sticking my thumb in my mouth to suck it clean of chocolate. I smiled at the rapt attention he was paying me. Served him right for his earlier innuendo.

I jumped up and put my mug in the sink. “C’mon, I really should get my homework done.” He followed me closely as I climbed the stairs and headed down the hall to my room.

Spike looked very out of place standing in the middle of all my ultra-girly things. I could see his nose flaring as he looked around and knew what he was doing. It was one of the few things I really enjoyed while being in Drusilla’s body: the hyper-acute sense of smell. Usually being this close to him meant that I’d be surrounded by the comforting presence of his scent. I missed it, acutely now that I was thinking about it.

“Spike, I…”

He raised an eyebrow at me. I couldn’t articulate what I was feeling at that moment. It was something that originated way down in the lizard part of my brain. Instead of trying to speak, I let instinct take over. I closed the gap between us in two quick steps and mashed my nose into his chest, inhaling deeply. My hands remained dangling loosely at my sides.

“Buffy?” his voice was soft, hardly more than a whisper. It nearly broke me anyway.

“I can’t smell you in this stupid body.” Tears pricked at my eyelids. Spike’s arms cradled my gently, and I tilted my head up so my face was pressed to the area between his neck and shoulder.

“I get it,” he said, and I knew that he really, really did.

Only a few tears and sniffles escaped before I managed to regain control of myself. I hastily wiped the moisture from my cheeks and kept my eyes trained on the floor as I sat down at my vanity. The ponytail holder broke as I yanked it out of my hair. I was frustrated, and angry, and more than a tad confused. Who the hell was I? What kind of Slayer knew the things I knew about vampires? I was missing things about being dead and essentially possessed by a demon. God, I had a century-old Master Vampire in my bedroom who was…

Looking in my underwear drawer?

“Hey!”

He quickly snapped it shut and gave me a sheepish look. Like I’d buy that. Blowing out a breath I picked up my hairbrush, only to find my hand covered by Spike’s.

“Let me.”

My hand dropped away from under his. I screwed my eyes closed, my whole body tensing in anticipation of that first stroke.

“Bloody hell, Slayer!” Spike nearly yelled and I started, almost falling off the bench. “Do you ever clean this blasted thing?”  There was a tearing noise as the hair I shed was ripped out from between the prongs of the brush.  He gripped the top of my head and angled my face forwards and slightly down. “Need to get you a new brush, this thing looks like a medieval torture device. Let me know if you feel like confessing to dancing with the devil at the crossroads.” I smiled to myself.

He was right, the brush was really nowhere near as nice as the one at the factory, but the pull and tug of through my hair still felt glorious. After a few strokes Spike started following each stroke of the brush with a swipe of his hand through my hair, and I was in heaven. When he finished he lightly rested his palm on my shoulders.

“You want to leave it down or put it back up?” Hs voice was low and rumbly, which made my toes curl into the carpet.

“Back into a ponytail, please.” I handed him a new pink elastic from the top of the vanity and he had my hair secured quickly high on the back of my head. I shook it, enjoying the way it swung. Spike yanked on the end, then backed up as I stood.

“So what now?”

“Homework,” I sighed and my eyes fell onto the notebook Dru and I used. It was sitting cover down on my bed where I’d thrown it that morning. It would explain everything, all the stuff that’d been going on that he was so intimately tangled up in. I walked over to the side of the bed, my hand hovering over it for a minute before picking it up and thrusting it at Spike. “You should read this.”

“I don’t suppose it’s a record of all your girlish dreams and fantasies?” He gingerly took it out of my hand.

“Nothing but page after page of Angel’s name with hearts and flowers around it.” I watched his jaw stiffen. He was kind of easy. “No, you dolt. It’s the notebook me and Dru use to write letters to each other so we can keep up with what’s going on. You’re involved, you should read it. Let me know if I need to clarify something or fill in the blanks, or whatever.”

Spike sat down with his back against my bed, studying the cover for a moment before he opened it. Getting my algebra textbook and worksheets out, I sat next to him and tried to focus on the equations.

The first one was easy, the second one not so much, and the third one didn’t make a whole lot of sense. It didn’t help that Spike kept flipping back and forth between two pages next to me. I looked over at him, ready to poke him with the eraser side of my mechanical pencil to get him to quit, when I noticed what he was so interested in: the instructions I’d given Dru on dealing with periods.

“Spike!” I dropped my head into my hands and my cheeks flamed.

“What?” He sounded irritated.

“Do you have to read that part?”

A finger poked the side of my head and I swatted at it.

“Are you embarrassed?”

“Yes!”

“Why?” He sounded genuinely curious.

“Because it’s gross!” I snapped. He chuckled and my mortified brain put two and two together. Blood plus vampire. “Oh. My. God.” I grabbed a pillow from the bed and stuck my face into it.

Spike was downright chortling now. “What are you doing, Slayer?”

“I’m hiding.”

“Your ears are a lovely shade of pink. Also, you’re terrible at hiding, the big bad vampire’s already found you.” He poked me again, this time in the side right in between the ribs so it hurt. I smacked him in the chest with the pillow, only he grabbed it and we were both pulling at it for a second before the stitching gave out and white feathers erupted around us. Before I could make sense of anything Spike’s hand was on my cheek and his lips were on mine and I was kissing him back. Then we both pulled away.

I was where I belonged, in my own body, and he’d kissed me. I ran my tongue over my lips, pulling the taste of him into my mouth. It was the same as I remembered, but his lips and hand had been so cold. That was different. Did I feel warm to him? The press of our lips together had been too brief, too chaste. His mouth had been soft, tentative and I’d been too shocked to do anything but respond in kind. I watched him from under my lashes.

He picked up the notebook from where it had fallen and returned to reading. Sighing, I followed his lead, brushing the feathers off my worksheet. Not that I could really concentrate all that well when my lips still felt all tingly. Eventually I came up with a probably wrong answer to equation three and moved on to the next one. Spike grew still and silent as he read. It wasn’t until after equation five that I risked looking at him again. There were silent tears running down his face. I gently took the notebook from him and put it back on the bed, then wrapped an arm around him and directed his head to my shoulder.

“She-she- it’s not like I didn’t know.” 

“It’s okay, let it out, I’m here for you.”

Spike started sobbing in earnest. Somehow he managed to push me over so we were both lying on the floor with his face against my shoulder. One of my arms was trapped under him, but I was able to move the other so I could rub his back as he sobbed. My own emotions were all over the place. Part of me wanted to stake Dru for hurting him so much, though I knew she couldn’t really help it, and another, bigger part of me was beyond grateful that she was getting the hell out of the way because I was so not giving him back. I also wanted to shake him and tell him to get over it, but while I couldn’t really imagine the feelings, I figured you don’t just move past being with someone for that long simply by weeping over them once.

Finally, he cried himself out. I’d thought he’d gone to sleep until he squirmed around to lie on his side so he could see me. “You won’t give up on me, will you?” It’s what Drusilla had written a couple of days ago.

_P.S. Don’t give up on Spike._

“Never.”

He smiled, almost dreamily, and my heart lurched and did funny things in my chest. The feelings I was having for the man in my arms were overwhelming. I was never going to be the same again.

It was too much at the moment. I unglamorously pushed him off my arm and stood up. I needed a break or I was going to explode. “Let’s go watch TV or something.” 

Gracefully, Spike rolled to his feet and swept his arm towards the door. “After you, my lady.”

****

We ended up spending twenty minutes arguing over what to watch since it turned out Spike was somewhat of a snob when it came to movies. We might share a thing for TV shows, but movies were apparently in a whole different category.

“No,” he said, without even looking at the VHS tape I was holding up.

“You didn’t even look.”

“I didn’t need to.”

“Fine!” I almost stamped my foot, but caught myself in time. “I’ll bow to your superior knowledge of the cinema and let you pick, but next time it’ll be my turn and I’ll make you watch something starring Meg Ryan.”

“Joy. Warn me so I can be drunk.”

“Oh no, mister. You’ll be as sober as a priest on Sunday.”

“Can I wear the outfit?” He’d turned his head to look at me and it was impossible to miss the smirk aimed in my direction.

“Does this involve me wearing an outfit as well?”

“Yes, and possibly a ruler.” He turned back to perusing the tapes so didn’t see me shiver at his words. First the tying up, and now being spanked. I was way kinkier than I’d thought. Maybe it was a Slayer thing. Tilting my head to the side I watched the jeans tighten over my vampire’s butt as he stretched to pull out the tapes was at the back of the cabinet. Okay, maybe not a Slayer thing, maybe just a me and Spike thing.

“I’m going to grab a drink. Do you want anything?”

“Whisky?” His voice was muffled.

“Nope, sorry.”

“I’m good then.”

I returned a few minutes later with a diet coke to find the TV on and paused and Spike sitting at the far end of the couch.  I sat down and he pressed play.

The music started up. “Spike! You picked ‘The Court Jester’?”

He looked like the cat that ate the canary. “I thought you might appreciate the whole mistaken identity thing.”

“You’re evil!”

“I know.”

“Ugh.”

I picked at the blanket over the back of the couch. Spike had his arms crossed and was focused on the screen. It took me until after the third musical number to think of something I should have asked earlier.

“Do you want to write her a letter? Drusilla’s totally more with it when she’s in my body.” 

He screwed up his face for a minute, then nodded. “I think I’d like that.”

“What she like, during the day?”

“The last while, I guess while you’ve been switching, she’s been either asleep or deep in her own world where I can’t reach her.”

“Do you miss her?”

He looked surprised at the question. “Sometimes. I miss how she was before she got hurt.” He looked down at his knees. “I miss you more, when you’re not there.” One of his knees had started to jiggle, and I gave him a little space by running upstairs to retrieve the notebook and find a blue pen.

“Remember I’m going to read whatever you write. I can’t pretend to be that noble.” I said as I handed him the stuff.

“Oi, don’t destroy my fantasies now, Slayer.”

“You fantasize about how uptight I am?”

He just smirked at me again before turning to a blank page. It took him almost the entire movie to figure out what to write, though I caught him reciting the flagon with a dragon part along with the show. I kept to my side of the couch while he was writing, but as soon as he closed the notebook and set it on the coffee table I scooted close enough to tuck my toes under his thigh. He hooked one hand around my ankle and kept it there, his thumb running over the point of the bone, until the final credits were rolling.

I uncurled my legs and stood up to stretch, Spike doing the same.

“Ugh, Mom’s going to be pissed if I don’t get the dishes done.” I hooked my finger into the belt loop over his hip and tugged. “You can help.” I walked backwards, leading him along. At the sink I handed him a checkered dish towel. “I’ll wash, and you’ll dry.” Spike nodded. I flipped the radio on to my favorite Top 40 station and got to work.

It was oddly companionable standing next to him at the sink. I knew he wanted to say something about my music choice, or the fact that I’d conscripted him into doing a household chore, but he didn’t. There were just a lot of sideway looks as I accidently-on-purpose, bumped into him. Not that he wasn’t giving as good as he got. The towel he was using kept slipping through his fingers and landing on my feet. Each time he’d mutter an apology and then spend a good thirty seconds bent over retrieving it. I wasn’t fooled at all. I also wasn’t dumb enough to complain.

I was down to the last pot, scrubbing the hell out of it while wiggling my hips back and forth to the beat of Savage Garden’s “I Want You” when Spike’s patience ran out. One second he was next to me, the next he was behind me, trapping me against the counter. His blunt teeth caught the nape of my neck and I went still. With aching slowness his fingers swept down my bare arms into the cooling water to intertwine with my own. I let go of the scouring pad and he lifted our dripping hands out of the sink. Leisurely he stretched my arms up over my head, bringing my wrists together and holding them tightly in one hand. I squirmed, wanting to see him, but he growled and bit down harder on my neck and I went slack again.

He wiped his free hand on the towel he’d left on the counter to dry it before delving down the front of my shirt. I was taking short, shallow breaths, aware of nothing but the press of Spike’s body behind me and the slide of his hand over my skin. His deft fingers found my nipple and tweaked it, making me gasp. It felt different, I felt different, then when I was in Drusilla’s body. He scraped his nails lightly across my breastbone as he worked his way to the other side to repeat the process. I whimpered and yelped as he touched my sensitive flesh. I was on fire. It wasn’t just the area between my hips that’d gone molten, it was all of me.

Spike lifted his mouth from my neck. His lips brushed against me as he whispered: “What do you want, Slayer?” I didn’t give him a chance to latch back on as I yanked my wrists free and spun to face him.

“Everything.” I grabbed the back of his head with both hands and pulled his mouth to mine. Our lips devoured each other. He picked me up, settling my ass on the counter in front of the sink. My legs wrapped tightly around his waist and I wantonly ground myself against him. God, he felt good. I couldn’t get close enough to him. His hands glided up and down my back, stopping a few times to tug at the fabric of my shirt.

When I broke the kiss to gasp for much-needed air Spike jerked at the straps off my tank top.  “Take it off,” he growled. I grabbed the hem and started to peel the shirt up and off, but my hands stilled just below my breasts. “Off!” he said again.

I’d been completely naked in front of him in Drusilla’s body, but I’d known he liked what she looked like. What if there was something wrong with me? What if he didn’t like how I looked? My athletic build was way different than her willowy one.

Spike frowned and leaned his forehead against mine. Our hips were still moving, but gentler now as his eyes searched my face. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I-I- no one’s ever seen me before.” 

“Really?”

“What if they’re not okay?”

Spike closed his eyes for a beat. “You’re going to be the death of my yet, Slayer.” His hands covered mine and encouraged them to continue taking my shirt off. Together we pulled it off and I let it drop the floor next to us. Spike was staring at my chest and not speaking. I got self-conscious and started to cover myself. His hands struck like lightening to wrap around my wrists and keep my arms wide. “Beautiful.”  He let go of me and bent down to…

Oh.

That was nice.

I couldn’t keep still, or quiet. His lips found mine again and he moaned into my mouth as I ran my hands down his back to grab his ass and pull him even harder against me. I wasn’t sure how but both his shirts disappeared and I was able to trace my tongue over the dips and ridges of his chest.

We were both panting, though I was the only one that was sweating. I couldn’t get enough of him. Rough fingers undid the button of my shorts and I levered myself up so he could pull them off.

His fingers were doing things that I couldn’t even describe. I hooked my arm around his neck and his mouth covered mine and swallowed my cry when the world erupted into fireworks.

I gasped against him for a moment.

“Tell me, Buffy: No one but me.”

“Only you.” I whispered to his chest, pushing him back so I could stand.

I fumbled with his belt and his fingers closed over mine.  “You don’t need to…”

“Shut up, Spike.”

He undid his belt and I worked his fly open, pushing his pants down. I had zero idea what I was doing, but I went to my knees anyway. Before long he was gripping the counter, swearing in more than one language, and telling me that nothing like my mouth had ever existed.

I felt like a goddess.

Afterwards he lifted me up and clung to me like a drowning man would a life raft. I snuggled against him, right up until I opened my eyes and caught site of the time on the microwave.

“It’s nearly sundown! Crap, my friends are going to be here any second.” I pushed him away and picked up my clothes. I tossed his button down at him. “Hurry, unless you’re ready to explain why there’s a mostly naked vampire in my kitchen to Giles.” He managed to get his pants pulled up and the button-down on. I couldn’t find where his t-shirt had ended up and gave up looking for it after a few seconds.

“I want to stay with you,” he grumbled as I propelled him towards the door. I got his duster off the couch and cracked the door open. The shadows were long. He’d be safe.

“At this rate I’m going to beat you to the factory.” I kissed him one more time before pushing him out the door.  He didn’t move for a second once he was on the porch and I had to put my determined Slayer look on, one hand on my hip, the other pointing to his car. “Go! I’ll see you shortly.”

“Right.” He dragged his feet as he walked to the DeSoto. He got in and started the car, but didn’t pull away from the curb. The passenger door creaked open and he leaned out.

“Tell me again, Slayer!” he yelled, then slammed the door and took off.  I was still standing on my porch and smiling ear to ear when Giles’ car pulled into my driveway and the Scoobies spilled out of it. I greeted them with a wave–

****

I gasped.

I was standing in the dark, rain...no I was in the shower. I was standing in the shower, fully clothed. I vamped out so I could see and turned the water off. There wasn’t even a towel. What the hell had Drusilla been up to? 


	17. Cipher

I saw the world spin beneath you

             -Goo Goo Dolls, “Black Balloon”

****

_Sunday, November 16, 1997_

I stomped through the corridors to our bedroom, shoes squelching with every step. Crazy freaking Drusilla. I was mad. I tore off the soaked dress I was wearing, wadded it up, and tossed it into a far corner where it made a wet slap as it hit the floor. The ruined shoes followed the dress. I found towels in the closet and quickly dried myself off with one and wrapped my hair up into a turban with another. I pulled a black skirt on and stole another one of Spike’s t-shirts. It wasn’t fashionable but it got the job done.

What was the matter with Dru?

I was standing in the middle of the room, staring at the empty spot created by the absence of Lorenzo’s cage when Spike burst through the door. His eyes immediately sought mine.

“Love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too.”

He reached his hand towards mine, only to stop with our fingertips a hairsbreadth apart. We turned away from each other, laughing uneasily. I laced my hands together in front of me and he raked his fingers through his hair.

“It’s awkward now,” I said, after a few minutes, stating the obvious just to break the tension.

“Yeah.” He was staring at the floor with his arms wrapped around his middle.

“I can smell you again, that’s nice.”

“Mm-hmm.”

This was rapidly moving straight past awkward to downright uncomfortable.

“I can also smell…um…me–on you.” I bit my lip. It was kind of weird. At the Sunset Club when Dru had grabbed me I’d been too nervous to really register my own scent. Now it was all over Spike, like he’d been bathing in me all day. Vanilla, strawberries, and Slayer. I moved towards him, stretching one hand out to ghost over his cheek and down his chest. “You’re covered in me, Spike,” I murmured. His eyes snapped up to meet mine.

“You’re all I bloody think about. I guess I match inside and outside now.” He heaved a huge sigh. “What should we do? And is your hair wet?”

“Dru was standing in the shower when I got here.” Horror caught in my throat. “You don’t think she saw, y’know, and was trying to get clean or something?”

Spike laughed loudly. “No, oh Buffy, you’re a darling. Drusilla usually can’t see the Slayer, especially you. She always says it’s dark where you are. She more than likely was trying to find a rainbow or some such rot.”

“Inside, in the dark?”

“That doesn’t mean she couldn’t see them.” He sobered. “It’s my fault. I wasn’t here to keep her from wandering.”  I was glad for his soulless state at that moment. He wouldn’t be able to regret spending the day with me.

I stepped away from him and unwrapped my hair, drying the ends. “It’ll be a while before it’ll be a problem again. I’m in school all week and my mom comes back on Thursday. Also, you being out after the sun is up really tripped me out. I seriously don’t want you dusting.”

He’d moved over to his bedside table. “Can’t say I’m not glad to hear that.” I followed him to say something about figuring things out, only my eye caught on what he was putting in the drawer.

“Spike!” I screeched and he froze, looking for all the world like the kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Did you steal my hair?” He’d pulled the wad of old hair out of my brush and stuck it in his pocket instead of throwing it out. It was either gross or sweet, maybe both.

“It smells like you.” He snuck a glance at me then dropped the hair in the drawer and snapped it shut.

I really couldn’t argue with that. “You could have just asked,” I scowled. He shrugged one shoulder, looking smug because he knew I wasn’t going to argue with him. “Let’s go help Dalton. And I really could use a pint of cheetah right about now. Did we get restocked?”

“I think so, lead the way.”

****

I’d chugged my cheetah and was now sipping on a cup of water buffalo. There was something about it that reminded me of pizza.

The guys had made little progress with the translation and Spike was up pacing. Dalton was arguing that he wasn’t even sure it was Latin. The historian read out a string of words that made no sense as Spike read back the translation.

“Hey!” I barked as Spike raised the dictionary in his hand with the clear intent of smacking Dalton with it. “It’s not his fault it doesn’t make sense.” Spike growled, but dropped his arm, returning to his pacing.

Meaningless strings of words. Why would someone do that? Unless it was to hide the meaning. It was a cipher. We’d been reading about World War II in history and there’d been the thing about the code that couldn’t be broken. I couldn’t remember the name. Egg man or something.

“You two should know this!” I snapped my fingers to get both Dalton and Spike’s attention. “What was the thing in World War II that you had to have the machine to know what it said?”

“The Enigma Machine,” Dalton said promptly.

“So could this be like that, some kind of code that you need a missing piece in order to translate?”

“Yes! Of course, a cipher with a key, why didn’t I think of that.” Dalton looked down at the book like it’d betrayed him.

Spike was smiling at me. “Well done, luv. It’s good to know they still teach something in school. Did they say anything about submarines?”

“What?”

“Never mind. Any idea, Dalton, where we might find this key?”

“Actually, I might know that too,” I said, tapping a fingernail against my lower lip. “That’s the du Lac book, right?” Dalton nodded. “There’s a du Lac family crypt in one of the cemeteries here in town. I can draw you a map.” I stood up, moving down the table looking for pen and paper.

“That’s my girl!” Spike picked me and spun me around, laughing. “Where would we be without you, Slayer?”

“You really don’t want me to answer that,” I giggled. Our lips were nearly touching when we both suddenly came to our senses. Spike gently set me down.

“How about that map?” He sounded as off as I was feeling.

In coming to see me he’d invented a new form of torture for us both. Only I wouldn’t have missed a second of it for the world.

With shaking hands, I started outlining a map of Sunnydale.

****

_Monday, November 17, 1997_

I awoke curled up under the afghan on the couch in the living room.  The TV was playing an infomercial for some mustave product or other, but the sound was turned way down. An abandoned pizza box was on the coffee table along with the notebook. The inside of my mouth was icky so I put the notebook under my arm, headed into the kitchen, and helped myself to a glass of orange juice.

I poured a bowl of Cheerios and sat down at the island. The crunch was wonderful. Ever since the whole body swapping thing had started I’d had a craving for food with texture when I was human. It had to have something to do with the vampire liquid diet. I ate quickly to avoid the cereal getting soggy. About halfway through the bowl I flipped the notebook open to Dru’s note.

_Dear Buffy-_

_I think of us as sisters and as the older sister by far right now I’m going to get righteously angry with you. What the hell were you thinking? I walked inside with the whole gang right behind me to find a disaster zone. Luckily the first thing I spotted was this notebook, lying right out in the open on the coffee table. I nearly knocked Xander over as I rushed to pick it up._

_At least the parrot, that you left on the floor of the entryway, was enough of a distraction to let me tear through the rest of the house. You did most of the dishes, and got more than enough water on the floor that I had to mop up with a dishtowel, only somehow you missed the two mugs on the island, both with newspaper sections next to them. I got them into the sink before anyone was the wiser and tossed the paper into a pile._

_I explained away the parrot as being a gift from some distant relative. After everyone was gone I carried the cage up to our room only to find feathers over everything. I liked that pillow. I also refuse to clean it up. You made the mess, you fix it. I slept on the couch. And don’t think I don’t know why you were too occupied to worry about the state of your house. It’s not like you brushed your teeth._

_To top off this state of affairs you didn’t even leave me a note. There was just the one from Spike and it’s made me cry my eyes out. Right now my nose is stuffy. I hope you wake up in a puddle of drool._

_-Dru_

Uh, oops. I was beyond embarrassed. My mortification had reached levels you usually needed a space suit to survive at. I’d been reckless with our secret and the tooth brushing bit made me cringe. How did I apologize for that?

At some point while I’d been reading her note I’d forgotten my breakfast. The rest of the cereal made a wet thwack when I dumped it into the trash.  I rinsed my bowl and carried the notebook and a trash bag upstairs. My room was completely covered in feathers. Had it really been less than twenty-four hours since I’d sat in here with Spike?

I closed my eyes, remembering every detail of that brief press of his lips against mine while the feathers had floated like fat snowflakes around us. It’d been our first real kiss. My hands trembled and crossed my arms so I could trap them between my elbows and body. When the onslaught of emotions started to slightly ebb I settled myself down cross-legged on the floor like I had been yesterday. With no idea what to expect I turned to the letter Spike had written. He had lovely penmanship, even with a ballpoint.   

_Dear Drusilla-_

_Thank you. For everything. We’ve had a bloody good run together, haven’t we? Thank you for saving me both all those years ago and every day since. How long have you known that one day this would happen? Did you know it in the stable that night? Part of me thinks you did and that that is the real reason you’ve always kept part of yourself from me. I love you, I will never stop, but now I know that I need love too. I guess I always have but fooled myself into thinking that the crumbs you gave me were more than I deserved. Now I see them for the tiny candle flames that they were, snuffed out and gone in a second._

_Now I’m standing a foot from the sun. It’s frightening and exhilarating, and I am whole._

_Thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for saying you’re sorry for the pain. You don’t need to be. I understand._

_You’re wrong by the way. I love you: craziness, faults, and all. I know sometimes I’d snap at you when you would say something that particularly didn’t make sense or praise you when you were especially lucid. I was weak, I should have showed you how much all of that didn’t matter._

_You’re beautiful, unique, a true princess._

_Someday I hope you find your happiness._

_I have._

_With all my Love,_

_William_

I was sobbing. My heart felt like it was going to burst. I pressed my hand against my chest to keep it in place.

I was so wrapped up I nearly forgot it was a school day and had to rush to get ready and out the door. When I got the Library, Giles made a show out of looking at his watch, but he didn’t say anything about my red-rimmed eyes and drippy nose. Which was good. I really didn’t want to talk. Not to him, anyway.               

****

_Wednesday, November 19, 1997_

Spike was perched on the edge of the mattress. He was flicking the top of his lighter open and closed over and over while his knee jiggled. I was ensconced in my chair, wrapped up in a quilt. Nominally we were watching some movie but I couldn’t remember the title or anything that’d happened in it. I was as nervous as Spike, only I didn’t have the energy to endlessly fidget.

We were waiting on Dalton to return. He was hopefully retrieving the key to the du Lac book with little to no problem. I couldn’t go, of course, and I’d had to talk Spike out of doing it because I felt that his presence in a Sunnydale cemetery was just asking to have Drusilla as the Slayer show up. If she was alone it’d be fine, but if anyone else was there she’d be forced to fight. It just wasn’t worth the risk and Spike had reluctantly agreed. The only other choice had been Dalton and I’d insisted on him taking a none too bright minion with him for protection. Everyone, well, except the minion himself, knew the real reason I’d wanted the extra vampire along was to provide Slayer fodder if the need arose.

We’d sent them off and now we were stuck waiting. Both of us were horrible at it. My anxiety had my demon on edge. It kept wanting to surface. My teeth were actually itching and I found myself pushing my tongue against them to try and find some relief. The demon was playing havoc with my mind. Around and around spun images of all kinds of things I could be doing to pass the time. About ninety-five percent of them involved Spike and a lack of clothing. The remaining five percent were wig-worthy blood drenched feeding fantasies. At the moment I didn’t know which one was worse.

I hid my face in my hands, curling my fingers into my hair.

Blood. Sex. Blood. Sex.

Where was Dalton?

I couldn’t take it. I grabbed the first thing I could find and sent it hurtling across the room with a yell. My fangs descended in a rush of relief. I was on my feet, a growl echoing from down in my chest.

Spike was chuckling as he went to retrieve the book that I’d hurled. “I’m not a big fan of Dickens either, pet, but whatever did _Great Expectations_ do to you?”  He held the book up. “It is all of one piece and consistently truthful.” He smirked at me.

“Stop being all…all…educated!” I yelled around my fangs.

“Is that meant to be an insult?” Spike waved the book at me. I pounced at him, trying to grab it. He easily kept it out of my reach, wagging a finger at me as I lunged forward with a snarl. After several unsuccessful attempts I changed tactics and charged at Spike instead. I caught him off guard and knocked him onto the bed. He vamped out when he hit the mattress, but was distracted enough that I was able to climb over him and pluck the novel from his fingers.

For a second I didn’t know what to do with my prize. I certainly didn’t want to read it. My claws dug into the paper and started shredding. I was still straddling Spike’s waist as I annihilated the book, throwing handfuls of shredded paper into the air like confetti. I tossed my head back and yowled to the heavens. My vampire had raised himself up on his elbows and was shaking with laughter as pieces of Pip and Ms. Havisham rained around us.

“That’s my Slayer,” he said with a wicked grin. His yellow eyes were alight with merriment. One smooth motion and I found myself trapped between the softness of the bed and the hardness of his body. My arms wrapped around his neck of their own accord and I couldn’t prevent the inhuman noises that I made as our mouths met and our bodies ground together.

We’d been denying ourselves this why exactly?

His hands were under my dress and caressing whatever skin they could reach. I need to feel him, all of him. I braced myself and pushed against him. Willingly he rolled so I was on top. I sat up, a jolt of pleasure making me yelp as I found this was a very good way to move against him. There was an answering groan from Spike and he bucked up harder against my gyrating hips. I bunched up the fabric of my dress in both my hands and started to pull it off.

Somebody cleared their throat loudly.

Our eyes swiveled to the door as our bodies stilled.  Dalton was standing there in vamp face, looking at the floor. He held up an object thickly swaddled in red cloth.

Spike sat up but his arms remained around me so that I ended up flush against his chest. I nuzzled into his embrace. “Let’s see it then,” he said.

Dalton’s eye caught mine briefly before looking away again. “Now might not be the best time. I can wait at the main table.”

“I said let’s see it.” There was command in Spike’s voice. I liked that, or the demon did anyway, I couldn’t really tell the difference between the two of us at the moment. I gently petted the back of Spike’s neck and ran my tongue along his jaw.

Moving slowly, Dalton approached us. Once beside the bed he unwrapped the object with shaking hands. Averting his eyes, he presented it to us.

A golden crucifix.

My skin was too tight. I felt trapped, bad, wrong. With a hiss I fled to the floor on the far side on the bed. The demon fled to the back of my mind and I lay down with a whimper. I was evil.

Spike thanked Dalton and asked him to meet us in a few minutes out in the main part of the factory.

The bed dipped as Spike moved across it. He stuck his head over the side and his blue eyes were twinkling.

“You doing okay there, Slayer?”

“A whole world of no.”

“That was the first time you’ve seen a crucifix since you’ve been in Dru’s body, wasn’t it?”

“What was your first clue?”

“The fact that your head nearly spun around like Linda Blair’s.”

“Quit it!” I snapped. “I’m evil.”

“Of course you are, ducks. It’s a side effect of the whole vampire package.”

“Some help you are.”

“Well, I’m evil too.”

He was enjoying this a little too much. Especially since I’d broken the rules and if Dalton hadn’t shown up we would have gone way too far.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Spike cocked his head to the side. “I lost control of my demon, I didn’t mean for things to get so out of hand.”

With a sigh Spike swung his legs around and stood. He reached down and helped me up. “Let’s not play the blame game. It’s not going to do either of us any good.” He dropped my hand as soon as I was standing. “Shall we help Dalton figure out how to make you well?”

I nodded and followed behind him. Right outside the door to the bedroom I caught his sleeve. “Spike?”

He turned towards me.

“I…I’m really confused, about everything.”

“Me too, pet. You have no bloody idea.”

He was right. As weird as what I was going through was, he had it just as bad. “I just wanted to say that…” I swallowed hard. His eyes were patient as he waited for me to find my words. “Spike, ugh, just…the first time I do it I want to be in my body. I want to be me, so that I can give it all to you.  Does that make sense?”

He smiled, wide and wolfish. I ran my words over again in my head and I realized what I’d just confessed to. 

“It makes sense. You’ve got my promise, Slayer.” He looked deep into my eyes, like he was trying to see past the Drusilla covering to the girl underneath. 

I shivered and broke the gaze to walk past him and onto the main floor of the factory.

Dalton had the book open in front of him with the crucifix off to the side. I stopped dead, worried I might do a repeat performance of my duck and cover reaction. Spike took my elbow and led me to the opposite end of the table.

“We’ll do raw translations. You can take those and make them make sense.” Spike’s voice was back to authoritarian and I nodded agreement without even thinking about it.

I had nothing to do at first but watch them. Dalton had figured out how the key worked easily and the two men were both scribbling away. Every couple of lines Dalton would stop and look over the top of his glasses at me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked him after the tenth time he did it.

“You, I mean the Slayer, well…Drusilla was there.”

“I noticed the other fellow didn’t come back with you,” Spike grunted, still focused on what he was doing.

“She dusted him. Then she just sat there. At first I could have sworn it was you. Then her whole manner changed and I knew without a doubt it was Drusilla. She let me get what I needed and leave without a word. It was really…disturbing.” Dalton gripped his pen tightly and his mouth made a thin line.

“Tell me about it,” I muttered. Spike handed me the first page of translation and I got to work on the sense making.

Dalton sighed, guessing correctly that I really didn’t want to talk about how strange body swapping really was.

I was soon struggling to keep up. Most of it was useless to my situation, and it was several hours before we hit pay dirt. Freaky pay dirt.

“Stop,” I breathed, slowly standing up. “We’ve got it.” Both men dropped their pens, rising as I did. I caught Spike’s eye and held out the last few pages I’d written towards him with trembling fingers. “We’re going to need Drusilla’s Sire.”

“Fucking Hell!” His fist banged on the table and Dalton jumped. I nodded. Fucking hell, indeed.

****

_Thursday, November 20, 1997_

_Dear Buffy,_

_Angel gave me a hint: he’s going to take me to a garden! One he promises me has night blooms. Please, please, please can you get a manicure? Nowhere is open after patrol._

****

Dru had pulled the patrol trump card. Now I felt obligated over to do it since she was hunting monsters half the night while I hung with her mostly ex-boyfriend, watched TV, and tried not to jump his bones.

Spike and I had decided he’d explain about Angel and the ritual to her instead of me trying to do it in a note. I was going to be spending the entire day wondering about how that conversation would work out.

Willow had been ecstatic when I asked her to help me do my nails. I wanted to distract her from the pending results of the aptitude test and I also really did need to get a manicure. My funds were low and Willow with her eye for detail usually did a bang-up job.

We ensconced ourselves on the dingy carpet between two shelves in the back of the library. Hopefully Giles wouldn’t be able to smell the acetone or polish from here. Willow laid out cotton balls, clippers and a metal nail-file. A smile flitted around her mouth as she leaned over to scrub at the old polish that clung to my nails in Rorschach patterns.  What remained on my right thumbnail sort of looked like a bunny rabbit, while the remaining streak on my middle finger resembled a carrot. I tapped my finger and thumb together like I was feeding the bunny. Only really it looked more like I was staking it.

“What are you doing?” an amused Willow asked.

“Stabbing Bunnicula.” I clicked the nails together a few more times before resting my hand back on my leg.

Willow flipped one of her braids back over her shoulder and started working on the rabbit-having hand. Holding my fingers gently, she squinted at my thumb. “Totally does look like a bunny. Huh. Sorry bunny, it’s time to go.” With a sigh she cleaned the polish off the nail, leaving it bare. She darted a little furtive glance at me between cleaning the last bits of old paint off my nails.

I rolled my eyes. She so had something she wanted to talk about. “Are you going to tell me what’s up or do I have to guess? Because the first thing that comes to mind is that you made sweaty, naked love to our P.E. coach under the bleachers.”

Willow giggled, biting her lip to keep from laughing any more and straightened up so she could glare down her nose at me. “I’ll have you know missy, that ours is a true love and he’ll wait for me for however long it takes.” She fluttered her eyelashes and sighed dreamily. I couldn’t even wait for her to get the entire sigh out before I was doubled over in laughter. She joined me seconds later.

It was a minute before either of us could breathe again. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “Willow, hurry and tell me yours so I can tell you mine.”

“Lose another few notches on the Virgin Scale?” She arched an eyebrow at me.

I slumped back against the row of dusty history books behind me. “I’m almost out of notches.”

She nodded sagely. “Well, nothing so exciting on the Willow front, but I did meet this guy I think I kind of, sort of, maybe would want to date.”

“Willow!” I squealed.  “That’s awesome! Tell me all about him. Is he cute? Do I know him? Does he like pizza or Chinese better?”

“We didn’t really get to talk enough for me to find out his carry out preferences. What about Angel?”

“Uh, I’m not going to ask a vampire if he likes Italian or Chinese better.”

Willow’s eyes got really round. “Oh, right.”

“Anyway, we’re talking about you.” I actually could imagine asking Spike, mostly because I knew he’d answer with the expected joke about Chinese being good but you’re always hungry again thirty minutes later.  A speeding freight-train of Spike-missage hit me square in the chest. I ducked my head and pretended to be considering the different bottle of polish Willow had brought while she took my hand and starting filing my nails into shape.

“So he goes here, his name’s Daniel Osbourne, but he goes by Oz.”

I shook my head; the name wasn’t ringing any bells. Jealousy was also seeping in. Willow could see this guy whenever she wanted. He was here. She could literally stand up and go find him in under ten minutes. It wasn’t fair. Oz didn’t have to risk death to see her when the sun was up or wait on some funky spell to do its thing.

“He’s in a band and he has this goatee look going on. His hair’s kind of red, not like mine, and you’d probably think he’s too short.”

“I’m short so why would I hold that against him?”

“Angel’s the tall, dark, and handsome dream guy. Oz is from a completely different mold.”  I pursed my lips together. Spike really wasn’t anywhere near as tall as Angel. I hadn’t even really thought that much about it. I was just this side of munchkin land so it felt like everyone was taller than me. With Spike I’d been able to easily kiss him without it being awkward for either of us. Angel required me on tiptoes and him hunching over.

I shrugged. “Shorter is fine. I nearly need a step stool with Angel. There nothing special about dating a giraffe.” I paused as she switched to my other hand. “There is going to be dating, right. Y’know, that thing where you go and hang out together?”

“I don’t know, but I hope so. Did you pick a color?”

I was so tempted to go with black, just to be a pain in the butt. Drusilla would get the message. Only that wasn’t right. I was grabbing onto my chance to be happy, how could I judge her for doing the same? No one would understand my feelings and I wasn’t required to understand hers.

I grabbed a light pink polish and dropped it in Willow’s lap.

She shook it, the little ball-bearing loud as it tapped around inside the bottle. “So tell me what you’ve been up to, and don’t get all coy or I’ll make your nails all streaky and you’ll have to go on your date looking like a pink tiger.”

“Fine.” I couldn’t hide behind my hands since Willow had taken charge of them. My face was burning.  “We were making out and I went down on him,” I said in a rush.

“Buffy! Wow, like, wow. What was it like? Was it gross?”

“Why would it be gross?”

“Because, you know, you’re down there,” she whispered the last two words.

“Uh, he’s a vampire. There’s a lack of sweat and most other bodily functions.”

“I guess that does make it different.” She crinkled her brow while swiping paint over my right pinkie finger.

“Are you thinking about Oz?” I teased.

She blushed. Good, now I wasn’t the only one. Willow paused and looked up at me. “Did you, y’know…”

“I’m going to need more than that to go on.”

She inspected her work before switching to my other hand. I was beginning to think I’d somehow found the Willow mute switch.   

Finally, she sighed. “At the end, did you…drink the protein shake.”

I sucked on my bottom lip for a second before answering. “Yeah, I totally did. I really didn’t know what else to do with it! And before you ask, no, it wasn’t gross either. Again, I don’t know how much of that has to do with the whole vampire thing.”

Willow settled my hands on my knees. “Don’t budge, they’re drying. I have a question about the whole vampire thing, if that’s okay.”

“Shoot.”

“You not going to get mad at me, are you?”

“I won’t get mad.” I don’t know why she’d thought I’d get mad over anything after her last question for crying out loud.

Willow leaned back against the bookshelf behind her and stretched her legs out. “Angel’s old right?” I nodded. “So, I mean, like…he’s probably done a lot of things with a lot of girls. Does that make you feel weird or anything? I feel all jealous when I think of Oz even kissing another girl and we’re not even going out or anything yet.”

“Mostly I try not to think about it.” That was the honest truth. I was sure that Spike had done everything imaginable with Dru and probably lots of stuff I didn’t even know was a possibility. Plus, I didn’t think monogamy was necessarily a vampire family value and I was completely sure that playing with your food wasn’t at all uncommon. “I just have to believe that the past stays in the past and trust him when he says he likes what I’m doing. It’s not like he leaves me in the dark. That man’s mouth never stops.”

Willow giggled. “You found the magic key to get Angel to talk? You mean it’s been in his pants this whole time?”

Crap.

“I’m going to die of embarrassment. Can we talk about next Monday’s civics test instead? I totally can’t afford to fail it.” I inspected my now dry nails. They looked great. Dru was going to flip. “Thanks Willow! You’re amazing.”

“You know it. I even can help you learn about differences between the legislative, judicial and executive branches of government.” She pulled the textbook out of her bag. I sighed. I guess I had been asking for it.

****

_Friday, November 21, 1997_

Drusilla had taken the news surprisingly well. Spike had been surprised but I wasn’t. In her world view everything came back to her Sire. I figured actually getting her to help us set up things for the ritual might be a much bigger fight.

I’d been excused from class and was walking through the cemetery with Giles, headed to the du Lac crypt after Drusilla had let something slip last night about it having been broken into. She’d feigned ignorance of what it’d been and now I was the one listening to the lecture about responsibility and the need to focus on my Calling.

I knew I was sighing a lot, but I had it hard enough without being talked to like I was two. Drusilla had been doing a great job for months. One little slip up shouldn’t be worth all this. I had the sense that it was her feelings for Angel that were the real problem and that for whatever reason Giles didn’t want to come right out and say that.

I was facing the reality that Giles would never understand Spike if he was this caught up on souled Angel.

Once we were in the crypt Giles started poking around and I pretended to be doing the same.

“Buffy,” my Watcher turned to face me. “I know you’ve been going through something lately. If it’s something that you don’t feel like you can share with me, I hope that maybe you can talk to Jenny about it. You two have been getting close and I’m sure she can help. You should know that she absolutely refuses to discuss anything about you with me. Please consider it.”

I was glad Drusilla had been making friends, even if it was with my computer teacher. “I’ll think about it.” I really didn’t believe Ms. Calendar would be all that understanding about my issues. But Giles was right, eventually I was going to need to talk to somebody outside of my mess about how to handle things. I just didn’t know who yet.

“I’ve found what’s missing.” Giles said, shining his flashlight into a hole in the crypt wall. “It’s a crucifix. What could vampires possibly want a crucifix for?”

****

_Saturday, November 22, 1997_

I let my mom take me to the mall. Post-trip guilt always made her willing to spend a little money on me. I got my hair trimmed and several new outfits, including a dress that matched the color of my nails that I hoped Drusilla would like. I would hate not being able to go clothes shopping before a big date. I kept pushing who she was going on the date with out of my mind and focused on her being happy.

_Hi Dru-_

_I hope you have a good time and that Angel is the perfect gentleman. Mom took me shopping today and I hope you like the dress I got for you to wear tonight. Don’t even think about the ritual and all that stuff. It can be taken care of later. We should meet up together soon and figure out some stuff._

_Have fun!_

_Buffy_

There was a lot more I wanted to write, most of it about how messed up this whole Angel thing was, but I stopped myself. She was more than old enough to make her own mistakes. I just hated the fact she was wearing my face while she made them.

****

It’d been a boring night. I’d read a few chapters of the latest novel we’d been assigned in English while Spike had fought to set up a probably stolen VCR so he could watch a taped soccer match that someone had mailed him from England. I soon gave up on reading _The Catcher in the Rye_ once the game started playing. Spike was way into it. He was pacing the room and hollering at the screen. I’d gone to sit on the foot of the bed and asked him to explain soccer to me. After the five-minute lecture on how I was to never call it that again, my vampire had warmed to the subject and I now knew more about football than I ever cared to.

I’d made all the appropriate noises and cheered along with him when his team won. Mostly I hoped that his friend in England wasn’t hell bent on sending too many more tapes, or at least not too frequently.

Now we were spending the last hour before sunrise trying to go to sleep. It’d been this way all week. We were way over towards our respective edges of the bed, where neither of us were comfortable or particularly asleep. I sighed a lot and Spike would change positions every two nano-seconds.

I’d really had enough of it.

“Spike?” I whispered into the dark.

“Yeah?” Came the muffled reply. He must have his face smushed into the pillow again.

“This is stupid and I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Spike rolled over and sat upright. “Come again, kitten?” There was fear in his voice.

Oops, not what I’d meant. “I’m pretty sure we can sleep like we used to without losing control. This edge of the bed thing really isn’t working for me.”

My vampire sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “You scared the stuffing out of me. Yeah, I think we can be good.” He laid back down, facing me, and stretched out his arm. “Come here, you silly goose.” I scooted over and spooned myself against him. His arm curled around me. Spike was still and I finally relaxed. This was much, much better.  I was where I belonged.

****

_Sunday, November 23, 1997_

I turned over, stretched and opened my eyes to a ceiling I’d never seen before. I took stock. Breathing, heartbeat, fully clothed including coat, no injuries. I was okay and in my regular body, so where was I?  I felt around in my pockets and thankfully pulled out our back-up notebook.

_Buffy-_

_The dress was amazing! Thank you so much. The date was perfect, a dream come true. More later. Right now I’m worried. Angel dropped me off and was going to pick up some blood. I couldn’t face the emptiness of our room and went to Angel’s apartment so I wouldn’t be alone. I’ve been waiting and waiting.  I’m really scared that something’s happened to him. I have to sleep. Please find him._

_-Dru_

Angel’s apartment? I was in Angel’s apartment? I tucked the notebook back into my pocket with a groan.

Oh god, Drusilla, really?

I guess this was better than waking up with Angel sans clothing. Dru and I really needed to have a chat about that. Just because I’d decided on an arbitrary line with her body didn’t mean she felt the same about mine.

I’d promised Spike only him but my body so often seemed to belong to everyone except me. Giles, the Council, my mother, school, the stupid switching spell. They all had a say in where I went and what I did.  Surely it couldn’t be wrong of me to want one tiny piece of my existence to be under my control.

I rolled over on my side, debating on whether or not I really wanted to get up and go Angel hunting. I was sure there was some kind of rational explanation. Like he had another girlfriend and had spent the night with her.

Sleep was still clinging to me and it was only Slayer instincts that saved me. At the last instant I threw myself to the side to avoid the ax aimed at my head.  The fight was brief but fierce.  This girl with dark skin and flashing eyes fought like my Watcher wanted me to. She was all measured hits and carefully calculated moves. It was infuriating. I felt like I wasn’t fighting her, but whoever stood behind her pulling her puppet strings.

I easily could have won as she had no idea how to really brawl.  Only I was too curious. During the first break in the action, which came after we made splinters out of Angel’s coffee table, the angry looking girl sneered at me: “Who are you?”

I guessed she meant why haven’t I been able to kill you yet? She had no idea what a can of worms the question ‘who are you?’ was with me. “What do you mean who am I? You attacked me. Who the hell are you?”

The girl straightened up and her chin rose. “I am Kendra, the Vampire Slayer.”

Huh?


	18. Ritual

You know you're everything to me

             -Goo Goo Dolls, “Dizzy”

 

****

_Sunday, November 23, 1997_

Talking Kendra down off the ‘let’s kill Buffy’ ledge had not been one of the high points of my life. Irony of ironies she’d thought I was a vampire. Yay for having a pulse. I tried to not think about why she’d believed me to be one in the first place. Angel and Dru-in-my-body, making out while surrounded by roses and bathed in silvery moonlight, was not sitting well with me. I kept looking at my hands and wondering how she’d touched him. Softly? Demanding? Did Angel like the girl or the Slayer more?

At least I knew where Angel was, or I thought I did anyway. Willy hadn’t been entirely forthcoming. At first he’d tried to tell us that he’d let Angel out of the cage Kendra had locked him in and just sent the vampire on his way. Kendra had bought it, but I’d been dealing way too long now with all the subtleties of life at the factory. The jerk-face had been lying. I’d wished for my demon in that moment. It would have been a lot more fun to threaten somebody if my conscious hadn’t been pointing out that Willy was a human being. I’d had to settle for lightly choking him and smashing my fist into the top of the bar. The weasel had caved and said he’d handed Angel over to Spike.

I’d tried my best to be suitably angry instead of relieved at the news.

Now the whole Scooby gang was sitting around in the Library trying to figure out what Spike might be up to. Well, Xander, Willow, and Cordy were trying to, anyway. Ms. Calendar was in her classroom looking something up online. Kendra and Giles were huddled together in the corner, talking shop. I had a book in my hands so I’d at least look busy. Kendra made me feel like a terrible Slayer. Not that I didn’t have enough reasons already. She’d even read the handbook. I hadn’t even known there was one. Gee, thanks, Giles.

Xander snapped the tome he was holding closed, creating a cloud of dust that made Cordelia, who was sitting next to him, sneeze. “This is fun and everything, but why are you here, Kendra?” He dropped the book onto the table. Good question, I’d figured she was here because, well, hellmouth. It’s where Slayers ended up.

“My Watcher sent me here because all the signs indicate that a very dark power is about to rise in Sunnydale.” Kendra was back to standing ramrod straight, her eyes scanning the room like this ‘dark power’ might jump out at us from any corner right that second.

Hold up. Dark power about to rise. The ritual. Holy crap! I was the dark power.

Well, technically Drusilla was, but the ritual needed to be performed at night so I’d be the one in her body when it happened. My eyes got very big.

“What does Angel have to do with all this?” Willow asked.

“He’d Drusilla’s Sire,” I snapped. “He’s got everything to do with it.”

The Library became very quiet as everyone turned to look at me. 

Way to go, I congratulated myself. I was supposed to kill vampires, not be insightful about them. Since the train had already left the building, or Elvis was at the station, or…whatever, I might as well keep talking. “Spike’s here because he wants to make Drusilla well. He must have figured out a way that doesn’t need Slayer’s blood since he’s got the du Lac book.” I shrugged. “They’re vampires so whatever they’re doing inevitably required some kind of blood, looks like it was Angel’s.”

“Good Lord, do you think they’ll kill him?” Giles’ brow was creased.

“We can always hope,” Xander said, then squeaked as Willow kicked him under the table.

“How should I know?” I grumbled.

“William the Bloody must be stopped. This Drusilla cannot be allowed to return to her full strength.” Kendra’s hand was whitenuckled around the stake she was holding.

Who did she think she was? She rolled up into my town and thought she could go all Slay happy on my vampires? “Spike,” I ground out.

“What?” Not the answer she’d been expecting.

“He goes by Spike. What do you think you’re going to do? Rush out and fight him? He’d squish you like a bug. He’s strong, he’s fast, he’s smart. He’s not like any other vampire you’ve faced.” My mind threw in some unhelpful extras to that list: he tasted good, he filled out a pair of jeans nicely, he liked Mary Ann better than Ginger.

Kendra looked taken aback by my vehemence.

“If he was easy to kill, Buffy would have already done it. She’s really awesome.” Willow had her arms crossed over her chest and was glaring at Kendra. I gave my friend a small smile.

“Can we go back to not being on the Slayer version of Jerry Springer?” Xander’s head was swiveling between me and Kendra.

“Yeah,” I said and sat back down, my back to the other Slayer. “What we need to do is figure out where this getting Drusilla better thing is going to take place, more than how. Then we can stop it.” I picked up a book and flipped it open. Kendra came over and sat next to me. She pushed a few books around, looking at the titles, but made no move to actually read any of them.

I was angry, annoyed, and completely weirded out. Next to me was someone that wanted to kill me. Not how I was at the moment, of course, but if I was in Dru’s body she wouldn’t hesitate for a second. And until after the ritual I wouldn’t be strong enough to do anything about it. I supposed I should also be worried about her trying to dust Spike, only he really would mop the floor with her. He wouldn’t find me to be so easy.

I snorted, making Kendra jump. “Sorry, my mind was wondering.” She went back to her listless book poking. Okay, so he might find me kind of easy, but not in a fight. My muscles tightened. I wanted to be out in some moonlit field with tons of room so we could really go at it. Preferably alone, so that after we were done with the trading blows part we could, uh, really go at it. I had to put my hand over my mouth to hide my snicker.

I needed a distraction. I was chewing on my lips, never a good sign. My brain had short circuited and switched to the Buffy and Spike porno channel. Which was fine when I was in my bedroom by myself but not so much when I was sitting with my Watcher, my friends, and another Slayer, all who really wouldn’t appreciate my current train of thought. Not as much as I was, anyway.   

With a sigh, I turned my head to face Kendra. She was already looking at me. Actually she seemed to be watching my mouth. Her eyes jerked up to mine and she looked almost guilty. Had she been watching me chew on my lips? Because that wasn’t odd or anything.

Whatever.

“You want to train or spar, or something?” I asked.

Kendra looked like she might collapse she was so relieved. “That sounds more like it. Where do you keep your training gear?”

“I’ll show you.”

****

I grabbed a piece of Pepperoni and Olive pizza from the box on the counter and carried it to my room so that I could write Dru.

_Hi Dru!_

_Guess what? There’s another Slayer in town. Her name’s Kendra. She was sent here to stop a “dark power” from rising, which I think is you (us?) getting better. You’re supposed to be meeting with the rest of the Scoobies at the Library right after sunset to figure out what’s going on. I’m hoping you and Spike have a plan for the ritual all worked out. Just tell them you beat it out of Willy or something, because I think we both know we need you to show up so that Angel isn’t dusted. Spike would probably cut him loose in time but it would be hard to explain, so it’s better if you guys “save” him. Your job is to get the Scoobies there not too early and not too late and I’ll do what I can from my end._

_Thanks!_

_Buffy_

I shoved the last of the pizza in my mouth, chewing noisily as I hefted my weapons bag onto my bed and started to sort through it to find a knife or ax that looked a lot more lethal than it really was. I needed to appear to be ready to take out the ‘dark power’, no matter my real feelings. After a fruitless few moments of searching, I went back to the note and added:

_P.S. Better brush your teeth, your breath probably smells like a skunk’s butt._

****

At the factory I found myself already dressed, brushed, and standing in a hallway I didn’t recognize. Spike was there, leaning against the concrete wall, smoking, and obviously waiting on me.

“Do you want to see him?” he asked gruffly.  I knew who he meant.

Did I?  Spike wasn’t looking at me, but I could tell by the tightness of his jaw and how that little muscle there was ticking that he was tense. I didn’t know the history of the Scourge of Europe, I didn’t want to know it. I had no desire to see even the tiniest piece of it but I’d already guessed enough to discern it wasn’t pleasant and that in their time together Spike and Angel had gathered enough baggage to fill an ocean liner or two.

Spike asking me if I wanted to see Angel was a loaded question and I couldn’t even guess a tenth of what he was feeling. There probably wasn’t a right answer.

“What about Drusilla, during the day, did she see him?” I was stalling.

“She was going on and on about Angel, roses, and wanting a tea set for her dollies that had palm trees on it. I didn’t think it’d be a great idea to put them in the same room together.” Spike had crossed his arms over his chest and was contemplating the cobwebs on the ceiling.

“That’s probably for the best.” I was hugely relieved. Dru would have spilled the beans in two seconds. “I’m worried about this ritual, I just don’t know-”

“It’s going to happen regardless of your opinion, Slayer,” Spike barked.

I rolled my eyes. “I’d hit you right now, if I thought it’d do any good.”

Spike leered at me. “Baby likes it rough?”

“Would you quit! You didn’t let me finish.” I paused and for once he kept his mouth closed. “Yes, Drusilla needs to be healed. However, what if it breaks the spell that is making Dru and me switch? What if I’m stuck in her body forever?” I turned away from Spike, my head bowed.

His hands caught me from behind, gripping both my shoulders. He leaned forward to whisper in my ear. “Would that be so bad?”

The freedom of it, to never again be beholden to my Calling, along with the promise of always being with the man standing behind me. God, the whole chorus of negatives was drowned out by just those two points alone.

“No, it wouldn’t be so bad.” I answered truthfully and Spike’s hands tightened on my shoulders. “But what if it’s the other way, what if I’m back in my regular body with no way to easily see you?”

There was no hesitation. “Then we’d figure something out. I’m not leaving you.” I stepped forward, out of the hold on my shoulders, only to quickly turn around and wrap my arms around him in a hug.

He tossed his cigarette butt away and returned my embrace. “Tell me again,” he murmured against the side of my neck.

“I love you.”

“I love you too and I am never going to give you up. Not ever.” It was a fierce growl.

My fingers curled at my sides and I couldn’t help myself. “Are you also never gonna let me down or run around and desert me?

Spike pushed himself back from me, though his hands remained clutching my arms. “Slayer, did you…oh, bloody hell, fine. I am also never going to make you cry, say good-bye, or tell a lie and hurt you.” He huffed a huge breath through his nose and attempted to look extremely long-suffering.

I giggled and his mouth twitched. He closed his eyes and a chuckle escaped. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was too funny. “You knew the words!” I cried in between peals of laughter.

“Right, don’t be telling Peaches or any of your little mates.” His eyes were twinkling and he was grinning. It was so much better than when I’d first arrived and I could have cut the tension with a knife. He pulled me back against him and brushed a kiss on my forehead. “I really do love you,” he said, looking into my eyes in that way that made me think he was really seeing me and not Drusilla.

“I know. And I’m stupidly head over heels in love with you. To the point I kind of snapped at someone today when they sounded like they didn’t believe you were the big bad.”

Spike preened. “And who might this have been? I don’t suppose it was your Watcher, because that would get me right in the ol’ ticker.”

“No, it was this girl named Kendra. Did Angel mention her?” Spike shook his head. “She’s the one that put him in the cage. She’s a Slayer.”

“What happened to the ‘only one girl in all the world’ claptrap?” Spike moved away from me to pace. I had just upset his whole worldview.

I pressed my hand to my forehead. “When I died earlier this year the Slayer line got split. She was the next one called.” I shrugged and let my hand fall to my side.

Spike rounded on me. “You died?” His eyes were wide with some emotion I couldn’t place.

“Just for a moment. I got better, Xander did CPR.”

He raked a hand through his hair. “Won’t be letting that ever happen again. You dying, I mean, your little friends can do all the CPR they want.” His words made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I almost told him that as the Slayer I didn’t have much of a choice but he already knew that. He knew it nearly as well as I did. Still, it sounded awful nice and made me feel a lot less alone.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

He took one of my hands in his, intertwining our fingers. With a sigh, he jerked his head towards the closed door. “Do you want to talk to him or not?”

I stared at the badly painted wood. Finally, I squeezed Spike’s hand. “No. I really don’t have anything to say to him.” Spike grinned triumphantly. I pulled at his fingers to get his attention back. “But you should know I don’t want him dead. I know that’s the usual end point of the ritual. Does Dru know the where and when?”

“Yeah, I had to do some planning with Dalton today.” The grin had faded and he was looking dejected now.

“Hey.” I gave his arm a shake. “He’s important to Drusilla, not me.”

Spike briefly closed his eyes. “So what’s the plan?”

“Hopefully the Scoobies show up and rescue him. Otherwise you’ll have to do it.”

“Either way it doesn’t exactly sound like a bloody picnic.”

“I know. Though if the gang’s there you’ll get to meet the new Slayer. She’s all super into the Council teachings and doing things exactly how they specify.”

“Those ones usually don’t live too long.”

I shrugged. “Not our problem, but you’re right. You could totally beat her.”

“Hmm, I’ll have to check her out.”

It sounded off-handed but the idea of Spike checking anything out on Kendra made my blood boil. I had to fight my demon back. When I’d regained control I look over at Spike only to find that my jerk of a vampire boyfriend was smirking at me.

“Quit it!” I hissed. “I don’t think you’re her type anyway.”

“Now _that’s_ interesting.” Spike was downright leering now, so I punched him in the shoulder, because he deserved it.

He threw up his hands. “I surrender!”

I glared at him. “You’re funny, real funny.”

“And your jealousy is adorable. Shall we grab a bite and get this show on the road?”

“Ugh. Yes, but you better behave.”

“Have you met me?”

“Unfortunately.”

Spike grinned and looped an arm around my waist, directing me towards the main factory floor. I hoped there was still something good left in the fridge. I should probably send Dalton with some blood for Angel and to make sure he was doing okay. I was worried about him a little bit, but as Spike led me away I never once thought to look back.

****

The abandoned church was eerie. It was a sensation that didn’t leave even though Spike and Dalton had lit a multitude of candles to push back the dark. It probably had more to do with me being a vampire in a once holy place rather than it being a scary old building. The final preparation had been Angel and I being bound together. I really didn’t like being forced so intimately against his hulking body. I had tried wriggling back against the bonds, wanting to get as far away from him as possible. That had been a terrible idea, as Angel obviously didn’t find the whole situation as icky as I did. Now he was glowering at me, we were both uncomfortable, and I was doing my best to stay completely still while looking at absolutely anything except him.

Spike checked things one last time, then nodded at Dalton. The historian caught my eye and I smiled at him. He smiled back and gave me a thumbs up before heading out the door. With the Slayer and Scoobies expected to crash the party I’d asked him to wait outside for us, hidden in the trees.

“What was that about?” Angel asked.

“He’s my friend.” I didn’t elaborate. Angel really didn’t need to know. “I wish this was happening differently,” I whispered, watching Spike as he picked up the translated ritual. “When this is over, you’re going to leave peacefully. No problems.”

“Or what?”

“Or I write the Slayer a nice little note telling her just how happy you are to help me.” I pressed my thigh against the evidence of his happiness so he wouldn’t mistake my meaning.

“You’re a bitch, Drusilla,” Angel sneered.

“You made me that way.”

“Both of you quiet, now,” Spike spoke up, looking less than pleased. “It’s time to get this show on the road. You kiddies ready?” I nodded but Angel clenched his jaw and refused to acknowledge Spike. “Right, here goes then.” There was some chanting and a few spoken words. With a flourish Spike unsheathed the hidden dagger from inside the crucifix. He had leather gloves on to protect his hands. I wondered where he’d gotten them. Maybe he’d wear them again for me, later. I was really starting to have a thing for black leather.

Continuing to mutter less than wholesome sounding words, Spike brandished the dagger high before bringing is down to pierce through the palms of Angel’s and my bound hands.  

The passage of the knife through my flesh was a cold, bright pain. I screamed soundlessly. Angel roared. Light blinded my vision. Energy pulsed into me. I was going to dust. This wasn’t healing me; it was killing me. I struggled, the ropes cutting into my skin. Pain was playing symphonies in every cell of my body.

Then silence. An indrawn breath. I sagged against Angel’s chest. Warmth washed down my arm from where the dagger joined us. It tingled and pulsed, driving the pain away. It tickled as it made its way down my back. I giggled. Looking around for Spike, my eyes landed on Xander instead. He and Cordy were doing their best to keep a minion at bay. It appeared I’d missed the Scoobies’ arrival during my agony.

I was beginning to feel pretty darn good. Even a little giddy. I laughed again. Kendra was fighting Spike and I wondered if he was going to kill his third Slayer. She really didn’t stand a chance against him. Or would she technically be his fourth. Did those little deaths he gave me count? I had to check my laughter. I felt as high as a kite. I searched for my Slayer body amid the fray.

There it was. Drusilla was about to dust the minion she was fighting but when she glanced at Kendra and Spike. She must have reached the same conclusion I had.

“Switch!” she yelled at Kendra and they rolled so that now Dru was fighting Spike and Kendra was facing the minion.

Spike and Dru were circling each other warily. I wanted them to fight, or maybe kiss so I could see how we looked together. I frowned. Only that’d be weird. Like majorly bizarre and totally with the jealousy making.

Okay, they just needed to fight.

Dru threw an easy-to-counter punch and they halfheartedly traded blows. It was disappointing, really. Angel groaned and I looked up at him. His face was pinched and he looked miserable. That was too bad, I was doing fantastic. Better than good. I felt like a million bucks, like I could take on a whole horde of demons by myself.

Which probably meant Angel felt a correspondingly degree of crappy. It was probably time to get him out of this. I needed to warn Drusilla. Only I couldn’t call her that, and would I know her name was Buffy? It was hard to think with all this delicious feeling great I had going on. I finally settled on: “Slayer!”

Both Buffy and Kendra looked in my direction. Kendra got punched in the face but Spike backed off. I jerked my head at Angel. Dru nodded. She turned back to Spike and he let her roughly push him away. Turning, she threw her stake at the minion that’d been attacking Giles. My watcher had been keeping the vampire at bay with a lit torch.

As the minion crumbled to dust Drusilla yell to Giles: “Get Angel!” He threw his torch away, lighting a wooden pew on fire. He’d just created a time bomb; this whole place was full of dry wood that’d go up like kindling. Giles scrambled up to where Angel and I were tied. I grinned at my Watcher. I could scent him, hear his heart beat.

“Not bad for an old guy.” I told him as he hastily pulled the dagger out. I mourned the loss of the warmth that’d been running through me. Giles glanced at it briefly before using it to cut the thin bindings holding Angel’s and my hands together. Once that was done he started sawing at thick ropes around our bodies. He didn’t even look at me. That was no fun. I shifted into my vamp face. “Scared of me, Watcher?” I asked, lisping around my fangs.

“Of a demon like you, never.”  That was better. I could smell that he was. Knowing my Watcher I was sure he had a stake in his jacket pocket and I needed to be ready. Subtly, I shifted and braced my feet. The last of the rope fell away and I used what leverage I had to send Angel’s drooping form into Giles’ arms. They both tumbled to the floor and I sprang away. Spike was instantly there at my side.

I smiled brightly at him. “I feel good!” I spun around to show him but nearly fell as I lost my balance. Oops, I was still a little high. Spike caught me and swung me up into his arms.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand, eh pet?”

“Yeah, I’m hungry!” With a grin he carried me towards the side door of the church. I looked back over his shoulder and everything went into slow motion like I was in a movie. Kendra had dusted the minion she’d been fighting and was standing near the alter, swinging a heavy silver censer like it was a bola. Dru had a horrified look on her face and was reaching to grab Kendra’s arm. Only she was too late. The censer left Kendra’s hand and flew true.

Things went from slow motion to happening all at once. There was the impact of the censer into Spike’s back, the lurch as he was knocked off balance and then I was on the ground while he shielded me from the impact of something coming down on top of us. It was loud and I curled up with my hands over my ears under the protection of his body. I must have been briefly unconscious because the next thing I knew there was smoke and flames practically on top of us. I struggled out from under the debris and sat up shakily. I saw myself–no, Drusilla–in my body standing in the doorway of the church. She met my eyes and mouthed: “Run!” before disappearing into the night.

Where was Spike? Frantically, I bounded to my feet. I found him close by, buried under what remained of the church’s organ. That must have been what’d come down on our heads, what he’d protected me from. Heavy beams pinned him and flames licked at his face. With a cry I used my sleeve to smother them, horrified at the raw flesh they’d left in their wake.

The ritual had worked better than I had hoped. I was able to toss the beams away like they were so many matchsticks. Trying to be gentle I lifted him from amongst the rumble. He wasn’t breathing. Panic flashed through me until I remembered that wasn’t really important. I shook him a little.

“Spike?”

He didn’t respond. In my gut I knew something was very, very wrong. With his body curled in my arms I walked away from the burning church. Dalton met me in the trees. “Home,” I said tersely. I needed to get home.

****

I didn’t remember much of the rush back to the factory, only the endless terror that at any moment Spike would turn to dust in my arms. Dalton opened doors for me and I arranged Spike’s still form on our bed. I dropped to my knees beside him, clasping one of his limp hands in mine. He was so pale in between the red, angry welts of the burns. I didn’t know what to do and neither did my demon. It wanted to lash out and hurt someone for this insult.

_Shut up!_

I couldn’t leave him to go, what? Hunt down Kendra and tear her throat out?

_Unless you come up with something worthwhile, be freaking quiet._

Images of blood poured through my mind. Okay, that was useful. “Dalton, can you warm up some blood and bring it to me, please?” I asked without turning my head.

“Yes, Mistress.” His steps faded down the hallway.

I let go of Spike’s hand so that I could move him. Trying to be as careful as I could I gently pulled his duster off of one arm. I tucked the coat under his side and rolled him just enough to pull it out from the other.  I hung it from its usual peg by the door so he’d be able to find it later. He just didn’t look comfortable.  I pulled him up so he was lying on his back with his head resting on a pillow. With fingers made clumsy with nerves I undid his boot laces and pulled both boots and socks off his feet. I undid his belt and pulled at his shirt until was untucked. I skinned the gloves off his hands and dropped them next to the bed. I ran my hands over him to both check for injuries and to reassure myself that he was still there, still solid

I couldn’t feel anything besides some broken ribs. Certainly nothing that would explain why he wasn’t waking up. Out of things to do I just sat mutely next to him, my hands twisting in my lap. Dalton came back and crouched next to me, passing me a cup full of the blood I’d requested.

“He’s so still,” I whispered. “Spike’s never still.”

“As long as he’s not dust he’ll heal. You know that, Buffy.”

Surprised at Dalton using my name I glanced over to where he was kneeling. His eyes were bright and earnest. “Thank you.” I took a deep breath. “I…today, I’m going to need your help. When the sun rises I need you to be here to keep Drusilla and Spike safe while I’m forced to be…not here.” I pushed down the mounting panic.

“Of course. You can count on me.”

“Thank you,” I said again. “We’ll be fine for now, come back just before dawn with blankets and pillows. If you sleep across the door it should keep Dru in and that way you can still rest.”

Dalton nodded. He stood and gave my shoulder a brief squeeze before leaving. The sound of the door closing behind him was loud in the silence of the bedroom.

I pulled the top off of the Styrofoam cup and wafted it beside Spike’s face, practically under his nose. Nothing. Not a muscle twitched. I dipped my finger in the crimson liquid and let a few drops fall into his mouth.

There!

I was sure he’d swallowed. Score one for vampire instincts. But he needed more than a few measly drops. Setting the cup on the nightstand I crawled into the bed so I was sitting against the headboard with one leg on either side of Spike. Hooking my hands under his armpits I hauled him so that he was propped up against my body with his head resting against my shoulder.

Picking the cup back up I tempted his demon again with the blood but he remained lifeless. God I hated seeing him like this. Trembling, I pressed a kiss to his forehead, silently begging him to come back to me.

I had to get the blood down him. Just dumping it into his mouth might work, only it’d be difficult to control how fast it was pouring out of the cup. He needed to drink it, not wear it. I could only come up with one solution. I took a mouthful of blood, suppressed my own demon’s desire to feed, and sealed my mouth over Spike’s. Ever so gradually I parted my lips and let the liquid flow onto his tongue. There was a hideous second when nothing happened, when I was afraid that I’d simply been imagining things. I hung in that endless second, waiting, but then his throat moved and he swallowed the blood.

I repeated the process until nearly half the container was gone. The blood was doing its job. Even if it was just pig’s blood. I hadn’t even realized that until I was four or five mouthfuls in. I was surprised Spike hadn’t woken up just to tell me to get something better.

The burns on his face already appeared a little better, and he seemed more asleep to me now instead of unconscious. Though I couldn’t say exactly why I thought that. I just knew him well enough. Quickly, I chugged the rest of the blood. For a long while I continued to sit there with him cradled against me. I didn’t even dare to breathe in case I disturbed his rest.

As morning approached, I repositioned him so he was lying on his side. I curled up next to him, my face pressed against the back of Spike’s neck and my arm wrapped around his chest. My lips moved against his skin as I told him over and over that I loved him and wouldn’t leave. I was dreading dawn and my forced exile. I had a tiny flair of hope that maybe I wouldn’t be taken away from him when the sun rose.

I don’t know how long we’d been lying there when I felt him take a breath. My eyes immediately opened.

“Spike?” I said, tentatively.

“Buffy,” he slurred.

“I’m here!  I’m right here.”

“No. Want. Buffy.” He either fell asleep or passed out again from the effort of speaking. I didn’t know if he’d even heard me. I pressed myself tighter against his back.

Dalton returned and made himself a pallet in front of the doorway. He sat down with his back against the battered wood. “Any change?”

“He woke up once and asked for me. Like me-me.”

Dalton gaze turned sympathetic. He understood. “I’ll keep him safe today, Mistress. I can’t tell you not to worry, but I can promise you things will be fine when you return tonight.”

“Thank you.”

I shivered. The sun was coming up. My hopes rose with it, only to be dashed as the familiar vertigo hit and I was pulled away against my will.

****

_Monday, November 24, 1997_

I was sitting at my vanity, pink pen in hand.

_Dear Buffy-_

_I couldn’t stop her. Please believe me, I couldn’t stop her. I tried. You saw me try, right? Please don’t be mad at me. I’ve had to pretend to be pleased all night when inside I’ve been nearly panicking. Surely I’d know if he dusted? I’d feel it, wouldn’t I? Everyone here is okay. I gave Kendra one of your shirts since she had nothing else to wear. I can’t be mad at her; she didn’t know what she was doing. Angel is doing fine. We helped him back to his apartment and he drank a few pints before falling asleep. Kendra and I spent some time talking before I returned her to Giles’ apartment._

_This not knowing is killing me!_

_Love, Dru_

I wasn’t mad at her. Emotionally I was wiped. I didn’t have the energy to feel much of anything. I ate breakfast robotically while my mom rambled on about some guy she’d met. Good for her. I really didn’t want to have dinner with this Ted guy but my mom sounded so happy that I forced a smile and nodded my agreement.

My walk to school was a blur. It felt like I’d left most of myself behind at the factory. I should be with Spike, not facing hours of lectures that I wouldn’t even remember. Kendra was in the Library when I got there. She was talking to Xander and didn’t hear me walk in.

“I really like Buffy,” she was saying. “But her heart didn’t seem to be in the fight last night. She was too worried about her vampire boyfriend.”

Oh good, an excuse.

I yanked Kendra around and smashed my fist into her face, sending her flying back against a bookcase. “You know nothing about my vampire boyfriend,” I snarled, kicking her legs out from under her as she dazedly tried to stand. She’d hurt someone I loved. She would pay. I’d break her. My tongue sought my fangs, only to come up empty. They should be there when I was this angry.

I let her stand this time.  Kendra was still a little unsteady on her feet, I must have really rung her bell with that first punch. Bully for me. I cocked my elbow back ready to let her have it again. Only to have a weight attach itself to my arm. Glancing back, I found that Xander had wrapped himself around my elbow. I tried to shake him lose but Willow had stepped between me and Kendra and enveloped me in a bear hug.

For another second I stood there, rigid with anger. The need to hurt the person that’d hurt Spike was nearly overwhelming.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?” Willows voice was muffled from how she was squished against my shoulder.

I was still glaring at Kendra. I needed to rip her throat out, drink her blood. The demon had been baying for vengeance all night. Only the demon wasn’t here.

What was I doing? This wasn’t me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I sank to the floor, Willow and Xander coming along with me. “I’m sorry,” I said, louder.  They hugged me tight.

Another set of warm hands settle on my arm. I looked up into Kendra’s kind eyes. It hadn’t been her fault; she’d only been doing what she thought was right. I untangled my arms from friends and held them out to her like a child. My sister Slayer pulled me over so I was sitting crosswise on her lap. We hugged fiercely.

“I’m sorry,” she said into my hair.

“No, don’t be. I was wrong. Someone I love got hurt and I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“I shouldn’t have said that. You fought just fine. Is he going to be okay?”

I closed my eyes and slumped. She meant Angel, of course. “Yeah, he’ll be fine.” I said dully.

“And, hey, we did it, right?”

“Did what?”

“You saw the organ come down, surely with the fire Wil… Spike and Drusilla are now dust.”

I barked with laughter and shook my head.

“Nope.”


	19. Nightmares

You’re the only one I ever believed in

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Let Love In”

****

_Monday, November 24, 1997_

The afternoon stretched out interminably. Giles had left to take Kendra to the airport and I was dreading his return. I was going to have to explain how I knew both Drusilla and Spike were still alive. Hopefully saying I saw them before running out the church door was going to be enough of an explanation. If only I’d kept my big mouth shut, but no, I just had to let Kendra know she’d failed.

I was an idiot.

At least my Watcher wouldn’t want me to charge into the factory, but now I’d probably be in for lot of exciting how-do-we-kill-‘em planning sessions. That should be fun. I was physically exhausted and it made me wonder if Dru had been able to get any sleep at all. Math class was ridiculously warm; we must have passed the magical date that the school authorities had determined was when the heaters should be turned on. The lights were dimmed and the teacher was droning on and on about something and occasionally showing an equation on the overhead.

I propped my head in my hands and hoped no one would notice how long my blinks were becoming. I was just going to have to ask Dalton about all this polynomial whats-it crap. Hopefully he was doing okay out at the factory, I knew it’d been a lot to ask him for help, but I hadn’t had any better ideas. Still didn’t.

Was this class ever going to end? My eyelids were so heavy.

I coughed, the smoke was thick and heavy. I tried holding my breath but in my human body there was a set time limit on how long I could do that. Gasping in more of the acerbic stuff I dodged the flames that licked along the exposed beams of the house I was in. 

Where was he?

“Spike?” I called, my voice hoarse.

I thought I heard something to my left. Forcing my way through the rubble, I fought to heave the broken, jagged pieces of wood out of the way. I was terrified. So many things that could kill my vampire, and I couldn’t find him. I finally had some room and I started running. I realized I wasn’t in a house; this was a church. A cross reared up before me and I shied away before I remembered I was human. Looking back at its looming bulk I realized there was someone tied to it. The figure wearily raised its head. Spike!

No!

I had to get to him, but my feet wouldn’t move. Something had a hold of me! I struggled and watched helplessly as the flames crawled up the cross. I fought with all my might but couldn’t get free. No, no, no, no! The fire reached him and there was a muffled whoosh as his whole body was set ablaze. His pained eyes never left mine.

“Tell me again,” he whispered before the fire consumed him. I screamed.

Hands were on me, holding me down. I screamed again and tried to push them away. I had to get to Spike.

“Buffy!” I knew that voice. I opened my eyes, which I didn’t remember closing.  I was lying on my back on the hard linoleum of a classroom floor. Xander was crouched over me and the faces of my math teacher and the other students were looking curiously at me.

It'd been a dream. Just a regular old nightmare. Not a Slayer dream, I was more than a little familiar with those, and not a vision. It was only a dream. I sobbed with relief.

Xander helped me to my feet and took me to the school nurse, who wrapped me in a rough blanket and gave me apple juice in a box to drink. Xander had to go back to class, but after a few minutes Ms. Calendar came in to the nurse’s office and sat in the chair next to mine. I was less than thrilled to see her. With her and Drusilla being close, every conversation I had with her was a mine field.

“Buffy, is everything okay?” She took my cool hand in between her own.

“Yeah,” I muttered. “I didn’t get much sleep last night and I nodded off in class and had a nightmare.” I shrugged, pulled my hand away from her, and curled my legs up so I could wrap my arms around them.

“Xander said you were screaming.” Her eyes were so sympathetic it made my stomach churn. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I could try and couch it in loose terms so she’d think I was talking about Angel instead of Spike, but the effort didn’t seem worth it. I was tired of hiding who I was and I didn’t have the energy to keep up the charade at the moment. “No,” I finally said. “Not right now, but thank you for coming to check on me.”

Ms. Calendar nodded and left. The nurse let me sit in the chair for all of last period and kept up a steady stream of juice boxes.

When at last I was home I geared up for a patrol that I almost wished I could go on. It’d feel good to fight something.

_Dear Dru-_

_If you can, try to get some good rest tonight. Also call Ms. Calendar. I fell asleep in school and had a nightmare that left me screaming. Cover for it however you want, but she was really worried and deserves to know everything’s okay._

****

I blinked my eyes open to pandemonium.  I was standing on the stairs leading to the main factory floor. Around me there was yelling, howling and the sounds of vampires fighting. Apparently the minions had figured out Spike was incapacitated. Glancing behind me, I saw Dalton hovering in the door to the bedroom with a worried look on his face. I smiled and gave him a wink to let him know it was me now. He slumped in relief.

Looking down at myself I was impressed with the clothes Dru had picked. The dress had a form fitting crimson top with a deep neckline, the skirt was midnight black and flowed like water. The sleeves were also tight, but black and ended at a point on the back of my hands. My nails matched the deep red of the bodice. I looked good.

_Hey demon! I need you for this._

My face crunched and shifted. I sighed around my fangs at the wave of relief that washed through me. Oh, hell yeah, this was going to be fun.

I strode to the middle of the room. Part of me loved the violence and chaos. It was tempting to join in and prove my dominance with my fists, or even just dust the lot of them. Something Slayer-related really wanted that second option. Only it wouldn’t work, I needed the minions as a barrier between Spike and the Scoobies. So I had to go with option C.

“Stop!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, putting as much authority in to voice as I could. To my surprise, and maybe theirs, the minions froze. “Gather ‘round boys and girls, because I’m only going to say this once.” I waited while the vampires hastened to do as I asked. Arrayed in a half circle around me not a one of them dared to even breathe.

I ran my eyes over the mangy group. “Obviously the news of your boss being laid up has reached you and you all felt the need to squabble like children for that top spot. Only you forgot one thing.” I pointed a long crimson nail at myself. “Me.” A few of the group shifted and muttered. I made a note of the closest.

“But she’s insane! Is that what you’re telling yourself?” I grinned widely. “Well, yes, you’re right. I’m completely nuts. What you should be wondering is why you’re not more afraid that I am.”  Sparks were shooting down my arm. My demon knew what to do to cow the idiots in front of me. I beckoned the minion over that I’d noticed had been slightly defiant. It was a tall male with quite an impressive amount of muscle across his shoulders. I looked deep into his yellow eyes. I could see who he’d been in life: not a nice man. I breezed past his turning which had been a sordid affair in an alley in Tijuana. I went deeper, looking for the hidden wants and desires that made him tick. I was swaying slightly, side to side, like a cobra before a rat. I brought my hand up level with his eyes, pointing two fingers into the blackness of his pupils. The sparks through that arm intensified. I added one more need to his mind. One that was immediate and overwhelming.

I broke the contact, feeling giddy. I knew what I’d done. A thrall. I had thrall. I tossed my head back and laughed while my demon purred in contentment. The other minions shifted uncomfortably. The jerk in front of me was blinking. His demon fled but his face wasn’t any less ugly. “Go on, what are you waiting for?”  Turning obediently on his heel the vampire strode to where a chair had been broken in a fight. He snapped off one leg, turned so the gathered minions could see him, and shoved the splintered end of the wood into his chest. He dusted with a smile on his face.

I clapped my hands to get the attention of the stunned group back on me. “I expect no problems. Will I be getting any?” Every head wagged side to side. “Excellent. For now, everyone sticks close to the factory. I need the Slayer and her posse kept away.” I didn’t really expect Giles to try and come here, but I didn’t want to take chances. “Drink pigs blood, we’ll keep the fridge stocked, no hunting because it’ll take you too far from your duties.”

“What if a human comes close by, at night?” A brave vamp piped up from the back.

“If they’re stupid enough to do that, I will not stop you, if that’s what you’re asking.” There was a pleased undertone to the muttering that followed my statement. Good. I didn’t want them to get too suspicious and that had been the right thing to say. Hopefully, the instincts of Sunnydale’s residents would keep them from wondering into a major vampire nest.  “Now, scatter and take up your watch duties.” I glanced back towards the bedroom. “I have things to do.”

The minions hurried away. I heated blood for Spike and was able to find a piece of pipe to use as a straw. Carrying both into the bedroom I found Dalton sitting in my chair, glasses perched on his nose while he read _Crime and Punishment_.  Spike was asleep, the quilt tucked tight around him.

“I take it everything went well?” Dalton asked as I sat on the bed next to Spike.

“They should stay in line for some time. Are we doing okay on cash for blood?”

“For now. Do you want me to leave?”

“No, you can stay. How was Drusilla today?” I ran my hand over Spike’s face, avoiding the still healing burns. I loved him so much. The weight of the feeling was heavy in my chest. There had to be something I could do to help him get better faster. I wished I could ask Willow or Giles; they’d be able to find something. 

Dalton sighed and shifted on the chair. “She had a hard time. She cried until she slept, and then when she woke back up she spent the rest of the time with her dolls. She brushed their hair, changed their clothes, and chatted with them.” I looked at the dresser but the top was still bare. Dalton shrugged. “As dusk approached she put them all away and started getting herself dressed up. I tried to stop her from leaving but she…I think…I couldn’t…” He turned his head away from me, his fingers ruffling the pages of the book.

“She thralled you,” I filled in and he nodded. “I don’t think you had a lot of choice in the matter. If you can, try to avoid her eyes in the future and I’ll let her know that friends don’t thrall friends.”

“Thank you.” He looked a little flustered at me calling him friend. He gestured in my direction with the book. “Now you better get that down him before it clots.” Dalton pointedly returned to reading the book.

“Spike.” I shook him gently and his eyelids fluttered. “Spike, wake up. I brought dinner.” I held the mug of blood close so he could get a good whiff of it. His face shifted as he struggled into consciousness.

“Buffy?” he whispered.

“As much of me as can be here.” He struggled to sit up and I slipped an arm around his back to support him. I brought the make-shift straw to his lips and he drank greedily. When every last drop was gone I set the cup down and helped him lay back down.

The demon melted away and I was looking at wide, blue eyes that were full of pain. His hand clamped on mine. “It hurts,” he gasped. “Burns.” He gritted his teeth and hissed. Letting go, I quickly moved around to the other side of the bed and climbed in. I cuddled up beside him and held on to him as he rode out the waves of agony, until he lost the battle and slid back into unconsciousness.

I kept my arm around him. “Read to me, Dalton.”

“What would you like to hear?”

“Just wherever you’re at in your book is fine. I just don’t want to be alone in my head right now.” Especially not with a demon that was baying for blood and retribution. Dalton’s voice was soothing and I listened to the tone more than the words. I wished for sleep, but it wouldn’t come. Spike could escape from his pain, but the torment at my inability to either fix the situation or punish someone for it left me in agony.

****

_Tuesday, November 25, 1997_

_Dear Buffy-_

_I met Ted last night. Actually I walked in on Mom and him kissing in the kitchen. It was awful, and he’s so weird. Xander and Willow seem to really like him and Mom’s head over heels. I just don’t know. Something feels really off to me about him. Both Angel and Jenny think I’m overreacting. I almost hope I am. I want Mom to be happy, I just don’t think this is the guy. Only would we ever think any guy was good enough for her? Angel asked me that and I didn’t have a good answer for him. Jenny’s wondering if I was feeling this way because it’s how I believe Mom would act if I brought Angel home to meet her. You’ll probably meet him soon and then you can tell me if you think I’m being silly or not._

_Love, Dru_

I had a lot of mixed feeling about her note. One the one hand Drusilla had been around a long time and probably had a pretty good grasp on what made people tick and if she was wary I should be too. On the other hand, I hadn’t had any visions warning me about him so maybe she was just overreacting. Actually, I hadn’t had much in the way of visions lately, period. Maybe evil was taking the holidays off.

I took the notebook with me to school and read what she’d written when I had a spare second. I didn’t know how I wanted to respond. I thought I’d figure it out before the end of the day but no such luck. My reply was still a big giant question mark when I got home. My mom was still at the gallery, so I dumped my backpack on the island in the kitchen and grabbed the milk out of the fridge. After checking the date to make sure it was sometime within the last century I chugged it straight out of the carton. My mom hated when I did that so I got away with it every chance I could.

I headed upstairs with my backpack in my hand. I was singing to myself: “Don’t care what’s written in your history…” I dropped my bag on my bed and turned around. There was a man sitting on the vanity stool in my room. I screeched and jumped backwards.

He was middle aged, dressed in slacks and a short sleeved dress shirt. I glanced past him to my vanity. My Slayer gear was stacked haphazardly on the top. The man was holding one of my old diaries. What was going on? Who was this guy?

My hands flexed into fists. “Have you been going through my things?”

“Yes I have.” He held up the diary. “What exactly is a ‘vampire slayer’?”

I was completely bewildered. “That’s none of your business.”

He snorted. “Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on.” Ted, this had to be Ted.

“Hello! I’m home early today. Are you here Buffy?” My mom’s voice floated up from downstairs.

“Get out of my room,” I ground out.

The man aimed an infuriating smirk at me. “Or what? You’ll ‘slay’ me?” He held the diary up. “Let’s see what your mother has to say when I show her your delusions. You’ll be spending years, not weeks, behind the walls of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy and you’re not getting in the way of that.”

He walked out of my room with my diary in his hand. After a moment of shock I dashed after him, grabbing a handful of his shirt as he was about to go downstairs.

“Take your hands off me!” he roared.

“No!” I yelled back and tried to grab the diary back.

“Buffy?” My mom called up the stairs. “Is that you?”

I pulled a little harder at Ted’s shirt. The crack of his hand across my face startled more than hurt me. I stared at him. I wanted my thrall, my demon. I wanted to toss him at Spike’s feet and tell my vampire that he’d dared to strike me. His life would be less than nothing.

Only–oh god– the image of Spike’s pale, still form flooded my mind with rage. I snarled at Ted, my lips pulled back in a feral grimace. This time when he hit me it was with his fist. My head snapped to the side. I whipped back around I smashed my knuckles into his nose as a growl tore through my chest.  With the hand I still had wrapped in his shirt I tossed him backwards. He hit the wall, careened off, stumbled, and disappeared down the stairs.

The thump of his body as it rolled down the steps was loud. I stalked over to the top of the stairs. Ted was lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom. Good. I ran my tongue over my teeth.

My mother’s shrieks brought me crashing back to myself. She kneeled over Ted’s body, calling his name and shaking him. Her hand fluttered to his throat. With a gasp she looked up at me. “You…you killed him.”

I sat down hard on the top step. I’d killed a human.

The thing I’d been so afraid of when I was in Drusilla’s body had come to pass, only I was the Slayer right now. I had committed the ultimate evil and I had no demon to blame it on, no lack of soul to point to as a reason. I hadn’t really planned for him to go down the stairs. But I’d wanted to hurt him. He’d hurt me and I’d wanted to hurt him back.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur.  Ted’s body was zipped into a bag and taken away. I was taken to the police station and questioned over and over. My Slayer healing worked against me as I didn’t bruise half as much as a regular girl would have from the blow he’d given me. I watched the clock obsessively since there were no windows in the interrogation room. I was going to have to cut it close.

When dusk had almost arrived I begged to be allowed to go to the restroom. Once inside the Ladies’ I quickly locked myself in a stall, sat fully clothed on the toilet, and took out the little notebook.

_Dru-_

_You’re in the bathroom at the police station. Ted was in my room when I got home from school. You were right. He said some nasty things and hit me. I hit him back and he ended up falling down the stairs and dying. I’ve told the police this a bazillion times. He was reading my diary. We were both angry. And then he was dead. End of story. I feel dreadful about this. Mom is super mad and has every right to be. To get back to the interrogation walk straight down the hallway and it’ll be the third door to your left._

_Sorry,_

_Buffy_

I finished writing just in time.

****

_Wednesday, November 26, 1997_

I probably shouldn’t have gone to school. Between the awfulness of what I had done to my mom’s boyfriend and the horror of another night spent watching Spike either be dead to the world or in gut wrenching agony I wasn’t really doing so hot mentally.  Only sitting around at home would have been its own sort of torture. I needed to not be alone. Also, it was the last day of school before Thanksgiving and all the teachers would probably be giving out homework to do over the long weekend.

Okay, what I really needed was Spike to be better. He’d know what to say to help me figure this out. Or not, because he was an evil vampire that’d spent more than a century killing people. Even if he’d only killed one a week that was still…a whole lot of people. He actually might not get why I was upset over one person that’d been–at least mostly–an accident.

I really didn’t know who’d understand. I spent half my time being a soulless vampire and until yesterday I hadn’t realized how much of that I’d been bringing back with me to my regular body. I’d been worried before about being evil or a monster, but that had been when I was in Drusilla’s body and what I did when I was wearing her skin. I didn’t have that excuse now. I’d killed a man. A person. One that my mom cared about. The evil had taken root and come home with me. I couldn’t look Giles in the eye and Willow and Xander’s attempts at cheering me up fell on deaf ears.

As the day wore on my insides wound themselves tighter and tighter. I wasn’t okay. If I didn’t talk to somebody I was going to lose it. When Willow met me in the Library after the final bell so we could plan Thanksgiving holiday patrols I broke down. She wrapped me in a hug and my tears wetted her crazy-colored sweater.

“Do you need to talk, Buffy? I’m a person that’s a friend and I can listen.”

‘No’ was on the tip of my tongue. I lifted my face to look at her earnest one. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Sometimes. I can really try if you need me to.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Which I can see that you do.”

“You might not be my friend after I tell you what I need to.”

Willow snorted. “I seriously doubt that. Now c’mon, let’s find a place we can talk.” She grabbed my hand and led me out of the Library. We walked quickly down the now-empty hallway until we found an empty classroom. She dragged me inside and shut the heavy door. We sat facing each other on the top of a couple of desks.

“Any other time I’d think you were about to make with the juicy Buffy and Angel goodness, but I’m thinking that’s not what’s bothering you, is it?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “You are still somewhere on the Virgin Scale, right?”

“I haven’t budged since we last talked. No, this is a big, scary secret, Willow. One I’m afraid to tell you.”

“I can take it Buffy, really, I can. I’ll listen and be all with the non-judgement and everything. Okay?”

“Well, have you noticed anything off about me during the nights we’re together?”

“Not since you were a space cadet for a little while with the whole cough medicine thing a few months ago. Why?”

I shook my head. “She’s good. Really good.”

“Who?”

“Drusilla.”

“What about Drusilla?”

God, this was hard. “Willow, me and Drusilla have been switching bodies every night since the end of September. The sun goes down and she’s in my body and I’m in hers.”

Willow opened her mouth, closed it, held up finger, lowered it, and opened her mouth again. “How?”

I shrugged. “I don’t have the faintest clue. I haven’t really wanted to find out.”

“Why not?”

“Because then it might stop.”

“Why wouldn’t you want it to stop?”

“Because I don’t!” I snapped. My hand flew to mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. So, um, you’re a vampire half the time?”

“All night, every night.” She was looking at me with very wide eyes. “Oh my god. No! I do not eat people! And neither does Drusilla anymore. She’s got a soul half the time now and she’s actually the one that came up with the way to fix it. There’s a fridge with animal blood at the factory now. I like cheetah.” I swung my legs back and forth, waiting on Willow to speak.

“At night, that’s been Drusilla I’ve been talking to? That hangs out with Ms. Calendar?”

“Yeah, she really likes you guys. She’s your friend too, it’s not some nefarious plot.”

Willow picked at some lint on her sleeve. “How do you guys talk?”

“We have a notebook that we write letters to each other in.”

“So you guys are like, supernatural penpals?”

“Kind of,” I laughed.

“So, I’m friends with a vampire?”

“That sounds like the title of a bad After School Special.”

Willow snorted. “It totally does. Can you do the bumpies and fangs when you’re in her body?”

“Totally. Her demon is not too bad to deal with, just kind of pushy. And I have a thrall now that I’m not exhaust-o girl all the time.”

“Oh, wow. That was you tied up to Angel?”

“Yeah, that was me.”

“Wow, oh, wow, okay. Um…” Her brow furrowed. Suddenly she jumped up, the desk scraping backwards. “Night!” She shook a finger at me. “At night, you’re in Drusilla’s body.” I nodded. “Night, when you’d be able to see Angel.” I winced. “So all that stuff you’ve been telling me, all the good, yummy stuff couldn’t have been with Angel because he’s been helping us out at night.” She put her hands on her hips. “So out with it Buffy! Who the jiminy cricket have you been getting snuggly with?”

“Um…” Crap, she really had me cornered. I resorted to staring at the pink polish on my thumbnail. It hadn’t chipped, even with all fighting I’d been doing.

“Buffy? Why…oh, no! No way, Spike? You’ve been getting kissy-faced with Spike?” Willow’s eyes looked like they were going to fall out of her head.

I crossed my arms and glared at her. “He knows it’s me and not Drusilla. He’s even spent the day with me-me.” I turned away from her to look out the window. The late afternoon sun was slanting through the blinds. I held my hand out so the rays crossed it.  It wasn’t fair.  Drusilla spent half her time in a human body but she still hadn’t regained the sun.

There was a snicker from beside me. Willow had her hand clamped across her mouth and was trying very hard not to laugh “Sorry,” she giggled. “I just…what do you two talk about? Does he list past atrocities and you tell him how you would have stopped him if you’d been there?”

“Willow,” I warned, but she wasn’t listening.

“Then what?” She pretended to be holding a wine glass. “Ah, yes.” She mimed drinking. “Very good, I do believe that’s a 1996 vintage squirrel.”

“Willow!” I yelled, on my feet now. She stopped and quickly sat back down, looking sheepish. “He’s a person, Willow, not a joke, and neither am I. We watch bad TV together and laugh at the same jokes. He reads to me for hours if I want him to. He has this divine way of brushing my hair. He took care of me when I was too weak to do it myself, he makes me smile when I’m down, and he stopped killing. I didn’t even ask him to, but he’s drinking animal blood like I do. He likes hot chocolate with those little marshmallows, and he kisses like a dream. I love him, I love him so much!” I choked back a sob. “On Sunday he protected me when the organ came down on top of us, only it did something to him. He’s either in terrible pain or unconscious, and I can’t do anything about it.” I turned and sent my fist crashing into the chalkboard. It cracked and crumbled but I didn’t feel any better. “And now I don’t know if I’m bringing evil back with me. I killed a human. I pushed him and he died and for a moment, just for a second, I was happy that I’d done it.”

Willow looked stunned. She stared at me, but then her nostrils flared as she took a deep breath. Her lips thinned and her eyes narrowed. Before I knew it she was on her feet and in my face.

“Buffy Anne Summers, you listen to me. You are not evil. The guy punched you and you pushed him away. It wasn’t your fault it was at the top of the stairs. That was an accident. I’d be a little more concerned if you’d ripped his throat out and drank his blood. But you already told me you wouldn’t even do that as a vampire.” She put both her hands on my shoulders. “And this is weird. Super, mega, gigantic weird. Like, weirder than weird. You’re not you half the time.” Her eyes welled up.

“Wills, I’m me all the time. I’m just not always in my body. I know you don’t understand, but I need you to be my friend. I can’t do this alone anymore. It’s so scary. I’m scared.” I was crying now too.

“I’m scared too, but I can try. I can do that. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” I drew her and her crazy sweater into a hug. 

“Hey,” she said, next to my ear.

I pulled back to look at her. “What?”

“Did you say you spent the day with Spike?”

“Yeah, he came to my house and we hung out.” I shrugged. “It was pretty cool.”

She blushed. “So which notch on the, uh, scale was that?”

“The last one.”

Willow covered her eyes with her hands. “I’m trying really hard to not have a visual.”

I scrunched up my nose at her. “Have you even seen him without his vamp face? Did he already have it on when you got to the church?”

“Uh, no. It’s kinda part of the visual.”

I rolled my eyes. “You really need to see him without the fangs. No visuals until then.” I smiled. “He’s got blue eyes.”

“I’m sure he’s fabulous. So, now that I know, what do I do at night?”

“I’ll write Dru and tell her you know. Then just keep being her friend. She needs support badly and you’re a really awesome friend to have.”

She grinned and straightened her shoulders. “I am, aren’t I?’’

“The best.” 

****

_Dear Dru-_

_Willow knows. I told her and despite what you may be thinking it was totally on purpose. I need someone to lean on while I’m here. Someone that knows the truth. She’s going to come over and hang out with you after patrol, so don’t be all weird._

****

Spike was sleeping and I was doing my best not to touch his eyelashes. They looked soft and I was wondering if they’d feel the same way.  Dalton and I were in our usual spots: him in the chair with a book and me sitting on the edge of the bed beside Spike, who was lying on his back.

“Dalton.” I glanced up at him. “Will you tell me about Arthur?”

The historian snapped his book closed and sat up straighter. “Sure, on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Tell me what you saw in your vision that makes you ask that.”

I stretched myself out on my side next to Spike. There wasn’t much room between him and the edge of the bed but I scrunched in against him the best I could. My head rested on his shoulder and I wrapped one arm around his chest.

I sighed softly, my eyes focused on Dalton. “I saw you, it must have not been long after you were turned, you were destroying your apartment.” The vampire clasped his hands together and rested them in his lap. “There was a picture,” I continued. “It was next to your typewriter. You paused in the middle of trashing everything to look at it, then you smashed the glass and ripped up the picture. I saw ‘Love, Arthur’ was written on the back.”

Dalton was very still. “I shouldn’t have done that. I should have taken it with me. Can you describe the man in the picture? It’s all kind of fuzzy now.”

“Sure. Handsome guy with his dark hair slicked back. He had a mustache, a thin one. He sort of reminded me of Clark Gable.” Dalton was nodding, tears on his cheeks. I fell silent and waited.

Dalton’s voice was laced with grief. “Arthur was an economics professor at the same college I taught at. He was a confirmed bachelor, like I was. We met during an extremely boring faculty meeting. It was always this big joke. If any one of the speakers had actually been engaging, we might not have caught each other checking the other out.” He smiled through the tears. “It was different in those days. We had to be very circumspect or risk being fired or worse. Much worse. We never could see each other as often or as much as we wanted to.”

My arm tightened around Spike. I knew the feeling.

“I can’t quite remember his face anymore, or the way he smelled. I should have kept that picture.”

“Dalton,” I said, needing to ask. “When you were turned…did you?”

“No! No, I didn’t kill him. I never saw him again. I was decades before I’d even let myself think about him. Now I get second-hand economics textbooks and check the index to see if he’s cited. The only comfort I have is seeing his name in stark black and white on a page.” Dalton leaned forward, his head in his hands.

My fingers dug into Spike’s chest. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, the words completely inadequate.

Dalton looked up at me and he shifted into his demon face. His words were a snarl. “If you love him, Slayer, never let him go. Build a wall around your hearts and never let anyone, not your family, not society, tell you it’s wrong to love one another. They’ll try, but don’t let them in. Don’t end up like me, loving nothing but dust.” He stood up. “I...I need a drink.” I nodded and he left the room.

I buried my nose against Spike’s neck, breathing him in. I was the Slayer, I knew how to fight. I’d fight for this. It’s not like my life was ever going to be easy.

****

_Thursday, November 27, 1997 (Thanksgiving)_

I rang the doorbell of my own home. I’d put my hair up in a ponytail and was wearing jeans and one of Spike’s t-shirts, desperately trying to radiate normal instead of scary vampire. I missed Spike like crazy and it felt wrong to be out without him, but he’d insisted, while he’d been awake and drinking his blood, that I go see my mom on Thanksgiving. While I didn’t believe he minded me fussing over him, I thought maybe he wanted a break from it. A chance to deal with the pain without also having to reassure someone else that he was okay.

So now here I was, feeling decidedly odd.

My mom opened the door.

I smiled at her. “Hi, I’m Buffy’s friend Drusilla, but please call me Dru. Um, Buffy told me things were a little difficult right now, so I really appreciate you having me over despite that and I’m sorry for your loss.”

Mom smiled back, though she still looked tired and drawn, and swung the door open wider. “Come in, the girls are upstairs.” Thank god, a general invitation. I’d been worried about her saying something including the name Drusilla and finding myself walking into an invisible barrier because the magic was attuned to the fact that I wasn’t Dru. That would have been really hard to explain.

I walked into the house and was nearly bowled over by the scents coming from the kitchen. My eyes nearly rolled back into my head. “Wow, Mrs. Summers, that smells amazing!”

“Why thank you very much. Cooking today has actually been good therapy, so I’m afraid I’ve made way too much. I’m very glad you’re here to help eat it. Do you want me to call the girls down?”

“I’ll go say hi first, if you don’t mind.”

My mom nodded and I headed up the steps. I really wanted to go sink my fangs–uh, teeth– into the pumpkin pie I could smell cooling. I’d been super glad when Spike had told me that there was no problem with eating regular food. He’d cursed up a storm about the Council and how ignorant they were. I’d just smiled and nodded. He was preaching to the choir.

I headed for my room, knocking on the partially closed door before pushing it open and walking in.  There was an incredibly strange moment as I locked eyes with Drusilla in my body. She and Willow were sitting against the side of my bed. Dru stood slowly. In a simultaneous movement we reached for each other and hugged fiercely. It was beyond comforting.

Neither of us wanted to let go. “Uh, guys?” Willow’s voice sounded like it was miles away. “Weirded out best friend over here.” We stepped apart, but one of my hands found hers and we interlaced our fingers.

“Hi, Drusilla,” I said, shyly.

“Hi, Buffy!” She gave me a huge smile.

We sat down facing each other, our hands still clasped. Willow was doing her best not to freak out.

“Can I see?” Dru asked, leaning forward a little. “I’ve never been able to, I don’t even have a photograph.”

There was no question what she was asking about. My face shifted with that soft crunch that felt way better than it had any right to.  Dru let my hand go so she could clap in delight. “So pretty!” she cooed. “Don’t you think so, Willow?”

Dru ran her hands over the bumps and ridges, obviously delighted. Willow looked more terrified that anything. That wasn’t good. “It’s just me, Willow.” I shrugged. “Do you want to feel too?”

Slowly she drew closer to me and reached one tentative finger out to trace my brow. The demon was pleased with her fear and accelerated heart rate, but I told it to shut up, these people weren’t food. Surprisingly the demon listened. A wave of protectiveness washed over me. In the demon’s understanding if they weren’t to be eaten they must be family. I found myself purring as their hands explored my face.

“Does it hurt? When you change?” Willow asked.

“No, feels good,” Dru answered.

“Like scratching an itch in the middle of your back.” I smiled tentatively, a little embarrassed to show my fangs.

Dru pushed my lip back. “So lovely.”

I rolled my eyes and Willow giggled.

Pain knifed into my skull at that moment. I lurched back. Strong, warm, hands grabbed me and guided me to the bed.

“What’s wrong?” Willow gasped.

“Vision,” Dru said. Pain stabbed again, insistent.

****

_Darkness. The sound of rain. A scream. White smoke wafted through the darkness. Dread, oppressive and sticky, weighed down on me. Something foul was in the dark with me. I could hear its steps as it got closer and closer. It would crush me and all those I love. I didn’t know which way to run. I tried. I fled, darting this way and that. But always the creature was nipping at my heels. At last I gave up, a rabbit trembling and waiting for the wolf. “Buffy…” The voice was right behind me. “Buffy…I’m coming for you.”_

****

Dru was cradling me as I swam back to reality. Her heartbeat–my heartbeat– a steady rhythm that grounded me.

Willow was sitting at the end of the bed, my feet propped in her lap. “Buffy, are you okay?”

“Besides having the mother of all headaches? I’m good.” I groaned and Dru helped me to sit on the edge of my bed.

“What did you see?” she asked, and I turned my head to look into my own green eyes.

“Evil.”

****

I arrived back at the factory with a piece of pumpkin pie and a plastic fork carefully wrapped in a paper towel. It’d been torture to smell it as I’d walked through a silent Sunnydale. I probably could have eaten the whole pie myself.

Ignoring the various minions loitering about, I slipped silently into the bedroom. Dalton was asleep, his head tilted back and his book having slipped from his fingers to the floor. Spike was asleep as well, but propped up against the headboard. A rerun of the local news was playing silently on the TV.

“Hey,” I said, sitting down next to him.

His eyes opened and he smiled. “Hey, yourself.” His nostrils flared. “What is that smell?”

I unwrapped the paper towel from his gift. “It’s a piece of my mom’s pumpkin pie.” Setting it on the nightstand I used the fork to slice off a bite.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had pumpkin pie before.” He was smiling, but his eyes were tight and drawn. The pain was still gnawing at him. But if he was going to ignore it, so was I.

“You’re in for a treat then.” I tried to hand him the fork but he just smirked and opened his mouth. I fed him, and I thought he was going to be all lewd about it, but then the taste hit his tongue. His eyes rolled up a little and he moaned.

“Can you cook that?” he asked as I got him another bite.

“I can learn.” I shoved the fork and pie in his mouth to shut him up.

For him, I could do anything.


	20. Taking Care

It's hard to lead the life you choose

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Sympathy”

****

_Saturday, November 29, 1997_

The microwave beeped. For a second I was confused until everything snapped into focus. I was holding one cup of blood that was about half full. Judging from the taste in my mouth Drusilla had been drinking it. I was crouched down in front of the microwave. I rolled my eyes. Freaking Dru had probably been watching the cup spin around as the blood heated.

Dalton was sitting at the table, a thick tome open in front of him and his own mug in his hand. “Is this for Spike?” I asked.

“Yes.”  He hesitated. “Buffy?”

“Mm-hmm.” I was scarfing down the rest of my dinner so I could take Spike his.

“I hope you don’t think me rude, but I have a suggestion.” His eyes were fixed on his book.

“Go on.”

“Well, I think it would help if you drank the other cup as well and then…” He adjusted his collar with one finger. “Er, if you then let Spike drink from you. Sire blood would help him greatly.” Dalton turned his face away from me and squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. I nearly asked him what he was being so weird about but then it clicked, what me and Spike had done when I’d drunk from him. My friend was being all weird because he was basically saying I should perform a sex act with my guy. A weird, freaky, vampiric sex act. I would have blushed if I’d been able to.

I already wore my demon face since I was eating and the demon itself seemed thrilled at the prospect. It started giving me a technicolored slide show of possibilities.

Oh My God! I was so not doing _that_ , ever…probably.

I couldn’t actually fool the demon. I covered up the fact that my mind had turned into a cesspool by hastily stuffing myself with the blood from the cup in the microwave.

“Thanks,” I said to Dalton as I walked past him. I was so full I was surprised I wasn’t sloshing.

“I’ll just be out here,” he called to my back. I lifted a hand to let him know I’d heard him.

In the bedroom I wasn’t surprised to find Spike fast asleep. He was on his back with an arm thrown over his eyes.  I crawled onto the bed from my side, snuggled up beside him, and kissed him on the cheek. He woke up slowly, blinking as he uncovered his eyes and threaded his hand into my hair. I watched him as the lines around his eyes appeared from the pain setting in. “Slayer?” he asked quietly.

“It’s me.” I kissed him again, a peck on the lips, but his hand caught the back of my head and brought my mouth back to his. The kiss was searing and the butterflies in my stomach were tying and untying knots as fast of they could by the end of it.

“I missed you,” he whispered against my cheek. “And you taste like dinner.” He frowned, not seeing a cup. “Didn’t forget me, did you?”

“Not exactly.” I helped him sit up against the headboard, making sure the pillows were just right. It’d been almost a week and while the burns were nearly gone his lack of strength and continued pain were really starting to alarm me. At least he was conscious and talking to me.

“So what’s ‘not exactly’ mean? I’m not going to have to sing for my supper, am I?” He smiled and twisted a lock of my hair around one of his fingers.

With a grin I straddled his lap and brought a hand to my throat, caressing my own skin gently. “Dalton said Sire blood would be good for you.”

Spike’s nostril’s flared and his eyes darkened. “Are you sure, Buffy?”

“I’m very-“ I placed a hand on each of his t-shirt clad shoulders. “Very-“ I flipped my hair away from one side of my neck and leaned over close to my vampire’s face. “Sure.”

He vamped out with a snarl, his arms clamping around me. He struck, fangs going deep, and my whole body erupted with sensation. I was hot, cold, a live wire showering sparks. I whimpered, wiggling against him. Every pull of blood into his mouth was answered by a throb from between my legs. “Spike.” It was a needy sob. He hummed in pleasure against my neck.

My hands were grasping at his shoulders, fingernails digging in. I was pushing my hips down against his desperate for contact. I was quickly forgetting my own rules. I wanted, no, needed him. And then I became acutely aware that he wasn’t pushing back. His arms still held me, but he wasn’t moving his pelvis against me at all. The hardness I was expecting wasn’t there. My mind raced. He hadn’t tried getting out of bed since he’d been hurt. He’d been too weak to even worry about it.

“Slayer?” Spike asked, his head falling back against the pillows. His voice was slurred and dark blood coated his lips. I had to quell another pulse of desire that raced through me. I clenched my hands into fists to keep from touching him. Gently, I climbed off him so I was kneeling beside him and pulled the blankets the rest of the way off of him.

“Can you wiggle your toes?” I stared at his bare feet.

“What?”

“Just try.”

“I am.” They didn’t move. I crawled down the bed and ran my hands over the deceptively delicate looking bones of one foot. “I can’t…Oh, god, I can’t feel that,” he whispered, horror in his voice. I tried pushing harder, but he just shook his head. “I can’t move. I’m trying…I hadn’t realized.” Panic was laced into every word.

“Shhhh,” I soothed, moving so I could wrap my arms around him. “It’ll get better. You’ll get better.” I nuzzled against his shoulder. I was pretty sure I wasn’t lying. Vampires could heal from almost anything.

“I couldn’t… I can’t…” He was staring at the front of his jeans. “That’s how you knew something was wrong.” He tried to flinch away from me.

“Quit it! That doesn’t matter right now.”

He turned his head to glare at me. “It’s not your bits that aren’t working.”

“What do you mean they’re not mine?” I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at him. A hint of a smile ghosted across his lips. There, that was better. However, I still needed to know more about what was going on, because obviously it was way worse than some bumps and bruises. “Tell me about the pain.”

Spike sighed. He closed his eyes and leaned against me. “Middle of my back is the worst of it. Hurts like all bloody get out, like I’m being shocked continuously. Can burn too, like it’s still on fire. Shoots out over the rest of me sometimes as well. It’s not a tickle, I can tell you that much.”

“I don’t really know all that much about stuff like that. I’ll ask Willow tomorrow. She’s pretty smart about everything.”

“Thanks.” He was gritting his teeth.

“You okay?” I asked, alarmed.

“It’s getting really bad. Tell me…” He grimaced and I could feel him tense up beside me. “Tell me how Lorenzo’s doing. Was your mum very mad?”

It was a distraction, for him or for me, I couldn’t tell. Maybe both. “I told her I was bird sitting for Willow’s second cousin while she got cancer treatment. I figure imaginary second cousin can die from imaginary cancer and then it’d be cruel for Mom to make me get rid of him.” Spike smirked, but it quickly turned into a pained grimace. I started to hope he’d pass out. “I think he likes being in my room. I open the windows while I’m doing homework so he can get some fresh air. On Thanksgiving he went nuts when I showed up as Dru. I guess he misses her.”

“He just got used to seeing you as her, is all. You were the only kind voice in the whole place. Dru on her own would have just let him die.”

I pressed a kiss to Spike’s furrowed forehead. “I don’t think I told you he’s started talking.”

“No, I haven’t heard this yet. What’s he say?”

“Well, not much, but you’re not going to believe this.”  He quirked an eyebrow at me. I smiled and ran a finger lightly over it. “I was getting ready for school and Lorenzo was hopping around in his cage, sort of whistling and clucking like he does. I stopped to pet him and he puffs up his feathers and turns those little black eyes on me and squawks…” I paused for dramatic effect. 

“Out with it, woman.” He was struggling to smile around the pain.

“He squawks: Bloody Hell! In the cutest little bird voice ever.”

Spike snorted. “Are you kidding me?”

“Not at all. I don’t know where he could have picked _that_ up from. I was laughing so hard my mom came to see what was up and Lorenzo obligingly repeated it several more times. I think he was pretty proud of himself.”

“What did Mum say?”

“Let’s leave it at the fact that imaginary cancer-having second cousin now also has an imaginary British boyfriend.”

Spike shook his head, then winced and clutched at his temples. I felt so helpless. He’d always known just what I’d needed when I’d been the weak one. I was talking to him about a parrot and a made up person. Way to go useless me. “What can I do?” I sounded lost.

“Read to me, whatever ridiculous thing they’re making you go through in school. As long as I can hear you, I’ll know you’re here.” I helped him lay back down and went to search the stand next to my chair for the copy of Kesey’s _One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_ that I knew was there. I’m not sure it was the most appropriate thing to read your hurting vampire boyfriend, but it would do for now.

I settled back beside him and flipped open the well-worn copy of the book. “They’re out there. Black boys in white suits…”

****

_Sunday, November 30,1997_

I woke up to the telephone ringing. “Hello?” I answered groggily.

“Buffy!” It was Willow.

“Yeah?” I sat up and rubbed at my eyes.

“Have you read Dru’s note yet?”

“Huh? No, I just woke up. Hang on.”  I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and over to my vanity. Yawning, I picked up the notebook.

_Dear Buffy,_

_Last night was wild! After patrol Willow came over and we were making popcorn in the kitchen while Mom was putting a movie on and who should come strolling in? Ted! Right through the kitchen door. There was a lot of screaming and I hit him with a frying pan. It turns out that the guy was a robot. Honest to God, he was all wires and stuff. He got back up and came after us again but I guess Angel had been outside and he heard the screaming and between the two of us we managed to rip the robot apart and stop him. Then I had to explain to your Mom who Angel was. So she thinks I now have a boyfriend who’s a freshman in college. Willow was super nice and said how nice Angel had been to me and how much he helped me with school. But I think Mom is still going to want to have “the talk” with you today. I never got “the talk” from my mom, since it was something a girl might get whispered to about the night before the wedding, if she was lucky, and I was never even engaged. It makes me sad now, so many things I never got to do. Did you know William was a virgin when I turned him?_

_Love, Dru_

Okay, wow. She went all over the place in that letter, was my babbling rubbing off on her? And really, some of it I hadn’t needed to ever find out about. Plus Mom knew about Angel now. That should be a blast.

“Buffy?” a tiny voice was calling. Right, the phone. “Buffy, are you there.”

“Hey! Sorry Wills, I got caught up reading the letter.”

“It’s so great Ted was a robot, right? A really creepy, scary robot! You didn’t kill a human!” She was very excited for me, which was nice, especially because I felt that I should be more excited than I was.

“Yeah, that’s great. What’s all this about Angel and my mom knowing about him?”

“Oh, he came charging in like some white knight and Dru and he totally kicked Ted’s butt. It was really cool. Then they kissed, right in front of your mom. Which wasn’t so cool, because she got kind of angry. So we said he’s eighteen and a freshman at the local college. I’m not sure she bought it. It was a good thing Angel was there, though, because he volunteered to get rid of what was left of the wiggy Ted-bot.”

I groaned. “My mom’s going to freak. Dru says she wants to have the ‘sex-talk’ with me today.”

“Just do what you usually do, every time she says ‘Angel’ substitute ‘Spike’ in your head.”

“Gee, thanks. Actually I have a question for you about Spike.”

“Um, okay.”

I twisted the phone cord around my fingers. “He got hurt pretty bad when the organ came down on us. Lots and lots of pain in his back, and he can’t move or feel his feet.”

“Sounds like his spinal cord was severed.”

“Yeah,” I said dully.

“But he’s a vampire so he should get better, right?”

“I think so, but it’s not happening fast and he’s in agony.” I sniffled and the tears in my eyes started making their way down my face.

“It might be because the nerves have to regrow. It’s something humans can’t do, and it’s probably super painful because at first the nerve ends wouldn’t be covered by that protective stuff…mayo…mylo…myelin. That’s it, the nerves have to myelinate before they’ll work right.”

I exhaled and wiped my cheeks on my sleeve. “Okay, I’m glad someone was paying attention in biology.”

“He’ll get better, Buffy.”

“I know, there’s just so much pain, and seeing him hurting make me hurt.”

“I’m sorry, I wish I could do something. I can’t even hand you a Kleenex over the phone.”

“Distract me.  How are things going with Oz?”

“Better than good. Have I told you about how he holds his hand on the guitar neck? He says there’s a special way he does it when he’s thinking of me on stage…” She was off and running. I settled back and let my mind focus on her words and watched the sky brighten outside my window as the sun crawled up. I hated the light for keeping from where I wanted to be. I hated not having a choice.

****

_December 1997_

The weeks blended together for me. Finals came and went and I credited my not failing anything to Dalton. I’d have seriously been floundering in math without his help.

The dreaded sex talk never happened. My mom put it off that first day, then the next and then she just seemed to forget about it. Drusilla managed to keep Angel out of Mom’s sight and neither of us were dumb enough to actually talk to her about him, even in passing.

Dalton and I put our heads together and decided we needed to get a few things. It turned out thralling humans was ridiculously easy, and as long as I had a full tummy the demon only wanted me to bite them out of habit instead of need and was easily ignored. With Dalton driving an old van I had him take me to a strip mall. The clerk in a medical supply store decided to donate a snazzy black and red wheelchair to me, the pharmacist believed I had a prescription for painkillers and gave me a month’s supply. I was on a roll and got a nice new TV with a remote at Radioshack along with a VCR.

Spike was delighted with the electronics and the painkillers, a little less so with the wheelchair. Especially when I made him an impromptu ramp with plywood and cinderblocks so he could get up the shallow stairs between our hallway and the main floor of the factory. Eventually the ability for him to get his own food whenever he wanted won him over.

I felt bad about the stealing later, when I was back in my Slayer body, but only a little but because it was all stuff that’d needed to be done and I’d used the resources at my disposal to do so. There wasn’t a reason to let it bother me.

Christmas itself was a nice day with my mom. My dad was a complete no show, which was probably for the best. I was pretty cranky as it was with Spike still suffering, I probably would have just been a royal pain in the ass. So a quiet day with lots of hot chocolate, fuzzy socks, and plenty of time to contemplate what I was going to get at the mall with my gift cards was just what I needed.

The factory wasn’t anywhere near so peaceful when I got there.

“Look, mate, the girl is not going to bleeding care about half that stuff.” Spike was sitting in his chair, snarling at Dalton. I was on the end of the bed, dressed in festive green and red.

“I’m just saying she’s young, and often such gestures can have more meaning than-“

“She’s also sitting right here,” I broke in.

Both men instantly looked contrite.

“ ‘Lo, luv. Come here and give us a Christmas kiss.”  I walked over to him and he grabbed my hand to tug me down for a quick peck on lips before quickly letting go. I frowned, I was going to need more touchy than that. I knew he was still weirded out that not all of him was working right but it was Christmas and he didn’t get to push me away on Christmas.

“So what was the argument about?” I toed the floor with one of the surprising stylish shoes Dru had chosen.

“I was suggesting that perhaps we should go for a drive, look at the Christmas lights. While the holiday isn’t very important to demons for the obvious reasons, I was thinking you might appreciate the gesture.”

I nearly opened my big mouth and put my foot in it. It did sounds wonderful, but Spike wouldn’t be the one driving. It would make him nuts to not be the one showing me around, to be just another passenger. Luckily I caught myself in time.

“That does sound nice.” I smiled at Dalton and heard the wheelchair squeak behind me: Spike gearing up to put on a show that everything was okay, believing that by doing so he would make me happy. “But I’ve had a really long day and I know what I’d like to do instead.”

I grabbed the TV remote and flipped the set on, going through the channels until I found it: _A Charlie Brown Christmas_. “No complaints about how tough, scary vampires can’t watch a cartoon. I don’t want to hear it. It’s what I want to do and that’s final.”

Spike shrugged and arranged his wheelchair so he could transfer himself to the bed. I grabbed the hairbrush off the vanity and helped him position his legs so I could sit between them. I settled in and handed him the brush.

Dalton was still standing, looking like he didn’t know what to do with himself. I reached over and patted the bed. “Come grab yourself a seat.”

“You sure?” His head was down and he looked like he wanted to do nothing more than rollover and expose his throat to me.

“Just do what the girl wants,” Spike grumbled from behind me. Dalton reluctantly sat down. It took him most of _Charlie Brown_ to relax enough to sit back against the headboard.  It was about that time that Spike and I figured out that he’d never seen the show before. We must have both looked completely shocked because the poor guy started to stammer an apology.

“Dalton, chill, it’s okay. You’ve seen it now.” I’d kicked my shoes off a while ago and reached over with one foot to gently push his leg.

“I just haven’t really had access to a TV much, before.” His hands were clenched tightly in his lap. I wondered, not for the first time, what made him and Spike so different from all the other vampires I’d known. Admittedly most of those relationships only lasted until I could dust them, but there was something very… _human_ about these two, something that most vampires lacked. I felt special that I got to see it, that whatever curse was making me and Dru switch had given me a chance to see it.

I tucked my leg under me and leaned back against Spike’s chest. He’d set the brush down a while ago but was still running his fingers off and on through my hair. It was nice and homey.

The next movie playing was A Christmas Story and when it turned out Dalton hadn’t seen that one either we of course had to watch it. During one of the commercial breaks I scampered out and brought back three cups of blood along with some candy canes that were sitting on the table. I tried really hard not to think about where they might have come from, though it was a little difficult since I could smell the human blood on the wrapper.

Both me and Spike ripped the plastic off and immediately stuck the candy in our blood. Minty puma? Yes, please! Dalton looked at us like we were crazy but was eventually overcome by peer pressure.

“Hey this isn’t bad!” he exclaimed around the candy stuck between his fangs. It was the least alarming vampire sight, ever. I giggled and snuggled against Spike. I hoped Dru was having a good time with Mom and since it was Christmas and I was feeling very giving, I even hoped that Angel snuck in for a quick yuletide kiss and hug. After all, it was a day for being with those you loved.

****

_Thursday, January 1, 1998_

It was my first glass of champagne and my first New Year’s kiss.

One tasted better than the other.

Last year I’d moved to Sunnydale, made some great friends, died, killed the Master, had nearly been killed by Spike, started switching bodies with Drusilla, fell in love, and made more friends in the last place I’d ever expected to. I also learned that life wasn’t black and white and that you should hold onto love and happiness wherever you could find it.

I didn’t know if I wanted the next year to be any more exciting, but I was sure looking forward to finding out what it would hold for me.

I felt kind of bad when I returned home and found out that Dru had spent the whole night chasing after some crazy demons that could only come out to play on that one night. She’d kept them from doing much damage but had been too exhausted when she got home to even shower. I ended up spending the first day of the year washing mud and demon blood out of my hair and off my sheets.

Figures.

****

_Monday, January 12, 1998_

The new semester started off with a rousing lecture from my Watcher about how we needed to end the threat of Spike and Drusilla once and for all.

He droned on and on about sacred duty this and Chosen One that.

Xander feel asleep. Cordy got up and left, but since I was the Slayer I had to look serious and at least pretend to pay attention. It didn’t help that Willow was completely cracking up every time Giles turned his back on her. She was also not being helpful with the talking.

“Buffy.” Giles looked at me sternly over the top of his glasses. “I realize Spike is a very difficult opponent for you to face.”

“I’m sure she knows just how difficult he can be.” Willow piped up, pretending to look through the dusty old book lying on the table in front of her.

“Yeah, he’s real difficult and annoying, mostly annoying.”

“Annoying?” My watcher was perplexed.

I nodded emphatically. “Annoying.”

“I’m not sure characterizing a murderous creature such as William the Bloody as annoying is entirely appropriate. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

“Just dandy.” I narrowed my gaze at Willow. She had both hands over her heart and was sighing dramatically while fluttering her eyelashes. I covered my need to laugh by chugging down the rest of the bottle of water I’d been drinking.

“Look, Buffy, you need to stop taking this lightly. These vampires are a serious threat to you, me, your mother, and everyone else in this town. You need to take your responsibilities regarding them seriously.”

“I’ll do my best.”

The bell rang and I jumped up and grabbed Willow and a slightly confused Xander.

“Huh, where’re we going?” He rubbed at his eyes.

“Health class,” I grumbled.  I was going to have to stop at the bathroom first, all the water had caught up to me again.

“Yeah, we’re talking more about sex this semester.” Willow smiled guilelessly at Xander before turning to grin at me.  “Because some of us have more notches to go than others on the Virgin Scale.”

I groaned.

“Virgin Scale?” Xander’s brows knotted themselves together. “Okay, that’s the last time I fall asleep in the Library because I obviously missed something really important.”

****

_Wednesday, January 14, 1998_

_Dear Buffy,_

_This egg project is entirely ridiculous. It is not at all like caring for an actual child. I don’t understand what it is meant to teach. You should know that the Gorch Brothers are in town, I ran into one of them at the mall after we’d switched. Also, you forgot to write that I was supposed to be picking up Mom’s dress at the tailors. Now we’re grounded for being irresponsible._

_Dear Dru,_

_Who knows why teachers do anything? Just make sure the stupid thing doesn’t get broken. Did you get any sleep last night? I was exhausted today, to the point other people were noticing. I’m sorry I got us grounded._

_Thursday, January 15, 1998_

_Dear Buffy,_

_The eggs are not eggs! I got back from patrolling and it was moving and this hideous thing hatched out of it. I’ve seen a lot of things in my time but I have no idea what it is. I wrapped it up in a pillowcase for you to take to Giles. I fear the worse. I phoned Willow but she said she put hers in the fridge so hopefully she is fine._  

****

It turned out Willow wasn’t fine. She, along with Cordy and who knows how many other health class students, were possessed by the things in the eggs. I’d seen the movie _Alien_. I knew how this went.

Now I was stuck in a closet with Xander, and I really had to pee. To the point I was basically doing the dance.

“What’s with all the water lately?” He asked as I wrenched the door open, fleeing down the hall to the girl’s bathroom. Xander followed me in.

“What are you doing?” I squeaked.

“I’m not staying out there by myself with those things!”

“Fine, and for your information hydration is very important.” I gave up and ran into a stall, barely getting my pants down in time. Thankfully Xander refrained from saying anything as I washed my hands. Hopefully there’d be no mention of it ever again. I’d be good with that.

Looking through the rest of the school we found the book Giles had left out in the library talking about bezoar demons, which looked like something Lovecraft would have nightmares about. We ended up following a student–I think his name was Jonathan–down to the basement were we found all the good little bezoar-zombies working to free the mother.

Yay.

Looking at them really squicked me out. More than it just being people I knew. Their bodies had been taken away from them against their will, their minds replaced and they had no control over what happened to them. It was unsettling in a spine tingling, gut clenching kind of way.

Luckily I didn’t have a whole lot of time to ponder the situation. Xander and I split up, him to stop the spread of the eggs and me to get something to take out mommy bezoar with. To make things even more fun the Gorch brothers showed up. I was ticked for about two seconds, right up until the punches started flying. The fighting felt good. Really, super, amazingly good. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be the Slayer.

I was freaking incredible.

The bezoar gave me an assist with one of the Gorch brothers before trying to drag me down too. At the last second I grabbed a pick-axe. It was the one my own mother tried to hit me with but I wasn’t in a position to be picky. The inside of the bezoar was really dark and gross. The smell was unearthly. I barely had enough room to swing the pick-axe the first couple times, but eventually I got the hang of it.

Scrambling back out of the thing, covered in demon ick, I must have looked pretty scary because the second Gorch brother just took off running. Fine by me.

He wasn’t much of a big bad, not like my vampire at all.  Spike totally wouldn’t have been put off fighting me just because I’d ended some pre-primordial super demon. Lyle Gorch was a total loser.

I hadn’t lost my notebook and hastily pulled it out as the students and teachers began to dazedly walk out of the basement.

_Dear Dru-_

_It was a bezoar demon! I totally kicked its ass. The remaining Gorch brother shouldn’t be bothering us again any time soon. Mom was totally possessed by one of those creatures and probably knows that I wasn’t in the Library so we’ll probably be extra grounded. I’m sor–_

****

The vertigo hit and left me sitting at the table with a mug of blood in my hand and a very cranky looking Spike sitting in his chair across from me, a Marlboro dangling from his lips.

“I hate watching you do that,” he grumbled.

“It doesn’t feel that wonderful either.” I took a sip of the blood and grimaced. Regular old beef blood.

“Yeah, tell me about how terrible it is right before you stand up and walk somewhere.” He took a drag on the cigarette and blew the smoke towards the ceiling.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“You sodding should be. Coming out here doing what, exactly? Seeing me so you can have laugh with your little school chums all day about how useless I am?” He flicked the butt of his cigarette angrily onto the floor.

This was so not what I needed. I closed my eyes and felt the demon snarling. I let it out. With a growl I pounced on the table, my face right up in Spike’s. “Who peed in your Cheerios? I’ve had the day from hell. Most of my school got turned into mindless zombies and you have one guess who got to dive into, that’s inside, the belly of a bezoar demon to kill it!” That made his eyebrows go up. “Not to mention me, Dalton and Dru have been working on a way to safely get me here during the daytime so that I can give you fresh, on tap Slayer blood. So whatever fantasy you’re spinning in that head of yours about me laughing at you and enjoying seeing you like this, it doesn’t actually exist.”

Spike reached for me. “I-“

I slapped his hand away roughly and his own demon face emerged. “I’m not done! I’ve been spending what little money I have on iron pills and b-vitamins and have been drinking more water than I ever have before in my life to make sure I’m completely hydrated and ready to go as soon as we figure something out. Which means I have to pee way more than normal. And that’s very irritating.”

“Now are you done?” he asked warily.

“Um, I think so.” Most of the anger had left me now that I’d had my say.

“Good.” He grabbed me and pulled me off the table onto his lap. I squeaked in a token protest as he mauled my mouth with his. God, it felt like forever since we’d last kissed. I had one arm around his neck and the other hand on the back of his head, my fingers curling into his hair.

I was panting when he broke the kiss. “Tell me again, Slayer.”

“I love you.”

He smiled, fangs glinting. “I love you, too.” He nuzzled against my hair and his hands gently petted me. He’d been so prickly for such a long time now that I nearly wept with relief. My demon receded and I clung to him, comforted by the purr rumbling through his chest. “Anything you’d like to do tonight, luv?” he finally asked against the top of my head.

“Actually, yeah.” I bit my lip. “If you’ll let me.”

He chuckled. “That sounds ominous.”

Unfolding myself from his lap I stood up. “Maybe?” I quirked my lips. “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while.”

“Don’t keep a bloke in suspense.”

“I want to take care of you.” He gave me a puzzled look. I dropped my eyes to the spokes on the wheel of his chair. “I’d like to…um, could I…give you a bath? Like a sponge bath? I know it’s hard for you to get in the shower and I’d really like to do something for you, and I know it’s kind of weird…” I risked looking back up at him. Spike had that trademark leer of his firmly in place. “Uh, say something, before I dust from embarrassment.”

“But all that embarrassment is so bloody cute.” He rested his elbows on the arms of the chair and steepled his fingers under his chin. “So let me get this right. While you’ve been hanging out with your mates at lunch and sitting in class taking notes on math and Shakespeare you’ve been thinking about getting your hands all over the big bad?”

“Something like that.” Okay, exactly that.

With a sharp movement he spun his chair around and headed for the bedroom. “What you waiting for, Slayer?” he called back over his shoulder. He didn’t have to tell me twice. I followed him, told him to get in the bed and hurried to the bathroom for warm water, washcloths, and towels.

I kicked the door to the bedroom closed behind me. He was sitting against the headboard, shirt off. “Lay down,” I told him. He did so while I deposited my supplies and grabbed one of Dru’s black silk stockings out of her drawer. I sat next to him, grabbing his wrists and planting his hands on the pillow next to his ears. The silk went around his eyes.

“What’s this for?” he asked.

“I want you to imagine it’s me-me doing this. And no moving those hands or I’ll tie them down.” He instantly reached for me. I giggled and caught his wrists again. “Behave!”

“But I’m not good at that,” he pouted.

“I know, but make an effort.”  With hesitant fingers, I undid his fly and pulled off his jeans. I nearly forgot what I was doing.  He really was too good looking to be anything other than evil.

“Enjoying the view?” he asked, a note of something besides his usual cocky confidence was in his voice.

“Yeah,” I breathed. “I’m trying to decide where to start.”

I grabbed a cloth heavy with warm water and knelt next to his head, running it slowly over his shoulder and neck. I was mesmerized by the sheen of the water on his pale skin, the way the drops beaded and ran.

He tilted his head towards me. “You’ve got the wicked vampire all helpless and at your mercy, Slayer, is that what you wanted? Have you been imaging me all trussed up when your fingers go wondering south at night?”

“Hmmmm.” I rubbed the rag up his arm and picked up his hand to clean the fingers that he knew how to use so well for both pain and pleasure. “Well…actually…” The tip of his tongue darted across his lower lip. “Actually I tend to imagine it the other way around.”

I’d surprised him. “Really?” He sounded downright gleeful.

I got a clean rag and worked it across the planes of his chest. “Yes, really.”

“Would you let me?” There was a hint of shyness in his voice, like he couldn’t actually believe he was asking the Slayer if he could tie her up for any reason that wasn’t a prelude to a quick death.

“Probably,” I hedged.  I stroked my way up his other arm and planted a kiss on his palm before wiping it down.

“Maybe in that frilly little bed of yours, and with scarves or something so you could just get out easy if you wanted to…”

“Spike!” I admonished. “Quit putting the cart before the pig.”

“What? Oh, horse. It’s the cart before the horse, pet.”

“Ugh, whatever. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah.” He got really silent, though the very nice muscles of his abdomen jumped under my hand as I swept a rag over them.

The silence stretched on. “What’re you thinking about?” I finally asked as I wrung out a new cloth.

“I…I want to make things good for you, special, that first time but I’m a selfish git and I’m worried I’m going to screw it all up. I’m trying to think of ways not to do that.”

I bit my lip. “Spike, as long as it’s you that’s all I want.” Leaning forward, I ran my tongue up from right above his hip to his navel, dipping the tip in and swirling it around as he hissed.

“That’s just mean,” he sniffed.

“What? I can’t torture my evil arch-nemesis?”

“You’re a cruel, cruel woman Miss Summers.”

“That I am. I’m going to wash legs and other parts now, so you might not be able to tell what I’m doing.”

I got a new rag and sat next to his hip. It was weird to be touching him _there_ in a non-sexual way. Trying to be clinical about it, I cleaned him. Okay, so maybe it was a little bit more thorough than he really needed. It was such a trusting thing for him to allow me to do. He looked so vulnerable in my hands.

That crazy mind-reading thing he could do kicked in. “I hope you’re being careful; you’ve got my life in your hands.”

“How do you know what I’m doing?”

“You’re doing this adorable stutter-stop thing with your breath, I’m guessing that’s not because you’re wiping down my knees.”

I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see. I grabbed another cloth and swiped down his thigh a little harder than I meant to.

“Hey! Do that again!” I did and a smile blossomed on his face. “I could feel that! Left thigh! It wasn’t normal but I know you’re pushing on that leg.” He tore off the blindfold and pushed himself up so he was sitting. “One more time.” I did and he laughed. I got another rag and repeated the action on the other leg. “That one too!”

His smile was infectious. A little bit of experimentation and we figured out he could feel pressure from hip to mid-calf on both sides. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. I mentally promised myself to figure out how to get Slayer blood to him sooner than soon.

The last part of him I washed was his feet. They were very nice feet, especially for a guy. I had the niggling feeling I was probably somewhat biased. Spike was watching me, head tilted slightly to the side, so I couldn’t resist being a little bit bad. Keeping my eyes on his face I traced my tongue up his instep and sucked his big toe into my mouth.

“You really are a tease,” he said sweetly. I batted my eyelashes at him.

Humming with satisfaction I stood up. It was only a little awkward to help him shimmy into a pair of black sweatpants and a clean shirt. I tidied up and handed him the TV remote before crawling into bed to sit next to him. “Feel any better?”

“I certainly feel cleaner, but now I need to figure out how to get you to do that when I’m all restored.”

“Can I wear a sexy nurse’s outfit?”

His eyes slid over to me. “Are you looking for an argument?”

“Are you going to give me one?” I sighed and leaned against him.

He kissed my forehead and intertwined my fingers with his. “I’m not that stupid.”


	21. Happy Birthday, Buffy

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

               -Goo Goo Dolls, “Iris”

****

_Friday, January 16, 1998_

I was starting to think Giles knew that something was up. Why else would he have handed me a book having to do primarily with the nesting habits of vampires? Of course, about three pages in I was ready to throw the stupid thing against the wall because the author was completely full of crap. I’d be surprised if the idiot had ever seen a single vampire, let alone a whole nest of them. I wondered what– I flipped the book over to look at the spine– Mr. Huber, would think of our new TV and steadily growing library?

When I got to him describing vampires shredding newspaper to make beds I gave up and snapped the book closed. Yes, sometimes the minions just didn’t care and sort of slept where they fell, but most of them had some version of a bed and none of those involved paper of any kind. Mr. Huber had been watching too much X-Files.

Giles scowled at me but I was spared a lecture by the phone in his office ringing. He got up to answer it, but poked his head out the door a few seconds later wearing a puzzled look. “Willow, it’s the school secretary, there’s a call for you.” Willow frowned and went to take the phone from Giles. She pulled the door partially closed behind her and I was stuck with my Watcher and his disapproving glower again.

He selected another book and handed it to me. “Chapter three deals with the actions of The Scourge of Europe in 1889 in what is now southern Poland.” I took the volume but didn’t open it. I doubted it was anything but another list of atrocities. Giles noticed my reluctance. “Is something wrong?”

I sighed. Maybe I could hedge the truth a little. “Giles, I know these guys were bad news, but Darla’s dust, Angel has his soul, and Drusilla and Spike haven’t had any deaths attributed to them in months. I’m just sort of tired of endlessly reading about them and it’s giving me nightmares.” Not so much nightmares as my…I mean Dru’s, demon sorting through my brain and feeding me fun live-action pictures. Death, murder, blood and mayhem, only it was all filtered by the demon so the accompanying emotions of exhilaration and enjoyment tended to overwhelm my own feelings of disgust. Add that to the lack of soul in Dru’s body and I would find myself getting a little lost in the images, especially when they veered away from the records and became a lot more with the steamy, blood-drenched sex.

It was all incredibly confusing and I didn’t need any more fuel for the fire.

Giles was just looking at me over his glasses. It seemed ‘bad dreams’ when you’re the Slayer was not a valid excuse. With a sigh I opened the book, but to the first chapter which was about the socio-economic background of the region at the turn of the century. It was sort of nightmare-worthy in its own right.

The clock ticked, and ticked, and ticked, and…Who the heck was Willow talking to? She’d been in there for nearly thirty minutes. I tapped my nails on the table for a good couple of seconds before Giles looked like he wanted to murder me. Giving up, I shrugged at him and got up to check on my friend.

I edged around the partially open door. Willow was sitting on Giles’ desk, her feet in his chair. Her face was lit up and she was giggling.

“She totally does that. I don’t know how they stay in her eye sockets, and…” Willow looked up and saw me standing there. “Eep! And here she is. It was nice talking to you. Bye!” She hopped down and held the phone out to me. “He needs to talk to you, too!” With a sheepish smile she beat a hasty retreat into the main part of the Library.

Cautiously, I held the receiver up to my ear. “Hello?”

“Buffy?”

I sat down hard on the chair. “Dalton?” I hissed.

“Yes, mistress. One of the boys got a cell phone off some idiot that wondered into this part of town last night. Spike saw him with it this morning and now I’m calling you.”

“Uh, okay. Why?” I felt pretty queasy. A dead man’s cell phone. He probably had it so when he worked late he could call his family and tell them he was okay. And here was my friend acting like it was no big deal. Not that I’d feel any differently if I was in Dru’s body, I reminded myself. If he’d explained how he’d gotten it once I was at the factory tonight I wouldn’t have even batted an eyelash. However, in my soul having Slayer body, sitting in my Watcher’s office, I couldn’t ignore how wrong it was that someone’s murder had led to this conversation.

Ugh.

“Well, I had a question for Willow, from Spike.” Because that made any of this less confusing.

“What?”

There was a pause. “I can’t say.”

“You might want to rethink that.” The no-nonsense Slayer part of me came out in my voice.

Dalton gulped. “Um…there’s a thing, in a couple of days, and the Master wanted to know what you might like.”

Thing? In a couple of days? What thi…oh, wow, my birthday! I grinned idiotically.

“Oh, that’s cool,” I said, trying to sound bored and like the idea of Spike trying to get me a present I liked wasn’t the most awesome thing ever.

“And, er, there was something else.” His voice had dropped to a conspiratorial whisper and I pushed the receiver hard against my ear so I could hear him better.

“Me and Dru have a way to get the minions well away from the main part of the factory. Just a little trickery, a little thrall, and a little promise to do the guard dog routine myself. We’ve actually got everything ready to go for Monday. Do you think that’ll work for you?”

It’d be my birthday, I’d miss school, and I’d get to go see Spike? Bonus! It totally worked.

“That sounds amazing! We can finalize everything tonight. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay Buffy, good-bye.”

“Bye!” I chirped and hung up the phone. I was super exited, enough that I didn’t see Giles standing in the doorway to his office until I ran into him.

“We need to talk for a minute.”

I nodded and backed up a few paces. Giles pulled the door partly closed behind him. He sighed heavily. “Buffy I’m not having you read the accounts of the Scourge of Europe for no reason. I believe you need to be well informed about the kinds of things your boyfriend is capable of.”

My stomach plummeted. He knew. Somehow he knew. Oh god. “I, um…well…”

“He might have a pretty face, but he’s not really someone you should be seeing. He’s not a good person.”

My mind blanked. I loved Spike. I couldn’t just give him up because my Watcher didn’t approve. “He can be nice,” I whispered. He was trying to be a better man, for me. Surely Giles would be able to see that. Once everything was straightened out and me and Dru were no longer switching and Spike was healed, he’d be able to help me out on patrol. He’d make this whole sacred calling thing a lot less lonely.

“Just because he sweet talks you and has a soul doesn’t automatically make him someone you should be romantically involved with.” Giles crossed his arms. It looked like he was getting ready for a fight.

Soul…wait, Giles had said soul. I nearly collapsed in relief. My Watcher meant Angel. Not that Giles would breakout the pom-poms for Spike or anything, but to me the fact that my vampire had chosen to change things about himself was way more impressive than Angel having to because of the soul. I had firsthand knowledge of how hard you had to think about things when you didn’t have a conscience that instinctively knew right from wrong. You also had to tell the demon to take a hike, which wasn’t always a simple thing.

My Watcher was waiting for an answer. “I don’t know what to say. Me and Angel are kind of complicated. I don’t think it’d be the truth if I said I’d stay away from him, or would stop seeing him. Do you want me to lie to you?”

Giles got a funny look on his face. He reached out tentatively and put a hand on my shoulder. “No, Buffy, I don’t want you to lie. Just…be careful. I’m afraid you’re going to get your heart broken, or worse.”

“I’ll try.” I covered his hand with mine, my head bowed. Sometimes I wondered what was going to happen, when me and Dru stopped switching, when I was just teenaged me all the time. Would Spike get bored of me? Would he want the Slayer that had to patrol nearly every night? Deep inside I was waiting for the heartache that would come when I wasn’t wanted anymore.

I was just hoping it wasn’t going to be for a long, long time. I smiled at Giles, my Watcher who was so much more.

“Go help Willow,” he said, and I nodded, ducking around him and heading to where Willow was sitting. I perched on the table next to her and fiddled with the strap to her bag.

After a minute she handed me a book and asked me to look for a reference to a demon that apparently no man-made weapon could kill. That sounded freaky. I flipped through the book, not really seeing the pages.

“Hey, Willow,” I finally worked up enough courage to ask.

“Uh.” She was busy translating something that was probably Latin. I poked her shoulder. “Hey, yes, what?”

“On my birthday, can you cover for me if I’m not a school?”

“Where are you going to be?”

I rolled my eyes, which made Willow snicker for some reason. “Where do you think?”

“If I’m going out on a limb for you I totally want details. Yummy, juicy, totally detailed details.”

“You got it.”

I grinned. My birthday was looking better and better.

_****_

_Monday, January 19, 1998_

_Dear Buffy!_

_Happy birthday! I’m sorry that I’m the one your not very sneaky friends are going to be throwing a party for tonight. Is it okay of I think of whatever gift Angel gives you as ‘mine’? Spike has something nice for you, but he won’t let me see it in case I ruin the surprise._

_I can’t wait to see you today. This is going to be so much fun. Spike has no clue. I did your hair and makeup but left the outfit part up to you. The minions will be out for most of the day with the drugged blood and me and Dalton will keep watch, so you can call on us any time you like._

_I’ll see you soon!_

_Love,_

_Dru_

****

I felt odd. The familiar bulk of the factory looked the same as always, but I was way different than normal. My heartbeat was thundering in my ears. Surely it’d wake every minion in the place like a chiming dinner bell. I hurried towards the door, pausing to swallow hard before reaching out to grasp the handle. The door flew open just before I wrapped my hand around the knob. Drusilla was standing on the other side, in the shadows, a wide smile on her lips.

“Hello, Buffy,” she said in a very familiar voice. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her. Dru was gorgeous. She was all willowy and graceful, with intense dark eyes and silky hair. I swallowed hard. She was Audrey Hepburn or Jackie O. And me? I was no Marilyn Monroe. I felt short, frumpy, and far from feminine. I knew how to hit things, pull them apart, rip them to shreds. No one was going to hold me up as example of womanhood.

“Um, no. Oh Dru, I shouldn’t have come.”

“What? Why?” Her brows drew together in concern.

“I’ve been kidding myself. You’re so beautiful and elegant. I’m just a kid that’s been pretending I’m ready to sit at the big table with the grown-ups.” I took a step back. “I should go now.”

Dru’s hand snaked out and caught my arm. “Stop it. Stop it right now.  You’re gorgeous, Buffy. So full of life, so strong. I love being in your body, and you’re the same person when you’re in it as you are when you’re in me.” She leaned closer to me. “And you know he loves you. So go on.” Her eyes lost their focus and were staring at a point over my shoulder. I took one of her long fingered hands and tugged her along behind me.

Dalton was waiting by the stairs. I couldn’t help grinning at him.

“Mistress!” he gasped. I let go of Dru’s hand and wrapped him in a hug. He patted my back awkwardly.  “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Me either. Thanks for getting the minions sorted and for-“ I looked around for Dru. She’d wandered off a few paces and was slowly spinning in circles, her head thrown back and her eyes closed.

“Don’t worry, I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping her safe and in check.”

“Thank you. Hey.” I slipped my backpack and coat from my shoulders, revealing my black skirt and red halter top. “Do I look okay?”

He smiled and winked. “Good enough to eat.”

“Vampires!” I threw up my hands in defeat. Giving him my backpack to keep track of, I turned and walked down the stairs. The hallway seemed a lot longer than normal. One more door. I twisted the handle with trembling fingers. Spike was asleep, one arm hanging off the side of the mattress and the other flung out towards my side of the bed. I took slow steps towards him. I let my coat drop to the floor from my now numb fingers.

There wasn’t enough room for me to sit next to him like I’d planned. If I walked all the way around to the other side of the bed, I’d lose my nerve. I toed off my shoes and put one knee on the bed, swinging my other leg over him so that I was straddling his stomach. I leaned forward until my hair was tickling his face. “Spike?”

His nose wrinkled and he blew at the strands on his lips. He took a deep breath through his nose but didn’t open his eyes. “Buffy?” My name sounded like a prayer on his tongue. His hands skimmed over my hips, up my back, stopping on either side of my face. Gently his thumbs outlined my cheeks, nose, mouth, and ghosted over my eyes. “Is it really you? Am I dreaming?”

“Open your eyes.”

“What if you disappear?”

I leaned down closer, so my lips hovered over his. He smiled slowly, waiting. My hands were braced on his t-shirt covered chest. I shifted the fingers of one hand slightly so they were over his nipple, caught my tongue between my teeth, and quickly sat bolt upright while twisting hard with my fingers.

“Slayer!” he roared, vamping out as he sat up, one hand going behind him to brace himself. Yellow eyes glared at me while he rubbed his nipple.

 I had both hands over my mouth, giggling like crazy. “Still think you’re dreaming?”

“No, you crazy chit.” He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against him. He shook off the demon and his blue eyes shone brightly. “Kiss me?”

His lips were soft against mine. I nibbled on the full lower one until his mouth opened and our tongues tangled around each other. I felt Spike’s stomach muscles tense against me and he took his hand off the bed and pulled his shirt over his head. Oh yeah. That was more like it. He had both arms around me now and I was running my hands over the broad expanse of his back. His mouth barely left mine when I needed to gasp for air.

My insides were ten kinds of molten. One cool finger ran up the inside of my thigh, making me shiver. He rubbed right where I wanted him to…

Wait a minute. I pushed myself away and gazed down at his handsome face. With his lust darkened eyes, hooded gaze, and kiss swollen lips he looked like my own personal brand of kryptonite. I almost gave in as the hand on my spine tried to push me back against him.

“No, stop! I know what you’re doing!” I cried.

“Trying to bloody well make-out with my girlfriend,” he purred, his lower lip sticking out in the tiniest of pouts. I closed my eyes.

“Look, I’m really not complaining or anything, but that’s not all. You, mister, are trying to distract me.”

“Balls.” Spike collapsed back down on the bed.

I carefully stretched myself out next to him, snuggling my head into the crook of his shoulder. “Care to explain?”

“I’ve been thinking about it, uh, a lot, actually.” His fingers were combing through my hair, occasionally getting the tangled ends. I waited. Finally, he sighed. “I just can’t do it Buffy, I can’t drink from you.”

It took me about three milliseconds to go from feeling desired and cherished to being the weird girl no one liked again.  “Oh.” He didn’t want me. I’d been taking more vitamins than I could name and dealing with a full bladder for weeks for no good reason. I wasn’t…bitable. I was good enough for other stuff, but not that? I didn’t know whether to be sad or angry. I rolled away from him, curling up into a ball. It looked like sadness was going to win and I didn’t want him to know how easy it was for him to make me cry.

Behind me the sheets rustled as he shifted. “Buffy?” His hand touched my back and I scooted further towards my side of the bed.  “Christ, Buffy, what the hell is wrong?”

He sounded confused. My hands tightened into fists. “You just said you don’t want me and now you’re asking me what’s wrong?”

There was a pause. “I said I didn’t want you?”

“You don’t want to bite me!”

Spike gave a bark of laughter. “That’s it! I give up! I think I must have tripped over a tree root and dusted myself because there’s no reality where I’m lying in bed with the Slayer and she’s pitching a fit because I won’t bite her.”

I sat up. “I am not pitching a fit!”

“You kind of are.”

“Are not!”

“Are too, and just listen to me for a moment.”

I glared at him.

“I never said I didn’t want to bite you, luv, I said I can’t drink from you.” His face was serious, the humor from a moment ago having fled.

“Why not?” I rolled the edge of the quilt between my fingers, the lace rough against my skin.

“Because what if I hurt you? What if I can’t stop?” He reached out towards me again and I scooted closer so I could take his hand in mine. “I love you more than anything, Buffy. How can I possibly risk being the cause of your death?”

I got all warm and fuzzy, but boy was he being pig headed. I leveled a glare at him. “And how can I sit by when I have the means of ending your pain flowing through me? Also-“ I squeezed his hand. “Do you really think I couldn’t stop you if I wanted to? Like, hello, Slayer. I think you’ve forgotten how this game is played.”

Abruptly, I let go of his hand and grabbed his arm, rolling quickly so I could pin it under one knee. I aimed a jab for his face but he blocked it. I was astride him again, but now I was using my full strength to pin his arms and shoulders. He vamped out and pushed back, but with my legs under me I was too strong for him. My coat was on the floor next to the bed and I calculated the best way to reach it.

Spike managed to wrestle one arm free and threw a punch towards my stomach. I deflected it before bringing my legs out from under me. I pinned his wrist with one foot and brought my other leg up to push into his throat and shoulder. I bent backwards off the bed with my arms outstretched and nabbed the stake from the inside pocket of my jacket. I straightened up and brought my knees under me just in time to counter another punch. The wood in my hand hovered over his heart.

I hadn’t even broken a sweat.

He shook his head and the demon receded. His face looked a little dazed. “Well, that was fancy.”

I smiled and pushed the tip of the stake against him. “I’m not exactly a defenseless maiden here.”

His eyes were once more dark and his hands came up to rest on my hips. “No, you’re bloody magnificent, Slayer.”

“I won, so I get my way.”

He chuckled and leaned forward again, pushing my hand with the stake out to the side and kissing me deeply. “You always get your way,” he grumbled against my lips. “So how we going to do this?”

I let the stake clatter back to the floor, pushed him flat, and climbed off him in order to lie down alongside him again.  I hooked a leg across his hips and an arm around his shoulders and rolled him onto his side so that we were face to face. I kept my leg around him but stretched my arms up. I tapped right above the side of one elbow with the other hand. “Sorry to disappoint, but right here’s going to have to do, my neck would be too obvious.” He nodded and I wiggled in close to him, positioning my arm near his mouth.

He stroked his fingers lightly up and down my arm. “Are you sure about this?”

“Good freaking God, I’m sorry I didn’t have an embossed invitation made.”

“Right,” he drawled. His demon emerged again. It seemed a lifetime ago that I’d ever thought of the change as ‘ugly’. I guess it was different when you knew how it felt from the inside. Spike’s tongue flicked roughly over the sensitive skin of my inner arm and I shivered in anticipation. My breathing was loud in my own ears and it hitched as my vampire’s eyes slid shut and his lips caressed me.

I whimpered as his fangs sank sharply into my skin. It hurt for a second and it took all my willpower not to jerk away. As he took the first small pull of my blood the pain fled. He sucked gently again and his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.

Oh god.

Spike moaned, the vibrations echoing from my arm out to my entire body. Every millimeter of my skin became hypersensitive. Air flowed across my bare arms and legs, the satin sheets on the bed were as cool as water. The fabric of my halter top felt scratchy against my nipples, even the cotton that made up the sweatpants Spike was wearing felt like sandpaper against the inside of my thigh. The brush of his tongue over the bite on my arm made my cry out. Between my legs there was an empty ache that throbbed harder each time Spike sucked at my arm. I could feel the blood in my arteries as it rushed along, pulsating in time with my heartbeat. I wanted to give it all to him, everything he needed.

The sight of his throat moving as he drank me down was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen. His eyes were closed in bliss. I loved him so much. My hips were moving of their own accord, I needed contact. I was sighing and gasping nonsensical noises. Gradually, I became aware that I wasn’t the only one whose hips were moving and I definitely had something to rub against.

I gave into the avalanche of sensation. In no time at all I was yowling Spike’s name and there was a whole Fourth of July’s worth of fireworks going off behind my eyelids.  My vampire jackknifed hard against me and growled against the tender flesh of my arm. The second he stilled I found myself tossed unceremoniously on my back.

I was breathing hard, my heart was pounding, and I was freezing now that I wasn’t moving or pressed against another body. I felt so alone.  I started to sit up but my head spun alarmingly and I felt woozy, so I lay back down with a little whimper.

There was grunt from beside me and Spike rolled over, right onto me. I was absurdly grateful for his weight pinning me to the mattress. With a frustrated growl he pushed himself up onto his arms, and then slowly he bent his knee.

“Oh my god,” I whispered.

“My Buffy,” he muttered against my neck. “Open for me, luv.”  I frowned in confusion and Spike reached down with one hand to push against my knee.

Oh. I blushed, but did as he asked, bringing first one leg and then the other to wrap around his hips as he carefully maneuvered himself between them.  “Um, do you want to…”

“Not now. Told you I’d make that special. I just… I… I need.”

I understood. I needed too.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he gasped as he started rocking against me.

“I’m A-okay.”

“Good.”

His movements got surer by the minute. Unashamedly, I pushed back against him, moving as I needed to until I saw fireworks again.  Spike murmured endearments in my ear and cried out my name before collapsing on top of me.

Both of us drifted in and out of sleep for a while. At last, Spike made a face and rolled off me onto his back.

I sat up, a lot less dizzy than before. “Everything okay?”

“Just need to get cleaned up.” I giggled and he shot me a look. “It’s your fault, you know,” he grumbled.  I couldn’t help but look smug as I stood up and straightened my clothes. I helped him sit up on the side of the bed.

“How do you feel?”

“Like a bloody pipe organ fell on me and then I got snogged by the most beautiful girl in the world.” I handed him a wet washcloth from the basin in our room and headed to the closet to grab him some clean clothes.

“And do I know this beautiful girl?” I teased.

“You see her every time you look in a mirror.”

I melted. He always seemed to know just what I needed to hear.

With a little work and only a tiny amount of complaining on his part we managed to get him dressed, including boots, and standing next to the bed. I was flying inside. I had done this. My blood. My love that’d spurred me out to the factory and into his arms. “How’s the air up there?”

“Wonderful!” He took a deep breath and smirked at me.

“What?”

“I think I could walk.”

I backed up until I was leaning against the wall. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I beckoned at him with a finger and what I hoped was a ‘come hither’ look.

It was slow, and painful looking, but he did it one dragging step at a time. When he reached me he put his palms on the wall on either side of my head and bent down to kiss me. I lost myself in his soft, hungry lips.

Both of us jumped when there was a knock at the door.

“It’s time for birthday tea and cakes!” Dru called. “Don’t make me get the hose!” She giggled.

Spike sighed and rested his forehead against mine. “Tell me again?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now I better take my wheels out there. I’m doing better but I’m not sure I’m quite ready to go ten rounds with Ali or the bloody stairs.” I ducked out from under his arm and got his chair. “And my coat, can you help me with my coat?”

That duster was such a part of him I was surprised he hadn’t been sleeping in the stupid thing. I was very nearly jealous of it. I helped him get it on and he was able to maneuver into the chair himself. I knew better than to ask if he wanted help, I just opened the door for him.

In a million years I would have never guessed the surprise that was waiting for me on the table: a birthday cake with pink icing and ‘Happy Birthday Buffy’ spelled out on top.

“I did that part.” Dru said, pointing at the writing.

“Oh, wow, thank you guys!” There were even forks and plates, and to the side there were two presents.

I turned to look at Spike. “Did you know about this?”

“Well, thought it’d be after you got here tonight, but yeah, I knew.”

“Thank you.”

Drusilla was beaming. I sat down and Dru played hostess. The slices of chocolate cake were a little uneven, but it tasted wonderful. There was even a bottle of water stashed in the fridge for me.

The presents were even better than the cake. Dalton had gotten me a day planner. A plain, grown-up looking affair with a burgundy cover. He’d already filled out quite a bit of the information on the inside in his prim handwriting. Even the dates of my tests and when I needed to turn in major assignments. He must have culled that from my backpack while I’d been…busy, with Spike. Drusilla’s present was an odd assortment of feathers, bits of brightly colored wood, and a bell. I held it up, but couldn’t figure out what the heck it was supposed to be.

Dru reached over and made the bell chime. “It’s a toy, for Lorenzo.”

Of course it was. I help it up, admiring it now that I knew what I was looking at.

“My turn.” Spike stood up on shaky legs, taking a few steps until he was right in front of me. Using the edge of the table for support he sank down onto both knees in front of me. From his duster pocket he drew out a little square box with a bow on top and handed it to me with a shy smile.

Inside was a gold bracelet. I lifted it out. The links looked pretty sturdy and a little gold disk hung from one of the loops. On one side two intertwined hearts were engraved, and on the other the initials E+W.

Elizabeth and William.

The woman and the man, not the Slayer and Vampire.

Gently, Spike took the bracelet from my fingers and clasped it around my wrist. “Just tell people it’s your favorite cousin’s initials or something,” he said gruffly.

I cupped his face in my hands. “Thank you.”

His lips on mine were sweet.

****

The rest of the day passed quickly. As sunset approached I walked with Dru towards the door of the factory. Willow was coming with Oz in his van to pick her up just down the street a ways and take her to the planned party. I’d put the gifts from Dalton and Dru in my bag, and was wearing my coat. I was going to wear the bracelet right up until we changed, then put it in the bag before Dru left. I think we both felt a little bit weird about it being around my wrist while she was spending time with Angel.

At the doorway I hugged her. “Thank you for the great birthday.”

The vertigo was mild and we pulled apart with a giggle. She held out her wrist and I undid the clasp and carefully put the precious object into an inner pocket of my backpack. “Keep it safe.” She nodded and was gone.

We spent the first part of the night working on getting Spike moving around much as possible. He was in the best spirits I’d seen him in for a long time. Dalton and I managed to goad him into doing quite a lot. At last he got tired and hungry and sat back in his chair, asking for a cup of otter.

I obligingly warmed it up for him and curled up onto his lap while he drank. I was just starting to nod off, my head on Spike’s shoulder as him and Dalton discussed something about the serialization of Dickens’ _Bleak House_ , when there was a muffled scream behind us.

Dalton stood and Spike spun his chair around just in time for one of the minions to land at our feet and burst into dust.

“Angel?” I asked in confusion, watching as the vampire strode towards us. The fear rolling off Dalton was palpable. I glanced over Spike’s shoulder at him. ‘Go’ I mouthed at him and he was gone in a flash.

Spike nuzzled my ear. “Play Dru until we know more,” he said in a very low voice.

“Well isn’t this cozy,” Angel drawled.

I giggled and cooed, letting my shoulders and head sway. “We’ve just been having a party with pretty streamers.”

“Well, that’s a fun coincidence. I started out my night with a party too.”

“Do you want tea?” I asked. “We’ve got all kinds.”

“He doesn’t want tea, sweets.” Spike said in an indulgent tone of voice. I giggled again.

“What you want, Angel? Did the Slayer not like your present so you’re going to bring her our ashes to make up for it?”

Angel chuckled. “She liked the first present I gave her well enough. The second, well that turned out to be more for me.”

“Do tell.” Spike sounded seriously annoyed. “The suspense is killing me.”

Two and two were not making four in this situation. My mind was racing. Was Angel some kind of distraction so that the whole factory could be taken down? But why tonight? Had the party just been a cover? Was Dru going to kill me so she could be in my body forever? But she’d been so nice earlier. Spike rubbed the back of my neck with one hand and I tried to relax.

“I gave her this Claddagh ring and a fancy story about loving her. I meant it at the time.” At the time? Angel was pacing. “You got a smoke, Willy?” Huffing a sigh, Spike pulled out his cigarettes and lit one, passing it to his Grandsire before lighting a second for himself.

“Anyway, we go back to my place and it gets all hot and heavy. Then, get this, we’re both practically naked and she suddenly says she doesn’t want to. I told the bitch she couldn’t leave me like that and that she had to do something. Gave her a line about loving me. So she asks what I want and I told her to lay back and let me make her feel good. Hell if I know whether or not she enjoyed it, but I must have because that pesky soul just went up in smoke.” He took a deep drag on his cigarette and blew grey smoke towards the ceiling for emphasis.

Spike had gone very still, his fingertips digging painfully into me. I was stunned. It was my body. It was my body Angel was talking about. Dru had lost my virginity to the thing that was standing there, preening, in front of us. I wanted to kill him. Spike’s arms tightened around me.

“So Angelus is back!” Spike laughed. “It’s good to see you mate! That soul’s had you buggered up for far too long.”

“It was like being in a cage at the zoo,” Angel growled. “But I’m free now and back where I belong. I’ve got a little world ending present as well.”

With all my strength I managed to smile and clap in glee. “A present, Daddy, for me?”

“Yes, for you Dru.” Angelus’ gaze softened as he looked at me. I tried to appear pleased. “I think you’ll like it. The Watcher’s been researching The Judge, but it’s me that’s figured out where all the pieces are.  I’m going to be putting him back together and ending the Slayer’s little run of good luck in this town.”

Spike grinned. “Sounds like a hell of a plan. How ‘bout I go get Dru to bed, she’s tired, and then you can tell me this grand scheme of yours.”

“I was hoping Dru might be up for giving me a warm welcome home.” Angelus’ leer let me know exactly what he was thinking.

No, a whole world of no. I faked a yawn and made my eyes drift halfway closed.

“The girl’s knackered and she’s still not at full strength yet. I’ll just go get her tucked into her beddy-bye.”

Angel waved a hand. “I’m going to get some rest too, we’ll start figuring out logistics tomorrow night.” Spike nodded and I waved at Angelus as he went to find an empty room.

Jaw set, Spike wheeled us back to our room. Once the door was closed, he struggled to stand up, nearly dumping me on my ass in the process. I scrambled to the bed, lying face down before the sobbing started.

The bed dipped as Spike sat next to me. “I’m going to kill the git,” he said, almost conversationally.

“Get in line,” I growled. My demon was pacing like a caged lion. I understood Angelus’ zoo animal comment better than I would have liked to.

“Neither of us are strong enough to take him. Not right now. We’re going to have to play his game until we can come up with a plan.” He patted my back.

“I’m sorry, Spike, I’m sorry.” I rolled so my body was curled around him as he sat.

“Shhh, not your fault. Doesn’t even sound like it was particularly Dru’s fault. He made her everything that she is.” His voice was bitter. “She’s not really able to say no to him.”

“Not just about that.” I ran a finger up and down the side seam of his jeans.

“Talk to me.”

“I promised you…and he…she…I’m not a virgin anymore.” It felt like my heart was breaking.

“Yes, you are.” Spike said firmly. He pulled me upright. “It wasn’t you. The flesh doesn’t matter.”

“It should have been my gift to give.”

Spike wrapped his arms around me. “Yes,” he said softly. His hand caught my chin and he dragged my face up so our gazes met. “It doesn’t matter to me.” He said firmly. “I’ll not have you beating yourself up over Dru and Angelus’ actions because of how you think I’m going to feel about it. I can’t tell you not to be upset, because it’s something horrible that’s happened to you.” He hesitated. “Christ, I just want to kill him and go rampaging through the streets because you’ve been hurt.”

“Me too.” I laughed very faintly. “The demon’s pretty upset.”

“Yeah.”

Spike actually shook himself, a bit like a dog. “Not the best course of action right now. In fact, I’m going to let Peaches think I’m stuck in that chair. He doesn’t know any better, and ignorance is bliss.” I nodded. “And you, tomorrow you’re going to talk to your little friends and make sure they know Angelus is not a white hat anymore. And maybe you should go talk to one of those…people that know about stuff like…what happened. It might help.”

“I’ll think about it tomorrow.”

“Okay, Miss Scarlett.” He poked my nose.

“Who? Like in Clue? Miss Scarlett in the living room with the fire poker?”

“Not quite. Want a distraction?”

“Uh, sure.”

Still moving slowly, he got up and rummaged through the ever growing stack of movies next to the VCR. Finally finding the right one he started the show and climbed back into the bed. We cuddled up together and leaned against the headboard.

The music swelled. _Gone with the Wind_.

Oh, that Scarlett. I’d never watched the whole thing, though, and allowed myself to get swept away. Spike fell asleep before the end, his head cradled on my shoulder. He was wrong, I was no Scarlett. I vowed, not to never be hungry again, but to never drive the man sleeping next to me to the point of not giving a damn.

****

_Tuesday, January 20, 1998_

I blinked and was sitting, fully clothed, in the bottom of the tub in my bathroom with the water pelting me. It was at least sort of warm. My eyes felt like I’d been weeping for a while.

Oh, Dru.

I was sore in a way I never had been before. I’d been preparing for something when I switched back, but I hadn’t really known what. It hurt. I sat still for a moment, wanting to cry, but I seemed to have no tears left. I turned off the water and climbed out of the tub. I stripped out of my wet clothes. There was blood on my underwear. I should be furious at Dru for doing this to me, but I had the feeling she was already angry enough at herself. I was just sad. I wished I could talk to her and I hoped that Spike wouldn’t be too harsh with her.

Wrapped in a towel I went back to my room and sat, somewhat uncomfortably, at my vanity.  The bracelet from Spike was lying there. I put it on my wrist before I picked up the notebook. There wasn’t a real note from Dru. Instead, she’d filled three entire pages, back and front, with the same two words over and over:

_I’m sorry._


	22. Changes

So find yourself, we're on our way back home

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Give A Little Bit”

****

_Tuesday, January 20, 1998_

I was numb. Inside and out. I walked to school in a daze, a bagel in my hand that I kept forgetting to eat. Willow was sitting on the steps of the school when I got there. She popped up with an excited grin.

“I want my yummy details! Do we need a new scale?” She bit her lip and tried to look coy. The furry blue sweater she was wearing along with her bright red hair being pulled back into two tight braids sort of ruined the effect.

“Oh, Willow!” I said and promptly broke out into tears, gathering her into a hug.

“Um, was Spike a poop-head?”

“Not Spike,” I choked out around the sobs. People were starting to look at us. Willow took my hand and pulled me over to stand behind a tree trunk. “Spike was sweet, and wonderful. I…it was…not Spike…oh, god.”

Willow enfolded me in another hug.  “Tell me. You can tell me.”

“Angel. He and Dru...” I curled my hands into fists. “I’m not a virgin any more, only I wasn’t there at the time.”

“Eww!” Willow made a face. “That skank. What was she thinking? I’m going to give her a piece of my mind tonight!” My friend’s anger on my behalf made me feel a tiny bit better.

“I’m not sure it was really something she wanted.”

Willow’s face froze with her mouth in a round ‘O’ of shock.

“And that’s not even the worst of it.” I curled my hands up to clutch at the sleeves of my shirt, tugging the cuffs down as if covering more of myself would help.

“It…it gets worse?”

I nodded. “But I’d like to tell everyone at the same time. It’s bad news.”

“Okay. Sure.” She squeezed me one more time and grabbed my wrist, drawing me along behind her as she charged through the hallways. The doors of the Library slammed opened, making Giles and Xander jump. “Sit.” She pointed at a chair and I quickly complied. “Okay, we need to get everyone here. Something’s happened.” Xander immediately jumped up to get Oz and Cordy while Giles snuck into his office to call Ms. Calendar’s classroom.

I was impressed with Willow. When had she developed a backbone? Oz was doing wonders for her.

The bagel was still clutched in my fingers. We’d only had plain cream cheese instead of the strawberry I liked. Making a face at it, I drew my arm back to toss it in the trash.

“Buffy.” Willow’s voice made me pause. “Eat your breakfast.”

I did.

****

They were all looking at me. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. I didn’t know if I could do this. The Band-Aids right above my elbow were starting to pull. Today was supposed to be happy. I’d been looking forward to having a secret. The minor twinges of pain from Spike’s fangs marks as the wounds healed and the slight bruising faded were supposed to make me smile. I’d been imagining the pull of the Band-Aids adhesive on the sensitive skin of my arm as being a reminder of how good he’d made me feel. I had wanted to sit in class with my friends, or roll my eyes behind my Watcher’s back as he lectured me and all the while have my little secret.

I was almost as angry at Angel for taking that simple joy away from me as I was at him having…done what he had to my body.

I looked at the bracelet Spike had given me and focused on that instead of all the eyes. I took a deep breath. “Last night after the party, which, by the way, thank you guys.”

There were a few muttered replies, but the atmosphere had grown too tense and my stalling just had people shifting uneasily in their seats. I didn’t want to tell them. Right now they all just knew I had something to say. I was still just Buffy. After I said it they’d all see me as that girl. That girl that should have known better. That girl that was a slut. That girl that put us all in danger. That girl we can’t trust anymore.

Giles put his hand on my shoulder. “Buffy, whatever you need to tell us, it’s okay. We’re here for you.” He patted my shoulder and the fabric of my shirt sleeve caught the edge of one of the Band-Aids and pulled uncomfortably. I pushed up the sleeve and ran my fingers over the spot to fix it.

“It’s not okay,” I mumbled. I sighed. It was best to just get it over with. I eyed the Hello Kitty Band-Aids on my arm. It was like ripping one of them off. Do it quick so the pain isn’t drawn out. “Remember Angel wanted to walk me home?” Everyone nodded. “We went back to his place instead, and I don’t really remember exactly what happened. I know I told him I didn’t want to anymore, and he sort of insisted. But we, y’know, did it, and then he lost his soul.”

There was silence. The clock ticked loudly.

“So, um.” I bit my lip. “He’s Angelus now. If you see him, don’t trust him and run away.”

“Good Lord,” Giles breathed. One of the Band-Aids on my arm was starting to come loose and I tried to press it back into place. It’d survived a lot and I didn’t know why it had to let go now.

Xander’s chair scraped loudly across the floor as he stood up. He walked around the table and stood next to me. Gently, his warm hand slipped around my forearm. With a tiny squeeze and tug he pulled me to standing and into a bear hug. I couldn’t even hug him back. My arms flopped loosely as I melted against him and started crying. I was so sick of crying. Xander didn’t say anything, just held me while I sobbed into his shoulder.

There was whispered conversation from everyone else, but I kept my eyes closed and pressed my face into my friend’s shoulder.

“Buffy?” Giles’ confused voice was right next to us. He grabbed my arm and I gasped as he pulled first the loose Band-Aid and then the other off my arm. Frowning down at the fang marks, he pulled me out of Xander’s embrace. “Did you let Angel bite you?”  

Irrational anger seared through my chest. Part of my brain was desperately trying to remind me that Giles had no idea what he was saying, that he could have no knowledge of the fundamental nature of bites and bighting when it came to vampires. That part got drowned out by white hot anger. Angel might have used my body, but it was Spike’s mark that I carried. I bared my teeth at my Watcher. “It’s not from Angel!” I snapped.

Giles backed up a step as his eyebrows drew together. “Buffy, there’s no tearing. You let somebody bite you.” He sounded lost.

“Not Angel,” I thundered, taking another menacing step towards him. He backed away again.

“It’s really not that important,” Willow spoke up hesitantly from the other side of the table. “Buffy can choose to let whoever she wants bite her, but I think right now we should focus on the fact that we have a really scary vampire on the loose.”

Giles’ face hardened. “You permitted a vampire bite you. You could have died, or been turned.” He took a deep breath. “What is going on?”

I yanked my arm out of his grip and put some space between us. He pulled his glasses off his face and took a handkerchief from his pocket, but just stood there looking down at them as if he didn’t remember what to do with them. 

“I’m not sorry. Not about this.” I covered the bite mark with my other hand. “And Angel? That wasn’t really my fault. I wasn’t there.”

I spun on my heel and stormed out of the Library.  My anger lasted about ten feet down the hallway and then I collapsed against the wall, sliding down until I was sitting on the floor.  My hands covered my face, but the tears wouldn’t come.

I didn’t have anywhere to go. I couldn’t just show up back at the factory with Angelus there. It’d be a death sentence for me, Spike, and Drusilla. My mom didn’t know I was the Slayer. Trying to explain that to her plus everything else sounded exhausting. Only…we had a basement. A fairly big basement without a lot in it. More than enough room to house three vampires.

I was nuts. Three soulless vampires in the Slayer’s house? But if Angelus put The Judge together we’d be dust. There was love and humanity in us, the very thing The Judge was meant to destroy. I just wouldn’t give my mom a choice. We’d show up and explain things to her. Drusilla loved my mom as if she was her own and Spike and Dalton wouldn’t hurt her, not now. Last September, sure, both my mom and I would have been lunch, but now, me and Spike? We had shared way too much and no one I cared about was in danger from him. I also thought that if Giles could get over himself for two seconds him and Dalton probably would get along just fine.

The doors to the Library swung open again and Willow rushed out, followed by Oz. She looked so relieved to see me. They walked over and sat on the floor next to me, one on each side.

“Hey,” Oz said with a small smile. “How’s it going out here?”

“Terrible.”

“My little cousin bit me this weekend.” He held out his hand which had a bandage around one finger. “People get hung up on odd things.”

I crinkled my brow. Oz could be kind of different. I guess this was his way of showing solidarity and telling me he didn’t care about the mark on my arm. “Yeah. Thanks.” I leaned my head back against the wall.

“So, what do you want to do?” Willow asked. She was picking at the hem of her sweater.

I tried to think of a way forward. What kept coming to mind was the fact that if I hadn’t had a vision about Giles and Eyghon then my Watcher wouldn’t have told us anything. All that being a secret would have made that whole situation so much more dangerous.

 I’d done part of my duty in telling everyone about Angelus, but as long as the body switching was a secret I was still putting everyone in danger.

I rolled my head to the side to look at Willow. “They won’t believe me unless they see it, will they?”

“Won’t believe what?”

“The thing with me and Drusilla. You didn’t even entirely get it until Thanksgiving.” I sighed. “I’m going to have to tell my mom, too.”

Willow’s face was full of sympathy. “You’re strong, Buffy. You can get through this.”

“Thank you.” I slowly stood, but remained leaning against the wall. “I can’t go back in there right now. I need to go home and write a letter. Can you convince everyone to show up tonight? At, let’s say, ten pm?”

Oz and Willow stood up as well. “Where?”

“How about the gym?” Oz suggested. “It’s a big space. Less feeling trapped.”

I nodded. “That’ll work.”                                                                                                                                        

Willow brought me my backpack and I snuck out of the school right before the bell rang.  I trudged along the sidewalk and kicked at loose pebbles. Probably I shouldn’t be alone, only I didn’t have a lot of choice right now. I’d head home, write the letter to Dru, and then start cleaning and rearranging the basement.

The sun was warm on my skin. It felt really good. The fang marks on my arm twinged and I stopped to look at the bite. It was healing fast, though I thought I might end up with two faint scars. I turned my arm this way and that, looking at the wound in the bright light. It was so odd. Spike couldn’t be here with me in the sunshine, but his mark on my skin could. I was really, really hoping for those scars. 

****

_Dear Drusilla-_

_With Angelus being free things have become too dangerous for the switching to remain secret. Tonight, at 10 p.m., the plan is to confront the Scoobies. They’ll probably be all wigged out and forget who the real enemy is. But we won’t. I’m going to convince Spike and Dalton to stay (along with you, during the day) in our basement. I spent almost the entire day getting it cleaned, straightened, and ready. That means after confronting the Scoobies we’ll be telling my mom. It’s scary. I’m scared. I’m scared Angelus is going to kill Dalton before I can get him out of there._

_Please help me get through all of this. I know everything is hard for you right now, but I need you._

_Love, Buffy_

_P.S. I forgive you._

I at least thought I forgave her.  The practice behind the theory might be a little more difficult. My innocence, in every sense of the word, was gone. The body that technically belonged to me wasn’t a virgin and I’d had to face, and would continue to have to face, the confusion, hurt, and fear in my friends’ eyes. My worlds were colliding and there was no way to make it stop.

****

I blinked my eyes open to the very familiar ceiling of the factory. I tried to sit up but couldn’t. Both my arms were clapped in shackles and chained to the wall. Panicking, I pulled uselessly at the restraints.

Spike barreled out of our closet, jeans on and shirt in hand. He stumbled and landed heavily on the bed.  In an instant he was beside me with a hand on either side of my torso.

“Buffy, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here, luv.”

“What’s going on?” I rattled the chains for emphasis.

“Hush, it’s okay.” He leaned down and rubbed his cheek against mine. All at once the chains stopped freaking me out and the butterflies woke up and began doing their happy dance. I nuzzled my vampire and a purr vibrated in my chest.

He chuckled. “None of that, either.” He pulled a key from his pocket, undid the cuffs, and helped me sit up. “Dru was worried she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from going to Angelus, so she had me chain her.”

I felt a little queasy.  “Where’s Dalton?”

“Hiding somewhere, I think.”

“I hope so.” God, this was screwed up. I bowed my head. “How was Dru today?”

Spike sighed. “Not okay.” I didn’t push him for details. He stood and went to the vanity to grab the brush. Sitting behind me on the bed he started running it over my tangled hair.

“We can’t stay here.” I said after a moment.

“Where are we going to go?”

“I have an idea. Do you trust me?”

He put a finger against my cheek and turned my head until I could see him. “Yes.”

“We’re going to my house.”

He raised an eyebrow and I turned all the way around so I could see him better.

“It’s safe from other vampires.” I frowned. “Actually, I think Angel still has an invite. Crap.” How could I have forgotten that? Crap, crap, crap, crap!

“Your Watcher should be able to take care of that. Actually, Dalton could probably take care of it. The spell doesn’t take a whole lot of mojo.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.  “We should go eat. I’m doing a lot better with the walking, but I’m starving.”

The unsaid implication was there. Outside this room was Angelus.

“I’ll play Dru, you play broken.” He nodded and slipped his shirt on. I had a dress on, Dru must have slept in it. It was all black lace and velvet and was horribly uncomfortable. Spike donned his duster and pulled it tight around himself. A knight preparing for battle. He settled in his chair and waited for me to open the door.

The spicy scent of human blood washed over me and my demon charged to the fore. Spike had vamped out too. A pack of minions had surrounded the table and were feeding on someone. I ignored them and headed to the fridge. After grabbing a couple of pints I slammed the door closed and nearly jumped out of my skin as Angelus was standing right there.

He leered at me. “Feeding your little pet on wheels?”

“It’s easier than hunting,” I said and shrugged. The blood went into two mugs and I hated the fact I had to bend over to put them in the microwave.

“Is that what your little boy toy told you?” Angelus sneered. His hand wandered up my side and yanked me against him. “You need a real demon to remind you how it’s done.” He rolled his pelvis against me and I got the distinct impression he didn’t mean hunting.

I fixed a fake smile and my face and, giggling, reached between us to squeeze him through his pants. His leather pants. I was fairly certain I’d never seen Angel wearing leather pants. Surely Angelus hadn’t had time to go shopping yet. Did Angel keep them in the back of his closet just in case Angelus showed back up and was in immediate need of the most ridiculous pants possible? Creepy.

I was saved from more groping on either of our parts by the microwave dinging. “Oh, done!” I chirped and this time I made a big show of bending over and wiggled a little when Angelus pushed up against me.

This sucked. To save my life and the life of those I loved I was having to play nicely with my rapist. Well, Dru’s rapist. Our rapist? Geez, hadn’t he done that to her a long time ago, too? Now I was confused. How had she ever been able to look at Angel and not see her tormentor? Vampire relationships were so messed up.

I straightened up and quickly wove my way back to Spike with what I hoped was a very apologetic expression on my face, because he looked pissed. He had to know I was acting, right? I sat in his lap and handed him his mug.

“You okay?” he whispered very softly in my ear.

“I will be,” I whispered back. Then I giggled and bit playfully at his ear and he plastered a bemused smile on his face.

Angelus strolled over, a less than pleased look on his face. I could feel that ookey sense of ‘Sire’ radiating off him. I guess he didn’t like me ditching him for Spike. Too bad.

“You been keeping our girl from hunting?” Angel said, grabbing one of the chairs that’d been occasionally used on poker night and spinning it around to straddle to seat.

“I told you, mate, she’s not quite up to full strength yet.” Spike took a large gulp of blood and it left a faint reddish mustache on his upper lip that I licked off while continuing to giggle inanely like I was crazy-girl vamp. Angelus had better buy it because I was acting like a moron.

“Daddy wants to take me out to play!” I said, leaning backwards until I was halfway upside down. With a sharp click I snapped my teeth at Angelus.

He smiled, placated.

“I’m sure daddy does,” Spike sighed. His hand trailed up my stomach to grab the bodice of my dress and yank me upright. I growled and then giggled and licked his face. I really hoped I wasn’t overdoing it. I knew Dru was pretty looney and Dalton had told me some stories, but it was hard to judge just how crazy she could be. It was also pretty much a guarantee that she’d be better at playing the two men off each other than I was. Spike smirked at me. “If you were feeling all better I’m sure you’d have fun, but right now you’d just end up exhausted and in bed by midnight.”

I pouted.

“Don’t worry, Dru, I’ll bring you back something tasty.” Angelus ran a hand up and down his leg.

I forced my smile to widen and my eyes to sparkle. “Can we share?” I asked, running my tongue over my lips.

He vamped out and chuckled. “You know it, baby.”  Standing, he quickly crossed to me and kissed me deeply on the lips. I forced myself to relax and even managed a moan when he forced his tongue in between my lips and swirled it around my mouth. I panted for dramatic effect when Angelus broke the kiss and straightened up. “That’s what you’ve been missing.” It wasn’t a question. “Should have been taking notes, boy.” Angelus smacked Spike on the back of the head as he walked off. After a few steps he turned and sketched a bow towards me. “I’ll be back soon. Do wait up.” I smiled coyly at him, but inside I was a mess. I felt so gross. 

Once he was truly gone, taking half the minions with him, we exploded into action. Spike pulled the car around and we enlisted the remaining minions to help pack it with whatever belongings would fit. The TV stayed. I dumped most of my books and some of Dru’s clothes in the back, but a lot of the dresses were bulky and would have taken up too much room. I asked Spike about the dolls and he pointed to one and said that while Dru didn’t talk to it like she used to, that she’d still probably feel lost without it. I carefully wrapped it up and placed it where it wouldn’t get smushed.

I followed Dalton’s scent and found him cowering in his room. When I told him we were leaving he pulled out a battered old suitcase and quickly packed, babbling a steady stream of thank-yous. We were packed and the three of us piled in the car in less than an hour. There was even a cooler with most of the blood from the fridge in it.

Dalton, smart guy that he was, had started loudly asking questions about what Orlando was like because he’d never been there but he’d heard it was great for vamps because of all the tourists. Spike had caught on and tried to shush him, while winking, a couple of times saying he didn’t want Angelus to know where we were going. I did my best to play crazy and sang songs to myself and generally got in the way.

I didn’t think Angelus would be fooled for long, but hopefully we’d bought ourselves a little time.

Once Spike gunned the engine and pulled away from the curb I heaved a huge sigh of relief. Then I remembered to tell Spike to drive to the school. At his puzzled frown I told him that I’d decided tonight was the night we were going to drop the switching bodies bomb on all the Scoobies. Spike had cursed under his breath the whole way to the school, but he’d driven there without an argument.

Now we were waiting outside of Sunnydale High.

I was terrified.

“Try not to mess any of the doilies up this time,” I said lightly, trying to smile.

Spike gave a humorless chuckle. “Ancient history.” It really was. That Spike and Buffy, the ones who only wanted to kill each other, didn’t exist anymore. 

One of the doors to the gym was propped open and spilling yellow light into the darkness. My arms were wrapped tight around my middle. Everything would change when I walked through those doors. Giles would fix whatever was happening and before I knew it I wouldn’t be trading places with Drusilla anymore.

I wouldn’t spend my nights with Spike, it’d be back to patrolling and researching. And that was if we survived walking in that door. If Giles didn’t kill one of us on sight.

Spike killed the engine and reached over to take my hand. His lips were soft as they brushed across my knuckles. “You can do this. I’ll be right there with you.”

I gulped. That was part of the problem. I was even more worried about getting him or Dalton dusted than myself. The thought of Spike simply not being there was more than I could take. “Maybe you should wait in the car. I can wave you in after me and Dru explain everything.”

“Have you gone completely nuts?” Spike growled, his hold on my hand tightening. He yanked me across the bench seat so that I ended up halfway in his lap. Dalton, from his squished spot in the back, whimpered.  “You’re not going in there to face a bloody firing squad on your own. I know they’re your friends, but they might not be able to see that you’re Buffy. Not like I can.” His arms were tight around me. “You could get hurt or worse. I’m not going to sit out here cooling my heels while god knows what could be happening to you.” His eyes were luminous in the dark. “I love you, Buffy. No matter what happens in there, remember that.” I snuggled my head against his throat and he rested his chin on the top.

“I love you too,” I whispered. “Are you thinking they’re going to try and separate us?”

Spike huffed, a soft sound. “Yeah. Your Watcher isn’t going to be thrilled about any of this, but me most of all.”

“Ego much?”

He chuckled. “Maybe. Right now being forced apart from you is the thing I fear most in the whole sodding world.”

“What if Giles can just fix the switching? What if I’m permanently back in my Slayer body, forever and ever?”

He was running his fingers through my hair. “I don’t understand what you’re asking, pet.”

“I wouldn’t be able to see you so much.”

“Don’t you patrol at night?” His hand stilled and cradled the back of my head.

“Well, yeah.” Something akin to hope bloomed in my chest. “Would you do that with me?”

“Of course. It’s not even a question. Every night you’re out there I’d be right beside you.” He kissed my forehead. “Where the sodding hell else would I be?”

I wiggled my toes in happiness. “No one has ever offered anything even close to that before. Not being alone night after night would be a pretty huge thing to me. I’d even give up ice cream for that.”

“I’ll be there, and I won’t make you give up your sweets for the privilege.” He used the hand in my hair to tilt my head back. With a waggle of his eyebrows he leered down at me. “I also want to know if my Slayer can go all night long.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes, like I was supposed to. He was so good to me. Here we were, walking into the preverbal lion’s den and he was trying to make me feel better when he was the one not at full strength and had just had his entire world upended because he loved me. Spike was homeless and had just promised to help the Slayer with her duties. He was about to face a potentially lethal situation. And he was teasing me. To make me feel better. 

I leaned my forehead against his and closed my eyes. I breathed deeply, inhaling his scent. Memorizing every nuance that my human nose couldn’t pick out. My fingers traced the lines of his face. They were so familiar, so precious. I couldn’t remember anymore what it’d felt like to not know him, to not be in love with him.

“Hey, guys,” Dalton’s voice was an unwelcome interruption. Spike growled deep in his chest. “Um, I know you’re having a moment and everything, but it’s time to get in there.”

I sighed and slid away from Spike.  In the backseat Dalton snapped his pocket watch closed. “Are you coming or staying here?” I asked him.

“I guess I’ll go with you. I don’t want…I don’t…” He took a deep breath. “You’re my friend, Buffy. I want to be there for you.”

I smiled at him. “Thank you, Dalton. You’re a good guy.” He smiled, his eyes bashfully downcast. Beside me Spike lit up a smoke. I could tell from the way he was rolling the cigarette between his fingers that he was nervous. We all looked at each other one last time before opening our respective car doors and stepping out into the night. Spike dropped his partially smoked cigarette to the ground and ground it out under his heel.

My vampire came around the car and put his arm around me, guiding me towards the door to the gym. Dalton crept along behind us. We entered and found ourselves in a hallway that smelled of stale sweat and dirty socks. My heels tapped loudly on the concrete and Spike’s boots thudded dully. I looked back at Dalton, who was standing frozen in the middle of the hallway.

With a grunt, Spike kicked open the door to the main gym floor and we stepped through onto the highly polished wood floor. The lights were glaringly bright and made me blink.

“Buffy!” Giles voice rang out. My face snapped towards him even as Spike hauled me closer to his side. “What is the meaning of this?”

Everyone was there at the far end of the gym. Giles, Ms. Calendar, Willow, Xander, Oz, and even Cordelia. They were all staring at us, eyes wide in surprise. I could hear their hearts beating, pulsing with fear and shock. Their scents washed together into a confusing jumble and there was an odd note of something akin to wet dog that made my nose twitch.

Drusilla put a hand to her forehead and massaged her temples. She turned to look at Giles. “I asked them to come. In good faith.”

“That’s, uh…” Xander was trembling. “That’s Spike.”

“And Drusilla,” Willow said quietly from beside him. She looked between Drusilla in my body and me, a worried frown on her face.

Abruptly, Spike growled and shoved me behind him. Peeking over his shoulder I could see Giles leveling a loaded crossbow. Exploding into action, Dru spun and sprinted to my Watcher. She snatched the bow from his hands and broke it over her knee, angrily tossing away the splintered remains.

“I said I invited them in good faith,” she snapped. “That means no dusting.” She stomped to mid court and held her hand out towards me.

Slowly Spike turned and put his hands on my shoulders. He gazed deep into my eyes. “You going to be okay?” I nodded slightly. With a little sigh he pressed his lips to mine. It was a symbolic thing to do, there in front of everyone. ‘The girl is mine’ he was saying to Dru, Giles, and everybody else. I kissed him softly back and felt him tremble under my hands. He understood. I was declaring him mine as well. We parted and he smiled at me.

Taking a deep breath I strode to Drusilla and seized her hand. Our fingers interlocked tightly together. Her warm palm was comforting against mine. We faced my Watcher and friends as a united front.

“Buffy?” Giles’ eyes were darting between Dru and me. The others looked shocked, except for Willow who had a kind of dreamy look on her face. She always was a sucker for a love story and I guess me and Spike fit the bill. I just hoped we’d have a happy…well, not ending. I didn’t want it to end. A happy very long time together.

Drusilla glanced up at me. “This is a little complicated,” she started.

I kept going. “Every single night, between sundown and sunup, Drusilla and I…”

“We switch places.” Her voice was matter of fact. “So right now I’m Drusilla.”

“And I’m Buffy.”

No one spoke, they just gaped.

“We don’t know how,” Drusilla said into the silence.

“Or why,” I added.

Giles’ mouth open and closed a few times. “How long has this been happening?” he finally managed to whisper in a hoarse voice.

I turned my head to glare at Spike. “Right question,” I said with narrowed eyes. He shuffled his feet and looked heavenward. He’d lit another cigarette and the smoke was drifting lazily through the air.

Beside me Drusilla sighed and shook her blonde hair out of her eyes. I looked back at my Watcher. “Since the end of last September,” she supplied.

“Dear lord!”

“Whoa!” Xander threw up his hands. “Whoa, hold on. For months I’ve been hanging out with a vampire?”

I rolled my eyes.

“I’m not a vampire when I’m in this body,” Drusilla said, indignant. “I patrol and kill vampires and demons.” She looked at the floor. “I thought I’d been doing a good job being the Slayer, a friend, and a…and a girlfriend.” Her eyes turned to me, full of tears. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I’m so sorry! I didn’t know that would happen, and I tried to say no.” Her voice cracked. “I just couldn’t.”

I let go of her hand and wrapped her in a hug. “I know Dru. I’m still upset and weirded out, but I understand. He’s your Sire.” She nodded tearfully against my shoulder. There was a thump and I glanced over to see my Watcher sitting on the wooden bleachers. His glasses were off and his head was in his hands. Ms. Calendar had her hand on his shoulder and a worried look on her face. Cordy seemed confused. Xander still looked shocked. Oz and Willow were standing hand in hand, whispering with their heads together.

Willow had her head turned towards us and suddenly let out a started squeal and let go of Oz to dash past us and a startled Spike to the doors behind us. She disappeared for a second and came back in with a vamped out and very alarmed Dalton in tow.  I couldn’t help but laugh. Dru moved away from me to see what was happening and even she smiled through her tears.

“Everyone,” Willow spoke loudly. “This is Buffy’s friend Dalton.” She turned to him. “You don’t have to be scared,” she said. Willow pointed out and named everyone for him.

Dalton gave a little wave with the hand Willow didn’t have an iron grip on. “I’m sorry about-“ He gestured to his face. “You’d think I’d have better control after sixty years but whenever I’m nervous I can’t help it.”

Giles was staring at Dalton. Slowly he stood, but walked over to me. Tentatively he put a hand on my shoulder. I could hear Spike take a step towards me but I shook my head. Giles and I had to work this out.

“It is you in there, isn’t it?” Giles asked quietly.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Do you-“ His eyes shifted to Spike for a moment before returning to me. “How much of a vampire are you?”

I wrinkled my nose. “Huh?”

“She’s bagging it,” Spike said from behind me. “Got us all doing it, actually.” He took a deep drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly. “Your Slayer hasn’t killed anybody. Only thing she’s taken down this whole time was a raccoon.”

“And that was really gross!” I said emphatically.

Spike had gradually closed the distance between us, but it was me that took the step back from my Watcher to lean against the comforting and solid body of my vampire. His arm snaked around my waist and I felt him relax a fraction. He flicked the butt of the cigarette to the floor.

Xander had approached Drusilla and was leaning slightly towards her as they talked animatedly about something. Ms. Calendar had joined Willow, Oz, and Dalton. The vampire was looking substantially less worried and I supposed Jenny had asked him an academic related question because he seemed to be going on at length while she nodded.

Giles was darting his eyes between Spike, Drusilla, and me. No, not me, Spike’s arm around me. My Watcher let out a harsh breath and narrowed his eyes at Spike. “Buffy, you weren’t at school yesterday.”

“Uh, no.”

“You.” Giles pointed a finger at Spike. “Bit her!”

“Oh, bloody hell,” Spike groused. “Yes, Watcher. I bit your Slayer, but I wasn’t taking anything that wasn’t freely offered.”

I groaned. Way to help the situation. Not. Spike standing here, instead of being in a wheelchair, made the whole thing entirely worth it to me, but I doubted that would make my flabbergasted Watcher feel any better.

“It needed to happen,” I said firmly. “I’ll explain it to you tomorrow, Giles.”

“Tomorrow,” he echoed.

“Yes. Right now I need to get Spike, Dalton, and myself someplace safe. I need Drusilla, too. Tomorrow we’ll talk all you want. You’ll probably find it easier with me in my regular body.”

Giles nodded mutely.

I opened my mouth to call out to Dalton, only I didn’t get the chance as pain seared through my skull. The floor rushed at me, but Spike’s strong arms caught me before I ended up face planting into it. He cradled me against him as another wave of agony made every single one of my muscles go rigid.

“What’s happening to her?” Giles worried voice was close by.

“Vision,” was Spike’s terse reply.

The gym faded away into nothingness.


	23. Negotiations

If you could hide inside me, maybe for awhile

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Name”

****

_Tuesday, January 20, 1998_

I was going to have to send someone a really sarcastic thank you card for the timing of giving me a full on mega vision on the floor of the gym in the middle of me and Dru trying to negotiate peace between our worlds. My anger at my lack of control over my body and mind rose along with the images.

****

_I was in the factory but it seemed a macabre place, full of long and twisted shadows. Angel, no Angelus, was there yelling at the minions. He wore his demon face and his yellow eyes were cold and cruel. Behind him walked a hulking blue demon in robes. The Judge. The scene shifted and we were standing in Sunnydale Mall. The bright white light hurt my eyes.  Angelus turned to me and smiled before stepping out of the way of the Judge. The demon lifted his hands and the busy shoppers started turning to ash. There was another shift and I was standing in the living room of an unfamiliar house. In front of me was a statue. Dread emanated from it. Death, horror, the end. I turned and tried to run but Angelus was blocking my path. I opened my mouth to scream but it became a howl. Someone else’s howl. Oz stood in front of me with dark eyes and a mouth full of wicked teeth. He blinked and threw back his head to howl once more at the full moon that hung heavy in the night sky._

_****_

I opened my eyes and nearly screamed. So many faces and eyes were looking at me. Spike was still holding me and I turned my face into his chest as the tears started. He rubbed my back and murmured little nothings into my hair about how I’d be okay and I was his brave girl.

My post vision headache was making it feel like my brain was trying to liquefy and drip out my ear. So while Giles’ voice was low when he spoke, it still made me jump. 

“Buffy? Are you okay?”

Spike growled and clutched me closer. I nearly panicked, thinking my anchor and comfort were about to be ripped away from me.

It was Drusilla who spoke up. “She’ll be okay in a minute. Big visions like that really hurt and leave you with a terrible headache afterwards. They’re also frightening and overwhelming and leave you feeling adrift.”

“Dear lord.”

Dru sighed. “My family, my human family, thought they were evil and that my sight came from the devil. I tried so hard to be good so I’d stop receiving them. Didn’t work though. And whether or not they were evil they attracted evil, and that was worse.”

“Angelus,” Willow said, a flat statement.

“Yes,” Dru whispered.

I turned my head and opened my eyes just enough to be able to watch Willow wrap her arms around Drusilla. It made me happy to see my best friend comforting her. A distressed looking Xander even patted her on the back. Slowly I started working towards sitting upright. Spike’s strong hands steadied me and for a second my thoughts ran away with me as I looked at his fingers where they wrapped around me.

His hands had hurt me, healed me, soothed me, and given me pleasure. I covered his fingers with my own. “I love your hands,” I told him, needing him to know.

He gave me a wry smile and kissed my forehead. “That poor brain of yours must have gotten properly rattled.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

Squaring his shoulders Xander walked over to where we were sitting and offered me his hand. After a second’s hesitation I took it and he pulled me upright. I wobbled on my feet but Spike was right there with an arm around my waist to steady me.

I didn’t let go of Xander’s hand and I leaned my head against his shoulder. “You’re so warm.” I told him. Xander blushed and behind me Spike gave an exasperated sounding sigh. I elbowed him. “Be nice.”

“I’ll get right on that,” he grumbled, but he didn’t say anything or move away.

Giles was watching all of us, his face unreadable. Jenny and Dalton were still talking. She had a scrap of paper in her hands and appeared to be making a list.

“Hey,” I said weakly. No one stopped what they were doing.

Xander huffed. “Yo!” he nearly yelled. “The Buffster has something to say.” Everyone turned towards me and I clutched Xander’s hand a little tighter.

“Um…” I looked around at the people that meant so much to me. “I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t truthful with everyone a long time ago and that all this is happening.”

Drusilla held up her hand. “I’m sorry as well. I care about all of you. I didn’t…I…I had no idea…Angelus would…”

 Jenny walked over to her and put a hand on her arm. “Drusilla, stop it. Angelus’ actions are not your fault. They have never been your fault.”

“Thank you,” Dru said, her eyes on the floor. I could tell she didn’t believe it. We’d all just have to keep telling her until it sunk in. Though Angelus had a centuries long head start

Giles was watching me. “What did you see, Buffy?”

I licked my lips. “The Judge, fully assembled, blasting people to smithereens. I think it was at the mall.” I wrinkled my nose.

“Makes sense,” Oz said with a shrug. “If I was looking for people to line up for death that’s where I’d go.”

“But that wasn’t the worst.” I sounded much calmer than I felt.

Cordy frowned. “What could be worse than being zapped while you’re shopping?” I crinkled my nose because she did kind of have a point there and I hated agreeing with Cordelia. The cold feeling from my vision returned to haunt me. Fine, brain, there were much more horrible things.

“The Judge just destroys humanity but whatever this is—and all I saw was a statue—it destroys everything.”

Spike laughed, which he quickly cut short.

“Find something amusing, Spike?” My watcher managed to make his name sound like a swear word.

Spike huffed. “Well, yeah. I don’t know what Angelus’ game is but it’s bloody stupid.”

“Oh?” Giles crossed his arms and gazed expectantly at him.

“No hamburgers without cows running around eating grass and making more little cows.” I turned my head to glare at him. Spike shrugged, completely unrepentant, though a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “There’s a few other things I like about this world.” He winked at me, the jerk. “Manchester United, for one.”

Giles seemed confounded. “You like football?”

I turned back to my Watcher and rolled my eyes. “Oh my god. I’ve had to sit through the tapes.”

“I thought you liked watching those with me.” I let go of Xander and shrugged off Spike’s arm so I could turn and face him, hands on my hips. He was pouting. Like that would work.

“’With you’ is the important part of that. I don’t mind watching them with you, but you have to know if you weren’t there I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about any of it.”

“Oh! Fine. This from the girl who made me sit through Titanic.” He held up two fingers. “Twice.”

Xander groaned. “I’m sorry man. That movie’s girl kryptonite.”

“She started with the weeping and wailing during the opening credits the second time and didn’t stop till we’d been home an hour.”

“You made me watch all those old westerns back to back.”

He looked truly affronted. “Those are classics!”

“Only because they’re old.”

“Pretty Woman!” He spat and took a step towards me.

I did the same. “Reservoir Dogs. Which you seem to think is a comedy.”

“Clueless.” We were nose to nose now.

“Robocop…3.”

“The Princess Bride.”

I scowled. “Now hold up. Don’t even try and pretend you don’t like that one. You can quote the entire thing!”

“Well, maybe.” His stupidly long-for-a-guy eye-lashes swept down and back up as I watched mesmerized.

From behind me Giles cleared his throat. Loudly. “Buffy?”

“What?” I snapped, spinning around. My eyes widened when I realized everyone was watching us with dumbfounded expressions on their face. Except for Dalton. He had his arms crossed and was wearing his patented long-suffering look.

Ms. Calendar shook her head. “Are they always this bad?” she asked Dalton.

“This and worse. I’d be more worried if they stopped bickering for longer than an hour at a time. You’d think they’d been married for twenty years.”

Both me and Spike shot him icy glares, but he just raised an unconcerned eyebrow.

“Buffy.” Giles tried again. This time I managed to focus on him. “This evening has been long and very trying.” Yeah right. He’d had to spend exactly zero time fondling Angelus. “By all rights there are three creatures in here that it is my duty to see dusted.”

Spike had vamped out and shoved me behind him before I had a chance to blink. His lip was curled up in a silent snarl.

My Watcher looked down his nose at Spike. “Do calm yourself. I have no intention of harming any of you. Obviously a great deal has been going on right under my nose for months.” He pulled his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “And here I thought my Slayer had simply become much more obedient and compliant. I should have known better.”

Spike chuckled and he shook off his demon. I peeked at Giles over my vampire’s shoulder while wrapping one arm around him and subtly encouraging him to lean against me. He wasn’t anywhere near full strength and we’d been standing around in here for a while now.

With a sigh Giles settled his glasses back into place. “We all have a lot to think about. Researching ways to defeat The Judge should be at the top of our priority list.”

Drusilla squared her shoulders. “With Angelus running around we all need to be exceedingly careful. No going out alone at night period.” There was a chorus of agreement.

“What are you planning to do now, Buffy?” my Watcher asked.

“We fled the factory, the three of us.”

Drusilla looked pained for a moment. It’d been her home too. I couldn’t quite shake the feeling of home associated with it either, but it’d become a trap.

“Taking what we could,” I continued. “I need Dru to come with us because the only place that’d be safe is one we can lock Angelus out of, and since it’s me and Dru’s mess that place is going to be my house.”

Giles was visibly shocked. “Buffy, I…” He took a deep breath. “I have to trust you. That you would never knowingly put your mother in danger. What do you plan to tell her?”

“The truth, all of it.”

Giles nodded. “That’s probably for the best. Do you want me to come as well?”

I shook my head. “No. I think me and Drusilla need to do this.”

My Watcher smiled tightly. He looked tired.

“I understand why you’re asking about the disinvite spell now,” Ms. Calendar said. “If I give Willow the ingredients during class tomorrow she can go home with Buffy after school. I trust you two will have little problem performing it?”

Willow beamed. “We’ll do great!”

“I’m sure we will. It is fairly straightforward,” Dalton agreed.

After stilted good-byes and a few ‘see you tomorrows’, Dalton, Spike, Dru and I retreated out of the gym to Spike’s car. Dru and I nearly had to sit on top of each other in the front seat in order for us all to fit.

“That could have gone worse,” I said into the growing silence. Spike grunted in reply as he convinced the DeSoto that it wanted to be in fourth gear. I tried again. “Was it just me or did that whole place smell of dog?”

“Werewolf,” Dalton said quietly.

Both me and Dru turned to face him with our mouths hanging open.

“There’s one or more werewolves at your school. It’s not unusual and it’s only during the full moon that they’re a problem.”

“We’ve got other things to worry about besides a couple of kids that get extra hairy once a month.” Spike rolled his window partway down and lit a cigarette.  Me and Dru shared a look, because while we didn’t want to argue we both knew that’s not how being the Slayer worked. It was another problem to add to our ever growing list.

****

I was regretting having refused Giles’ offer to come with us. Dru looked scared and the yellow porch light wasn’t doing much for the complexion of those of us currently without a heartbeat. Spike, Dalton, and I really looked dead. And kind of creepy. It didn’t help that we were all scanning the area around us like Angelus was about to jump out of the bushes at any second.

Spike’s car would be a dead giveaway, but we needed to unload it before he hid it, so currently it was sitting parked at the curb.

Drusilla raised her hand to knock but faltered before connecting.

“Bloody hell,” Spike muttered under his breath.  He reached past her and banged loudly on the door.

There were footsteps and my mom opened the door an inch. Her brows drew together when she saw Drusilla. “Buffy? Why didn’t you just let yourself in?”

“Because I’m not alone and there’s a whole lot of stuff going on that I…that we need to talk to you about.” Dru took a deep breath. She pushed on the door so it swung wide open.

Mom’s eyes landed on me. “Drusilla?”

“This is Spike and Dalton,” I said, shifting uneasily. The porch was too exposed. Spike drew his duster tighter about himself.

My mom was looking at us like we might be there to steal the silver. Or, I suppose, kill her. Which would be the appropriate mental jump to make when you find vampires on your doorstep. “What’s going on? it’s the middle of the night.” She eyed Spike. “And haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”

His wide eyes met mine and I shook my head slightly.

“Mom.” Drusilla’s voice was tight. She sounded afraid. “You need to invite us in and we’ll explain, okay?”

“O-Okay, why don’t…”

“Better make it specific, Ms. Summers,” Dalton interrupted. That was a great idea. If someone was hiding next to the porch a general invite could apply to them as well.

Mom blinked. “Buffy, Drusilla, Spike-“ She looked at him hard. “And…”

“Dalton,” I supplied.

“Dalton. Won’t you please come in?” She stepped back and Dru led us through into the kitchen. I immediately pulled out a chair and directed Spike to sit. The fact that he did so without complaining told me volumes about how bad he must be doing.

My mom came in behind us and tied the sash of her tattered blue robe more securely. “What going on?” She continued to eye Spike. “And I do know you from somewhere? Don’t I?”

Spike sighed. “You hit me with an ax one time.” He sort of mimed the action. “Get away from my daughter and all that.”

“Spike!” Dru and I admonished simultaneously.

“Buffy!” my mom gasped. “Are you in a gang?”

“What?” Drusilla asked, perplexed.

I crossed my arms. “You didn’t seriously buy that whole gang on PCP excuse did you?”

“Excuse?” Mom echoed.

“Gang on PCP?” Dru looked completely befuddled.

“It’s the standard Sunnydale Police explanation whenever a citizen sees someone with bumpies and lives to tell the tale,” I explained.

“Oh, I get it.” Dru turned to my mom. “No, I’m not in a gang. I’m a Vampire Slayer and these are vampires, only they need help.”

Mom frowned. “Are you crazy?”

Spike groaned and let his head fall back.

“She’s not crazy,” I said.

“That’s debatable,” Spike muttered.

I hit him lightly on the shoulder. “You’re not helping.”

“Dru, there’s something important you don’t know.” I waited until she was looking at me. Mom was really frowning now and looking back and forth between the two of us. “After defeating Lothos in L.A. and burning the gym down I was babbling all kinds of things about vampires and being the Chosen One. Mom and Dad had me committed. I was there until I learned to keep my trap closed.”

The chair squeaked as Spike sat back up and pulled me so I was standing between his knees. I was trembling as he wrapped his arms around me and laid his head against my hip. I knew there was no way I was going back to that place but I was still afraid of it and how I’d been made to feel there.

 Dru’s face was a picture of horrified shock. “But it’s all true,” she whispered.

“Buffy?” my mom asked, bewildered. She went to put a hand on Dru’s shoulder.

Drusilla flinched and moved away. “I’m Drusilla right now and she’s Buffy.” Dru pointed at me. “Something happened and we switch bodies every night.”

Well, there went that cat, right out of the bag.

“I’m so confused.” My mom rubbed her forehead with one hand. She looked at Dalton, who was doing his best to disappear into a corner of the kitchen. “You’re a vampire?” she asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

“You drink…blood?”

“Uh, yes. Though lately it’s not been human.”

“That’s good, I guess.” Mom was staring hard at my friend with his glasses and receding hairline. “How do I know that you’re a vampire? Are you all drunk?”

Dalton looked affronted. “No ma’am. Uh…” He shifted into his demon face with a sigh of relief.

My mom shrieked and jumped backwards, nearly bumping into Spike and I.  She shrank back from us as well, but stared at me. “You’re my daughter right now?”

“Yes.”

“Prove it.”

Well, that was fair. “I have a stuffed pig named Mr. Gordo that’s been mine since I can remember. I like ice skating and Dad used to take me to the Ice Capades every year for my birthday. When I was five you lost me in the supermarket and while you and Dad panicked and the police were called in I was safely curled up behind a pallet of strawberries in the back, taking a nap.”

Mom’s eyes were wide. She turned to Drusilla, who’d raked her blonde hair back from her forehead with one hand.

“What?” she said, sounding irritated. “When I was five my parents gave me a fat little pony named Turnip and a pink dress I got switched for getting mud on.”

Shaking her head, Mom looked at me again. Her eyes dropped to Spike’s arms around my waist.

“Why are you touching my daughter?” she barked at him.

He started to pull away but I clamped my fingers over his. “Spike’s my boyfriend.” God, there was that word again. That completely inadequate word. Spike relaxed and nuzzled my hip. I stroked one hand over his hair, tangling my fingers in the little curls that were starting to escape the gel.

“I thought Angel was your boyfriend.”

I huffed. “Angel was Drusilla’s boyfriend.”

“He’s a vampire, too.” Dru said. She was looking at the floor with her arms crossed over her stomach. “And he’s the reason we’re here. Something…happened and now he’s evil. Really evil. Whole world destroying evil.” She looked so small and sad. “And it’s my fault.”

I went to her and hugged her tight. “No, it’s not.” My eyes met my mom’s. “I cleaned out the basement today. I want Drusilla, Spike, and Dalton to stay here until we find a way to make things safe. Willow and Dalton are going to make it so Angel can’t come inside the house tomorrow, unless someone invites him in again. So don’t do that.” Mom gulped and nodded. “Good, because he will kill you. None of this is a game. Now, let’s get what we can out of the car.”

My mom sat down. “I need a drink.”

“Spike?” He realized I was giving him an out on carrying stuff from the car.

While he raided our small supply of liquor, Dalton, Dru, and I got what we needed out of the car. Including a set of chains.

“You’re going to have to keep me restrained during the day,” Dru said sadly. “I don’t even trust myself.”

“Thank you.” I told her, sincerely touched by her ability to honestly see herself. Using Slayer strength she anchored the restraints into the wall above one of the cots. We only had two and I had no doubt it’d be poor Dalton sleeping on the floor. I’d have to remedy that.

Feeling odd, I sent Spike and Dru to hide the car. I trusted them. It just didn’t seem right but right now Dru was the one who’d be best able to fight if it was needed. I was going to be a wreck until they came back and that was on top of my worry of Angelus finding them. Jealousy was stupid and impossible to get rid of just because you wanted it gone.

Dalton stood next to me as I anxiously peered out of the living room window. There was motion across the street. I hissed and grabbed Dalton’s arm, but it was only a strangely dressed human. He looked like he should be on safari, not running around suburbia. And was that a gun?

He disappeared back into the shadows and I shrugged. Angelus or his cronies would probably pick him off if he continued to be nutty and wonder around after dark.

I scrunched up my face. That would be bad. He was human and I really should warn him, but if you lived in Sunnydale and didn’t know the basic rules you were just stupid and would probably get run over by a car anyways.

My mom came into the living room with a glass in her hand. “Buffy, can I talk to you alone for a moment?”

“Of course, you’re my mom.”

Dalton smiled at her. “Thanks for letting us stay here, ma’am.”

“You’re welcome. Just…lets…” She circled her finger in front of her face.

“I’ll do my best.” He slipped past her into the kitchen and headed for the basement door.

“Can you do the face thing, too, when you’re in that body?” Mom asked. She sat in the chair and I perched on the edge of the couch.

“The bumpies? Sure.” I didn’t, though. There were some things my mom didn’t need to see. “Sorry,” I said into the lengthening silence.  

Mom was staring at me. “I don’t really understand any of this.” Her voice was small and bewildered.

“It’s a lot to take in.” I clasped my hands between my knees. My mom’s brows were drawn together and she kept tapping her fingers against the arm of the chair. I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t change being the Slayer or just stop the body switching.

She pursed her lips. “Is that guy really your boyfriend, Buffy?”

Huh? With the what?

“Well, yeah.”

“He tried to kill you, Buffy! I hit him with an ax!”

I shrugged. “Things change. He wouldn’t kill me now and he totally doesn’t hold the ax hitting against you or anything. Anyway, vampires are like Slayers, fast healers.”

My mom slumped in her chair. “You’ve been doing so well, Buffy. I hadn’t seen that other guy since before Christmas. I thought you’d meet some nice boy at school and maybe he’d wear polo shirts and smell like expensive cologne. I really believed my biggest worry would be that he’d have a car. Not that he’d try and kill my little girl.”

“Ugh. I just said Spike wouldn’t try to kill me now.” I rolled my eyes. Seriously. Angelus and his world ending plans were the big problems, not who I was making the smoochies with.

Mom massaged her temples. “Do you have to be the Slayer? Have you tried not being one?”

“It doesn’t work like that,” I grumbled. “It’s not like someone made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. It’s a whole mystical cosmic destiny.”

“And the switching bodies?”

“I’m guessing we’ll figure out a way to stop that soon. It’s another thing I didn’t get a choice about. In fact, my entire life seems to be a long series of things I didn’t choose happening to me. I guess I’m just cursed.”

My mom looked dubiously at me. “Spike?”

Did she have to sound hopeful? “No, sorry. I picked him.”

“Oh.” There was another long silence. “I’m going to try.”

“Try what?”

“Try to be understanding and make this work. I’m not happy. Actually, I’m hoping that maybe I just ate something off for dinner and this is all simply a long, confusing dream. But if it’s not I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

She drained her glass, set it down hard on the coffee table, and went upstairs to her bedroom.

It was only a few minutes later that Spike and Dru came rushing up the sidewalk. I let them in. “Any sign of Angelus?”

“No, maybe the berk bought our cover story.”

Dru sighed. “He’ll figure it out sooner or later.” She yawned. “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you two later.”

“Hungry?” I asked Spike as he looped an arm around me. I turned my head into his shoulder and if he noticed that I gave him a little surreptitious sniff he didn’t say anything. I relaxed as I found nothing but the scent of him and this body. My demon, which had been hovering right below the surface, chilled out too.

“Starving. Let’s down the good stuff while it lasts.”

I let him lead me into the kitchen.

****

_Wednesday, January 21, 1998_

Oh, that was weird. One second I was sitting in my basement, chained to the wall and snuggled against my boyfriend, and the next I was sitting in my bedroom. I was holding the notebook.

_Buffy!_

_This is great! Thank you so much for keeping us safe. I’m sure Mom will come around. I guess we don’t need the notebook so much anymore since we can just talk to each other. Unless there’s something we don’t want the boys to know (wink, wink). We should get them to do things around the house. Though we might have more success with Dalton than Spike. Thank you again._

_Love, Dru_

I set it down with a sigh. Having three vampires sleeping in your basement probably didn’t qualify me for the Slayer of the Year Award. Not that Kendra wasn’t already the front runner on that one. I really didn’t want to go to school and face everyone there. At least I was already dressed and ready to go. Drusilla really was good at that.

My mom knocked on my open door. “Buffy?”

“Yeah.” I gestured towards the window. “Sun’s up so I’m back where I’m supposed to be.” That reminded me. I stood up from the vanity chair and pulled the blinds in my room. It just seemed right that the place be vampire friendly. Once the sun was blocked I sat down on the edge of my bed.

Mom was fastening an earring. “You’re going to school today?”

“Yup.”

She looked relieved. “Will our guests be okay?”

“Um, yeah.” I flushed. “Spike’s been here before and knows where everything is.” My mom raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. “We brought plenty of blood so it’ll be a while before anyone needs to run to the butcher’s. Dalton’s going to have the disinvite spell nailed down by the time I get home from school and him and Willow are going to perform it. But really, vampires mostly sleep during the day. So everyone should be great.”

“And Drusilla?”

I could have hugged her for thinking of Dru right then. “She loves you, Mom. You know that, right?”

Mom appeared a little surprised.

“Dru’s not faking enjoying spending time with you. She loves the cooking lessons and watching old movies with you. Though now you can ask her about the first time she saw most of them. She remembers the oddest things, like a hat someone wore or the name of the person she was sitting next to. Just remind her to keep the vamp part of the stories to herself. She might forget you don’t want to hear that kind of stuff.”

“Ah. Okay. Well, you behave yourself young lady and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Bye, Mom.”

She walked into my room and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. I should have followed her downstairs and made myself breakfast but instead I found myself still sitting on my bed and staring at the wall when she started up her car and left. I sighed. Spike was right downstairs and I had to go sit through Algebra, history, health class, and what was guaranteed to be a very long winded lecture from my Watcher. Yay.

I was trying to work up the motivation to move when I heard steps on the stairs. A second later I was knocked backwards on the bed by a Spike-shaped cannon ball. He dragged me so I was lying fully on the mattress and then pinned me there with his weight. The butterflies took wing just from that, but then his lips latched hungrily onto mine and he was thrusting his tongue into my mouth and it felt like I was the one soaring.

He was only wearing his jeans and I eagerly ran my hands over his back. His muscles bunched and flexed under my touch and I was quickly losing the ability to think.

Still kissing me like there was no tomorrow he worked a hand up under my skirt and pulled my underwear down to my knees. Finally, he sat back on his heels, grinning.

“What…are…you…” I panted.

“No time to talk, pet. Got to get you to class.”  He yanked my undies down to my ankles, pushed my knees wide, and leaned forward as he bunched my skirt up. I yelped. He’d done this to me while I’d been in Dru’s body, but he hadn’t known it was me at the time. I flushed and tried to close my legs. He frowned up at me. “Something wrong?”

“I…No one’s seen…” Suddenly I stopped and my body sagged. I looked away from him. “Actually I don’t know that do I?”

Spike growled, a deep feral sound that made my Slayer senses go crazy and the part of me that was all girl melt. “Look at me.” My eyes found his as I slowly turned my face back towards him. His eyes were the yellow ones of the demon. He shook off his vamp face but his gaze never left mine. “You weren’t there, and I bloody well don’t want you thinking about that git when I’m between your legs, yeah?”

My eyebrows shot up. “Uh.”

“Now open up for your Spike.” He tapped my knee and I swear my legs parted like they had a mind of their own. He looked down and smiled goofily. Any reservations I had flew right out the window. He feasted on me until I saw the stars. Twice.

When he pulled my undies back up and sort of pushed me out of bed I could barely walk. I shakily turned back to where he was laying sprawled out. “What about you?” I asked.

He smirked. “Don’t worry about me, luv.” He splayed his hand out on his belly with the end of his pinky finger just barely dipping below the waistband of his jeans. “I’ll be just fine. Now you best toddle off. If you run you might not be too late.”

I glanced at my alarm clock and my eyebrows shot up. I grabbed my backpack, nearly fell over my own feet, and seriously debated just skipping. But I’d promised my mom. With a last wave at a bemused Spike I dashed downstairs and out of the house. Running the entire way I managed to slip into my desk just as the second tardy bell rang.

My French teacher gave me a hard look but technically I wasn’t late so there was nothing he could do. I was all icky. I’d been kind of sweaty before I’d started running and now I was downright gross. Judging from the looks Cordelia was giving me, my hair must be in pretty bad shape. Not that I cared when my whole body was still humming with pleasure like a plucked guitar string.

I probably could have just skipped French for all the good the class did me. The teacher might have lectured about something, maybe, I didn’t know. My mind was a stuck record. All I could think about was that Spike was at my house sleeping naked in my bed, and that before he would have gone to sleep… I had to keep my hand clamped over my mouth to keep the giggles from escaping.

The day dragged on and on. I must have appeared to be the biggest airhead in the universe because I couldn’t concentrate very long on anything. I spent the entire day wanting nothing more than to get home.

To him.


	24. It's Better to Give

The things you wanna feel

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Slide”

****

_Wednesday, January 21, 1998_

Giles had his handkerchief out and was polishing the lenses of his glasses yet again. Was this the eighth time? Maybe only the seventh? I had started out the lecture by trying to count how many times my Watcher cleaned his glasses. Only my brain was still on the ‘my boyfriend’s naked in my bed’ bullet train. I knew the speech had something to do with duty and responsibility and probably how I was not living up to standards. Or unliving up to standards, half the time. I wasn’t entirely sure Giles really understood that part.

I let my head fall back.

“Are you even listening to me?” Giles snapped with enough anger to make me, Willow, and Xander sit up straight.

“Not exactly,” I huffed, looking at the top of the table instead of his disappointed eyes.

“Buffy-“

“Wait, stop. I get that I’m not anyone’s idea of a great Slayer. That’s Kendra. Write her a nice note about how awesome she is. I’m not even a Slayer half the time and I’m not sure you get that. I have spent months being a soulless vampire every night.”

“Soulless?” Giles eyes were very wide. The glasses came off again. Ninth, I decided.

“Yeah, it hangs with my body, so Dru gets a good dose of guilt with her Slaying.”

Giles wasn’t even blinking. “You…demon?”

I frowned. Giles not making complete sentences was not a good thing. “Yup. I demon. Don’t you remember when you cut Angel down? I’m sorry about that by the way, I was sort of high.”

My Watcher sat down heavily in a chair. “Dear lord, Buffy. That was you. In Drusilla’s body, that was you.” All the implications must have just hit him.

“Yes.”

“But you don’t kill humans.” It was a statement, not a question. He probably had to believe that so he could still see me as Buffy. He set his glasses back on his nose.

“No,” I said quietly. “The very first time I was close to someone with a pulse it was a near thing, but I passed the test. It’s easier now.” I shrugged. “You should have seen me the first time I was around a crucifix. Spike tells the story better than I do, but it was pretty comical.”

Xander leaned forward with his elbows on the table. “Do you think this half-time vampire thing is going to make dusting vamps weird for you? Like it’s killing your own kind or something?”

“Nah.” I shook my head. “There’s no vamp solidarity movement or anything. You get attached to your family, but every other vampire is competition and fair game. Someone with enough clout can get younger vamps, minions, to work together, but it’s always temporary.”

Giles looked over the top of his glasses at me. “Like Spike?”

I snorted. “Like me. When Spike got hurt I was the one, and that’s me, not Drusilla, that took control at the factory.”

“Spike was hurt?” Giles asked. He pulled a pencil and notebook out of his pocket.

I glared at him. My boyfriend was not a research subject.

“Um, the organ in the church came down on him? Remember?” Willow said. “He kept it from landing on Buffy, but it broke his back. He was really messed up. Lots of pain and he couldn’t walk.”

Giles looked at me and I nodded. He wrote something down and frowned. Setting the pencil and pad down he took off his glasses again. Ten, I silently counted. “Willow, how long have you known about all this?”

She gulped and visibly paled as her eyes darted towards me. I waved my hand dismissively. “Might as well tell it all.”

“Since November,” she squeaked.

“Ah,” Giles was rubbing extra hard at his lenses.

I wrapped my arms around myself. “I promise never again. I knew I should have told you right away and I meant to, but then I didn’t. And I just didn’t until I no longer wanted to.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to tell us?” Xander asked, his face full of confusion.

“Because I thought you’d hate me.” My voice was tiny but both Willow and Xander were shaking their heads before I was even done speaking.

“Weirded out and confused, sure. And did I mention weirded out and confused? But never hate!” Xander was leaning forward, his fingers splayed wide on the table.

Giles had started to put his glasses back on but lowered his hand instead. Was that still number ten? Or did it count as eleven? He was looking hard at me. “And because you thought we’d stop it.”

“Yeah,” I said very quietly.

“Truthfully, Buffy, I spent nearly all of last night with Jenny looking for what could be causing this to happen and we came up completely empty handed. I have no idea.” He settled his glasses on his face. “And right now I’m extremely unsure if I can trust you. You’ve been playing with fire for months. You’re in…you’re…”

“In love with,” I supplied.

“Yes. With a soulless creature who I can only take your word for it that he’s not plotting to kill us all. A creature that you unaccountably let bite you…” He trailed off and I rubbed the nearly healed spot through the arm of my shirt. Giles narrowed his eyes at me. “He was hurt, and you were healing him. Slayer blood…”

“It worked.” I gripped the edge of the table. “He can walk now.”

“But he wouldn’t be able to fight. He wouldn’t be able to protect you from Angelus.”

I shook my head. “So we got out of there before something happened.”

“Oh, Buffy.” My Watcher sighed. His glasses came off again. I decided that made an even dozen.

“They had a birthday party for me too.”

Xander quirked his lips to the side. “Vampires threw you a birthday party?”

“Drusilla felt bad that she’d be the one at the party you guys were having for me-“

“That was supposed to be a surprise!” Xander cut in. “Only we weren’t very good at that part, I guess. I blame Willow.”

“Me?” she sputtered.

“You’re terrible at keeping secrets!”

“I kept Buffy’s,” she pointed out.

“Guys,” I interrupted. “Oh hey, Willow, check this out. Dalton got me this planner and filled a bunch of the stuff in.” I pulled it out of my bag and handed it to her.

She flipped through. “He’s got very nice handwriting.”

“Right? There’s a bunch of info in there too, like when the full moon…hey, Giles-“

“Yes?” he looked exhausted. Huh. I guess he really was researching all night.

“In the gym last night there was this smell like wet dog. When I asked the guys about it they said it was werewolf, not dog. So we might have a problem in-“ I looked at Willow.

She found the right page in the planner. “Full Moon is on February eleventh. Hey, this thing really is useful!”

Xander groaned. “I guess it’s research time?”

Giles nodded. “Werewolves. They can be very hard to kill. You’re going to need some extra training with the blade, Buffy, beheading is a good strategy.”

“Might want to wait until after sundown for that training.”

He looked at me askance and then his shoulders slumped. “Yes. I guess you’re right.”

“What if it’s a student?” Willow was tugging at the ends of her hair. “I mean, it could be someone we see every day.”

I frowned. “Yeah, beheading some girl I sit next to in third period just because she grows fur under the full moon sounds really wrong. Maybe we can catch it?”

“Council teachings-“ Giles started saying from where he was pulling books off a shelf.

I stood suddenly, my chair tipping over. “Don’t start lecturing me about Council anything!”

“No, I suppose not.” My Watcher sighed. “You’re right, of course. We need to try and catch this thing. Chains, perhaps. I’ll see what I have.”

I straightened my chair and sat back down, satisfied for the moment.

Xander groaned as Giles thunked a big book down in front of him. “Demons and vampires and werewolves, oh my!”

****

I’d nearly forgotten Willow was coming home with me to do the spell with Dalton. The weather was hot and I would have given the sweltering sun the evil eye if wasn’t for the whole blindness thing.

“What was with you being spacy-Buffy all day?” Willow asked.

“Huh?”

“You were totally out of it in class. I think you might have been drooling during math.”

“Huh?”

“Buffy, you were…Oh, you’re teasing me, aren’t you?”

I grinned. “Maybe.”

“Ugh!” She tossed up her hands. “So what gives?”

“Spike’s sleeping in my bed.”

Willow gasped and put a hand over her mouth.

“It’s kind of distracting.” I smiled goofily.

“No kidding! I couldn’t tell.”

“I can’t wait to get home and see him. I can hardly believe he’s really there.” I wanted to surprise him by waking him up with kisses. I grinned some more. “But enough about me. Tell me how things are with Oz.”

Now it was Willow’s turn to get all dreamy looking. “He’s really cool. I can’t believe how well we get along.”

I let her ramble on, only half listening. Because no matter how awesome her boyfriend was, mine was better.

****

Once inside my thankfully air conditioned home I pushed Willow towards the basement. “Dalton’s down there. He’s probably already awake and waiting for you.”

Willow looked at me and sighed. I knew I was as see-through as saran-wrap. “Go on,” she said. “I feel like I’m keeping you from opening your presents on your birthday.” 

I didn’t even stop to say thanks. I’d do it later. Dumping my backpack on the kitchen counter I was up the stairs in record time. Once in my bedroom I clicked the door closed. Spike was somehow still asleep. His jeans were in a heap next to the bed and I grinned at being right. Naked vampire in my bed.

He was on his back with one arm thrown over his face. My lilac colored sheet covered him from neck to ankles, which was a shame, really. His feet stuck out from the bottom edge, relaxed in his slumber. It was tempting to tickle him or maybe bite his toe again, now that he could feel it, but I wanted more.

I stripped quickly, leaving my clothes in a pile on the floor. I’d been thinking about this all day. I wanted to show him I was ready for more. So while my face flushed at being naked I screwed my courage to the sticking place and cautiously leaned my weight onto the bed.

Spike woke up as I straddled his hips.

“Buffy?” His arms looped around me and pulled me flush against him, only the thin lilac sheet between us.

“Missed you,” I said while rubbing my cheek against his. “I couldn’t think about anything beside you the entire day.”

“Mmm, good. That was the idea.” He nibbled along my jaw as his hands roamed over my back. And then lower. He paused before bringing his fingers back to my shoulder and trailed both hands down my back and over my rear end. He stopped with his fingers resting lightly in the backs of each of my thighs. “You’re naked.” He sounded almost scandalized.

I froze. “Uh, sorry?”

His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “I’ve had worse surprises.”

“Willow and Dalton are going to be doing the disinvite spell shortly,” I gasped as he rolled us over. 

Spike began moving, rubbing just right against me. “Bully for them.” I didn’t get to reply because his mouth was on mine. His tongue invaded my mouth and seemed determined to stroke and touch every part of mine. I was concentrating on the dance our hips were doing and was only lazily running my tongue over his. Until he started thrusting it hard between my lips in time with his pelvis.

My brain went silent but my lips knew what to do as they closed tightly around his tongue and began sucking. He moaned and worked himself harder against me.

We rolled again and I was back on top. Everything felt so good, so much better when I was in my own body. I sat up and rubbed how I needed to until my toes curled and the world whited out. Spike moved us so we were lying on our sides. He had one hand on my breasts and the other disappeared under the sheets to do its thing.

“Tell me again,” he panted.

“I love you,” I whispered.

His eyes closed and he groaned. “I love you too.”

We lay there in each other’s arms in silence until there was a knock on the door.

“What?” Spike snapped, irritated.

“Uh.” It was a meek-sounding Dalton. “I’ve been sent to inform you that we have to get in there to do the spell properly, because of the windows, and I brought this.” The door opened a crack and a shirt landed at the foot of the bed.

“Give us a moment,” I called. “Spike?” I ran a finger down his face.

“Mmm.”

“We can’t be doing this.”

He opened his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“This,” I gestured down the length of our bodies. The sheet was still tangled between us.

He rolled on his back with a huff. “Why the hell not?”

“Because we’re sort of dependent on my mom’s goodwill.” He shot me a sour look. Which was justified. I was the one who’d woken him up being all naked and wiggly. Only now I realized I’d been dumb. Mom could have come home early from work and caught us. “We have to be careful. If Mom kicks us out I don’t have anywhere else for us to go. Us being all over each other is going to be a one-way ticket out of here.”

“So no touchy-feely in front of her?” He stretched as he asked, making the sheet slip dangerously low on his belly. Stupid vampire was playing dirty.

“No. That’s a big no.” I was unsuccessful trying to not stare lower than his navel. “We can be good, right?”

“Sure, pet, whatever you say.”

There was another knock on the door. “Just one more minute,” I barked. Geeze, this was difficult enough without interruptions. “It’s just for a while, so we can focus on Angelus and the werewolf problem…and…” I was already missing him being this close.

Spike grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. “As long as it’s just for a while.”

****

_February 1, 1998_

I was stupid. The whole not touching around my mom thing was torture. Especially because my mom seemed to be around a lot more than normal. Like she had a sixth sense I was dying to be alone with Spike. Or maybe it was just regular mom-senses. I had no idea, but I was completely a resident in frustration land. Population two, because Spike was right there with me.

Even when I was in Dru’s body I was seldom alone with him. In typically vampire fashion we were awake most of the night, but Dalton was always there, too. My house just wasn’t that big. After chores and homework we’d watch late night TV and gripe about not being able to do anything and having to live on pig’s blood. The most I was getting was a little cuddling on the couch after Mom was asleep.

 God, why the hell did I ever suggest the whole being good thing, and why the heck had Spike had agreed, except that we really were trying to be nice and respectful since Mom was letting three vampires stay at her house.

I don’t know how Mom didn’t pick up on the fact that we were making eyes at each other behind her back every chance we got. The air was so thick with sexual tension it felt hard to breathe sometimes. It was starting to make me snippy. Spike was getting to be extra snarky, too. After a week we were a pair of prickly porcupines that everyone seemed to unconsciously avoid at all costs.

Dru even wrote me a note, thinking me and Spike were fighting about something. I explained to her that we had zero alone time while I was in my body and that a while ago, back at the factory, we’d drawn some pretty firm do not cross lines when I was in her body.

Her response?

_Don’t blame me when you explode._

Dalton, on the other hand, seemed to be in seventh heaven. After the first few days he had my mom’s schedule down and had dinner waiting on the table when she got home, and he took charge of making sure the house was clean. Spike, with much grumbling, was recruited into helping replumb a bunch of the house. Apparently there were some small problems that would have led to some big ones if left unfixed. By catching it early and having it be a D.I.Y. project Dalton saved us a bunch of money.

I caught my mom checking Dalton out while he was chopping vegetables for a quiche that’d be tomorrow night’s dinner. He was chatting with her about the show NPR was broadcasting I realized I had to let her know.

It was after sundown so I was in Dru’s body and she was out patrolling with Willow and Giles in mine.

“Mom, can we talk for a minute?”

She looked confused for a second. The body switching still hadn’t quite sunk in.  “Yes, sure honey. Hold that thought, Dalton, I’ll be back in just a minute.”

I led her into the living room and then out onto the front porch, closing the door behind us. I didn’t want Dalton to overhear. Mostly in case I managed to insult him somehow. Crossing my arms I leaned against the railing. “Mom, you can’t date Dalton.”

“Oh? And why not? You have a vampire boyfriend.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s not the point.”

She crossed her own arms and tapped her foot. “What is the point then?”

“He’s gay.”

My mom blushed. “God, why are all the good ones either taken or batting for the home team?”

My eyes widened and then I felt like crap. “He’s a good friend, right?”

“I think so.” She was looking at the front steps. “These could use painting.”

“It sucks to be alone.”

She looked up at me. “It does.”

“I want you to find someone, Mom. I want you to fall in love and have him sweep you off your feet. I just also wanted you to know that Dalton wasn’t going to be that guy.”

“Thanks honey. He’s going to make some lucky guy a very good wife someday.”

I cracked up. I couldn’t help it. “Oh my god! Mom!” She was laughing, too. I couldn’t imagine my mom talking to me like this, like I was a friend. It must be because I didn’t look like her daughter. It was actually pretty cool to see her without that wall between us. It made me feel grown up.

Still chuckling I glanced across the street and the smile slipped from my face.

“Go inside, Mom.”

“Honey?”

“Now.” She did, a worried frown on her face. I backed towards the door, keeping my eyes on the figure standing in the shadows just outside the halo of light from a streetlamp. Slowly it took a step forward and the ugly light highlighted Angelus’ demon face. I could feel him there. He wanted me to go to him. My mind was blanking out and all I could see was him. His yellow eyes bored into me and my foot slipped forward. I put my weight on it and he barred his fangs in a merciless smile.

“Buffy?” My mom called from inside the house. Her voice broke whatever spell I was under and I dashed inside the house. I slammed the door behind me and sank trembling to the floor. Spike came running from the basement, cursing when he saw my stricken look.

He kneeled beside and we broke the rules as I leaned against him and sobbed.

****

_Tuesday, February 10, 1998_

Drusilla was vacuuming and I was dusting. She was humming something to herself that I could hear every time she turned off the vacuum to move the cord to a new outlet. It was not quite sundown yet, but we’d been talking in the basement and since she was having a fairly lucid day we’d decided to get a head start on our chores before she went out on patrol.

She stopped the vacuum again and sighed. “It’s the night before the full moon tonight. If your noses were right I could be hunting werewolves tonight. They tend to be attracted to human hormones of the sexy variety. Can you think of anywhere that’d fit the bill?”

I scrunched up my nose. “Well, the Bronze. Or maybe Sunnydale’s version of lover’s lane.” I set down the feather duster and headed for the kitchen. “I can show you where it is on the map.”

Dru followed me. “I really dislike the guy that’s here hunting them. It’s just…wrong. Werewolves are people most of the time.”

“But if they were eating your friends, wouldn’t it make it kind of a tough call?”

Dru pursed her lips. “But what if the werewolf was one of your friends?” she asked.

From the depths of my mind an image surfaced. Oz with fangs under the full moon. It’d been in the same vision as The Judge and the scary world-ending statue. My hand flew to my mouth. How could I have forgotten? “Oz!” I barked. Dru’s brow creased. “It’s Oz. He’s the werewolf. It was in a vision…”

“I’m calling Giles.” Her face was set. “You call Willow.”

I charged up the stairs to my room, extra grateful for my mom letting me have my own phone line. I pushed a groggy Spike to the side and grabbed my phone. Spike’s arm snaked around my waist and he curled around me. I put a clammy hand over his. Willow picked up on the third ring.

“Buffy?”

“Willow! Is Oz there?” Spike shifted behind me, waking up completely at my worried tone.

“No, why?”

“Do you know where he is? Can you get him?”

“Yeah, he’s at home. What’s wrong?”

“I had a vision and I didn’t connect the dots until a moment ago. Oz is the werewolf.” Spike let go of me and I could hear him getting up and shimmying his pants on.

“Oh-Oh.” Willow made a little choking noise. “That actually explains some things. Oh god. Buffy! What do I do?”

“You go get him and take him to…” I thought quickly. There was the book cage in the school Library we’d trapped the Eyghon zombie guy in. That’d work. “Take him to the Library. We’ll meet you there. Don’t let him bite you.” I paused. “He hasn’t already, has he? Like when you guys were kissing?”

“Uh, actually we haven’t got that far yet.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Okay, see you in a few.”

Spike was tucking his t-shirt in as I hung up. My stomach was in knots. “You don’t think she was lying, do you?” I asked, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth.

“About being bit?” I nodded. “No, pet, I don’t think so. Red’s a terrible liar and I hate to remind you, but she’s not you.”

I flushed. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He just smirked and pulled me into a hug. I rested my head against his shoulder. “I just…I’m really worried about her. It wouldn’t even have to be intentional, he could just nibble a little too hard and…”

Spike chuckled. “From what I understand it needs to be a hell of a bite to pass it on, not a nibble, and contrary to what you might believe not everyone thinks biting is foreplay.”

“I think you might be making fun of me,” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“Not exactly. Though if we stand here talking about biting any longer you might not make it to the Library any time soon.”

I ground my teeth together to keep from mouthing him through his shirt. I wanted to, so damn badly. Phooey on anyone that didn’t find biting a massive turn on. I stepped away from him before my willpower completely evaporated. “I’m going. Can you get Dru caught up on the sitch? And Dalton should stay here with my mom.”

He looked heavenward. “You and your attempts at speaking the English language.”

I was nearly out my bedroom door, but paused to toss a smile at him from over my shoulder. “You think I’m adorable, valley girl speak and all.”

Spike sighed. “You better move that adorable arse of yours and go rescue your friends.”

I rolled my eyes. I was ten kinds of worried about Willow and Oz and he still somehow managed to distract me. I headed for the stairs and called back: “Laters!”

****

Knowing Oz was a werewolf and watching him change into one? Totally different things. It looked and sounded like it really hurt and the creature that rushed the cage door afterwards didn’t seem to have one shred of humanity left. If I saw it prowling around outside I wouldn’t hesitate to kill it, never knowing my friend was buried deep inside the monster.

The worst part was knowing Oz had zero control. He hadn’t wanted to be a werewolf and he couldn’t fight the change. The wolf just took over. It made my skin crawl.

Somehow Spike and I had pulled Oz sitting duty. I think everyone else, excepting Dru, felt too weird dragging a pair of vampires along while they tried to figure out if there were more of the creatures running around and terrorizing the good citizens of Sunnydale. So Spike and I were stuck cooling our heels together in the Library. I was attempting to study while Spike was watching Oz pace back and forth in the small space of the book cage.

Eventually my vampire got bored. He shed his coat, rolled his head to pop his neck, and ungracefully flopped down in a chair. Now he was staring at me, which made it hard to study.

“I think that’s what your Watcher sees when he looks at me.” I glanced up at Spike. He was slumped back in his chair with his arms loosely crossed behind his head and his long legs stretched out. Great. Now how was I supposed to focus on The Battle of…wherever?

“What do you mean?’ I asked, tapping the eraser of my pencil against my lower lip.

He jerked his chin towards the pacing werewolf. “I think all Giles sees in any vampire is the monster, a creature with no control.”

“I’ve tried explaining it to him multiple times. And we’re all still undusty so he must at least partially get it. And to be fair, fledglings? No control over the demon at all.”

He sighed. “Most of them, anyway.”

It made me wonder what he’d been like as a new vamp. My demon woke up and I got a few images along with the accompanying feelings of pride and lust. He’d been all fist and fangs in a fight, but at night between the sheets he’d been all poetry and words of devotion. I was suddenly acutely jealous of Dru. Wanting to rip her flipping head off jealous. Yank her lungs out through…

“Buffy?” Spike’s voice was hoarse. “Could you lay off the pencil? Please?” Oh. Damn. I suppressed the demon and removed the end of the pencil from between my lips. During my mental tirade I’d apparently started sucking rather furiously on the end.

“Sorry,” I whispered. I looked at him from under my eyelashes. His eyes were dark and hooded and I could see the result of my pencil sucking.

He took a deep breath and let it out with a little groan. “I thought you White Hats would have at least some idea how to stop the switching by now. It’s all so ruddy confusing and I’m constantly worried I’m going to screw things up royally. Drusilla…we were together for more than a century. I’m a little primed for her, if you know what I mean.” I did, it made sense, not that I had to like it. I growled at him and he smirked. “Only right now I know it’s you sitting there, my girl, my Buffy, and it makes wanting you feel dirty and I am a demon, pet.”

I slowly pushed my chair back from the table. “Yeah. I know. Me too, right now. No soul having Buffy has a really, really hard time remembering why I’m over here and you’re over there.” I had no idea actually, not when I wanted him so damned badly. My hips swayed as I walked around the end of the table. Spikes hands tightened on the arms of his chair as I got closer. I wanted to eat him up. My fangs were threatening to drop as my eyes roamed over him. The black t-shirt he wore was pulled tight across his chest. My claws itched to mark the flesh under it. I wanted to leave long red streaks that would declare ‘Buffy has been here’.

His jeans were tighter than his shirt and didn’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. _Want_ my mind was screaming.

I was way past butterflies. I hiked my skirt up and straddled him on the chair.

Annoyingly, his hands stayed on the armrests. “Buffy-“ I cut him off with a kiss, my lips hard and hungry on his. My hips rolled and with a whimper he gave in. His hands were everywhere, making the flames inside me burn hotter.

When I released his mouth I found words tumbling out of me. “Do you know how jealous of Dru I am? How much I love and hate her?” I peppered his face with kisses as he moaned and writhed under me. “The demon shows me you two together. The blood and the sex.”

Spike‘s hands stilled. “What?”

I looked down at him, my head cocked to the side. “I hate that it wasn’t me. Only I don’t, because you had to be a vampire or I would never have met you. I’m both grateful that she turned you and I want to truss her up with her own guts for having hurt you.”

“I wanted to be a vampire,” he said quietly.

“I know. I can see every detail of that dirty stable, smell the stink of the animals, the salt of your tears.” I licked his cheek and his hands clutched at me. “I can taste you, your human blood in my throat.” He’d tasted good, so damned good.

Spike was taking short, sharp breaths. He turned his head to the side. “Make me yours, Buffy. I want to be yours.” He moaned as my face shifted. I was going to have a set of bruises from where his fingertips were digging into my hips. My tongue darted over his neck and he pushed his pelvis hard against mine.

He was completely at my mercy and I felt like a goddess. I sunk aching fangs deep into his throat and gloried as I pulled his blood into my mouth. The taste was different, demonic, vampiric, but I wanted it just the same. I was lost in it. I think he got off more than once as I drank him down. I took him to the point of weakness, then past it, until he was sagging in the chair and unable to hold his head up.

Only then did I release his throat. I used a claw to open a gash on my own neck, and held his mouth to it.

“Drink,” I ordered as I shook off my demon face.

At first he could barely manage it, but as the blood entered his system the suction on the wound increased. It was my turn to wiggle and mew, my breasts thrust hard against his chest. His hand worked its way under my skirt and it didn’t take much before the fireworks went off behind my eyelids. His own demon came forwards and he bit down into my throat, making the fireworks go off again. By that point I was keening like an idiot. It set off the werewolf, and I giggled as the creature let out a howl of its own.

Eventually I moved so I was laying cradled in Spike’s arms with my legs hanging over one armrest. He was licking languidly at the few drops of blood still leaking from my neck while I lay collapsed against him, boneless and sated. My nose was buried against him and I was enjoying being able to take deep lungfuls of his scent. It was calming and I’d relaxed to the point that I was nearly asleep. I’d gotten so used to being in his arms when I slept that the past few weeks had meant that I’d gotten even less rest than usual. It’d been lonely. Couch cuddles just weren’t cutting it.

My eyelids drifted shut, only to snap open as the werewolf let out a series of sharp barks just before the Library doors burst open. A human man, sweaty and out of breath, rushed in. He raised his rifle, pointing it towards the cage. Here I was, having the best time I’d had in weeks, and this stupid human hunter was interrupting? His eyes would look lovely mounted on the tip of my pencil.

“What are you planning on doing with that little pea-shooter?” Spike asked.

The man started and glanced over to where we were sitting. I guess he hadn’t seen us when he first entered. He did a double take. Spike was still vamped out, my blood smeared on his lips and chin. I was having trouble remembering the man with the gun. I was still all lusty, apparently, and my vampire doing his big bad routine was making me want to maul him. I’d lick the blood off and then lick everything else…

“Let her go!” The hunter’s voice was high pitched and his heart was pounding. His fear was intoxicating.

Spike looked down and cocked an eyebrow at me. “Should I let you go, luv?”

I stretched like a cat, arcing my back. “Never.”

He bent his mouth to my ear and spoke too low for the human to hear. “I’ll get between him and the door, you stay between him and the wolf. Got it?” I hummed my agreement.

Exploding into action, Spike tossed me so I landed on my toes in front of the book cage. The human watched me land but shrank back when I looked up at him with yellow eyes. He turned to flee, only to find Spike behind him. I was hungry. I took a step towards the hunter. He was a bad guy, surely draining bad guys didn’t count.

I took another step. Me and Spike could share him, drain him quickly and get back to the smooching.  Then when everyone got back we could show them we’d done our job and theirs too. I bared my fangs in a macabre grin. The man shook and I giggled. Spike was silently moving up behind the man. He grabbed the hunter’s shoulder and spun him around as I quickly closed the distance between us. The guy was tall and Spike was forcing him to bend his knees so I’d easily be able to reach his throat.

The Library doors clattered open again.

“Spike! Buffy! You got him!” Dru’s voice rang out and both me and Spike jumped back from the hunter, our human masks slipping back into place. The other Scoobies were tumbling in behind her. Dru had a shrewd look on her face and I instantly felt like she knew what we’d been up to and… what I’d been about to do.

Oh god.

My eyes got huge and Dru came over to put a very warm arm around me. Spike was staring at the floor. She gave me a squeeze. “It’s okay, nothing happened.”

Then she walked over to confront the hunter and give him a piece of her mind. Nothing happened. No, it hadn’t, but it almost had.

“What happened to you two?” Xander was glancing back and forth between me and Spike. He still had blood on his face and glancing down I noticed I had it streaked on my chest. Way to look inconspicuous. Giles was frowning.

“Nothing,” Spike mumbled, ineffectively swiping at his chin.

Xander groaned. “We leave you two alone for two seconds…”

Spike growled.

“Xander, just stop,” I pleaded. My head was all kinds of muddied. I needed to go home. What me and Spike had done before the hunter had gotten there, it’d been more than just having a bit of fun. Something profound had happened. Something that was just between me and him. Willow, Xander, Giles, even Dru, I felt naked and like I couldn’t stand their eyes on me. I didn’t want their speculation or judgment.

“I’ll see you guys at home,” I blurted and fled.

“Buffy, wait!” I heard Spike calling behind me but I didn’t stop. I just didn’t have it in me to play nice with my friends right then. I needed to be free. The werewolf’s frustrated howl followed me out into the night.

****

I ended up in a graveyard. Because, hey, vampire. I sat with my back against one of the headstones and did my best not to think. I didn’t think about the fact that I nearly killed a human. I didn’t think about how I was head over heels in love with a soulless demon. I most certainly didn’t think about the fact that I associated biting and blood drinking with sex on some fundamental level I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to shake.

I didn’t think about the wedge I was driving between myself and my friends, or the Grand Canyon sized gap that was forming between my mom and I. I’d learned to lie this year, to everyone, including myself, but I couldn’t lie that if healing my relationships meant losing Spike. I wouldn’t be able to do it.

We could get into his car tomorrow night and head away from Sunnydale. Maybe if we drove fast enough and far enough the spell wouldn’t work and I could stay in Dru’s body. We could have a grand time, like him and her used to. Eat cotton candy and teeny-bopper girls at a county fair. I could forget my humanity.

My head dropped forward into my hands as the tears came.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Buffy the Slayer had gone ‘poof’ without me even noticing.

I don’t know how long I sat there, crying silently on and off, but it couldn’t have been all that long before Spike found me. I felt him before I saw him. To my surprise he wasn’t alone.

He walked in front of me and tossed a terrified minion at my feet. I recognized him from the factory, though I couldn’t remember his name.

“Tell her what you told me,” Spike snarled.

The minion’s yellow eyes rolled wildly.

Calmly I wiped my eyes and rose up on my knees.

Spike slapped the minion on the back of his head. “Tell her.”

“I…I…” the minion stuttered. I was almost certain his name was Buckley.

Spike raised his hand again but I shook my head. “I’ve got this.”

I caught Buckley’s eye and leaned forward a fraction, pulling his mind towards mine. The power surged down my arm and I raised my hand and sinuously wove back and forth.

“What do you know?” I whispered.

The minion didn’t speak but I saw it. The boxes containing the parts to The Judge neatly laid out on the table at the factory. I had a moment of homesickness that I pushed aside. Angelus was there, grinning like a madman.

There was one piece missing, the right foot, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I let my hand fall away from the minion.

“What do we do?” I asked Spike.

He shrugged. “That’s a question for your Watcher. I’ll help, if I can.” He offered me his hand and helped me to my feet. Buckley remained kneeling on the ground. To my surprise Spike removed a stake from his coat pocket and pressed it into my hands. He closed his finger around mine. “As to what you do?” His voice was almost sad. “You be the Slayer.”

He stepped back while I stared at the stake in shock. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d dusted a vampire. Not that I’d forgotten how. My lips curled up into a wicked smile. I spun and drove the stake home and Buckley was nothing more than so much dust that the night breeze carried off.

Spike held his hand out to me. “C’mon, luv, let’s go home.”


	25. Shattered

Be everything that you need

                -Savage Garden, “Truly, Madly, Deeply”

****

_Friday, February 13, 1998_

Xander was the man with the plan. He’d come up with it while we were werewolf sitting two nights ago. After the first night Spike and I weren’t allowed to do it alone. Not that anyone said as much, but suddenly we always had at least a third wheel.

Spike was there as muscle, which turned out to be a good thing. When the wolf was at its peak on the night of the actual full moon it tried to make a break for it and Spike only barely managed to stop it from tearing the cage’s door off its hinges. Spike, vamped out and going toe to toe with the wolf, muscles straining as he fought to keep the door in place while Xander threaded steel cables around the jamb to prevent Oz’s escape, made me feel like a little girl in a candy shop.

It occurred to me later that I could have helped instead of bouncing on my toes, clapping my hands and giggling. In gameface. I don’t think Spike minded, though. Probably because he could tell exactly how much I’d enjoyed the show. The googly eyes he was making at me were extra googly after that. If I’d been in my regular body I would have been blushing up a storm.

I think we terrified Giles, however. He was already stressed from dealing with an American werewolf in Sunnydale and us going all fang face was a bit much for him. He was probably trying to be sneaky, but when Giles disappeared into his office I could smell the whiskey he poured for himself. I really couldn’t blame him.

Towards morning of that same night I was resting with my head snuggled against Spike’s shoulder. Dru and Willow were flat out asleep and Xander was snoring. Even the wolf was curled up on the floor of the cage. Spike was reading something and the regular tick of the pages as he turned them was comforting.

Nearly asleep, the vision caught me unawares. I screamed as the pain lanced through my head.

****

_The mall with The Judge again, paper hearts that they’d never actually use to decorate there were plastered everywhere and hung from the ceiling. The creature’s blue head was bumping into them. The scene warped and shifted and I was standing in the school, watching Xander clutch a candle. Everything was lit green and his face was contorted and scary in the half light. Cordelia was standing right behind him. He was chanting on and on as the room filled up with all the girls from the school. They stood and watched him silently, faces and eyes blank. I was in my regular body and only wearing my new black raincoat. To my horror I was suddenly in the Library, only it was just me and Xander, and I was coming onto him. Ewww._

****

I came back to myself wrapped up in Spike’s arms. He was rocking me and cooing nonsense into my hair. When I felt like I could stand I did so, slowly pushing myself upright while Spike’s hands stayed on my waist to steady me.

“Buffy?” a bleary-eyed Giles asked. Taking a deep breath, I walked over to Xander and grabbed his hair. I bent down right in his face and let my demon face emerge. My friend squirmed and I could hear his heart racing. He was afraid. Good.

“I know I haven’t been all that close to you lately so I really don’t get the whole Cordelia thing, and I don’t know what she has done or will do to you, but whatever happens do not try to use magic as a means to fix it.” I brought my mouth close to his ear and snapped my fangs together for emphasis. Letting go of Xander I shook off the demon and sat down next to Spike again.

Xander looked at my vampire with his eyebrows raised. “Just do what she says,” Spike said in a bored tone. He’d gone back to reading his book. “I find that’s usually the best choice.” Xander chuckled and it broke the tension in the room.

“Was there anything else?” Drusilla asked, knowing eyes on me. My face, with an expression so not my own on it, was disturbing. I had to look away.

I slumped down in my seat and sighed. “Just The Judge at the Mall. We really need a plan of attack.” I paused. “Oh,” I breathed. “This Saturday, Valentine’s Day, it’s going to happen then.”

“Are you sure?” Willow asked. She was gripping the arms of her chair nearly hard enough to leave dents. I nodded. “What are we going to do? All these books agree that no weapon forged can kill him and it took an entire army to stop him and pull him apart the last time.”

Spike cocked his head. “Exactly how long ago was that?”

“Oh!” Xander yelped, his eyes wide in surprise. “Whoa! I think I’m having a thought!” The thought turned out to be a surprisingly good plan.  

Which was how I found myself walking into a military base two nights later on Xander’s arm.  Cordy would have been the more obvious choice but with her and Xander on the outs I’d volunteered to be his cover. Spike had a fit about it, of course. Talking him down had been a blast. I’d finally convinced him to stay at my house to guard my mom along with the fact I was the best choice to go since I could thrall someone if they didn’t buy our cover.

Spike had started pacing before Xander, Willow, Oz and I had even left, and I figured he wouldn’t stop until we got back. My mom would really bitch if he wore a hole in the carpet.

I was wearing the sluttiest outfit I could put together on short notice: a silver miniskirt and pink sleeveless top I’d found among Dru’s things. It had a plunging neckline that hopefully would be a distraction.

As we snuck onto the base I saw that the shirt was working like a charm, on Xander. “Stop it!” I snapped, pushing at his shoulder. Now was so not the time for him to be ogling me. Was it me? I guess he was ogling Drusilla? Not that we had time for that either.

“Sorry,” he whispered. We walked a couple of more steps. “Is it weird?” he asked.

“Is what weird?”

“Changing back and forth.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, of course it’s weird. And majorly confusing for me, Dru, and everyone else.” I felt like crying, but I had to keep the tears in to avoid ruining my mascara. “I thought as soon as Giles knew about it that he’d be able to fix it.” I took a deep breath. “Sometimes I don’t even know who Buffy is anymore.”

Xander shrugged. “I figure you’re who you’ve always been: a good person.”

I was saved from having to say anything by the appearance of a guard. Sticking one hip out to the side and crossing my arms under my breasts I pretended to be bored with the whole situation. I was actually impressed with Xander’s ability to talk us not only out of getting in trouble, but he bought us time inside the armory as well.

Once the door closed behind us I give him a quick and very awkward hug. “That was amazing. How’d you know all that stuff?”

“Remember when I was a soldier on Halloween?”

“Oh right, but I wasn’t there for the exciting parts.” I looked behind me just in time to see him staring at my ass. Boys. I didn’t even call him on it. Dru’s body, I reminded myself. It’s not like I hadn’t caught Spike doing the same thing when we were switched. It just wasn’t worth getting angry over, especially when it wasn’t something he could control. It’s not like there was an off button on the attraction because my mind was in a different body.

Y’know, I was really starting to get tired of the whole thing.

“Ah, right. What did you do while I was busy being filled with the knowledge of things like the layout of this base and how to assemble a M-16 in 57 seconds?”

“I ate a raccoon.”

He made a face.

“That’s the right response.”

Xander moved around, checking the labels on boxes. “So what’s it like…” he trailed off as he bent down to peer closer at a crate. I figured he’d want to know about the demon and bloodlust, but he surprised me. “What’s it like having a vampire for a boyfriend?”

“Intense.” I leaned against a stack of boxes. “The blood drinking and only being out at night are easy things to adapt to. The room temperature thing is kind of weird. His hands are so cold I’m always getting goosebumps when he touches me. Spike’s also kind of possessive, which sounds creepier than it is. It’s the demon.” I tapped my head so Xander would remember I had a demon as well when I was in Dru’s body. “There’s a whole set of instincts and emotions that come along with it and one of them is to hang onto what it yours. My…” I shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, Dru’s demon has learned that you’re all family. It’s protective of all of you.”

Xander stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me with a frown on his face. “What about Angelus?”

“What about him?”

“He’s been around us a lot more than Spike or Dru, why aren’t we family to him? Spike doesn’t have a soul and he loves you so much it’s kind of sickening, so why is Angelus so different from Angel?”

“I don’t know. I think maybe it has something to do with the person he was before he was turned. Also, demons aren’t uniform. I think Spike’s wants to be loved just as badly as the man does.”

Xander made a face. “I think that’s enough thinking about Spike and loving for me. Oh! Here we go!” He proudly opened the box to show me the rocket launcher inside.

“Perfect!” The Judge would never know what hit him.

We managed to get the box through a window of the armory, even though Oz and Willow didn’t get out of the van to help us. Xander slid open the side door of the vehicle and they flung themselves apart. I grinned. It was good to see someone else get a little lip lock time.

Back at the house my mom was a little upset when we dumped a stolen rocket launcher on the coffee table. “It’s to save the world,” I told her with a shrug.

“Okay, but I really don’t like you stealing.” She stared at the crate. “You do remember that I’m going into work tomorrow?”

“Um.” I didn’t, maybe she’d told Dru and not me.

“Just try to not break any more laws while I’m gone, alright honey?”

I nodded. My gaze narrowed as I caught Spike grinning like crazy behind her. What was he up to?

There was another flurry of activity as Giles and Dru came in wearing grim looks.

“I need to call Jenny,” Dru said, taking off upstairs while my Watcher explained about Angelus having killed the head of Ms. Calendar’s gypsy clan. I still hadn’t entirely wrapped my head around her even being a gypsy, or that she’d known about Angel’s curse. Drusilla had instantly forgiven her, of course, and that had made it easier for everyone else to as well. Also in the hierarchy of recently revealed secrets, hers wasn’t really so bad.

Dru, her face streaked with tears, eventually rejoined us and we finalized our plans for tomorrow night while Mom flittered about and kept us plied with snacks and drinks. With us facing both The Judge and Angelus, worry started to creep in. I couldn’t help wondering if this time tomorrow we’d still all be here to munch on popcorn and sip hot chocolate.

Later, after my mom retired for the night and Giles left to go home, I caught Spike whispering to Dalton and Dru. They immediately stopped as I stood there, hands on hips. “What’s up?”

“It’s a surprise,” Spike hedged, looking almost bashful.

“I don’t like surprises.”

Dalton sighed. “Your annoying boyfriend is trying to finagle having the day alone with you tomorrow.”

I blinked. Valentine’s Day? Alone with Spike? Uh, yes please. I felt my whole face light up. “Really?”

Spike ran a hand through his hair and leaned casually against the wall, trying to play cool. “I thought it’d be nice,” he purred.

Nice? More like super freaking awesome! He was looking at me from under his lashes and I grinned. I got it. No more virgin scale for me. “Where can you guys stay?” I asked, suddenly remembering Dru and Dalton were standing right there.

“That’s the sixty-four thousand dollar question,” Spike sighed.

Xander actually ended up volunteering his basement. Dalton and I walked there just a little before dawn. Dru had gone to bed a few hours earlier with a comment about me needing my rest and a lot of winking. I’d have been more embarrassed about all my friends knowing what I was going to be doing on Valentine’s Day if I hadn’t been so thrilled. I was nearly giddy with anticipation. Oz left with Willow at the same time we had and I wondered if they had any fun planned for that night or tomorrow. There was going to need to be some girl time on Monday. Provided we all survived. I sighed.

Xander asked me a lot of questions about Dru. Mostly I warned him about her mind being extra off and that under no circumstances were her shackles to be removed until it was almost nightfall. 

As I tried to fall asleep, chained, surrounded by a whole smorgasbord of unfamiliar smells, and worrying about what was going to happen, I found resting was impossible. Between…hanging out…with my boyfriend and going to stop a potential apocalypse, tomorrow was just too darned exciting.

****

_Saturday, February 14, 1998_

The morning didn’t find me any calmer. My insides were tripping over themselves. It felt like the butterflies were running a relay race and I simply had no idea what to do with my hands. I’d changed my outfit three…okay, five times and it still didn’t feel right. My black coat was hanging behind my door on a peg. I eyed it. In my vision I’d been wearing it and nothing else. Of course it’d been to seduce Xander, which still left me feeling slightly icky. I’d kept that part to myself since Spike might have made him into a little more than a grease spot on the floor if I’d said anything.

The coat called to me. Before I could second guess myself I stripped off everything, even my underwear and wrapped the faux leather around me. I felt a little silly. If I’d misread the whole situation and Spike wanted to have a romantic meal after which we earnestly talked about our feelings and future in hushed tones the outfit was going to be kind of ridiculous. I snorted. Yup, that’d be the day. Actually I was kind of hoping he’d think he’d have to work for it, like it was prom night where the guys thought if they bought the girls a nice wrist corsage and arrived in a limo they might get some. I could play coy and hard to get.

I looked down at myself. Nah. I was way too impatient.

After what felt like way too long Spike knocked at my bedroom door. He looked…nervous. He was wearing the usual black on black, with his red button-down shirt over it. His hair wasn’t as tightly slicked back as usual and he was barefoot. “Um,” he said as I stood up. I had a pair of black stilettos on and I watched as his eyes caught on them, then followed my legs up until they disappeared beneath the coat. His hand came up to rub the back of his neck. “Uh…” I batted my eyelashes at him.

“Are we really just going to stand here?” I finally asked when he continued to stare.

“Right. Yes...I mean no.” He offered me his elbow. I liked it when he did that, it made me feel like more than just a girl. A lady. “May I have to honor of escorting you to a late breakfast?”

“You may.” I wrapped a hand around his arm and smiled up at him. He still looked stunned. It made him seem extra human. That’d be okay, for a while, but I wanted my vampire to show up and play at some point.

Spike led me to the top of the stairs. With a boyish grin he picked me up and carried me down, through the living room and kitchen, and into the basement. Gently he set me on my feet and I gasped. The basement had been transformed. There were candles everywhere and some of our white Christmas lights had been hauled out of their storage boxes and strung up. It was magical. There was an area rug with a pile of pillows and blankets on it that looked inviting.

Leaving me standing there gaping, Spike pulled out a bottle of champagne that’d been hidden and two flutes. He popped the cork and poured. The glass was cool under my fingers. “To us,” he said, clinking our glasses together.

“Us,” I echoed. Spike sipped his, but in my nervousness I chugged mine. I think it had a taste. I wanted to get things going. It’s not like I was dumb. Spike hadn’t done all this just to make me feel special, though I did, or to tell me he loved me, because I already knew that. Or simply to feed me breakfast…

Oh, hey! Chocolate covered strawberries!

I nabbed one and ducked under Spike’s arm as he reached for me. White chocolate. How very subtle of him.

No guy went through all this if he wasn’t expecting to get laid. It was extra unsubtle because he’d been talking up about he wanted to make the first time special for me. Like it being him wasn’t special enough.

Grinning at my slightly perturbed boyfriend I slipped my lips around the strawberry and basically sucked it off the stem.

Spike’s eyes glazed over a little. Score! “I was going to feed you those.” He was pouting a little and it was adorable. Well, adorable in a sexy way that made me want to tackle him.

“I know,” I said around a mouthful of strawberry. “These are really good by the way.” I swallowed as Spike continued to watch me. “I just don’t feel much like the whole seduction thing right now.”

His shoulders slumped. I was being mean, but hopefully he’d forgive me.  His fingers fidgeted with the hem of his red shirt and he sighed. “Guess we can just watch something on the telly if you like.” His eyes slid away from me and his whole body radiated defeat.

“Spike!” I almost yelled. I hadn’t expected him not to push, even a little. Only, geeze, after the whole Angel thing I guess he really wouldn’t. His gaze was back on me and I had nervous butterflies along with the hot and bothered ones again. “I just meant we could do that later. I’m kind of greedy and just want…the other part first.” I knew I was blushing as I grabbed the sash to the coat and tugged it open. The material fell from my shoulders and I was standing there naked in front of him.

Spike just stared. He took a breath. Opened his mouth, closed it, and took another breath. I’d apparently rendered my boyfriend speechless. I was still red in the face but I fought the urge to cover myself. I wanted him. Well, not just in general. I could admit it to myself: I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend.

Spike finally found his voice. “Tell me again.” He stripped his shirts off.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” His pants were off in record time and I abruptly found myself flat on my back among the pile of pillows with a very naked and amorous Spike with most of his weight on top of me. My Slayer senses went haywire from being pinned by a powerful vampire that had his mouth on my neck. That thrill of danger and the need to suppress the instinct to toss him into the nearest wall made everything that much more exciting. I was panting and trying to touch all of him. His lips were everywhere.

The need was overwhelming and I cringed a little at how breathless and girly my voice sounded. “Please, Spike. Please. Please!” I knew what I was begging for.

And it was good. Really, really good. I had only a second of sadness to think about the fact there was no pain before Spike made sure I wasn’t thinking about anything but him. There were stars, fireworks, and I think maybe I touched heaven at one point when he slipped his fangs into my throat.

Afterwards Spike was lying on his back with me curled up against his side. He ran a finger over my cheek. “Sorry,” he said, his eyes finding mine.

“Sorry?” I echoed back. Why was he sorry? I still couldn’t think straight and I was sure it was going to be a little while before I was going to be able to walk, but shouldn’t he be happy about that? I knew I was.

“I meant it to be romantic.” His eyelids sank down.

“Romantic?” I was starting to do an imitation of Lorenzo. There’d been pretty lights and champagne. What else had he been planning to do? Read me poetry? I looked around and my dazed eyes fell on a book lying next to the strawberries. There were pages marked.

Oh.

I couldn’t help it. I giggled. Spike’s eyes snapped back open. “What?” he said, annoyed.

“You’re going to kill me on Saturday!” I hid my face against his chest as I laughed.

After a second he started chuckling as well. “Infuriating chit. Never can be patient when it comes to you.” His arm wrapped around me and pulled me on top of him. “Did I mess up your doilies?” he asked hopefully.

“Yeah, think you did.” I kissed him deeply while reaching over and grabbing the poetry book. I sat up and laid the book on his chest while I wiggled back a bit. “Will you read me one?” I asked, trying to sound innocent.

“Sure.” He opened the book but paused to eye me over the top of it. “What are you going to do?”

I moved my hips up and then dropped them, so we were joined again. “I’m going to do what I always do: make things difficult for you.” He groaned. “Now read.” I tapped the book.  His eyes dropped to the words and I felt a tiny bit less self-conscious about what I was doing. There was a learning curve to how to move just right.

“ _Light, so low upon earth...You send...a…a…_ Bloody hell, Buffy!”

****

Spike and I spent the entire day wrapped around each other. I was going to be pleasantly sore for a while and I smiled at the thought. At least I did until I remembered that I’d shortly be switching into Dru’s body. With a frown, I shook a napping Spike awake and told him I needed to take a shower. After convincing him I didn’t need company and reminding him that my mom would be home soon, I went to the kitchen. I found a bottle of Tylenol and downed a couple before taking a long and very hot shower. I willed my Slayer healing to kick in as I brushed my teeth for a lot longer than normal. The idea of Dru waking up in my body and enjoying the afterglow of how Spike had made me feel left me wanting to hurl.

The fact that she knew just how that felt as well as the idea that he’d made her feel like this probably countless times over the years had me both seething with anger and ready to dissolve into a puddle of sorrow. I poked at the new puncture wounds in my neck before tying a scarf around my throat to cover them. Hopefully I looked stylish and not like I was hiding something.

I was in my room, getting dressed in very boring clothes and listening to Lorenzo practice his ‘Bloody Hells’, when nightfall arrived. I stumbled as I suddenly found myself walking up the steps of Xander’s basement.

“Buffy?” Dalton asked, putting a hand on my back to steady me.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“How did today go?”

“It was nice, Dalton. Thank you.” I sighed.

Dalton put his arm around me as we left the house and its perpetual booze and cat pee stink behind. “So if it was so nice, why do you look like someone stepped on your puppy? I was expecting a lot of annoying gushing.”

 Xander was walking in front of us. He turned to look over his shoulder at me.

I couldn’t quite contain my smile. “Yeah, okay. I had a really good day, the kind you remember every detail of forever.”

“I told him you’d like the poetry.” Dalton winked at me.

My hand covered my mouth as I tried to keep the giggles from escaping. “I totally liked the poetry.” Xander looked heavenward.

“So why the long face?” Dalton asked again softly while he gave my shoulders a squeeze.

“I was just…thinking, right before I switched.”

“Ah!” Xander exclaimed, throwing both hands up. “I highly recommend not doing that.”

“That seems to have worked for you so far,” I teased.

“Exactly. And I promise you, whatever girly drama is circling around in that brain of yours, I know Spike is not thinking the same thing.”

“Amen to that.” Dalton chuckled.

I groaned inwardly at the apparently united male front. “And what is he thinking, Xander?” I groused.

“Probably-” Xander turned around so he was walking backwards while he gave a fist pump. “Yay!”

I groaned and covered my face with my hands. Where was Willow when I really needed her?

****

After meeting up with everyone at my house we armed ourselves for the fight ahead. I thought Giles would leave Spike and me with just our fangs, but my Watcher roughly slapped a mean looking knife into Spike’s palm and gave him a warning about not making him regret it.

I got a crossbow and was nearly beside myself with excitement. It felt right to be on the hunt.

When we got to the mall, Oz pulled his van up to a side entrance and Spike easily broke the lock on the door.  We entered: grim, silent, and determined.  Drusilla led with Giles and Xander following with the crate on their shoulders. The rest of us trailed after, Spike bringing up the rear.

I was having trouble keeping control of my fangs with so many beating hearts surrounding us coupled with the promise of violence. I glanced back at Spike and he grinned as gold swirled in his eyes. Oh yeah, he was having fun, too. I rubbed my hands together in glee.

Part of me realized I was not acting quite human, but at the moment I wasn’t human, so what was the harm?

We arrived just in time to see Angelus, his minions, and The Judge taking over the main floor of the mall. A man’s ashes were disappearing into nothingness. Dru went for the high ground and I climbed onto a counter top and aimed my bow.

The Judge let his power loose and I gawked. It was like lightening dancing from person to person. I raised my crossbow and fired.

The bolt thudded into his chest and the light disappeared with the people affected still alive.

“Who dares?” The creature’s voice boomed loudly over the panicked sounds of the crowd as they rushed to get away. “No weapon forged can stop me.”

“Because I’m big, blue and dressed to party because like it’s 1099,” Spike said in a falsetto. I tried not to laugh as I stepped off the counter and let him catch me.   “Do you think he misses Smurf village?” Spike whispered into my ear. I caught sight of Angelus scowling at us and I elbowed Spike to get him to stop.

We ducked down behind the counter and I took Spike’s hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. “I just want you to know I had a really good time today. Thank you. You made me feel like the most treasured girl in the word.”

“I’m glad.” He kissed my brow softly. “I feel like the luckiest bloke to ever have existed.”

Dru’s voice was chilling as she addressed The Judge. “That was then.” She accepted the rocket launcher from Xander and leveled it towards the monster. “This is now.” The remaining mall patrons rushed around like idiots as they tried to scramble out of the way. The Judge was so behind the times that he never moved as she fired. The rocket hissed and crossed the space in less than a second. I saw Angelus jump to safety as the explosion hit. Pieces of The Judge rained down around us.

Dru ordered us to gather the parts that were still identifiable as The Judge, but her eyes were on Angelus. “Protect them,” I yelled to Spike as I hurried after a now running Dru.  The sprinkler system turned on and I growled. The fat water droplets were making it hard to see.

I caught up to Dru in the lobby of the theater just in time to see Angelus knock her to the ground. He was taunting her about having pretended to love her. Dru looked stricken but resolved as she stood back up.

Angelus’ tirade trailed off as his nose twitched. Damn it! He could smell Spike on my body. I’d showered and changed, but after the day we’d spent Spike was too deeply physically intertwined with me for a little bathing to get his scent completely gone.

“Well, well, did you get a taste for cold men and need a fix?” Angelus’ smile didn’t reach his eyes.

Dru bristled with indignation. “That’s none of your business!”

“What’s the cute little scarf for? Did the boy take a poke and then convince you to let him take a taste? He’s got stones, I have to give him that.” Angelus’ face was a mask of hate. “Does Drusilla know?”

“Why don’t you ask me yourself?” I drawled. Angelus twisted his head towards me and his face instantly softened. “Dru!” He held his hand out. “Won’t you come and play with daddy? I’ve missed you my Childe.” I nearly gagged as he tried to force me to comply through the Sire bond. I was able to resist, but I knew deep down that if Spike and I hadn’t strengthened our blood connection a couple of nights ago in the Library that I might not have had such an easy time of it.

I ignored Angelus’ hand and giggled instead. “Of course I know what the Slayer and Spike are up. I was there after all.”

Dru laughed as well, shaking her head over my half-truths. 

Angelus’ eyes darted back and forth between us. “Why Buffy, if I had known you were that kinky I might have stuck around a while longer.”

I snorted and walked slowly towards him. “You couldn’t handle us. The Slayer’s lucky you left, it turns out she needed a real monster in the sack.”

Angelus snarled and tried to punch me. I ducked and Dru landed a hard jab to his face. For several minutes we fought. Well, Dru did and I tried to assist her. The body I was in was not nearly fast, flexible, or strong enough to be a huge help, but I could be a distraction.

Dru and I worked well together. Eventually we got Angelus backed into a corner. I spat blood at him. He’d landed a lucky punch to my mouth earlier and my lip was split. “You’re nothing, Angelus,” I sneered at him.

“Says the vampire who’d rather shack up with the Slayer than be a true demon,” he spat back.

“Oh, you wound me!” I dramatically clutched at my breast.

Drusilla blindsided him with a kick that had her full strength behind it. Her hand tightened around a stake but as I watched she faltered. The stake wavered in her grasp.

“You can’t do it.” Angel stood up with a sickening grin on his face. “And don’t expect your little boy toy to protect you. I’ve known Spike far longer than you. He can be an impatient ass, but he knows how to play the game. He’s using you to take me out then he’ll drain you dry and dance on your grave. He’s been with Dru for more than a century. A little blonde whore that’s a lousy lay isn’t going to change that.”

My jaw dropped. Angelus was a lying liar…who lied. The liar. I kicked him as hard as I could right in the nuts. He grunted and doubled over in pain.

“Give me time!” Drusilla called over her shoulder as I grabbed her arm and led her away.

“You didn’t dust the wanker,” Spike stated as we rejoined the group. Of course he would have been able to tell. Family line. I sighed and shook my head.

 It was a somber group that returned to my house. The Judge was gone but Angelus was still out there.

Dru had cried on and off and I was unable to comfort her. I was feeling off myself. I didn’t believe Angelus, did I? That Spike was just playing the long-con?

None of us were able to sleep. We all ended up milling between the kitchen and the living room where infomercials with the sound off were playing. I watched the one for that cleaner stuff twice. Maybe it could get the demon blood out of my favorite pair of shorts?

Giles finally pulled Dru aside to talk to her. With my vampire hearing I couldn’t help eavesdropping.  He told her that we didn’t blame her for not being able to easily kill a man that had been her creator, in more way than one, who was essentially her father and lover. Dru had sobbed piteously on his shoulder.

I’d found her staring into the mirror in the bathroom later. “You doing okay?” I asked.

“No.” She sighed and rested her hand over her refection. “Every evil thing he does from the moment I didn’t strike is now my fault.”

“Dru, no!” I gasped. “You’re not…”

“I am. Next time he doesn’t walk away.”

I nodded and turned to leave.

“You didn’t believe him?” she whispered behind me. “Did you?”

“I don’t think so,” I said while staring at the floor. I walked away quickly before she could say anything else.

Dawn had just crested and I was back in my own body. I was wearing my favorite pajamas and sitting on the kitchen island, watching Spike smoke a cigarette as he stood in the shadows on the back porch.

I loved him so much it was nearly a tangible thing. My heart ached with it. I knew I was being a silly teenage girl and that Spike was my first love. I wanted him to be my only. I couldn’t believe that what I was feeling was some kind of puppy love that’d fade in a month. It was a conflagration that would still burn long after I found my final resting place.

Spike stubbed out the butt of his cigarette in a sand-filled flower pot my mom had put there after she caught him doing it in one of her actual planters. He came and stood between my knees and cupped my face tenderly in his hands. I wound my arms around his waist.

He kissed my lips and I could taste blood, smoke, and him. With a sigh I settled my head against his chest, my ear over his unbeating heart.

There was no way Angelus had been telling the truth. This was real.

Our peace was shattered as the house filled with my mother’s terrified scream.


	26. Heartfelt

And I'll burn this lonely house down

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Stay With You”

****

_Sunday, February 15, 1998_

A second scream echoed through the house as Dalton, Spike and I converged on the open front door. My mom was on her knees with a hand over her mouth. Spike nearly took the door off its hinges as he yanked it wide open. He was in full gameface and growling loudly. Dalton had vamped out too, though he’d dropped to crouch next to my mom. I had my fists raised, ready to take on anything. Only there was nothing there but the sun sparkling off the early morning dew.

With a shaking hand, Mom pointed and our eyes followed her finger to the spot she was indicating on the doormat.

There was a heart.

A human heart. Not that I had a lot of experience, but some things you don’t need to be told. It also didn’t take a genius to figure out who’d left it sitting there. I looked over at Spike just in time to see him draw his leg back. I barely had time to move in front of him while frantically shaking my head. I understood his desire to get the thing away from my mom, but treating a human organ like a soccer ball wasn’t going to make things less traumatic for her.

“Who would do such a thing?” she whispered. She turned to look around at us and frowned. “Boys: faces.” She gestured to her own. To my surprise both Spike and Dalton’s human masks dropped back into place.

“Angelus,” Spike said blandly. “That’s who’d leave such a sodding lovely Valentine’s Day gift.”

My mom blanched.

“There’s a note.” Dalton gingerly reached out and picked up the folded piece of off-white paper. He opened it and scanned the lines.

“What’s it say?” I asked impatiently.

Dalton hesitated. “I’m not sure you need to hear this, Joyce.”

“Read it.” Mom’s voice was flat.

“Uh, okay. It, um, says: ‘Dear Drusilla, I found this for you in a quaint little shop girl. She was just your type: blonde and compact. Give the boy a kiss for me. Happy Valentine’s Day. Love, Daddy.’ Uh…that’s it.”

We were all silent for a minute.

“He killed someone and left their heart on our porch.” My mom was staring at the lump of flesh. “I don’t know what to do.” She collapsed against Dalton. “I just wanted to get the paper.”

My insides lurched. I was the one that knew what to do. This was my show. I sighed and swept a hand through my hair. “Dalton, take my mom to the kitchen and get some coffee and breakfast in her. Spike, bring me yesterday’s paper. I’m going to wrap up this thing and give it and the note to Giles.”

“You going to take it to him?” My vampire crossed his leather clad arms.

I yawned. “No, he can come and get it. I’m nearly dead on my feet.”

Spike nodded, satisfied. We wrapped the heart in yesterday’s sports pages and left it right inside the door along with Angelus’ note. I felt a little wrong for just being matter of fact about finding a girl’s heart on my doorstep. I didn’t gag when I wrapped the paper around it, or feel funny holding it in my hands. Some innocent girl had died because she looked like me. I was spitting mad, but it wasn’t my fault.

Spike had gone down to the basement to inform Drusilla about what had happened since she was chained to the wall and was probably worried sick. I was very happy she was in her own body. The no soul having would lessen her guilt over the girl’s death, at least until tonight.

With bleary eyes I stumbled to the phone and picked it up, trying to remember my Watcher’s number. I jumped and my eyes blinked open as Dalton’s hand took the receiver out of my slack one. “I’ll call, you go get some shut eye.” I nodded mutely.

Spike came trudging out of the basement, his face troubled. His eyes met mine and he shook his head. “C’mere,  pet, Spike’s got you.” I didn’t protest as he swept me up into his arms. I nestled my face against his shoulder as he carried me upstairs and set me on my bed. He started to leave but I stopped him with a hand.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

He nodded and lay down next to me. Curling around my back he whispered against the nape of my neck: “Never alone, luv. Never.”

****

I was dreaming about fire again. It was everywhere and I couldn’t find Spike. There was smoke and I could barely see. I had to find my vampire. A beam, bright with flames, broke and fell right in front of me. I jumped back to avoid it and found myself brought up short against a solid chest.

Whipping around I prepared for a fight, but Spike caught my hand and the stake I hadn’t realized I’d been holding clattered to the floor.

“Sorry!” I cried. I’d been about to dust him. “No!” I looked in horror at the stake that was by my feet.

“Hush now, pet. I’m going to get you out of here.” He tugged at my arm and it seemed like we’d barely taken a step before we were outside. The building was burning like a torch in the night, but we were safe. I gulped in the fresh, cold air.

I took a deep breath and found my eyelids fluttering open in my bedroom. Spike’s arm was heavy around my middle. I blinked again. My mom was standing in my doorway, a frown on her face as she stared at us. She didn’t seem to realize I was awake. I wanted to turn over to face Spike. My dream was still making me feel strange and I knew seeing his face would help me relax, but I didn’t want to make my mom think I was turning away from her.

She just kept staring. Both Spike and I were fully clothed and on top of the blanket so it’s not like her imagination could be running away with her.

“Joyce.” Dalton put his hand on my mom’s shoulder. He smiled slightly in my direction. He’d be able to hear my heartbeat and would know that I was awake. My mom didn’t move. “Is something wrong?” he asked her in a low voice.

She crossed her arms over her stomach. “That’s my baby.”

“So she is.” Dalton tilted his head to the side. “I think you better elaborate as I don’t have children. You might want to use small words, too.” Mom gave him a funny look. “Male,” he said with a smile.

Mom laughed silently for a second before she turned to look at me again. “I can remember when she couldn’t hold a spoon, or talk, or ride a bike. And now she goes out and saves the world and…I’m really not the most important person in her life any more, am I?”

Dalton smiled sadly. “You’ll always be her mother, Joyce. And while it might occasionally not seem like it, your girl could do a lot worse than Spike. He knows her world, can fight at her side, would dust before he’d ever let anything hurt her. Do you think some kid she met at the drive-in would be able to keep her safe? That some football player in a letter jacket would know how to fight the kind of monster that rips hearts out and leaves them as presents?” My mom shuddered. “Your daughter’s the Slayer. Most don’t make it to eighteen.” I think my mom stopped breathing and she turned her stricken gaze to Dalton’s face. He shrugged unapologetically. “If you want her to live her best chance is lying in that bed with her right now. He’s far from perfect, but he’s all hers.”

Dalton squeezed my mom’s shoulder one more time and left. I couldn’t stand it any longer. With a sigh I rolled over to face my vampire. He was sound asleep, his face soft with it. Dalton was a little bit wrong. Yeah, Spike wasn’t perfect and I still worried that he’d do something that’d really be hard for me to deal with, because I knew how murky trying to navigate things with no set moral compass was. But Spike tried and I knew he would keep trying. So what if he wasn’t perfect? For me he was just right.

****

It was late afternoon before I drug my sorry carcass out of bed. I had to pee and my stomach was growling. My back was also stiff from being curled up so tight. Spike had rolled onto his stomach and sprawled in his sleep with his arms and legs spread over most of the bed. It made me miffed that for whatever reason I’d subconsciously smushed myself into a little, uncomfortable ball to accommodate him. And with his stupid leather coat on I couldn’t even see anything that might make me feel less grumpy about the whole thing.

I kind of wanted to push his bed-hogging butt onto the floor. Only my stomach picked that second to growl and really, he looked so peaceful. If we were going to be sleeping together we were going to need a bigger bed. I giggled at my own joke, though it trailed off as I thought about other things we could do in a big, soft, bouncy bed. All kinds of things. The butterflies came to life and started holding up signs with ideas on them as they flittered back and forth.

Spike probably wouldn’t object to me waking him up to try one…some…all of those ideas. It was tempting. I just needed to shut the door. My bladder spasmed, reminding me why I’d gotten up in the first place.

Fine, body, I’ll take care of you. I really didn’t miss the pesky bodily function stuff at night. I used the restroom and tromped down to the kitchen. My mom was there and already putting something together for dinner. I picked an apple up out of the bowl of fruit on the counter. I frowned at its red, glossy surface and put it back. It looked too fake. I snagged a banana instead.

“You doing okay?” I asked my mom. The pots and dishes were getting banged around a lot more than normal.

“Yes, no. I don’t know.” She glared at me. “Why are you so calm?”

I shrugged. “I’ve been dealing with this sort of stuff a lot longer than you have.” I took a bite of banana. “It’s terrible,” I said as I chewed. “But I didn’t make Angelus kill that girl. All I can do now is try and figure out a way to stop him. Spike’s nearly back at his full strength and I think the two of us together would really stand a chance. We need to stop the whole switching thing first, though.”

My mom filled up a pan with water while I ate. Finally, she sighed and turned to look directly at me. “I don’t like any of this. I don’t like that I can’t keep you safe, or make things better for you. I don’t like that you’re dating someone that’s technically dead, and I really don’t like that he might be the only hope I have of seeing you graduate high school.” She clanged the pan down on the stove.

I didn’t know what to say. She went to the table and pulled a chair out, sitting down with her head in her hands. “Mom?” I sat beside her and rested a hand on her back.

“Oh, Buffy.” She brushed a few tears off her cheeks and pulled me into a hug. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself. My little girl is all grown up and I don’t know what to do.” I hugged her back. “I miss ice skating.” She mumbled into my shoulder.

“Yeah, me too.”

When Mom went back to making dinner the banging noises were a little less angry sounding.

“You know,” she said once the water was boiling. “Your friend Dalton has been a big help around here.” I continued examining my cuticles. Fighting Angelus had not been good for my nails. “I’d really like to do something for him to show how much I appreciate his help. Can you think of anything?”

My head shot up. Boy howdy could I ever. “I know exactly what to do.” I moved closer and whispered my idea to her, just in case he was awake downstairs and listening. I wanted this to be a surprise.

When I was done my mom nodded. “It might take a little while.”

“Trust me, it’ll be worth it. And don’t tell Spike. I love the guy but he can’t keep his mouth closed about anything.”

“So I’ve noticed,” my mom said dryly.

“Thank you! This will be amazing!”  Dalton was going to be in for a heck of a surprise.

****

_Monday, February 16, 1998_

I’d updated Willow briefly on the phone about the whole heart thing, but we weren’t able to have any girl talk until Monday afternoon. Giles had been drug to a faculty meeting so we took the opportunity to sit outside in the afternoon sunshine.

She was nearly quivering with anticipation as we found a place to lie on the grass that didn’t look too gross. I lounged with my hand behind my head and tried not to grin. After fussing with her overalls and changing how she was sitting three times, Willow gave up pretending she was going to do anything except beg for details.

“I know I should be worried about, like, a million other world end-y type things, but I so want to ask: did you guys finally do it?” She was leaning towards me, eyes bright.

I couldn’t help the huge smile that overtook my face. “I’m officially off the Virgin Scale. Way, way off it. I’m over on that part of the map where it says ‘here be dragons’.”

Willow squealed. “Are they good, yummy dragons?”

“Uh-uh, you first. What have you and Oz been up to?” I pushed my sunglasses up onto my forehead.

She smiled shyly. “Well, no dragon type stuff, but there was lots of kissing and even some over the clothes type…touching of…things.”

“Things?” I raised an eyebrow. She was going to have to do better than ‘things’. “And how much touching are we talking about?”

“Just a little groping. I might have, erm-“ Willow flushed bright red.

“Spill it!” I nearly shouted and had to slap a hand over my mouth. Willow looked frantically around, but no one was paying any attention to us. I cleared my throat and dropped my voice to a whisper. “Willow, did you touch a boy’s penis?”

Her face was neon red. “Just through his clothes.” Her fingers twitched, but then her eyes narrowed and she shot me a glare. “Not like some who’ve had a boy’s penis inside them.”

It was my turn to blush. “Willow!”

“It’s true!” She ducked her head, but eyed me from behind the sweep of her long hair.

I couldn’t deny that. “It was really good. Like, ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles good, and I’m kind of mad all this other crazy, crummy stuff is happening because I just want to think about how amazing he made me feel and plan for when we can do it again.” I sat up and hugged my arms around my knees. “God, Willow, some innocent girl died because she kind of looked like me and my mind and body are still on a high from Valentine’s Day. I’m such a bad person!” Tears were threatening.

Willow laid a hand on my back. “Buffy! No! Wanting to have sex with the boyfriend you love very much does not make you a bad person.”

“Even if he’s a vampire?” I sniffed. It was tempting to ditch the rest of the school day and go home. I wanted to see that little smirk of Spike’s that he got just before he did something particularly toe-curling to me. Only the unexcused absence call my mom would get was keeping me from making a run for it.

Willow snorted. “Even if he’s a vampire. It’s not like I have a leg to stand on. I mean, hello! I’m dating a werewolf. It was scary seeing him all wolfy. He wasn’t Oz at all.” She tilted her head to the side with a frown. “Spike at least has some control, right? It’s not like you’re going to get a paper cut and he’s going to make with the fangs and drain you, is he?” Her concern was genuine and I couldn’t even imagine seeing someone I love buried so deep as Oz had been in his wolf.

“No…” I hedged.

“Is there a but there?” Willow chewed on her lip, looking worried.

“He wouldn’t hurt me.” I smiled shyly.

“What’s the ‘but’ then?”

“Well…this is probably T.M.I.”

She crossed her arms. “There’s no way I’m letting you get away with that! You don’t get to weasel out of telling you best friend something after a statement like that. I might die of curiosity.”

“Oh. Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Willow glared at me.

“So, um.” I picked at a bit on lint on my jeans. “Slayer blood is like a vampire aphrodisiac. If I get a paper cut it’s much more likely to give him a boner than uncontrollable blood lust.” Willow’s eyebrows shot up. “Not that he needs much help in that department.”

“Buffy!” She giggled.

“What?” I pretended to be all snooty. “You don’t think he wears that stupid coat around the house all the time just because he likes the way it looks, do you?”

“Oh my god,” she snickered. “The poor guy.”

“Yeah, Spike’s got it real rough.” I sighed. “I used to be scared of him, before I knew what was under all that big bad attitude. I guess maybe I should still be a little worried. He did want to kill me, but that just feels like it was so long ago now.”  The frightening, ugly monster that’d attacked the school on Parent-Teacher Night and nearly ended me didn’t seem like the same guy that kissed me breathless and had wanted to read me poetry on Valentine’s Day before making love.

Willow was playing with the ends of her hair, sliding it through her fingers. “I’m scared of Oz,” she said in a small voice. “Not all the time, or anything. But I have to lock my boyfriend up three days a month so he won’t murder me, everyone I know, and complete strangers.”

“It’s not like he has a choice about it.”

“I know. It’s just…I’m responsible for it now, too. I have to pay attention to the calendar and make sure he’s where he needs to be and that there’s chains and a cage and people to watch over him.”

“I understand.” I really, really did. “I kind of feel the same way. Like I have to watch Spike and make sure he knows what people on our side of the fence do, because without the soul, it can be really hard for him to tell. If, or I guess when, he messes up it’s going to feel like my fault too.”

We sat in silence, plucking at blades of newly grown grass.

“Stupid hellmouth,” Willow said with a sigh.

“What about it?”

With a groan she flopped backwards. “No normal boys for us.”

“Nope…not that I’m very normal or anything myself. If I hugged Xander too tightly I’d break him. With Spike that’s not going to happen.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. “Actually, I totally know I can squeeze all kinds of Spike’s parts however hard I want to and it’s not going to hurt him.”

“Buffy!” She giggled and threw the blades of grass in her hand at me. “Oz can smell if I’m happy or sad or whatever. He’s like a werewolf mood ring. It’s really convenient.”

“Have you had your period around him yet?” I smirked as she made a face.

“I hadn’t thought about that.”

“I couldn’t get rid of Spike last week. Every time I turned around I was bumping into him.”

Willow did the whole fake finger down the throat gagging routine. “Ewww, Buffy, gross!”

“What? Vampire plus blood. You do the math.” Okay, so I thought it was a little on the weird and icky side too, but it was part of who he was. I’d even caught him under the sink examining my tampon box, the notebook with the instructions I’d written out for Dru in his hand. The fact that I bled once a month for a couple of days seemed to endlessly fascinate him. Especially because of where the blood was coming from.

“Are you telling me Spike’s not going to have a problem getting his red wings?”

Oh, geeze. “Uh, probably not.” It was good I had most of a month to wrap my head around that one because there was no way in hell he would be content now with just following me around and breathing deeply.

I was saved from having to say anything by Oz strolling over to us. He handed Willow a chocolate bar with a kiss before sitting down beside her.

“Nice afternoon,” he said.

I glanced at the chocolate bar and Willow’s expression that was somewhere between ticked off and extremely grateful. PMS was such a wonderful thing.

“Better eat it or you’ll be cranky during history and nobody likes that.” I pushed my hair behind my ears.

With a glare, she unwrapped the foil and took a bite.

I lay back and watched the puffy clouds sailing by. They all looked like joyful bunnies, puppies, and pretty castles to me. I was shocked to realize I was happy. I probably shouldn’t be, not with Angelus still running around, but for the moment I was safe. And I knew I was loved. For a few minutes it was okay for my heart to be light.

****

_Tuesday, February 24, 1998_

I had finally had put my foot down about me and Spike being stuck inside all the time. Angelus knew where we were if he wanted to try something and I’d been going stir crazy. Spike had been even worse off than I was. So while Giles and my mom both had a lot of reservations, though for vastly different reasons, I had Spike training me every night and we were even taking on part of patrol.

The training aspect was weird because while I was super used to being in Dru’s body, it didn’t have the capability to move anything like my usual one did. More than once I tried a kick or throw that as the Slayer I would have found easy-peasy, only to end up overbalanced and on my behind. Spike had no trouble laughing at me, the jerk. Progress was slow, but it was fun. Willow and Xander even joined in sometimes and to my surprise Spike wasn’t above teaching them some self-defense moves as well.

I nearly dusted I laughed so hard at Spike’s shocked face when Xander got the hang of using an opponent’s momentum against them and managed to throw my boyfriend onto his back.

Angelus had been laying low since we’d taken out The Judge, but none of us believed for a second that he’d given up.  Neither Spike nor I mentioned it to the others, but one night at the Bronze I’d been sitting there with Spike sipping a cherry vodka sour when that whole ooky sire-call feeling slithered over me. I’d turned my head at the same time as Spike and Angelus had been there, hiding in the shadow on the other side of the club.  Spike had gripped my arm painfully tight, but Angelus had just grinned when he saw us looking at him and disappeared into the crowd, taking that awful feeling with him.  The others had been dancing and never noticed. I’d downed my drink, which my mom totally didn’t know about, and curled up on Spikes lap while he ran his fingers through my hair. And there I stayed, ignoring the strange looks Xander and Dru kept shooting us, until we all went home.

Now it was late Tuesday night, nearly midnight, and I was sitting on the couch watching Knight Rider reruns with the sound way down while Spike massaged my feet. Dalton was sitting in a chair with his nose stuck in Doctor Zhivago while he completely ignored us. Dru and my mom were already asleep. I could hear their steady heartbeats.

Spike’s hands felt marvelous on my feet and he worked every tiny muscle. I had to fight not to groan. I didn’t want to make things any more weird than they already were. There hadn’t been a chance for us, while I was in my Buffy-body, to get horizontal again and it was driving me to distraction. God, Giles kept saying he thought he’d figured the spell or the curse or whatever was making me and Dru switch and every time it’d be a dead end. I was starting to worry that either Spike’s demon or mine would get fed up and decide to try and force the issue. I could feel mine, right that second, prowling around the periphery of my mind and whispering all kinds of very naughty things I could be doing. That I wanted to be doing. That it would feel so good to be doing.

“Gah!” I snatched my feet out of Spike’s hands and stood up. “I’m hungry. Anyone else want a mug while I’m up?” They both shook their heads and I nearly ran to the relative safety of the kitchen. I pulled one of the Styrofoam cups with blood out of the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. I punched in the numbers and turned around only to nearly jump out of my skin because Spike was standing inches away from me.

He was frowning. It was almost a pout and my eyes locked on the curve of his lower lip.

“What’s wrong, pet?” he rumbled. His stupid black t-shirt was tight across his chest and the button down he’d been wearing was gone. My eyes followed the way the muscles in his arm stretched and bulged as he raised one hand and ran it through his hair. “Buffy?”

“I…I…” I snapped. My face rippled and shifted to that of the demon. I snarled as something broke loose inside me. I slammed Spike up against the wall, my hand on his neck. I sniffed up his chest before moving my hand to his chin and twisting his head to the side. My whole body was pressed against his and I could tell that he liked me being rough with him. I ran my tongue up and down the column of his throat.

“Buffy, we’re not supp…” I growled and ground my hips against him. We weren’t supposed to what? Be ourselves? Take what belonged to us? My fangs were nearly in his skin as my fingers worked the buckle of his belt.

With a roar Spike pushed me away from him. But his own demon had come out to play. Wild yellow eyes met mine and his tongue ran over the glistening points of his sharp teeth. He lunged for me and I jumped back, quickly putting the kitchen island between us. He wanted me badly, that much was obvious. It was just a matter of time and we’d be writhing together on the top of the surface that was currently separating us

“What are you two doing?” Dalton was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, his arms over his chest. We ignored him and continued to circle. Spike growled at me and I hissed back. The phone rang. Who the hell would be calling at this hour? I made a grab for Spike’s throat but he dodged, nabbing my elbow at the same time. “Oh, I’ll get it, for pity’s sake,” Dalton said as the phone continued to ring.

Spike tossed me against the island and used his body to pin me there. My spine arced as he pushed me backwards with a hand around my neck.  He had his other hand in the waistband of my pants, ready to yank them down. I was whimpering and pushing my hips up towards him. I needed him so badly, wanted him even more. My beautiful dark prince…

“Stop!” Dalton’s voice was loud and distraught. It knocked both Spike and I out of our lust-fueled fog and we sprang apart. I shook off my demon and Spike did the same. There were tears on Dalton’s face. Mom and Dru came hurtling into the kitchen. Dru had a stake in her hand and her eyes were scanning quickly back and forth.

“Dalton!” My mom put her arm around him and he laid his head on her shoulder.  “What happened?”

Dalton had to heave a couple of huge breaths before he could talk. “Jenny…it’s Jenny.”

“What about Jenny?” Dru’s blonde hair was mussed and she was wearing a simple sleep shirt and shorts. I could hear her heart racing in panic.

“Giles call…at his place…Angelus.” Dalton’s words were interrupted by fresh tears.

“What’s going on?” my mom asked, fear in her eyes.

“Angelus killed Jenny Calendar and left her body at the Watcher’s.” Spike’s voice was terse as he interpreted Dalton’s sobs.

“Oh, oh no.” My mom let go of Dalton and sat down hard in a chair. He kneeled beside her, and cried silently at her feet while she rested a hand on his head.

Dru looked sick.

We couldn’t just stand there. I guessed it was up to me to be the Slayer in this situation. “Dru, go upstairs and get dressed. You, me and Spike are going to go check on Giles. Dalton, stay with my mom. Spike, get your coat and raid the downstairs weapons cache. We’re going to need stakes.”

****

Even with Spike red lining the DeSoto’s engine we didn’t get there in time. Giles had already left.  Xander and Willow were inside the apartment, fear on their faces. Dru had gone upstairs to stare at the bed where Jenny’s body had been and I realized she was going to be useless.

I grabbed Xander and sent him to comfort her. Willow made a quick report on what weapons were missing. Giles had gone loaded for bear.

“What do you think he’s going to do?” she asked.

“Something stupid,” Spike spat. “He loved the girl and it’s going to make him reckless.”

I sighed. “Factory.” 

“Right. Let’s go.”

****

The flames were visible a few blocks away. I gasped, my hand on my breast.

“Buffy?” Spike’s hand grabbed mine for a quick squeeze before he had to shift again as we flew around a corner.

“It was home.” I said, lamely. It was where everything had changed. Where I learned what love was. Where I’d met Spike and Dalton. Where I figured out that good and evil aren’t black and white.

Spike shrugged. “It’s just a place.” He glanced over at me. “Home is wherever you are, Buffy.” I looked down at my pale hands, which were clenched on my knees. “Tell me again.” The words were nearly a whisper.

I shuddered. “I love you, Spike.”

“I love you, too.” The car jerked to a halt in front of the factory, one front tire on the curb. Spike pulled the parking brake and grabbed my arm as I started to open my door. He hauled me across the seat so he could smash his lips into mine for a few seconds. “Now, and I can’t bloody believe I’m going to say this, let’s go save your Watcher.”

I scrabbled out of the car and bit my lip. My demon was going nuts over the fact I was about to walk into a burning building. I was flammable. But it wasn’t like the whole building was on fire, just parts of it, and truthfully I was way more worried about Spike being in there than me.

My resolve wavered as a beam cracked and dropped from the ceiling. Sparks shot everywhere as it hit the floor. I took a step back and bumped into Spike, which made my mind skitter sideways. Hadn’t I been dreaming about this? How had that ended? There’d been the dream where he’d died…but no, that’d been much earlier. The most recent one had been okay, right? Think!

A yell from my Watcher broke through my fugue and I was running through the door before I had time to realize what I was doing. My eyes burned from the smoke. I vamped out, hoping that would help me see in the dim light. Behind me Spike coughed. “Quit breathing,” I snapped.

“Bloody hell,” he grumbled. “I was just trying to scent them.”

“In the burning building?”

There was another shout and we both took off running in the direction it’d come from. Spike hurtled over assembly line pieces and old boxes, arriving where Giles was facing off against Angelus well before I did. 

My Watcher was swinging a baseball bat that was lit up like a torch, but I could see it was only a matter of time before Angelus got the upper hand.

Neither Giles nor Angelus had even noticed our arrival. With a grunt Spike ducked under Giles’ backswing and tackled him. The bat fell from my Watcher’s grip just as I rounded the last obstacle and put myself between them and Angelus.

My…I mean Dru’s Sire went livid. “What kind of spell are you two under?” he yowled.

I calmly pulled a stake from my waistband and gripped it tightly. From the corner of my eye I could see Giles struggling against Spike’s hold, but the vampire was far too strong for my Watcher to get away.

“This isn’t your fight, Spike!” Giles said.

“Old man’s right, boy.” Angelus kept an eye on my stake as he attempted to circle closer to my Watcher and boyfriend. “Let him die if he wants.”

“Your Slayer needs you!” Spike hissed in Giles’ ear. “Are you such a pathetic wanker you’re going to leave her in this mess so you can go out in a bloody blaze of glory?” My Watcher suddenly sagged, Spike’s words getting through to him.

“Where is the Slayer, anyway? All I see are her two little lapdogs.”

Spike growled and I took a step forward. “You’ll dust the same no matter who’s wielding the stake,” I snarled.

“Did you know, Watcher.” Angelus’ eyes were darting between Spike and me, calculating his odds. “That after me your goody-goody Slayer has an addiction to dead flesh? I could smell the runt on her when we fought, and I’m not talking about a few kisses. And this one.” He jerked his head in my direction. “Said she knew all about it because she was there.”

Giles wheezed a laugh between his dry lips. We really had to get him out of here before the smoke killed him.

Angelus narrowed his gaze as my Watcher’s laugh turned into a cough. I pulled my arm back and hoped my vampiric strength would be enough to force the stake through his breast bone.

“Ponce,” Spike said amicably. “You’re just jealous because both birds figured out where they needed to go to get a proper shag.”

Angelus growled at Spike, his upper lip curling back as he braced his feet and prepared to pounce. I let my stake fly, but at the last second Angelus realized he’d been had. He dodged and the wood pierced his shoulder instead of his heart.  Howling in pain he turned and fled.

I breathed a sigh of relief and nearly choked on the smoke. Spike was already lifting Giles over his shoulder and running towards the exit. We burst out into the night and Spike gently laid my Watcher down on the pavement. I sat down cross-legged and drew Giles’ head into my lap. He panted and coughed for a bit before recovering enough to sit upright.

Spike laid a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get you home, mate.”

Giles covered Spike’s hand with his own. “Thank you.” Spike nodded and helped my Watcher to his feet. I opened the back door and sat down beside Giles, my arm around him, as Spike drove him back to our house instead of his apartment.

My mother and Dalton started fussing over Giles the moment he was through the front door. Willow, Xander and Dru were sitting in the living room and Dru had obviously been crying. Spike’s shoulders slumped. He went to talk to her and I shoved any jealousy down hard. This wasn’t the time or the place. I showered the soot off, dried my long hair, and headed down to the basement. Willow followed me down and wrapped her arms around me.

“It’s okay, Buffy. You can be sad too.” The tears finally came and I sobbed until I fell asleep on her shoulder.

****

_Wednesday February 25, 1998_

When morning came I blinked and found myself still in the living room. Spike was asleep in the easy chair, his head thrown back and his pale throat exposed. He looked so vulnerable. I was terrified of someone taking him away from me. When I stood he stirred and was on his feet a second later.

“C’mon, luv. Up to bed with you. Your lot’s been excused from class for the day.”

“What about Dru?” I asked, yawning.

“I’ll go sit with her.” Xander looked even more tired than I felt.

Spike raised an eyebrow. “You sure? She’s not going to have a good day.”

“Yeah. It’ll be okay. I don’t want to leave her alone and I’m getting pretty good at interpreting Dru-speak.  I’ll send Willow up to sleep on the couch.”

Spike nodded and gave Xander a funny little smile. “She’s a princess. Remember that.”

Xander waved his hand in acknowledgement and disappeared into the kitchen. The house was quiet and I wondered where everyone else had got to. Only I was too tired to really care.

Spike picked me up. He was still covered with ash from the factory and smelled like smoke. I pressed my nose against the base of his throat and breathed him in while he carried me. His arms were tight around me and by the time we reached my room I was no longer tired. My whole body was alight with need.

He set me down, letting me slide against the planes of his chest and stomach as he did so. I wondered if he was mad at me for last night, for how far things had almost gone before Dalton had interrupted us. But, no, I knew better than that. Vampire. I hadn’t even thought about it until this moment.

I looked up at his heavily lidded eyes. Lust moved hot and heavy through my belly. Was I sick to want him after the tragedy of last night?

“Spike…” I whispered.

“Yes, luv?” His hand was tracing infuriating little circles on my lower back.

“I…is…crud,” I said lamely.

He chuckled. “Spit it out. I’ve got you, whatever it is.”

I looked up at him shyly through my lashes. “I don’t know if I’m being totally weird or whatever, but I kind of don’t want to sleep right now.”

“No?” His hand dipped lower on my spine.

“I, god, I’m going to sound like the worst person ever.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” he purred.

I gulped. “I want to, um, well… I want to have sex with you right now,” I finally said, all in a rush.

“It’s okay, Buffy. It’s normal. You come out the other side of death and it makes you want life.” He settled his hand on the curve of my behind and pulled me tight against him so I could feel how much he desired me. He eyed the pristine white sheets on my bed. “I’m going to get your bed all dirty.”

“Don’t care,” I mumbled. I put my arms around his neck and tried to pull him into a kiss.

“And we’re going to have to be really quiet, lots of people sleeping.”

I pouted. “Are you going to talk or make love to me?”

Spike chuckled and then his lips were on mine. He shrugged off his duster and pushed me down onto the bed. Our mouths and hands were fevered. Clothing seemed to disappear and we clung tightly to each other as we stretched out on the mattress, trying to press as much of our skin together as possible.

 I couldn’t get enough. Not of him, or love, or life.


	27. Possessive

Tear down your defenses

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Dizzy”

****

_Wednesday, February 25, 1998_

I was being kissed. It took me a minute to find reality, but when I managed to get my eyes open and focused it was well worth the effort. Spike’s eyes were bright blue in the muted light of the room, crinkled at the corners as he smiled. I could feel his lips turning up even as they gently caressed mine. If anyone bothered to ask me what I wanted, I’d choose to be woken up like this every morning.

“Hey,” I whispered against his mouth.

He laid his head on the pillow next to mine and I turned on my side to face him. I ran the fingers of one hand over the sharp angles of his face. There was still soot smeared here and there and I rubbed ineffectively at it. It reminded me of what had happened, and that Ms. Calendar was dead. And there but for the grace of God go I. Her death underlined the fact that I’d be lucky to see another year, let alone another five or ten.

I wanted my boyfriend with me every morning, because, honestly, there might not be that many more for me. To my horror first one tear escaped, then another, and before I knew it I was silently crying.

Spike looked alarmed. “Luv, Buffy, what’s wrong?” I could see him mentally scrambling as he tried to figure out what had happened. “Did I do something?”

“No…Jenny…” I hiccupped around my tears.

“Oh.” He wiped my cheek with his thumb.

“And I’m being silly.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“It just-“ Dang it, this was hard. I scrunched down and pulled the sheet up over our heads. There was more than enough light in the room so that I could still see clearly.

“What are we doing?” Spike whispered.

I pressed a finger to his lips that he tried to nip, making me giggle even though I was still crying. “Hiding,” I whispered back.

“Ah.”

“Ms. Calendar dying…Spike I’m not going to live very long.”

Gold swirled deep in his eyes and I could feel the growl that passed through him. “Why do you say that?”

I narrowly avoided rolling my eyes. “Because I’m the Slayer. If I live another decade I’ll be the oldest Slayer in recorded history.” I scraped my nails against the sheet covering the empty space between us. “I don’t think I’ll be that lucky.”

“No,” he breathed. “No!” He lunged at me, pushing me onto my back and pinning my entire body to the bed with his. “Not going to let you die. Not ever. You’re going to live forever.” He buried his face against the side of my neck and trembled.

I hugged him tight. “It doesn’t work like that.” A dark thought flittered through my brain. “Unless-“ I swallowed hard. “Unless you were thinking of turning me.”

He gasped and picked his head up to look down at me. There were emotions I couldn’t even place rushing through him. “No, I couldn’t do that.” He squeezed his eyes closed and tears escaped to run down his face as well. “Running the risk of you not being you anymore…no. I just…no.”

I was vastly relieved. Gently, I wove the fingers of one hand into the hair on the back of his head and tugged until he was lying with his face next to mine, his head turned so his lips were nearly against my cheek. He was more or less crushing me, but I could still breathe a little and it felt good to be anchored like that. I wiggled one leg free and wrapped it over his so he couldn’t easily get away. “Spike, I know I’m not going to see thirty, probably not even twenty.” He shivered again. “And what time I have isn’t even my own. I don’t get to go on vacations to the Bahamas, or Paris, or London. Sunnydale’s probably it for me.”

“Buffy-“

“Shh.” I stroked the back of his head and tickled the little hairs on his neck. “It’s okay. It’s not fair and I hate it, but it’s okay.”

“It’s not bloody well okay.”

He was pouting and I took the time to press a kiss to his lips before continuing. “I’m hoping you’ll stay with me as long as I last, though I guess I could understand if you don’t want to.” I frowned. “I totally get it if you can’t stand to stick around and see me kick the bucket. If you need to go, just say good-bye first. Please.”

“I’m not going anywhere and you’re not going to sodding die.”

I didn’t argue, it wasn’t worth it. “Can you promise me something?”

“Anything.”

I ran a finger slowly over the bumps of his spine. “Thirty years from now, which will be…”

“2028.”

“Thanks. So on my birthday in 2028 will you promise me you’ll go to Paris and sit and have a drink in a café and remember me?”

“God, Buffy. Yes…no. I’ll bloody well bring you with me and we’ll have that drink together.”

“I like your lies.”

He pressed his forehead against my cheek. An inhuman, high pitched noise vibrated in the back of his throat.

“It’s not all bad,” I said, trying to pretend his distress wasn’t an almost palpable thing. “I don’t have to worry you’ll see me get all old and ugly.”

“I’ll see you old and grey. Every wrinkle a badge to how you thumbed your nose at time and what everyone said was ‘supposed’ to happen. You’ll be even more beautiful than you are now.”

I wanted to believe him. That I’d beat the odds, that we’d have years and years together instead of months, or days, or hours. “Promise you’ll never forget me, Spike. That when I’m nothing but ashes and words in a diary sitting unheeded on a Council shelf that you’ll still remember the girl. That I like chocolate, ice skating, and watching old sitcoms with my boyfriend.” He nodded and sucked in a ragged breath. “You realize that means you can’t do something, um, stupid when I do finally buy the farm, right?” I bit my lip. “You can’t remember me in a century if you’re not around and I want my immortality.” Spike was deathly still. “Please, promise me.”

“Do you know what you’re asking?” His voice was low and flat.

“Yeah, for you to live through a bunch of pain. For me.” I turned my head so I was looking him in the eyes. “Promise?”

“Okay, you bloody pushy bint. I promise. I’ll live in sodding hell for you.”

“The ‘live’ part sounds pretty good to me.”

He kissed me bruisingly hard. It didn’t feel so much like he was trying to be sexy, more like he was reminding both of us that we were here now. I clutched at his arms as he pushed them under me and pulled me against him in a crushing grip. Air actually was beginning to be a problem and I was bordering on lightheaded when there was a knock at the door.

Spike’s mouth broke away from mine. “What?” he barked. A little fission of fear traipsed down my spine and I wasn’t even the one he’d yelled at.

“Um, sorry,” Dalton squeaked. “But Joyce is going to be home in half an hour and I’m sure the sheets on that bed need to be washed and I sort of thought you’d might want to know.”

“Thank you!” I called before my vampire could snarl any further at someone who was trying to be nice. “Just give us like five minutes, okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Dalton replied.

I pulled the covers off our heads. Both they and we were streaked with soot. “We really are a mess.” I clucked my tongue.

“Five more minutes, mum,” he whined and clenched his eyes tightly shut, not moving a muscle. 

I slapped him on the behind. “C’mon sleepyhead, up and at ‘em.”

He slit his eyes open and looked down at me.  “Shower?”

My breath hitched. “Yes.” Please! Anything to keep us together longer, anything to keep this spell going where the whole world was him and I didn’t need anything else. Also it felt like I had a checklist of things to do, sexy things, and I was pretty eager to check as many of them off as I could with Spike before my death caught up with me. Taking a shower with my boyfriend was totally on that list, though the exact mechanics were still a little fuzzy.

Reluctantly, Spike rolled off me and sat up. I laughed at the streaks of soot I’d left down his back. I hadn’t escaped, my breasts had quite a few black finger marks on them and there was a perfect hand print on the inside of one thigh. I wasn’t quite sure how that had made it through everything intact. Climbing off the bed I wrapped my robe around me and stripped the sheets off the bed, which forced Spike to stand up.

He grumbled and stretched and I forgot what I was doing for a second. I had to shake my head to get back on track. Spike’s jeans and t-shirt got added to the pile of laundry.

I was about to say something or offer to get him a towel when Spike pulled the door open buck naked and strutted past Dalton without even looking at him. Dalton shrank back against the wall. I rolled my eyes. The alpha dog putting the others in the pack in their place.

I handed Dalton the laundry when he held his hands out for it. “Thank you. Sorry my boyfriend is a complete a-hole.”

Dalton shook his head and chuckled ruefully. “I don’t think he can help it. I’ll bring the a-hole some clean clothes and leave them outside the bathroom door. Sound good?”

“Perfect. Thank you, again.” I squeezed his arm and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. Spike had already gotten the water going.

I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t what I got. Spike pushed the robe off my shoulders, helped me into the tub, and proceeded to pick up a washcloth and start washing me. Like I was two years old, or maybe his car. It took me a few minutes of him rubbing me down with the washcloth while he looked at and inspected every last part of my body for me to figure out what the hell he was up to. He was memorizing me. His fingers and eyes worked me over from scalp to the soles of my feet while his mouth stayed a thin, flat line.

It scared me. For all his words about keeping me alive, it was proof that he knew better. I was already on borrowed time.

At last Spike had me bend over and plant my hands on the rear rim of the tub. He roughly ran the washcloth over the area between my thighs in a businesslike manner. Then he did it again, slower. I shivered and my heartrate kicked up a notch. There was a long pause when all I could hear was the splattering sound of the water from the shower head hitting the sides of the tub and Spike’s back.

“Buffy.” His voice was rough, broken. “I want to…”

Oh, for crying out loud. “I’ve wanted to since you said shower.”

“Right.”

I sucked in a breath and smiled as my vampire stood up. He put a hand on my back to keep me bent over. My knees quivered with anticipation. This was going to be a couple of checkmarks on my list.

****

I was sitting in the kitchen, my hair blow-dried and styled, watching Dalton make dinner. My mom breezed in through the front door and came into the kitchen to drop her coat and bag. “Hi, honey,” she said, kissing my forehead.

I flushed, but hoped she didn’t notice. I felt like I’d been terribly bad, only no matter how guilty I felt now about getting it on with Spike under her roof, I knew that I’d do the exact same thing again given the chance. 

“Mmm, smells good.” My mom smiled at Dalton. “I’ll just go change and be back down.”

“Sounds good.” Dalton handed me a sauce jar. “Can you get that open for me?”

I gripped the top and turned. It didn’t budge. I tried again. “What is wrong with you?” I fumed at it.

“Something up?” Spike asked, coming in from watching TV in the living room to lean on the counter.

“This lid is very stuck.” I handed him the jar and he unscrewed the top with ease. “I must have loosened it for you,” I said, pouting.

He kissed me softly, but pulled back after a second. “Are you feeling alright, luv?”

“What?” Now that he mentioned it I did feel a little wonky.

He put a hand on my head. “I think you got a fever. You weren’t like that earlier.” Well, he would know.

“I’m sure I’m fine,” I lied.

Dalton put the spaghetti on a plate and held one out to me. I frowned at it. “I don’t think I’m really hungry right now.”

Both Spike and Dalton frowned at me but I was saved by Xander and Willow arriving in order to patrol with Drusilla that night. My mom came back downstairs and then sundown hit.  I came upstairs to Drusilla telling everyone she was fine and wanted to go out as soon as possible.

Spike still appeared worried, but I pulled him aside and suggested we go and make our own sweep. The cemeteries were pretty empty and after dusting one vamp we ended up at an all-night diner. I got a banana split and Spike, after swearing up and down he didn’t want anything, proceeded to eat more than half. After being so serious during the day we talked about a lot of nothing. When we finally got home we both headed right to the basement. Dalton was there, fast asleep. Spike chained one of my wrists and I curled up. It felt lonely after all the togetherness.

Spike settled onto the make-shift bed on the floor. We stared at each other and the space in between us until morning.

****

_Wednesday, February 26, 1998_

Where the hell was I? I screeched and sat bolt upright. I wasn’t in my bed, I didn’t recognize anything, and something was attached to me. Had Angelus kidnapped Dru while she was in my body? And what was I wearing? I didn’t have any underwear on! I kicked at the tight blankets around me but I felt so weak.

“Buffy!” Xander’s hand was on my shoulder. “Buffy!” he called again and I stilled, taking deep breaths of funny smelling air through my nose. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’ve got the flu and you’re in the hospital.”

Huh?

“Angel attacked, but you were weak and you sort of got hurt and it turns out you have that flu that’s been going around school.”

Double huh? “Where’s Spike?” I asked through dry lips.

Xander visibly deflated. “He’s on his way.” I gave the room’s one tiny, but still sun-filled window a panicked glance. “Through the sewers,” Xander added.

I relaxed a little. “Sorry.” I grabbed Xander’s wrist and tugged him until he was sitting on the bed beside me. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Thank you for being here for Drusilla and now me.”

Xander blushed a little. “They should be bringing breakfast soon. I’m guessing jell-o, because nothing says ‘get better’ like food that jiggles.”

I wrinkled my nose. “If it’s green you can have it.” A tech came in, checked my blood pressure, and set a tray on the bedside table before leaving. Thankfully there was yogurt and cereal with no signs of jell-o. More appealing were the big cartons of milk and orange juice. I opened the juice and chugged it down without breathing.

I was thinking of starting on the cereal when Spike came barreling through the door. He grabbed Xander, who yelped, and tossed him to the side with an angry growl. Seeing me sitting there, attached to monitors and not feeling my best, made him lose the battle with his demon. He vamped out and crawled onto the bed with me. My Slayer senses wacked out but I scarily found myself too weak to do much about it.

Spike was whimpering and sniffing me.  I turned my head and caught Xander’s frightened gaze. I gave him a thumbs up and he left the room, only wobbling a little. I hoped he was okay.

I pushed weakly against Spike’s chest again, but he only whined louder and licked my face. Ugh. “I’m alright, you idiot. I probably smell weird because they’ve given me a bunch of medications and I’m not wearing my clothes. I already feel better than I did last night. In fact, I was about to eat my cereal.” I gestured to the bedside table.

My vampire leaned over and sniffed at the bowl. He narrowed his eyes at the scent, but it must have met his approval because he pushed my legs a little to the side and sat down cross-legged beside me. He dumped the milk, after thoroughly sniffing that as well, on the cheerios. With what looked like a lot of effort, his human mask slid back into place.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” he asked. His expression was so open and vulnerable. I had really managed to scare the crap out of him. He dug the spoon into the cereal and held it out to me.

I nearly snapped at him for treating me like a child. Only he wasn’t. He was acting like a vampire in love. “I’m sure. Slayer healing and everything.” I obediently opened my mouth and ate the bite. He tenderly touched my cheek before continuing to feed me the cereal.

After I’d gotten about half the cereal down, Xander poked his head in. “Is it safe to go back in the water?”

I nudged Spike’s knee with my leg.

“Yeah,” he muttered. I nudged him harder. “And I’m sorry I…”

“Threw me around like a volleyball?”

“That.”

Xander waved a hand. “It’s okay. Gone and mostly forgotten, at least once the bruises fade.” He watched Spike feed me a bite of cereal. His face scrunched up and he opened his mouth like he was going to say something. I ate another bite and Xander got control of himself. “I, um, actually need to ask you guys something.”

“Shoot,” I told him around bites.

“Well, last night after Drusilla was settled in this room and everyone else had left, she fell asleep, and-“ Xander hung his head. “And I did too.” He took a deep breath. “When I woke up she wasn’t in the bed and I freaked out, like, majorly freaked out. I ran out and found her down the hallway. She was babbling about kids dying and that she dreamed about a demon. That it was super clear. Anyway, I got her back to the bed, but she kept talking about death. And there was a kid that died last night. Oh, and Angel showed up.”

“What?” I gasped. Spike was turning the yogurt over in his hands since I’d finished all of the cheerios. He ripped the top off and growled at it.

Xander was wiping his palms on his pants. “He was here to see Buffy, but I got in his way and threatened to yell about him to everyone else, so he left.”

“Thank you,” Spike told the yogurt. He stirred it up with a lot more force than it usually needed.

I wasn’t hungry anymore but I could probably get the yogurt down. Spike probably really needed to take care of me. “What my boyfriend means-“ I smiled at Xander. “Is that he’s incredibly grateful you kept me and Drusilla safe.”

“Ah, well, it was almost nothing. With a side of thinking I was going to die. So let’s be kind and rewind for a moment. What about the demon stuff? Do you think it was just Drusilla being wacky?”

I shook my head. “It sounds like she had a Slayer dream and then saw something to back it up.”

“Dru can be barmy, but not like that.  Talking to pixies, seeing the stars inside, but not detailed hallucinations following dreams about a specific event.”

“Thank you. That’s what I thought.” Xander appeared vaguely uncomfortable to be in such close agreement with Spike.

I shrugged. “So what do we do?”

“You call your Watcher.” Spike dropped the remains of the yogurt on the tray and handed me the phone. “You-“ He pointed to Xander. “Stay here and watch over her.” Xander’s eyes went wide and he nodded. He understood how much trust Spike was putting in him. “As for me, I’m going to do a mite bit of snooping.” He hopped off the bed and planted a kiss on my forehead.

“Be good,” I said, catching the leather of his sleeve.

He frowned. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

I looked up at him. Surely I didn’t need to spell it out. Vampire, hospital, blood everywhere.

He caught my chin in his hand. “Not going off the wagon, pet. I’m just going to see if I can learn anything.” I nodded.

“I trust you,” I whispered.

“Thanks, luv. I’ll be back in a jiffy.” He left and I flopped back on the bed.

Xander sat in the chair. “So why was he feeding you like a toddler? I was waiting for him to start making airplane noises while flying the spoon into the hanger.”

“What?” I put my head in my hands. “Seriously, Xander. Like… look, it’s a vampire thing. He was taking care of me by feeding me, because he loves me. Capiche?” 

I could almost see the wheels spinning in his brain. “Capiche.”

****

“Buffy.” There was a gentle touch on my arm.

“Giles.” I started to sit up but Giles’ hand on my shoulder and Spike’s heavy arm around my middle kept me in place. Spike had spent about thirty minutes poking around the hospital before returning to my side empty handed. Yawning, he’d sent Xander home to rest and crawled onto the hospital bed next to me. It’d been comforting to have his cool skin next to my fevered one and it reminded me of when I’d exhausted myself as Drusilla. He’d held me through those nights as if his very physical presence could anchor what he loved to the world.  

“No, you stay there.” Giles dragged a chair close beside the bed. I couldn’t help but notice how he glared at my boyfriend. Too bad. Spike’s thumb made a circle on my side. “Can we talk?” Giles asked, still staring at the vampire stuck like a limpet to my side.

“Yeah, he’s out. It’s daytime, so vamp sleepy time.” I put my arm over his and turned to the side so I was facing my Watcher.

“Well, first of all I think we found the demon Drusilla saw. It’s called Der Kindestod. It roughly translates as “Child’s Death.” It apparently sucks the life out of children, and cannot be seen by healthy adults. The, uh, usual methods of Slaying should be effective on it.”

“That makes sense. Dru was sick, so she could see it.” I scrunched up my face. “Let me think about it, I’m sure I can come up with a plan.”

“I have no doubt.” Giles steepled his fingers. “Buffy…” He eyes fixed on Spike’s arm around me. “Do you think what you’re doing is wise?”

“No.” I smiled and Spike’s fingers convulsed against me, I squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Being in love with someone is never wise. I’m scared that he’ll have a great big target painted on him because I’m the Slayer, but at least I know he can hold his own in a fight, right? If Angelus or this Der Kiddie-whatever came storming through the door would I have to push Spike into a corner and stand over him to protect him?” Spike poked me hard with an indignant forefinger. “You know he’d be fighting right there beside me, helping me.”

Giles massaged his temples. “I guess I do know that. But Buffy…” I waited. “He’s not human.”

Of all the things I thought my Watcher might say, that wasn’t one of them. I’d expected something about him not being able to really love me, or a diatribe on the nature of evil, or even something about not being able to have kids in case I suddenly found a way to combine Slaying and the proverbial white picket fence. “That’s not exactly how it works,” I said slowly.

Giles leaned forward and opened his mouth, but I shook my head at him.

“I’ve spent months being a part time vampire. Soulless, with a demon, bloodlust, purring, the full package. I still felt human, but it’s just mixed in with a whole bunch of other crazy instincts, things related to scent and the feelings of who’s part of your family, stuff like that. But I’m not just an unthinking animal when I’m in Dru’s body.  It’s not like I’m going to get a little hungry and accidently eat my mom. “ Spike’s fingers were very slowly stroking my side. I huffed a breath. “And yeah, sometimes it’s hard to tell right from wrong when you have to think through every decision. But tell me there aren’t plenty of humans that don’t have problems with that.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Giles was looking down at his clasped hands.

“You don’t mean physically, do you?”

My Watcher shook his head.

“I don’t think even you, Giles, can keep me from getting my heart broken.” Spike’s fingers dug painfully into my side. “Not that Spike would ever intentionally hurt me like that.” The pressure on my ribs gradually lessened.

Giles sat back and shook his head at my vampire. “This isn’t what I wanted for you, Buffy.”

I had to suppress a laugh. “No? Would any guy meet your approval? I’m pretty sure I could drag home some multi-millionaire that looked like a model and somehow had superpowers for fighting demons and the first time you saw him make eyes at me you’d give him your patented disapproving look.” Spike’s hand twitched a couple times, almost like he was laughing, but then his whole arm tightened around me. I wasn’t surprised even hypothetical men could set off his possessive streak.

“I suppose you’re right.” Giles looked very world weary. “Do you feel any better?”

“Yeah, a lot. I ate most of my breakfast and lunch, and some of those grapes you brought.” Spike had been delighted by the grapes and I’m pretty sure my list would have had a few more checks on it if we hadn’t been in the hospital. Spike circled his first two fingers against me and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.

“Good. They’ll be letting you out tomorrow, so tonight will be our only shot at Der Kindestod.” He looked thoughtful. “Do you have any ideas?”

I shrugged and we spent the better part of the next hour hammering out a plan.  My biggest worry was how much better I was feeling. What if Dru wasn’t able to see the demon? Giles called Willow and had her working on a plan for that.

At last my Watcher stood and suggested I get some rest. He took a step and turned around. “I don’t expect he’s actually been asleep the entire time I’ve been here.” I rolled over to face Spike. His eyes were open and he winked at Giles. There was a very loud sigh from my Watcher and the sound of his footsteps tapping as he walked into the hallway.

“Hello!” It was the cheery voice of my nurse. “You must be Buffy’s father.”

“Erm, ah…”

“She’s doing much better, isn’t she? And we all just love that boyfriend of hers. He’s been so worried about her. Usually I don’t let someone else sleep in the bed like that, but they’re just so cute that this time I made an exception to the rule.”

“Well, um, yes. They are rather adorable, aren’t they?”

Spike snickered. “Did you hear that pet? I’m bloody adorable.”

“Sure.” I rolled my eyes. “I think Giles just has a funny way of saying pain-in-the ass.”

****

“I’m not drinking it.” Dru pouted. Spike huffed and turned away from the bed.

I laid a bone-white hand on her arm. “I understand. I hated feeling weak and sick again, too. But…they’re kids.”

Dru made a strangled noise. The soul probably stabbing at her for all the children she’d killed in the past.

“There’s got to be another way!” she pleaded. “A spell. Willow, surely you can do something that’d let all of us see it?”

“I couldn’t find anything.” Willow frowned, looking at the glass doctored with whatever crap to return my body to a fever induced haze.

Dru shook her head. “I just can’t.”

“Drink the sodding stuff, Drusilla,” Spike snapped. I know he didn’t like my body being made sicker as part of the plan, but we hadn’t really come up with anything better. He whirled around and stormed back to the bed. “Drink it or I will bloody well make you, you stupid-“

“Spike!” I grabbed his wrist before he could say something he really regretted.

Xander took a deep breath and stepped in between my boyfriend and Drusilla. “I’m not going to let you hurt her.”

I tugged on Spike’s wrist even as he flashed some fang at Xander, who paled but to his credit didn’t back down. I tugged harder and Spike let me lead him away. “Look, us arguing…” I trailed off. Something majorly wig worthy had just walked by the room. I darted out into the hallway and watched the monster, which could only be the Kinder-thingy, strolling nonchalantly towards the pediatric wing. I flew back into my hospital room. “We’re out of time. Dru, you don’t have to drink it. I can see it.” She looked hugely relieved. “Let’s go, weapons ready, there’s a lot of kids.”

The others armed themselves with axes and knives while Spike and I shifted into our demon faces. Oz, Giles and, surprisingly enough, Cordelia were running interference with nursing and security. None of us really wanted to explain what the hell we were doing.

We slipped down the hallway, Spike and I silently in the lead. As we entered the pediatric wing I started checking each room, leaving someone behind to nervously guard over the kids in each one that was demon free. Spike was the last and I could see him chaffing at being made a guard-dog to a bunch of ankle-biters. He shook off his demon face as he sauntered into the room.

 I was forced to suppress a chuckle as a little girl, woken up by our presence, asked him: “Are you an angel?”

“I’m most certainly not a ruddy angel,” was the growled reply.

I’d started back down the corridor, but stilled for a second, waiting for the girl’s next words.

“I think you are. You’re here to protect us.”

There was a sigh. “Right on the last part, poppet.” There was a noise that suspiciously sounded like Spike had sat on one of the creaky old cots in the room. “Just go back to sleep. I’ll keep the bloody bugger from harming you, yeah?”

“Will you sing to me while I go to sleep? My mom always sings to me.”

There was another, louder sigh, and then Spike surprised me by actually starting to hum a lullaby. It felt like I was falling in love with the doofus all over again. He had to be experiencing the same hunt, kill, feast undertone that I was since we were surrounded by such easy prey, but instead of acting on it at all he was singing to a child. I smiled around my fangs. I sometimes believed he’d been waiting his whole unlife for a chance like this, a chance to be more than a demon.

A chance to be loved.

There was a noise and I dashed to the second to last room on the unit. The sight of the monster leaning over a struggling child made my insides twist. It extended gross stalk-like things from its eyes towards the kid. Suddenly I was eight years old and watching my cousin struggle to live. Oh…Oh god…this thing had…

With a feral snarl I launched myself at the monster. I caught it by the shoulders and wrenched it away from the boy. It hit the wall and almost bounced off, striking out with razor sharp claws at me. I dodged and hissed at the thing.

The demon hesitated. It tilted its ugly head to the side and looked confused. That was the last thing it ever did. I rushed it and ducked under its raised arm. With a tight pivot I was facing its back. Gleefully, I sunk my claws into the flesh of its head and snapped sideways. There was the crack of breaking bone and the Kid-stood, whatever, demon was history.

Spike was there almost immediately. He tripped over the dead body trying to reach me and very nearly ended up a heap on the floor, only his reflexes kicked in and he managed to fall gracefully at my feet. He popped right back up and pretended nothing had happened while I hid my giggles behind my hand. I shook off my demon and he planted a kiss on my forehead.

The others arrived soon after and we quickly reassured the kids that they were safe and everything was fine. Spike and Giles had some plan about disposing of the body, so I left them to it and helped Xander get Dru back to bed.

She was thanking him profusely for standing up for her, so I walked out to the hallway to wait for Spike to walk me home.

This switching stuff? It was getting old. I was the Slayer. That was becoming more and more apparent. I would have drunk that crud in a heartbeat to save a single life, let alone a whole ward full of kids. Even with a 107 degree fever I still could have offed that stupid demon.

I was starting to think that being Chosen had less to do with the body I was in and more to do with who I fundamentally was.

“Slayer.” Spike’s voice rolled down the hallway. “Ready to home?”

Was I ever.

****

_Monday, March 2, 1998_

I’d been home from the hospital for almost a week and I still didn’t feel like I’d gotten the smell off me. I was standing at the kitchen island reading through the obituaries, looking for anything suspicious, when my mom got home from the gallery. Dalton had gotten up already and was tucked into a corner of the room with his back to me. He got really weird about his blood drinking whenever I or my mom was around. Like he was worried we’d figure out he was a vampire or something.

“Here, this came for you today.” My mom handed over a heavy parcel.

“Is this the books?” I asked excitedly, glancing at Dalton’s impeccably dressed back.

“I think so, let’s have a look.” Mom grabbed a butter knife out of the drawer and quickly cut through the tape. She handed the books to me and I carefully removed the bubble wrap from each one. They looked so old, and it was weird to think that the guy standing in my kitchen had written some of them.

“Dalton, just chug it and get over here, these are for you.” I couldn’t wait for him to see.

He downed the rest of his mug and carefully rinsed it out in the sink before joining us. The delay was driving me buggy. Why did he have to be so…grown up?

“For me?” he said, looking puzzled.

“Some were a little hard to find, but it turns out having contacts in the art world is not the worst way to track down rare books.” My mom smiled at the vampire, who still appeared completely lost.

I stacked four of the books together and handed them to Dalton. ”First off, I wanted you to have these.”

He looked down at them and his mouth dropped open. “These are my books!” He put the stack down and proceeded to examine each one individually, running his hands over the covers, flipping through the pages, even smelling them. Dalton was grinning ear to ear. “Buffy, thank you. I never thought I’d see them again.” I smiled because the surprise was only going to get more amazing.

My mom was beaming as well. She put a hand on his arm. “We wanted to say thank you for everything you’ve been doing around here.” Dalton seemed a little lost. It was understandable. He was doing what he felt was right as a guest and a subservient vampire. Minions didn’t get thanks and presents.

“I don’t know what to say,” he hedged.

The basement door thunked open and Spike wandered in. He was yawning, curly haired, and shirtless. I melted and my brain decided thinking wasn’t a priority. Barefooted, he padded over to the fridge and pulled out a container of blood and stuck it in the microwave. Still looking sleepy he leaned on the counter, his back to us, while the blood heated. He didn’t have his belt on and his jeans looked like they were barely hanging onto his hips. My tongue darted out to lick my suddenly dry lips as I wondered what he’d do if I slipped my hand…

Oh my god.

I was in my kitchen.

With my mother.

I slid my eyes over to where she and Dalton were standing. Dalton had his head to the side and I could swear he was checking out my boyfriend. Weird, but not so much with the jealousy making.  It was my mom’s face that was scaring me. Her jaw was slack and her eyes were darting back and forth between Spike and me. Belatedly, it occurred to me that she’d hardly ever seen Spike without his duster on, and certainly never when he’d been half naked. Looking very lickable.

Which my mom had better not be thinking.

The microwave dinged and Spike poured the blood into two mugs. He threaded the fingers on one hand through the handles and turned to go back downstairs. As he passed me he paused to wrap an arm around my shoulders from behind and give me a quick squeeze and a kiss on the top of my head. “Morning, pet,” he rumbled as his body molded to mine for a brief instant. I couldn’t help smiling, or the fact that my toes curled as I sagged back against him. Another kiss and he was down the stairs, carrying breakfast to Dru.

Who’d be seeing him all super sexy like that. I frowned. Now I was jealous. At least it wasn’t very long to nightfall.

“Elizabeth Anne Summers!” my mom gasped.

I rolled my eyes. “What?”

“I need to have a talk with you, young lady.”

Now she needed to have a talk with me? Did she just realize my boyfriend wasn’t a fumbling school boy? I sighed. “In a minute. It’s almost sundown and I want to give Dalton the rest of his present.”

Dalton’s head snapped back up from where he’d returned to lovingly petting his books. “There’s more? This is already too much.”

With a smile I handed him the other stack, keeping one last book in my hands. Dalton took them up and abruptly sat down on the floor.

“Are you okay?” my mom, asked, alarmed.

Dalton pulled his glasses off to wipe at the tears in his eyes. “These are Arthur’s books. I could never find them…oh, god…thank you.”

I kneeled down beside him and he gave me a one-armed hug. I slipped the last book onto the stack he was holding. “Look.” I opened the book to the dedication page and read: “To D. Wherever you are, I’m thinking of you.”  Dalton dropped his face into his hands and his shoulders shook. “It’s even better. See?” I closed the book and turned it over. The back cover, while a little tattered from time and wear, had a black and white photo of a dapper man leaning against the side of an old Ford car. He looked serious and scholarly, with his thin mustache and a pipe in one hand.

“Arthur,” Dalton whispered, and ran one finger across the photo. I took the other books from him and helped him to stand. His eyes never left the picture. Gently, I led him into the living room and sat him on the couch. My mom had put all the books back into the box and she set it beside him. He was lost in the swirl of time and memory, so we left him alone. 

Once we were back in the kitchen I caught my mom’s angry glower full force before I blinked and found myself in the basement, in Dru’s body. I finished draining the mug of blood I was holding, making a face at the taste of the pig’s blood. It was filling. The taste wasn’t awful, just boring. Like eating nothing but oatmeal.  “Needs raisins,” I told my empty cup.

“What was that?” Spike was lounging on the other cot, flipping through an old National Geographic. He still hadn’t managed to find a shirt.

“Is there, like, something that can make the pig blood less obnoxiously boring? Like raisins or cinnamon, or something?”

Spike chuckled. “There’s a couple different things. I’ll see what I can do about finding something. Wouldn’t want my girl to be bored now, would I?”

“Yeah, you might want to work on that. By the way, my mom nearly blew a gasket up there. What were you thinking, going upstairs half-dressed? Now she wants to talk with me.”

Spike looked completely unremorseful. “My kit’s all in the wash. She’s lucky I had pants on.” I groaned. “What’s she want to talk with you about, anyways?”

“I’m sure it’s ‘the’ talk.”

“What’s ‘the’ talk?”

I looked at the bare boards of the basement ceiling. “Y’know, the sex talk.”

Spike leered. “You could just tell her I already gave you one, multiple times in fact. You could probably teach her a thing or two.”

“Eww, Spike. Just no.”  I stood up and straightened the dress I was wearing. It was typical Dru, black and ruffly. I’d have to change if we were going out patrolling later.

“I want a full report,” Spike called with a smirk as I headed upstairs to face the firing squad.


	28. Dru's Interlude #2

I don't know what you're expecting of me

                -Linkin Park, “Numb”

****

_Wednesday, February 25, 1998_

I was alone. The basement was dark and empty. Dalton was upstairs, being a good minion and making sure there was food ready. He was much better at having meatloaf or pot roast ready for Joyce when she got home than he’d ever been at hunting and bringing back a human for his vampire masters. I doubted Mom…Joyce had any idea what he was doing. Buffy might recognize it as the same instinct, but she wouldn’t say anything to either of them.

I gasped as the events of the night before rolled over me again. Jenny was dead.

I moaned low in my throat and curled up tighter. Dalton had unchained me before leaving but I had no desire to go anywhere. My friend had died because I hadn’t been able to stake Angelus when I had the chance. Jenny had cared for me. She’d understood me and made me feel better. She’d worried about me. And now she was gone. All because of me, because of the echo of a Sire bond I hadn’t even been able to feel at the time. I wanted to blame Angelus for breaking me, but I knew. I knew it was all me. I was Drusilla and Drusilla was useless. I wasn’t really the Slayer. If it’d been left to me last night Giles would have been dead as well.

Xander had sat with me that morning while I’d fallen asleep, but he had gone home during the afternoon to shower and get a change of clothes. He was a nice boy, with warm eyes, but he hadn’t really known what to say.

Spike would have known how to soothe me, but he didn’t belong to me anymore. While I grieved he’d taken Buffy upstairs to her perfect little bed and they’d gotten lost in each other. Xander obviously hadn’t been able to hear them, but I’d had to endure every grunt and moan.

I wasn’t bitter that they had each other, I was more jealous of the closeness. I’d never loved like that. Spike had given all of himself to me for very little in return. I hadn’t even realized how messed up it all was until I had Buffy’s borrowed soul to tell me. Now I had not only the guilt of my own evil to nip and worry at me, but all of his as well. He’d followed along behind me, believing if he did what I did or topped it that it would finally be the thing that would make me love him. Or at least that it would keep me by his side.

It had never worked like he wanted it to.

I didn’t begrudge Spike the love he found now. Hell knew he deserved the way Buffy looked at him like he hung the moon.  I just wished I didn’t feel so alone.

Above me the stars appeared, pushing down on me. I didn’t want to look. They’d only spell out bad things. I hid my face in my pillow, feeling their angry heat, and counting down the seconds until sundown.

I opened my eyes to the kitchen. It was full of people and noise.

Ugh, and I felt terrible.

Spike was looking at me, face worried, but as soon as he saw me blinking and the subtle changes in posture that said it was now me and not Buffy, he whirled away. He turned his back on me as he waited on Buffy to come upstairs.  I knew he wasn’t really mad at me and that he understood I had no choice with the switching, but it still stung. I wasn’t wanted. I was a three-legged dog he felt compelled to take care of but had little use for anymore.

“Hey.” Xander’s hand was warm on my arm. I turned a grateful smile towards him. “You doing okay, Dru? You look a little under the weather.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I’ve felt better but it won’t stop me from patrolling.” I had to go. I wouldn’t let Angelus kill one more person.

“Can you eat any dinner? Martha Stewart made spaghetti.” He nudged the plate towards me, but my middle felt like I’d already consumed a pile of bricks.

With a shake of my head I pushed the food away. “I can’t. I’ll just go grab some weapons and we can head out.”

Xander nodded and grabbed my elbow to steady me when I wobbled a little as I stood. What was wrong with me?

I glanced at Buffy and Spike as I walked past them, but they were wrapped up in each other with eyes for no one else.  Like usual, I’d already been forgotten.

****

We were wandering through a graveyard. I didn’t remember which one. Willow and Xander were eyeing me as I concentrated extremely hard on not stumbling over my own feet.

“Maybe we should head back,” Willow said, biting her lip. “I think Buffy and Spike were going to patrol as well and they probably feel a little less…”

“Dead?” Xander snorted.

“I wasn’t going to say that.”

Xander shot her a look.

“Okay, I totally was, but it just kind of slipped out.”

I tried to chuckle but it came out as a weak cough instead. “No,” I managed to wheeze out. “I want to make sure Angelus isn’t out here.” The words were hardly out of my mouth before a hard body clipped my side with a growl.

Oh crap. “Speak of the devil,” I mumbled. My hand tightened on a stake. I hadn’t felt him or the minion with him approaching. I must be way sicker than I’d thought.

Sick. Weak.

I whimpered. No. I couldn’t be like that again.

“Not feeling well? The boy keeping you up too late at night?” Angelus leered around his fangs.

I lashed out with a left hook and sent him reeling back. Only he didn’t go nearly as far as he should have. Xander and Willow were occupied by the minion. It must have been newly risen because they seemed to be having some luck. I swung at Angelus again as he swooped towards me and missed, badly.

He chuckled. “You’re off your game. Spike getting a nip in? You feeling a little anemic?”

“You don’t know anything!” I snarled. He caught my chin with a jab and I went down hard.  I tried to scramble backwards but my legs wouldn’t obey. Angelus grabbed the front of my blouse and pulled me upright. I teetered on my feet and all but hung from his fist. The stake I’d been holding slipped from my fingers.

Angelus was going to kill me. He’d done it once, but this time it’d be forever. Tears leaked down my cheeks. In that moment I wanted him to do it. Only…only…it wasn’t my body. It wasn’t my decision. I’d already let Angelus take too much from Buffy. I grabbed his wrist and tried to push him away.

“Tsk, tsk. None of that.” He kissed my neck.

I shook. It was too much. “No, Daddy. Please…not again.”

Angelus froze. “Dru?”

“Don’t hurt me, Daddy, don’t hurt your girl. I’ll be good.” I was babbling.

“Oh, this is rich!” Angelus dropped me and I landed in a heap on the ground. I curled up in a ball, the tears coming hard and fast. Angelus crouched down, pinning me to the dirt by my shoulders. “You and Buffy are switching bodies?”

I sobbed, too frightened to get the words out.

He shook me. “Answer me, Drusilla!”

“Yes. At night.”

“Night? Does that mean?” I saw the lightbulb go on. He started laughing. “It wasn’t even her. It was you. Well thank you, Drusilla, for relieving me of that pesky soul.” I flinched as he brought his face to hover right over mine. “So, is Willie poking you or the Slayer?” I looked away. “Oh, poor Dru. Passed over by the runt for a blonde with a perky set of tits. Not that I blame him.” He squeezed one of my breasts hard. From somewhere I found the strength to buck him off me.

He landed on his back and I tried to follow up with a series of punches. Only they landed with a lot less force than normal. With a snarl he rolled me back under him and wrenched my arms over my head. Something snapped in one arm and I screamed. His hand found my throat and darkness ate at the edges of my vision.

“Get away from her!” Xander yelled. Both he and Willow were there, shoving crosses into Angelus’ face. He jumped off me, snarled, and rushed off into the night. I tried to stand but my knees wouldn’t cooperate. I fell into the darkness.

****

I woke up freezing. I tried to sit up but was immediately pushed back.

“It’s okay honey, you’re in the hospital,” a kind voice said.

Hospital? No, I couldn’t be in a hospital. I did terrible things in hospitals. The blood ran in red rivers and the girls screamed. Was Spike there? Buffy would be so mad at me if I made him do something bad.

There was too much blood. I was drowning in it. I gasped and coughed. There were people talking but I couldn’t hear them. I thought they were reading a list of every horrible thing I’d done. A list of names of all the sons, daughters, moms, and dads that I’d killed. We’d be there forever. It was such a long, long list. 

Angelus had killed me and I’d gone to hell.

Buffy was going to be so mad at me.

I tried again to stand up. I had to find her and tell her I was sorry.

“Honey, stop struggling!” The voice was exasperated now, but I couldn’t do what it said. Buffy had to know I was sorry, that I hadn’t meant to get her killed.

“Ativan, 2 milligrams, STAT,” someone barked.

There was a pinch in the crook of my elbow and my mind slipped away.

****

“Drusilla?” There was a warm hand on my arm.

My mouth was absurdly dry. I had to try a couple of times before I was able to speak. “Xander?” I opened my eyes and tried to focus on his face. It was a lot harder than it should have been.

“Yeah, it’s me. Giles left to take Willow home.”

“Are you okay?” I whispered. I couldn’t remember everything that’d happened in the graveyard. Angelus had been there, but it was all really fuzzy.

“Yeah, Angelus didn’t hurt us. You scared the stuffing out of me, though. I couldn’t wake you up.” He ran a hand through his shaggy hair.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He made it sound like it really was. Like it wasn’t my fault that he’d been in danger.

“Am I still in the hospital?”

“Yeah, you’ve got the flu that’s been going around school.”

I started to sit up, I couldn’t be here. The room tilted crazily and I let out a soft cry.

“Whoa, where are you going?” Xander caught me by the shoulders.

“I can’t be here!” Panic welled up. Every atrocity I’d committed in a hospital or mental ward was threatening to come down on me like an avalanche. I couldn’t even hide in being Buffy anymore. Everyone knew I was Drusilla. Even me.

“Uh, yeah you can. You’re really sick, Dru.”

“I can’t be sick. I can’t be in a hospital!”

Xander must have seen something in my face. “Why not?”

I flopped down on my side and Xander lowered the side rail so we could easily see each other while he was sitting in the chair next to the bed.  “I…I do bad things in hospitals. No one fights back. Sometimes they feel so bad they welcome you with open arms.”

Xander sighed. “Dru…”

“Buffy’s going to be so upset with me if I hurt someone.”

He smiled lopsidedly. “You don’t feel like doing any of that stuff right now, do you?”

I frowned and tried to push the fear down enough to take stock. I wasn’t even hungry. Oh, and I was in Buffy’s body right now. “I guess not.” I started to relax.

“So you and fang boy used to hunt in hospitals?”

“I liked to.” I swallowed hard. Xander might not want to ever talk to me again, but I couldn’t pretend my past didn’t exist. If he couldn’t deal with what I’d been, what I maybe still was, then I’d have to do without him as a friend.

“And Spike?”

I screwed up my face. “He’d go along with anything I suggested. He tends to like a challenge, so it’s not something he’d probably choose on his own. Fish in a barrel isn’t really his style.”

Xander made a face.

“Anything evil William’s ever done is my fault.”

“I find that hard to believe. Spike’s a big boy, he can decide things for himself.” Xander slumped in his chair.

“It’s true.” I started picking at the lint on the thin hospital bedsheet. “He’d have done anything I said. Bad, good, anything. Now his heart belongs to Buffy. You don’t have to worry about him. As long as she’s letting him between her thighs he’ll follow her lead.”

“Drusilla! Like, Ew. Mental images I so did not need!” He jumped to his feet and started pacing. “Is there a way to scrub my brain with a Brillo pad?”

“Sorry,” I whispered. He continued pacing and muttering. He was a nice boy. I was nothing but a demon. I’d let the crude phrase slip without even thinking. My mother always said a lady had to watch what she said around a gentleman. But I was no lady…

The tears caught me by surprise.

Xander quickly came and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. “Dru, Dru-“ He took my hand. “What’s wrong?”

“I should have listened to my mother,” I wailed.

“About what?”

“Everything. How to be a lady. That good girls don’t say bad things, that they don’t see the future, not if they want a boy to like them.”

“Oh, Dru.” He ran his thumb back and forth across my knuckles. “Shhh. It’s okay. You just took me by surprise. You know kids today. I hear way worse walking down the hall in school every day. It just, uh, made me feel a little weird with you being in Buffy’s body right now.” He smiled. “Hey, did Buffy ever tell you about the time last year that Principal Snyder made us all be in the talent show?”

I shook my head and let him change the topic. Xander started in on the story. Soon he had me giggling through my tears, especially when he stood up and acted out some of the scene they’d done. I laughed until I started coughing.

Xander sat down on the edge of the bed again and patted my back. “You should probably get some rest.” I nodded and we lapsed into comfortable silence.

The stars came back, hovering over us, but this time they weren’t upset. I rolled over and watched as they sparkled and shifted into a girl and boy dancing a waltz. I found Xander’s hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. “The stars are dancing,” I told him, smiling at the pretty picture they made.

“Round and round?” he asked.

“Round and round and round.” I squeezed his hand. Xander was good to me. I knew that the stars weren’t really there, that we were inside, but that didn’t change the fact that I saw them. Spike would sometimes lose patience with me and snap that they weren’t there, or smile at me in an ‘indulge the crazy lady’ way. Xander just accepted that his reality and my reality weren’t always the exact same thing. The star-girl was wearing such a pretty dress. “I’d like a beautiful dress.”

Xander cleared his throat and I glanced over at him. He was blushing slightly, the tips of his ears an adorable shade of pink. “What about the one with the double row of gold buttons down the front? I like that one.”

“I like that one, too.”

I kept hold of his hand while I fell asleep. He was such a nice boy. He saw me and that made me feel like maybe I wasn’t completely alone.

****

_Monday, March 2, 1998_

I missed the notebook. It’d been nice to know what was going on. Like why, when sundown hit, I blinked into Buffy’s body to find Mom staring daggers at her…me.

“Drusilla?” she asked with a wavering voice.

“Yes. What’s wrong?”

Mom settled her hands on her hips. “You’ll tell me the truth, right?”

“Absolutely!” Why would she think I would lie?

“Are Buffy and Spike having sex?”

I blinked. Had she been living under a rock? “Well, yeah, of course.” I shrugged a shoulder.

Mom threw up her hands. “Tell Buffy I’m waiting for her in her room.”

“Sure.” I watched her march off. What bee had gotten into her bonnet?


	29. Who you Gonna Call?

You talk about the world like it's someplace that you've been

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Broadway”

****

_Monday, March 2, 1998_

I sat on the vanity stool in my room while my mom paced back and forth. I’d hoped that being in Drusilla’s body would maybe make this easier for her, but apparently not.

“Mom?” I finally asked when she seemed to have no other plans besides wearing a hole in the carpet. She stopped and turned to look at me, arms crossed. “Uh, what did you want to talk about?” I cringed a little at my own words. I probably wasn’t going to get any brownie points playing innocent.

My mother’s gaze narrowed. “What do you think I want to talk to you about?”

Crap. Classic parenting move. Well, I’d already started down the dumb road, so I might as well keep it up. “I have no clue.”

My mom sighed. She uncrossed her arms, let them hang at her side for a moment, then crossed them again. “How long?”

Uh, what? My jaw dropped open. Not the question I’d been expecting. Also, it’s not like I’d had a ruler handy at any point. I could probably guesstimate since I knew about how wide my palm was.  “Well, er…” I spluttered.

“How long have you been sleeping with that man?”

Oh, thank god. That was much easier to answer. “Valentine’s Day.”

Mom pinched the bridge of her nose. “I…just…I…how?”

“How?” I squeaked. My mind raced. Did she mean that time? All the times? Was she making a list? Or was this some vamp physiology question? Mom was staring expectantly at me. “Uh, in the normal way, I guess?”

My mom blushed tomato red. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh.” It was strange to see Mom looking so uncomfortable. It dawned on me that she was super weirded out by this. Maybe she’d expected me to be a nun?  Sister Slayer? I had to remember that one to tell Xander. We totally cracked ourselves up over made-up 80s band names. And I needed to focus. “Mom, maybe you better explain to me exactly what you meant by how?”

“You’re seventeen.”

Duh.

She sighed and hung her head. “I’m sorry I didn’t have this conversation with you sooner. A lot sooner. I imagined I’d have to, well, vaguely describe the mechanics to you-“

I snickered. I didn’t mean to. I really, really didn’t. It’s just…Spike…and the idea of my mom describing sexual mechanics. Those things combined to give me a really hilarious mental picture.

“Buffy.” My mom warned. Her lips were a bloodless line. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from laughing. This was all so absurd.

“Look, Mom-“ I took a deep breath. “I’m not quite sure what you want from me right now. I’m not going to apologize, because I don’t think I have anything to be sorry for. You didn’t have the birds and bees talk with me ages ago for whatever reason—because you were embarrassed, or you believed I was too young for it—that doesn’t matter now. I obviously don’t need a lecture on sexual mechanics and we learned about protection in school. Though I kind of bypassed all of that by dating a dead guy. He can’t carry diseases or get me pregnant. And really, Mom, when I brought him home and introduced him to you like: ‘Hey! Here’s my more than a century old vampire boyfriend who calls himself Spike!’ What did you think we did together? Play checkers?”

Mom was snorting air in through her nose in a rather scary way, like a cartoon bull. “So he’s been raping my underage daughter for weeks under my own roof?” She was livid.

“Raping me?” I said dumbly. Where the hell had that come from?

She jabbed a finger in my direction. “As I said, you’re seventeen. In the state of California, you cannot legally consent until you’re eighteen.”

“Um, I’d think I’d know if it was rape or not. Shouldn’t that be a decision I get to make?”

Something in my face and voice brought her up short. “Buffy, is there something you need to tell me?”

I didn’t want to tell her. Only I did. I knew if I asked Spike he’d say to come clean. I swallowed my pride.

“On my birthday.” I had to stop and take a deep breath. “At night, so technically Drusilla was in my body, right?” I waited until Mom nodded that she understood. “Angel pressured Dru into having sex with him. I don’t think she really wanted to, but he’s her Sire and she really didn’t know how to fight him or say no.” I looked at my nails, painted a springtime sky blue. Dru must have done that. I would have picked blood red. My mom was standing there, wide eyed and staring. In a small voice I added: “He wasn’t very gentle with her, either. I hurt pretty bad the morning after.”

My mom sat down hard on the edge of the bed. “This Angel, he’s the vampire that left the heart on the doorstep and murdered Ms. Calendar, isn’t he?”

I nodded.

“I’m…I’m going to kill him. Oh, Buffy-“ She held her arm out to me and in my haste to get to her I stumbled and half fell onto the bed. Mom wrapped her arms around me and pulled me so I was sitting flush against her. She didn’t even balk at the fact that I was cold and pulseless. It was the first time I felt like she truly saw me inside Dru’s body.

I murmured reassurance to her. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” my mom sobbed. I didn’t even try to answer that one. She knew. Tenderly she ran her hand over my hair again and again. After a few minutes her crying tapered off. “I’m sorry. I should have known.”

“It’s alright. You’re not psychic.”

“I’m still your mom. Even if I seem to be living in denial-land at the moment.” She sniffed and wiped her face with her sleeve. “I guess asking you to not…sleep with your boyfriend isn’t really a solution, is it?”

I groaned. “Mom, I love him. You can say whatever you want to me about puppy love or that I won’t know anything until I’m older. Just remember I’m probably not going to get to have an ‘older’.”

Mom paled and I felt like a big ole meanie for having reminded her about the Slayer expiration date.

“This is probably my one and only chance at love, and I’m greedy. I want it all, including the physical stuff, in case tomorrow doesn’t get here for me.” Thanks to my vampiric hearing I knew Spike, who’d been eavesdropping this whole time because he was a dork like that, had gotten up and started pacing. He wasn’t going to be able to stay out of the conversation much longer.

My mom visibly deflated. “I’m going to say I rather you didn’t, but I’m not going to tell you to stop, or to stay away from him, or kick him out. I am going to ask that you two continue to keep it circumspect.”

I nodded. Check. No loud boinking in the livingroom bare-ass naked while my mom was home. Or ever, really. We’d have to move the coffee table and that sounded too much like work.

Mom smiled uncomfortably at me. “I do have one more question…with the body switching…”

“Oh, god, no. My body with me in it only. Period.”

She looked greatly relieved and hugged me tightly again. “Buffy, I’m here for you. If you need to talk about anything, especially what happened with-“ She broke off swallowed hard. “What happened on your birthday...”

“I’m okay. Spike’s helped a lot with that.”

Mom’s brow creased, but she nodded and stood up. With a sigh she let herself out of the room. I could hear Spike’s boots on the stairs. There was a pause as my mom and he passed each other. I imagined some very awkward looks happening between the two of them, but after a few seconds they continued on their separate ways with no words spoken.

Spike poked his head into the room. “You doing okay, luv?”

“Yeah. That was strange.”

“It could have been worse. She didn’t yell or declare war on yours truly.”

“That’s because she knows what side I’d pick.”

Spike beamed. For a cocky jerk he could be so vulnerable sometimes. A little ego stroking went a long way with him.

“I’ve got something for you.” He said, looking sly and sticking his hands into the pockets of his coat.

I gave him a pained look. “That sounded like the worst pick up line ever. And if that’s the case it needs to wait until after sunrise.”

He chuckled. “Give me some credit.” He pulled one hand out his jacket. Lying on his palm was the brush from the factory. I hadn’t seen it since we’d fled and figured it’d been left behind to burn.

I gave a very unladylike squeal and hurried to sit at the vanity. Tilting my head back I shook out my thick, dark hair so it cascaded down my back. Spike, smiling smugly, sauntered over until he stood behind me. The first sweep of the bristles against my scalp made me moan.

Spike took a ragged breath. “Just a brushing for now, pet. But in the morning let’s do it again, yeah? With all that sunlight you call hair.”

I wiggled a little under his so-good-they-had-to-be-evil ministrations. “Uh, sure. That sounds like a plan.”

“You could be naked,” he said hopefully.

“Sure, I could be…wait, what?”

****

_Monday, March 16, 1998_

“Do you think Demi Moore might show up?” Xander asked. I kicked him under the lunchroom table. “Hey, it’s a reasonable question.”

I glared.

“Not when you’re half-way dating Dru it’s not,” Willow said, toying with the apple on her tray.

“What? I can still look. She totally checked out a male nurse’s butt while she was in the hospital.”

“There’s no way of getting through to him on this,” I told Willow. “So, ghosts.”

She shrugged. “I was way cooler on Halloween, and I didn’t make anyone do anything they didn’t want to.”

“Let’s run over what we have so far.”

We went through everything that’d happened, from the teacher being killed by a disappearing gun, to Xander being choked by an apparent nothing in his locker, to me seeing the teacher and student dancing together in the music room. I wanted to pass judgment on them and their relationship. It was wrong. But…I’d seen their faces. They’d been so in love. My chest constricted.

“Hey, earth to Buffy, are you okay over there?” Xander snapped his fingers in front of my face.

“What? Yeah. I’m just thinking about how happy they looked in each other’s arms, and how that ended in tragedy because it wasn’t a relationship society said was okay.”

“They’re not you and Spike, Buffy. You two are about as secret as an air raid siren.” Willow twisted a lock of hair around her finger. “Hey, there’s Giles.”

My Watcher’s mouth was pulled down into a deep frown. 

“What’s up G-man?” Xander tilted his chair back.

“I just had a rather disturbing call from Drusilla.”

We waited patiently while Giles did his best to collect himself. “It seems, well, she had a vision. The presence here is not Jenny.” We’d told him that, but he’d wanted to believe so badly that Ms. Calendar was trying to contact him from beyond the grave that he hadn’t listened. At least Dru had gotten through to him. “She told me there were only the two ghosts, James and Miss Newman, trying to find peace, and that the vision showed you and her walking into the school tonight over and over again. She was rather adamant that this was something that had to happen.”

“Well, it makes sense.” Willow set her apple down with a thunk. “If it’s Dru and Buffy there’s no guy to play James’ part so they’ll be safe. They can figure out a way to get the ghosts gone. Though I’m not quite sure how to do that-“

“Salt!” Xander yelped.

“Huh?” I turned to him.

He dropped the salt shaker he’s been using. “There’s bugs in the salt!”

The entire cafeteria erupted into screams as the food transformed into snakes and bugs. We ran with everyone else.

I was so going to kick the ghosts’ invisible asses. I already hated the cafeteria food and now I was going to have nightmares about it. Panting, I stopped and turned back in time to watch a cloud of buzzing hornets surround Sunnydale High. Great. I guessed school was out for the day.

Which meant I could go home early.

And wake up my vampire.

My lips curled up into a smile. Why thank you, James and Miss Newman, thank you very much.

****

The sun hadn’t been down long when Dru and I headed towards good ole Sunnydale High. Spike had been less than excited about us going alone, but with Angelus laying low lately and knowing that Dru had foreseen it he finally relented. I was pretty sure he’d follow us sooner or later.

“Do you have much experience with ghosts?” I asked. It was kind of awkward to be alone with her. It was also weird to have to deal so much with my own body when I wasn’t in it. She was wearing jeans and a pink baby doll t-shirt that said “TASTY” on the front. I didn’t remember buying it and I guessed she’d picked it out at some point. I probably appeared to be checking out her ass because I couldn’t decide if straight legged jeans made my butt look fat or not.

“Not really. I’ve seen them around but haven’t had to do much with them.”

“Okay,” was my articulate reply.

We walked for a few minutes in silence.

“How are things with you and Spike?” she asked, scanning the bushes of the house we were passing and sounding for all the world like she was asking about the weather. I knew better. Loaded question much?

“Uh, we’re good.” A smile tugged at my lips. We’d been very good that afternoon, very, very good.

Drusilla chuckled. “I’m sure.” She paused for a heartbeat. “You know, I could tell you a thing or two, about what he likes.”

I gulped. I so didn’t want to hear this…or I was desperate to ask. I couldn’t decide.

“I have a list,” I confessed.

“A list of what?”

“Uh, sex type stuff. That I want to do before I die. Maybe you could, like, tell me some things to add to that.”

Dru crossed her arms. “I could do that. I...just…I don’t us to be awkward, Buffy. I’m not really jealous, but I miss being the center of someone’s world.”

“He does make me feel like that,” I said in a small voice. It was a lot, intense, and I loved every second of it.

“Yeah, the difference is, you do the same with him. He walks in the room and you light up.”

I didn’t know how to answer that. “What about you and Xander?“ I fired back, wanting to change the topic.

“I like him, but…”

“But what?”

“We’re so different. I don’t know if he wants someone that needs to be put back together.”

I snorted. “Xander likes making things. Don’t squish it because you think he might not want to help you.”

She looked thoughtful. “I think you might be right. I’m so much older than you and I feel like you know a whole lot more about people than I do.”

“Maybe.” My eyes slid over to her. “So…I kinda want to, maybe, know some things.”

Dru giggled. “Ask away.”

“Hmm, okay.” I bit my lip. “When Spike was mad at me he tied me up and I kind of, uh-“

“Liked it?” She grinned.

“Yeah, even though it wasn’t really the appropriate response at the time. I want to, I mean, I wouldn’t mind-“

“You want to ask for it?”

“How can I do that and not look like a creep?”

Dru grinned wolfishly. “Oh, honey, you have so much to learn.”

Ten minutes later I realized my checklist was about to get a whole lot longer.

****

The school felt lonely. Our footsteps clunked loudly in the dark. Dru’s breathing seemed to echo back at me from everywhere, covering up other, fainter, noises and I was seriously tempted to ask her to stop for a least a little while. It was easier to ignore her heartbeat.

The hallways were empty and lifeless.

Dru’s hand was hot in mine as our fingers intertwined. Her warmth, really my warmth, I remind myself, felt like a living candle flame beside me. The general state of unease meant that I couldn’t help it when my face crunched and the demon emerged. I could see better and some of the creeping dread drained away. I’d seen the ghosts in the music room so I tugged at Dru’s arm and headed that way.

‘I wish my boyfriend was here… ’ was my last thought before something invaded my mind. Me and the demon found ourselves pushed aside. I had no control, but I could still see and hear everything. It was terrifying. My features remained those of the vampire. The thing hitching a piggyback in my brain obviously didn’t know how to control the switch. Dru halted and yanked roughly on my arm so I was forced to turn and face her.

“You’re the only one. The only person I can talk to.”

Uh, okay. Feelings that didn’t belong to me seeped into my awareness. Love, fear and an aching desire for connection threatened to overwhelm me.

Dru’s face twisted with anger. “You can’t make me disappear because you say it’s over!”

I wished I could just say it was over. I was so tired of the switching, so…hey! We were possessed. So much for thinking we would be safe from the ghosts because we were both girls.

Geeze, the love I was feeling that belonged to Mrs. Newman was really strong. It made me want to get out a yard stick of some kind and compare it to the heart stopping, all consuming things I felt for my guy. Only I hated that I was being forced to feel these things that weren’t mine at all. I mentally pouted at yet again losing control of my very being. So not cool. And why was Dru James and me Miss Newman? Did Drusilla feel like she’d killed me? Or maybe killed who I was or who I could have been?

Dang it. I couldn’t even tell her that I was really fine with how things have turned out. I was the first Slayer with an inside scoop. Plus, I was the one that’d killed her way-old relationship with Spike. Didn’t that count for something? And she’d better believe I’d hang on to him with tooth and nail. Literally, if necessary.

My mouth opened. “I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that- don’t you see?” Gee, a vampire and a Slayer. There’d be no normal for either one of us, ever.

“I don’t give a damn about a normal life. I’m going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute.”

The demonic essence in me gave a shiver. It believed Dru was talking to it now. I don’t know, maybe she was. It was her freaking demon after all.

I felt my body tense to flee. “I know. But…it’s over. It has to be.” I turned and ran down the second floor hallway.

Dru caught me and spun me back around. “You don’t care anymore? Is that it?” she snarled.

Well no, of course I cared about her. This was all very confusing. Drusilla had been my other half for most of a year. When we were no longer switching I was going to miss her something fierce. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I feel!” That was untrue. Lots of people, including Drusilla, cared about how I felt. This ghost thing was getting ridiculous. I could feel Miss Newman’s sentiments and even some of her thoughts, I couldn’t stop getting her feelings twisted up with my own life’s messy mix of emotions.

Dru shook me. “Then tell me you don’t love me. Say it!”

“Will that help? Is that what you have to hear?” Tears were running down my cheeks. “I don’t. I don’t. Now let me go!” Wow, Miss Newman was a terrible liar. Only I could see by the look on Dru’s face that she—no James—believed it. Ugh, men.

“No! A person doesn’t just wake up one day and stop loving somebody.” Drusilla raised her arm, a pistol clutched in her fist. Oh man. This was going to suck. And I was feeling weird. Was she talking about Spike? If you asked me he still loved her, but he didn’t want to be a vampire power couple anymore with her. And she’d said she never loved him, not how he’d wanted, anyway. “Love is forever.”

Was she looking for an argument?

“I’m not afraid to use it. I swear. If I can’t be with you…”

“Oh my God!” The thing controlling my body turned to run again. Dumb, lady, like you’re going to out run a bullet. Or love, for that matter. I wonder what part of Miss Newman got shot? Maybe Dru wanted to stay in my body? Could she effect the magical out-of-thin-air gun? What if it had wooden bullets? If I was dead would she pretend to be me? Surely Spike would be able to tell the difference?

I gave myself a mental shake. I needed to stop it. Drusilla loved me as a sister and I loved her the same way. No matter what that wasn’t going anywhere.

“Don’t walk away from me, bitch!” Dru called from behind me. It sounded less than threatening in my voice, even twisted as it was with James’ rage. I burst out onto the second story balcony with Dru, blonde hair flying, right behind me. “Stop! I mean it. Don’t make me-”

I turned, hand up. “All right. Just…You know you don’t want to do this. Let’s both just calm down. Give me the gun.” Oh, way to go Miss Newman. You’d think she’d never been around a teenage guy before. I wonder if they ever actually screwed. Where would you go to do it back in those days? I thought of Spike’s big car. Wasn’t it from the 50s? Plenty of room in there.

I pushed against the mental bonds, tiring of this game. I felt done. With everything. Let me stop switching. I wanted my boyfriend to take me for a drive in his stupid car to wherever kids went, I’d have to ask Cordy exactly where, to make out. It’d have to be a night and…

“Don’t talk to me like I’m some dumb-“

The gunshot was really loud and it hurt ripping through me. Dru looked surprised, then everything wavered. There was a boy standing there, looking horrified. I tried to reach for him, but there was blood all over my dress. I started falling.

I didn’t remember the landing. Only that I woke up feeling confused and in pain. There was somewhere I needed to be. I could hear music. It was our song. James. I needed to go find James. I dusted off my dress and hurried to find him. It was surprisingly easy to run up the stairs after being shot, and I was glad I ran, because I entered the music room just as James was putting the gun to his head. “Don’t do this,” I whispered.

“Grace? But I killed you.”

“It’s not your fault. It was an accident.” Things happen and lives change.

James looked away. “It is my fault. How could I let this-“

“I’m the one who should be sorry, James. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath.”  I…Slayer…I was the Slayer. I loved being the Slayer, didn’t I? James was crying and I cupped his cheek in my hand. “Shh. No more tears.” I leaned in and kissed him.

With a shudder and the whisper of wings Grace’s spirit was gone. There was a lingering light in the room and I was kissing Drusilla. I was kissing my own body. It wasn’t awful, but there was no passion in it. At least I wasn’t vamped out anymore.

“Well, isn’t this adorable!”

Dru and I sprung apart.

“No, by all means, do continue.” Angelus leered at us. “I was enjoying the show.”

I couldn’t quite process what I was seeing. Angelus, in the same room as Dru and me. I was cold with terror. Dru was turning her head left and right, probably desperately looking for something to serve as a stake. Attempting to be subtle, I shifted my feet so they were braced and brought my fists up so that I was in a loose fighting stance. He was one vamp. I could handle one vamp. The sickly feel of the Sire bond tried to ooze its way over me, but I set my teeth and shrugged it off. I wasn’t Drusilla and he wasn’t anything to me but dust waiting to happen.

“Now, now, Buffy,” Angelus tutted, waving a finger at me. “None of that. You should know I wouldn’t risk coming here without a little insurance.”

My stomach dropped. He’d called me Buffy.

Angelus’ lips quirked. “Aww, what’s that hang dog expression for? Did my little girl not tell you that she let your secret slip?”

My eyes went to Dru. Her face was pale and stricken. “I didn’t…I don’t remember doing that.”

“But we had so much fun! You called me Daddy and I grabbed your tit before you passed out. I could do it again, see if it jogs your memory.”

Dru took an involuntary step back. Then her shoulders squared. “No. I won’t let you do this. I am not your thing.” Dru moved so she was shoulder to shoulder with me. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I really don’t remember saying anything to him. It must have been when I was sick.”

“It’s okay, totally not your fault.” I believed her without a doubt.

Drusilla shook out her arms and raised her fists, a near perfect copy of my own stance. “You made a mistake coming here, Angelus. We can, and will, stop you.”

He laughed and leaned one arm on top of the upright piano. “Oh, I’m shaking.” He held up a hand and quivered it in demonstration. “Didn’t you two hear when I said I got insurance?”

“I don’t see anything!” I said. There was a set of wooden drumsticks resting on top of a snare to my right. I couldn’t look right at them, but they were now the most important things in the room.

Angelus reached into his pocket and pulled out a misshapen bundle of twigs, thread, and wilted flowers. It smelled funny, like old piss.

I snorted. “What the hell is that supposed to be?”

Dru’s hand snaked out and grabbed my arm. “Spell bundle,” she hissed.

“Bingo!” Angelus smirked. He hoped up to sit on top of the piano. “I bet you’ll never guess what it’s for.”

Me and Dru glanced at each other and shrugged.

“Quit playing games,” Dru ground out.

“But I thought you liked my games?” He pouted. “Now Dru, why don’t you come and sit on Daddy’s lap and I’ll tell you all about it.”

I felt Drusilla shudder beside me. Slowly she took a step towards him. Then another.

“That’s my girl,” he cooed. Horrified, I almost missed her cue. One second she was sliding her feet reluctantly forward and the next she was darting to the side and tossing a cymbal like a discus at Angelus’ head. He ducked and rolled off the piano. I scrambled over a chair and grabbed at the drumsticks. One rolled to the floor but I stood up with the other clenched in my fist like a stake.

Angelus was on his feet, chuckling. “Clever. You’re like those smart dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.” He held up the bundle. “But, clever girls, I’m the one with all the power here.”

“Don’t think so, mate.” A crossbow bolt whizzed past me and Angelus narrowly avoided being skewered. Spike frowned and methodically went about reloading the bow.

“Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute now, Willie. I’ve got a little story to tell.” Angelus put the bulk of the piano between him and us.  “And I guarantee you’re going to want to hear it.”

Spike eyed the spell bundle Angelus’ was holding. “Make it quick.” He leveled the crossbow at Angelus but didn’t fire.

“He knows about the switching,” I blurted, not wanting Spike to get broadsided by that.

Angelus tutted. “Buffy, you’re going to spoil the story.”

“Talk.”  Dru was holding a second cymbal, her nails clicking lightly on the brass as she drummed her fingers impatiently against it.

“After I found out about your little, shall we say, condition, I went hunting for answers. And I found them.”

“We’ve been looking for more than a month with no luck. What made you so special?” I was seriously ticked. I’d been wanting out of the switching so badly and it was stupid Angelus that figured out what was up? Not cool.

“Dark magic,” Spike spat.

“And not just mine. I hired a fellow, heck of a sorcerer, to track down the root cause. Turns out it was here in the hormone laden halls of the school this whole time, tucked away in the back of a mousy little girl’s locker. Before she died…and I’m sure you’ll notice she’s gone tomorrow, or maybe not, she wasn’t very memorable. She even tasted bland. Anyway, before I ripped her throat out she told me all about the crush she had on the one of the stars of the Sunnydale High football team.” He put his hand over his mouth and gave a fake, girlish giggle.

I felt sick. Another classmate lost. Another failure on my part.

“How does this have anything to do with us?” Dru asked.

“Well, it turns out Mousy was quite resourceful and had some latent power. See, Mr. Oh-so-dreamy already had a girlfriend and wouldn’t even look twice at Mousy. So she’d thought she’d get a taste of his down-home all-American lovin’ by switching places with his slutty girlfriend. She spent a little cash at the local magic story and whipped up a spell. She was going to activate the charm-“ Angelus held up the bundle in his hand, “during the football game the Friday after Parent-Teacher Night. Only it didn’t work so she tossed it into her locker and went back to sulking and writing stories about Mulder and Scully making out.”

“It worked,” I breathed. I couldn’t believe some poor girls longing for what she couldn’t have had led to months of my switching bodies with Dru.

“How the sodding hell did we set it off?”

I glanced over my shoulder. “I have no idea, but we did bang into some lockers while we were fighting. I guess dumb luck.”

“Good luck,” Spike said, though he didn’t take his gaze off Angelus.

“Aren’t you two cute.” Angelus rolled his eyes. “I bet you argue about who loves the other more and tell each other that forever isn’t long enough.”

“I hate you!” Dru barked. Angelus’ gaze slid to her. “I hate what you did to me, what you did to Spike, what you tried to do to Buffy. Love is real.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Love is real and you broke me until I didn’t believe that. You cursed me to years of believing that.” She threw the cymbal in her hand at him and it caught him in the shoulder.

Angelus grunted in pain and shied away from an advancing Dru. A crossbow bolt left his ear bloody. I headed around the other side of the piano, drumstick held high.

“Idiots!” Angelus yelled. “I break this charm and what do you think will happen?”

We froze. I didn’t want to be a vampire forever. I’d told Spike it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever, and it wouldn’t, because eventually I’d forget about being human. How long would it be before a cute guy looked like dinner instead of date? How long before I didn’t care if his family cried over his drained body? And Spike would follow me down. He wasn’t killing because I didn’t want him to. One sign from me that it was okay and he’d be back to eating the happy meals on legs.

Oh, god. I couldn’t be thinking about that right now.

Angelus slipped around the edges of the music room, heading for the door.

Spike stepped into his path and held one hand out, keeping the crossbow aimed with the other. “Hand it over and you don’t dust.”

“Right.” Angelus looked from him to the door and took one more stride towards it. Spike pushed the tip of the arrow against the other vampire’s chest. “Okay, okay.” Angelus put his hand up. He slowly stretched out the one with the charm. Spike reached for it, and the arrow moved away from Angelus’ heart. I wasn’t breathing, or blinking. Drusilla’s heart was tripping along like a freight train.

Angelus tipped his hand over too soon and the charm fell to the floor. Without thinking Spike dove after it. “Oops,” Angelus said, and his black boot landed square atop the bundle of twigs, smashing it to pieces with a loud crack.

I could smell the magic as it released. Spike was on his knees, staring. Angelus took off running through the door.

I looked over at Drusilla, and her eyes mirrored my own dread.

The pain started, licking along every nerve. I screamed.

“Buffy!” I could barely hear Spike franticly calling to me. “Buffy!”


	30. Alligators on PCP

How could I have been the one?

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Black Balloon”

****

_Monday, March 16, 1998_

Stop the world, I wanted off. Or to barf. I could really go for barfing.

My head hurt and everything was spinning. I was being carried by a much too warm someone and it was making me overheated. All my insides were in knots and everything seemed wrong. I was dizzy, miserable, and my eyelids wouldn’t work.

The darkness of unconsciousness reached for me again and this time I welcomed it.

****

I woke up on a familiar soft surface. My bed. I was home in my bed. I reached my arms and legs out, panic flaring when I realized I was alone. I snapped my eyes open. The room was dark, light spilling in from the hallway. It had to still be night.

Where was Spike? Why had he left me?

I sat upright and scrambled to the edge of the mattress, my limbs shaking with the effort.

“Hey, wait a minute, Flash, let me help you.” Xander sat next to me on the bed and put an arm around my shoulders. I leaned against him, my muscles continuing to tremble. My heart was pounding in my chest.

My heart was pounding.

I held my hands up. Those were my fingers and tanned skin. It was night and I was in my own body.

I was elated for two seconds until I remembered Spike wasn’t there. The spell had been broken. Oh. Oh no. I wasn’t a vampire at all any longer. Maybe that’d been more important to him than I’d realized. What if…what if he didn’t want just regular, school-girl me? My teeth clicked together as I shook harder.

Xander wrapped the quilt around me and rubbed my arms. “It’s okay, you’ll warm up in a second.”

“I want my boyfriend,” I managed to say around my shivering. What was wrong with me? I wasn’t even cold. I felt all strung out, scared, and unwanted. Spike hadn’t even waited around to make sure I was okay.

“What was that?” Xander leaned closer.

My face scrunched up. Great. Now I was shaking and crying. I took a deep breath. “I want my boyfriend!” I sobbed.

“Buffy?”

“What?” I was miserable.

Xander stood up and put both his hands on my shoulders. “Wait right here.” He gave me a squeeze and was gone. Where the heck did he think I was going to go? Breathing felt like it was taking too much effort. I toppled over, my face in my pillow. That was a mistake. Even to my human nose it smelled of Spike. Fresh sobs wracked my body.

I jumped when the bedroom door banged all the way open. A cool, hard body landed on top of mine.

“Buffy?” Spike’s voice rumbled against my ear. I nodded. I wanted to be mad at him, because where had he been? But instead I just cried more. He sat up and pulled me into his lap, cradling me against him. “Luv, are you okay? You’re trembling like a leaf.”

“I feel terrible and you weren’t here.”

“We thought you’d still be switched.” He was awkwardly trying to brush the tears from my cheeks with the edge of the sheet. Ah. That made sense. Poor Spike, he’d probably been sitting beside Dru’s body trying to figure out what to say when I woke up and learned I was going to be a vampire forever.

My tears were stuttering to a stop. “I must look horrible.” I tried to bring my hand up to finger-comb my hair.

“You look amazing.” He pressed kisses to my face, ending with a lingering one to my lips. I’d stopped crying but I was still shivering.

“I think I need to sleep.” Surely that’d make me feel better? Spike started to put me down and my fingers grasped the leather of his sleeve. “Don’t leave. Please, don’t leave.”

“Shh, kitten. I’m not going anywhere. Just give me a sec to get my coat off.”

“Oh.”

I sat ensconced in my quilt, watching as he shrugged his duster and button down off, laying them over the vanity stool, and toed off his boots. With some difficulty I pulled off my own shirt and undid my jeans.

“Lay back.” I did and Spike gently tugged off my pants, leaving them in a heap beside the bed.

“Can I have your shirt?” I asked timidly. He didn’t even blink, just stripped it off and handed it to me. I sat up long enough to slip it over my head. It swallowed me, but it felt right. I hadn’t worn his shirt to sleep in since the factory. It was like a piece of me falling into place.

Spike unwound the quilt from around my exhausted body and straightened it out. The bedframe creaked as he crawled onto the mattress next to me. Settling in, he pulled me so we were spooned tight together. My emotions were going haywire. It was nighttime. I was in my own body, in my own bed, and Spike was curled up against me. He was a solid presence behind me. He wasn’t breathing, but the slight twitch of his hand against me let me know he wasn’t asleep.

I circled my fingers against the back of his wrist, the hair rough under my fingers. The muscles in his forearm flexed in response to my touch. I felt safe. Gradually, I stopped trembling and Spike relaxed, his arm becoming heavier on top of me.

“Tell me again,” I whispered.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

****

_Tuesday, March 17 th, 1998_

Mom had called from the gallery and asked Dalton to make me one of my favorite dinners: pork chops with applesauce, mashed potatoes, and a green salad. There were rolls as well. It all smelled beyond good.

It was a ‘congratulations, you’re no longer switching bodies with a vampire’ dinner of sorts and my mom made a big to do over not sitting down at the dining room table until after the sun had set.

“How’s it feel?” Mom asked.

“Weird, good. I’m thrilled to just be me now, but at the same time it feels wrong. That time will always be a part of me. I can’t go back to not knowing how it feels to be a vampire from the inside out.” Heck, I even missed the demon. It’s not like we got to say goodbye.

Dalton bustled in from the kitchen carrying two plates piled high with food. He placed one in front of my mom and the other before me with a flourish. I looked up just as Dalton pulled his hand away and met Spike’s eyes. They were narrowed and his jaw was clenched, the little muscle there pulsating. He stalked over to the table, pulled out the chair next to me, and sprawled himself into it. Dalton’s finely honed sense of self-preservation kicked in and he backed quickly away before stammering something about cake and fleeing into the kitchen.

My mom appeared thoroughly confused as Spike reached over and plunked a finger down on my plate, scooting it over until it was in front of him. He picked up my knife and fork and proceeded to cut up my pork chop into bite-sized pieces. He stabbed a piece, dredged it through the applesauce and held it out to me.

“Mashed potatoes too,” I said. He complied and held the fork back out for me to take the bite. Just like at the hospital, he was methodical about feeding me. It wasn’t an attempt on his part to be seductive or something like that. My mom sat and ate her own dinner with an extremely befuddled look on her face.

Spike continued until I’d eaten everything and drank my entire glass of milk. Then, without a word, he picked up the dirty dishes and dumped them in the sink with a clatter. The back door slammed and I assumed he’d gone out on the porch to have a smoke.

“Buffy, what the hell was that?” Mom asked.

“Erm, vampire stuff…”

My mom crossed her arms. “I’m going to need more of an explanation than that, missy.”

Okay, because it was all so clear in my own mind. I gulped. “I think Spike’s a little freaked because I’m not switching with Dru anymore. In her body I needed him to take care of me and even if it was only a subconscious thing on my part, he would have still felt the Sire bond that said we were family.” My mom looked completely lost, but I forged ahead anyway. “So there’s not the obvious vampiric stuff linking us now. I feel the loss, too. It’s a little like the floor has gone from being concrete to soft sand. I think what I’m standing on is stable, but I can’t easily tell anymore. And food is a huge vampire thing. So seeing Dalton basically feeding me would have set off a ton of instincts and emotions and I think Spike actually did a pretty good job of keeping a lid on it. Literally putting the food in my mouth was his way of saying: ‘you’re my girl and I can take care of you’. “

My mom blinked.

“I’m just not quite sure how to let him know everything’s okay. How do I say it back?” I was worried there might be unknown quicksand under my feet.

“I can’t quite wrap my head around the vam…va...supernatural elements, but I do know one sure way to a man’s heart.” Mom leaned across the table conspiratorially.  The back door banged back open and Spike sulked through the house to the living room, flipped on the TV, and turned the volume up. My mom sighed. “C’mon, I’ll show you.” My mom headed to the kitchen and I trailed after her.

Dalton’s head whipped around when I entered the room and he fled down the stairs to the basement as soon as it became apparent I wasn’t going anywhere. Poor guy. I’d have to apologize to him later. There was a cookbook open on the counter and the oven was on, obviously he’d been planning to make something.

“So what’re we doing?” I asked my mom as she poured herself a glass of wine and sat down.

“I’m not doing a thing. You, on the other hand, are going to make a pumpkin pie.”

Mom told me what temperature to set the oven to and what I needed to pull out of the fridge and cabinets. She even shared her secret mix of spices that she swore by, instead of using the store bought stuff. It was nice, really nice, to be spending time with her. She chatted with me about the gallery as the pie cooked and while it cooled she told me some stories from when she was my age that made me giggle and blush.

The TV volume had turned down after the pie had been in the oven for about 10 minutes. When I pulled it out the TV had been turned completely off.

Mom got out white china plates, the good ones I wasn’t supposed to touch, and handed them to me. “I’m going to get some sleep. Now, you’re just supposed to talk, so be good.” She tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear before leaving.

 “Yeah.” I smiled. Her feet were hardly on the stairs before Spike was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, casually leaning up against it. “You have a good chat with your mum?”

“I did. I think we needed it.”

Spike nodded but his eyes were on the pie. “You birds didn’t eat any?”

“It’s for you, I made it—with a little help—for you.” I cut a thick slice for him and set it exactly in the middle of the plate. The pie was still warm from the oven. Spike slid into the chair next to me. He reached for the plate but I pulled it away. “No way, mister.” I got a bite-sized piece on the fork and held it out to him. He got a goofy, happy look on his face and obediently opened his mouth.

His eyes halfway rolled back in his head as he chewed. “Pie’s a sodding miracle, luv. Only thing that tastes better is you.”

I groaned. “You seriously need to come up with some better pick up lines.”

“Can I eat your pie after I eat your pie?”

****

_Wednesday, March 18 th, 1998_

The hellmouth waits for no man, or woman for that matter. I got one night of rest and then it was back to the Slayer patrol routine. Only now I had company!

Annoying, peanut-gallery-commenting company that was currently leaning against a headstone and having a smoke while I fought off three vamps.

“Nearly left yourself open after that last kick!” he called. The unhelpful jerk. I knew I’d almost not gotten back into a defensive posture fast enough. I was slightly out of practice with fighting in my own body.

“You could help instead of holding down the grass,” I shot back.

“But then I wouldn’t be watching you.”

I wasn’t sure if I was flattered, embarrassed, or ready to strangle him.

My stake was in my hand as I snapped my fist into one vamp’s face. He reeled back and I pounced. My arm was raised to strike. I glanced over at Spike to make sure he was looking at me being awesome, only to see two more vamps sneaking up behind him. “Spike! On your six!”

Taking the time to yell a warning meant that the vampire I was supposed to be staking boxed me in the ear instead.

“Really?” I sputtered. The other two vamps were closing in on me and I had to duck and roll to put some space between me and my attackers.

Spike was vamped out, snarling, and ripping into his two opponents with nothing but his claws.

“Whoa.” The vamp that had punched my ear stopped and looked over his shoulder at the other fight. “Your boyfriend’s a vampire?”

I lunged and grabbed him by his grubby Whitesnake t-shirt. “Duh.” The stake went in easy. I whirled to face the other two.

They were hanging back now, trading glances with each other. The point of my stake wavered back and forth between them as I tried to decide which one I should dust first.

“You’re the Slayer, right?” the one on the left asked.

“Bingo, but sorry, I don’t give out gold stars for good guesses.”

The one on the right’s eyes darted towards Spike and winced as my boyfriend dusted one of his opponents. “Why’s, uh, why’s he fighting for you?”

“Seriously?” Left looked heavenward. “Dude, why do you think he’s fighting for her?”

I could Right’s brain trying to process through that. Finally, the not-so-bright lightbulb went on. “Oh. Wow. He must have some pretty righteous cojones to be…” Right’s eyes flicked to me. “Uh, to be staking the Slayer.”

I groaned. Behind me Spike dusted the second vamp with a triumphant roar.

“Okay, Cheech and Chong, the party’s over.” Before the two vamps had time to process that statement I dove into a headstand and planted a foot in the middle of each of their chests. They stumbled backwards as I flipped back to my feet. My stake flew left, then right, and there was nothing but dust settling to the ground.

Spike, still in gameface, clapped a couple of times while he strolled toward me. “Nice work, luv.”

Oh.

My already pounding heartrate kicked up another notch. I took one more ragged breath before my vampire was grabbing me and hauling me up into a brutal kiss. My legs clamped around his waist and my arms around his neck. My breath left me as he slammed me against the side of a crypt. I didn’t care. At that moment I needed him more than air.

My skirt was hiked up to my waist in no time, but my fingers wouldn’t to cooperate as I tried to get Spike’s belt and pants undone. With a frustrated cry I broke the buckle and ripped open his fly, destroying the snap and zipper in the process.  He tore out the crotch of my panties with one claw and the world narrowed to only us.

Somewhere amid the grunting and mewling, the press of flesh against flesh, muffled declarations of love, and the fireworks popping behind my eyelids, I had revelation: this was my life. Until some baddy caught up with me I had this guy. I wasn’t on my own anymore. I may have been the Chosen One, but there wasn’t any more of that ‘she alone’ crap. Uh-uh. Nope. I’d still stand against whatever forces of darkness, no problem, I just got to get some nookie afterwards. Sweet.

When my feet finally met the earth again, we stood there trembling against each other for long moments.

At last I brought a still slightly sweaty palm to his face. “You make all this Slayer stuff so much more worth it.” Spike’s smile, the one that made the corners of his eyes crinkle, lit up my heart. “Now come on, we still have another whole cemetery to patrol and I want to make it home in time to watch the reruns of Seinfeld on Channel 5.” I ducked under his arm and picked up my stake from where I’d dropped it.

“Uh, Slayer, little help here,” Spike said from behind me. He was still standing by the crypt with a hand on the waistband of his pants, keeping them up. Oh, right.

I unwrapped a length of twine from a nearby floral arrangement, damaging the flowers as little as possible, and brought it back to my boyfriend. He threaded it through his belt loops and tied a knot.

“You could have just taken them off.” I shrugged a shoulder and headed for the cemetery gate again.

Spike snorted. “Because that’s exactly what I want to explain to your mother.”

“Well, y’know. There were vamps, a cemetery, yada, yada, yada, no pants.”

“You yada yada’d over the best part.”

“No I didn’t, I mentioned the cemetery.”

With a chuckle, Spike slipped an arm around my shoulders and I put mine around his waist. I was pretty sure I was the luckiest girl in the world.

****

_Tuesday, April 28, 1998_

Things got quiet. Which is never good on a hellmouth. I feel like it was taking a deep breath in, preparing to scream its full fury at us sooner or later.

I worked on adjusting. Dru worked on adjusting. My mom pretended I wasn’t in a sexual relationship with my live-in boyfriend. Dalton pretended he wasn’t a vampire.

Angelus went underground again. I was sure he knew that Drusilla and I were in the right bodies. I was back to patrolling six nights a week and Spike always went with me. We killed a lot of fledges and minions but there was no way we got them all. Spike called me Buffy and there wasn’t a lack of touching between us. Angelus might think we were trying to pull one over on him, but he’d proved cannier than that already by figuring out the switching in the first place.

Besides always looking over our shoulders for Angelus’ ugly mug, our lives were getting almost routine.

Which was why the invite to a party came as a total surprise. I sort of thought I’d become invisible at school. Or possibly that my boyfriend was taping signs to my back saying: ‘Property of Spike’. I had found it written on the tag to one of my bras, which I’d threatened to make him wear if he did it again. So he’d written ‘mine’ on the crotch of one of my pairs of panties. I’d hidden all the sharpies after that.

I was standing in front of my locker chatting with Willow and Xander between classes and checking to see if the answers to my math homework that I’d done with Dalton the night before matched Willow’s when a guy cleared his throat next to me.

Annoyed, I glanced up at him. “What?”

He was one of the members of the Varsity Swim Team but I couldn’t remember his name. Cage? Page? Phage?

“Hi, Gage!” Willow said from inside the circle of Oz’s arms. Right, that was it: Gage. “Congrats on all the recent winningness!” The swim team had done well for itself lately. I knew Cordelia was thrilled a Sunnydale High sports team was actually not doing terrible for once.

“So, uh, Buffy…and friends. There’s a party on the beach this Friday. Do you want to go?” We turned to each other with matching looks of disbelief. The Scoobies didn’t get asked to Varsity Sports Team parties. Or any parties, really.

“Just say yes,” Gage mumbled. “One of the guys wants you to go, Buffy.”

That was cute.

Xander, Willow, and Oz were nodding slowly. “Can I bring someone?” I asked. “Oh, and Xander will, too.”

“Um, well…”

“He’s older, he can buy beer.” And he was a vampire who wouldn’t care if he was contributing to the delinquency of minors.

“Sure, I guess.” Gage stumbled over the words. It was obvious he didn’t expect me to have a boyfriend old enough to make a beer run.

“Thanks!” I grinned. “See you Friday!”

****

_Friday, May 1, 1998_

The ocean always made me feel small, but I still found its endless rhythm relaxing.  I watched the waves roll up onto the sand from my seat on a driftwood log. Going to the swim team’s celebratory party hadn’t really been high on my list of things I wanted to do, but Xander and Willow had insisted, saying I deserved to do normal high school things once in a while.

I glanced over at them as they stood around a bonfire. Xander had his arm around Dru, who was leaning back against his shoulder, looking up, and talking a mile a minute. Probably about what the stars were telling her. He had more patience than any other ten people put together. On the far side of them Willow and Oz were wrapped up together in a blanket and making with the smoochies. The whole scene looked so normal. I snorted. Okay, so it was the kind of normal that involved vampires, werewolves, magic, and specially Chosen Ones, but that was fine. I’d probably hate just being a regular person anyway.

I looked back out at the ocean, watching the moonlight dance on the waves.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

I turned my face upwards to see Cameron Walker, senior and member of the Sunnydale High School Swim Team smiling down at me. Well, this should be fun.

With a massive effort I managed to not roll my eyes at the obvious pick-up line. My vampire was so much better at them. “Yeah,” I said. “It’s so…so…”

“Eternal,” Cameron sighed. “Our true mother giving-“

“This wanker bothering you, luv?” Spike, carrying two bottles in one hand, walked up behind Cameron. I smiled at my vampire as his demon rippled briefly over his face. It was gone by the time Cameron spun around to gawk open-mouthed at Spike, who was staring daggers at the helpless guy.

“No.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “Cameron, this is my boyfriend, Spike. Spike, this is Cameron Walker, he’s one of the guys on the swim team.”

“Oh.” Spike said, continuing to glare.

Cameron jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll just be going, then.”

“Right.” Spike watched Cameron until he was back with his friends. Then he plunked himself down next to me with a loud sigh. “Do you know how much I worry about you when you’re at school? Getting pawed at by the likes of that pillock all day long.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to rip them all limb from limb,” he grumbled. He popped the top on his beer and took a long drink.

I leaned my head against his shoulder and accepted the Diet Coke he handed me. “My poor Big Bad, unable to terrify all the fumbling teenage boys at my school.” I patted his knee and let my fingers linger there, rubbing little circles. “Are you worried that between the time I crawl out of bed with you in the morning and the time I throw myself at you after school that I’ll suddenly develop a hankering for guys that smell of slim-jims and acne cream?”

“Well, when you put it like that, no.”

I slid my hand a little further up his leg before he caught it with his own and brought my fingers to his lips.

“Tease,” he said and sucked my first two fingers into his mouth to roll and flick his tongue around the tips.

I gasped. “Evil!” I snatched my hand back, because I really hadn’t felt that just in my fingers.

“You know it.” He stretched his long legs out in front of him and took another chug of his beer. We watched the ocean silently for a minute. Spike cleared his throat. “It’s not mine. But…”

I laced my fingers with his.

“ _The shattered water made a misty din. Great waves looked over others coming in. And thought of doing something to the shore, that water never did to land before_.”

My toes curled and I wasn’t really thinking about the ocean anymore. What exactly was the water going to do to the land? Spike had just pulled in another breath when there was a commotion behind us. Frowning, we both turned. Drusilla was on her feet and in the face of one of the swim team guys, I couldn’t remember his name, who was holding a wet, spluttering, and just-been-dunked Jonathan by the collar.

Xander was hovering behind her, hands in pockets, looking worried. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I bet Spike could. Sometimes I missed the whole extra-special vampire senses package.

“They okay?” I asked.

“Think so. The berk was bullying that kid and Dru was giving him what for.” Spike relaxed a fraction as the swim team guy let Jonathan go and stormed away. My vampire huffed. “The idiot just told Xander that his girlfriend is crazy.” Spike shook his head and slid down so his back was against the log. He sighed and then chuckled. “C’mere, pet.” He patted his thigh.

I eased myself down so I was sitting on the sand between his legs. The broad expanse of his chest was welcoming as I leaned back against it. He wrapped his arms around me. “Um, Spike…”

“Yeah?”

“How’re you doing with the whole Dru is kind of Xander’s girlfriend thing?”

He paused. I counted five waves that washed ashore before he took a deep breath. “I still love her, y’know.”

“I can’t imagine anything else, not from you.” His muscles tightened, probably in surprise. As hard as it was for me because I wanted to pretend that I was the only girl he had ever and would ever love, forever and ever, that just wasn’t Spike. Of course he still loved Dru, even if now he could admit that she hadn’t shared the same emotion back. And though I was completely sure he wanted to be with me now, that love he’d held for more than a century wasn’t going anywhere.

“I just…I…it feels right, to be here, holding you.” He hugged me tighter. “But I still care about her. I want her to be safe and taken care of, and I want her to be happy.” His voice became rough. “If that floppy-haired git does it for her, then good for them. I don’t want her in my bed, I don’t dream about her, especially not like that. Sometimes though…sometimes I miss spending time with her. She’s my Sire, a part of me, but I think we’re both better off without each other.” He laid his cheek against the top of my head. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to listen to my ramblings.”

“No, it’s good. It gives me hope.”

“Hope?”

“Yeah, because it means you won’t stop loving me either, even when I’m nothing but a memory.”

“Bloody hell, not right now Buffy. I can’t take one more round of arguing with you about your own death.”

“Fine.”

He slowly relaxed when it became apparent I wasn’t going to press the issue. He was right. Sitting here with him on the beach, watching the timeless ocean, I really didn’t want to argue. There was a soft tugging at the side of my head as he wrapped strands of my hair around my fingers, only to unwrap them a second later.

“I do worry about the boy,” he said after a while.

“Xander?”

“Yeah. That fish-smelling twit wasn’t exactly wrong. Dru’s not really all there. She’s much better than before you two were time-sharing, but she’s not completely better. Probably never will be. Angelus scrambled her up too bloody badly. What if she forgets herself and kills him? Or suddenly gets the bright idea to turn him?”

“I don’t know.” I didn’t. Zero clue. It’s not like I could tell Xander to stay away from her because, hello! Pot and kettle. I’m sure my friends worried about Spike doing those exact same things. “I think for right now we just have to trust both of them.”

“You’re right, as always.”  He tugged at the hair on the nape of my neck with his teeth and I dropped my head back against his shoulder.

My nose wrinkled. “Did you say the swim team smells like fish?”

“They do and it’s not the freshly caught kind.”

“Gross. Maybe they should spend a little more time on dry land.”

“Mmm. I don’t know. I can’t really complain about things being wet.”

I opened my mouth to tell him off for being crude, but his lips met mine and he kissed me until my insides were as liquid as the ocean.

****

_Tuesday, May 5, 1998_

A member of the Swim Team getting killed and skinned sometime after we’d all left the party hadn’t surprised me as much as it maybe should have. It obviously wasn’t Angelus’ doing, and I was kind of excited to have a mystery to solve. Except for the dead body part. That was never good. Currently Giles had asked us to keep an eye on the swim team and try to keep them safe.

Sunnydale High had a rather nice pool for public high school. I wasn’t fond of the scent of chlorine, but sitting in the bleachers watching the guys in their…trying to figure out what was going on with the swim team wasn’t so bad. Cordy had brought popcorn.

“I’m thinking of asking that guy out,” Cordelia said, pointing at one of the boys as he shook himself out and prepared to dive in the water.

“Eh, not bad.” If you liked tall guys with dark tans.        

Cordy huffed. “Well, not all of us keep a boy toy in our basement.”

Willow snickered.

“Spike’s…I…” I was completely flustered. He was everything to me and I didn’t want to hear him be reduced to nothing more than a means to scratch an itch. “He’s…”

“Buffy’s in love, Cordelia. You might want to keep from ticking her off over him or she’ll figure out a way to meet you in a dark alley.” Willow patted my knee and I took a big bite of popcorn to keep from having to say anything.

“Sure.” Cordy paused for a minute. “But you’re totally doing him, right?”

I groaned. “Yes. Alright? Buffy gets it on the regular from the undead. Can we move on?”

“Is he any good? He totally looks like he’d be a stallion in the sheets.”

I was going to kill her. Cordelia did not get to even think about Spike and sex in the same sentence. Blood was roaring in my ears and my hands were clenched in painfully tight fists.

“Geez, Cordy. What’d you say to Buffy?” Xander plopped himself down next to me and grabbed some popcorn. “Was it something about her boyfriend? Because that’s a great way to ask for a black eye.”

“I tried telling her that, but she didn’t listen.” Willow crossed her arms and glared at Cordelia.

Cordy’s eyes narrowed and she didn’t look remorseful at all as she said: “Okay. Okay. I’m sorry Buffy.”

I didn’t say anything and forced myself to look back at the swimming pool. Me not shattering the nose her daddy had probably paid a bunch for was going to have to be enough of an apology acceptance for the minute.

“Weren’t you going to try out for the swim team?” Willow asked Xander in a Hail Mary of a topic change.

“Yeah, but when I told Drusilla she freaked out, and not just a little bit. She went on and on about bad fishies, how I’d get blown away in a puff of smoke, and that nasty sharks with their nasty teeth would make a meal out of me. I couldn’t get her to calm down until I absolutely promised not to try out. She was quiet for about three seconds, then went on a rant about how the team all smelled gross anyway and she was glad I wouldn’t stink like that.”

“How’d you get her to shut up?” I asked.

Xander’s ears turned pink. “Probably the same way you get Spike to.”

“Nope.” I licked my lips. “Can’t possibly have been the same way.”

“Close enough,” he muttered.

We looked at each other for a second before breaking out into laughter. Cordy and Willow appeared less than thrilled with us and more than a little left out. I guess me and Xander were kind of in a club for two.

I took a deep breath to stop the giggles and something Xander had mentioned finally registered with me. “Hey, did you say Drusilla complained about the swim team members stinking?” He nodded. “Did she say like what? Was it fish?”

“Yeah, something about nasty ones that’ve been out in the sun too long.”

I dropped the handful of popcorn I was holding back into the bowl and ignored Cordelia’s look of disgust. “Spike said the same thing. Willow, we need to find Giles.”

“What?” Her face went pale.

I swallowed hard and turned to look at the pool were the guys were plowing through the water like they’d been born for it. “A monster didn’t eat a member of the swim team. They are the monsters.”

****

_Wednesday, May 6, 1998 (Night)_

I was never eating sushi again.

The fish stink threatened to gag me as I tried to anticipate the creatures’ next move. Spike was back to back with me, vamped out, and enjoying the luxury of not breathing.

We were holding still and looking for the telltale ripples in the water that signaled one of the creatures from the black lagoon was about to attack.

Above us I could hear Xander trying to calm the school nurse and get the information out of her about what exactly the swim team had been breathing in while they’d been basking in the sauna. The nurse had been so nice to me after my nightmare in class with her endless supply of apple juice boxes. How the heck had she ended up mired in the swim team coach’s worst-idea-ever doping scheme?

Drusilla had thralled the coach, and Willow and Giles were waiting on me and Spike to finish off the monsters before calling in the cops. The coach was going to remember giving the boys steroids and murdering them when they threatened to tell. It was going to be a hell of a scandal.

There was a disturbance in the water to one side of us and both me and Spike braced ourselves as all three of the creatures launched themselves at us. We pummeled them with fast hits, but it didn’t seem to have a lot of effect. These creatures were tough.

“You’d think they were the bloody synchronized swim team the way they attack together.” Spike shook his head, sending water droplets spraying everywhere.  

“They forgot their little flowered bathing caps.”

I wondered which one of the needle-toothed freaks was Phage. Cage? Mage…no, Gage! That was it. He’d been kind of cute and didn’t deserve to end up like this. It’s not like he’d signed up to be turned into a monster. It seemed that I wasn’t the only one fate had cursed.

Not that I could change things. Spike’s shoulder bumped into mine. Not that I would want to change much of anything that’d happened during the last year if it meant that I’d be alone now. As hard as I tried I couldn’t picture a world where Spike and I were still enemies. It gave me a sick, crawly feeling in my belly to even think about it.

I took out my discomfort on the next fish creature that attacked me, wailing on it with fists and feet, only to have it break off the attack and disappear under the water again.

“This is pointless,” I panted. “They’re too strong.”

“We need firepower,” Spike said grimly. “Oi, Watcher,” he yelled towards the hole in the ceiling. “We’re coming topside.” He boosted me up and I caught Giles’ hand. I quickly turned around once I was out and helped pull Spike through the hatch.

My vampire had a couple of nasty gashes on his forearm and I had a matching set on my shoulder.

“No luck?” Willow asked, handing us towels.

“We’d need bleeding elephant guns to take them down.” Spike scrubbed at his hair, which was a riot of tangled curls.

There was a muffled scream from the nurse. We all turned to see her gaping at Spike. I’d been ogling how his wet t-shirt clung to his chest so it took me a minute to realize what was wrong. He was still vamped out.

“Face,” I said, wincing at how much like my mother I sounded.

He shook off the demon with a sigh.

Giles pulled his glasses off, felt around for a handkerchief, and set them back on his nose with a perturbed look when he didn’t find one in his pockets. “Drusilla, you’d better thrall Nurse Greenliegh. I’ve had enough of explanations—and screaming—for one day. I’ll call the police and animal control. I suppose we can tell them it was alligators.”

“Alligators on PCP?” I added hopefully.

Spike chuckled. “They might be in a gang.” He kissed my temple. “I’ll just go have a cig or two. Don’t need to be trying to dodge the paramedics’ stethoscopes.”

He grabbed his duster and headed towards the back of the school. Drusilla was crouched down in front of the nurse, talking earnestly. Xander was beside Dru with one hand on her back. Giles was speaking on the phone. I sat down next to Willow with a sigh.

“You okay?” Oz asked from the other side of my friend.

“I just don’t feel much like playing alligator victim at the moment.” My eyes went to the hallway Spike had disappeared down.

Oz shrugged a shoulder. “I’m sure it won’t take long. This time of night both the cops and EMTs will be jonesing for a cup of java.”

“Yeah. Then you and your honey can go home and shower.” Willow leaned her head against Oz’s shoulder.

I looked at Oz over the top of Willow’s head and we both raised our eyebrows.

“What?” Willow asked. “Oh, jiminy cricket. I didn’t mean it like that. Though, I guess if you want to, you could. I’m not saying you can’t. Only I wasn’t trying to imply showering together, though it’d probably save water. And since you guys are together it’s not like it’d be weird. You’ve probably already done it anyway so it’s not like...”

I looked pointedly from Oz to Willow and back again. Oz got my drift and stopped her mouth with a kiss.

Oh thank god, silence.

****

_Saturday, May 7, 1998_

Saturday night meant post-patrol movie night. The six of us were scattered around my living room with snacks, drinks, and mugs of blood. Dalton was puttering in the kitchen, but he usually came in to watch as well. My mom was out of town, so Xander, Oz, and Willow were staying over and no one, besides Dalton, would be going to bed alone.

My mom had tried to set Dalton up on a couple of dates, but he’d refused, saying he just wasn’t ready. I wondered if having a family, and people that actually cared about him, was still a lot for him to emotionally deal with after decades of marginalization. He’d find someone when the time was right.

Xander stood up and waved the tape from Blockbuster at us. “I got the perfect show for tonight.”

“Really?” I asked from where I was ensconced on my boyfriend’s lap. I wiggled and Spike bit the nape of my neck with blunt teeth.

“Stop it,” he hissed around his hold on me. “Or we won’t even see the opening credits.”

“Fine.” I stilled and leaned back against him. Tomorrow I was planning on getting him to read me a big chunk of _Candide_. Why my English teacher had decided we needed to end the semester with a French novel I had no idea. However, lying naked in bed with Spike while he read to me and the air conditioning kept the heat from attempting to oppress me sounded amazing.

Xander put the tape in and pressed play. He sat back down on the couch. Drusilla curled her feet under her and leaned against his shoulder.

Willow and Oz were lying tumbled together on the floor like puppies.

I was paying more attention to how the light from the TV played over my vampire’s face than to the beginning of the show.

Willow started giggling.

Oz joined in with a chuckle. “Man, you didn’t.”

“Oh, I so did.” Xander sounded smug.

I turned my head just in time to catch the title: _Trading Places_.

“Xander!” I rolled my eyes at him. Spike’s chest was quivering with barely contained mirth. “Just let it out,” I told him and smacked his arm lightly.

He curled up around me and roared with laughter. “You’re braver than I thought, mate.”

Xander was grinning, and Dru’s smile was wider than usual. I caught her eye and we shared a look that clearly indicated we both thought our significant others were doofuses.

Eventually we all calmed down enough to actually watch the movie. About halfway through Xander paused it so we could refresh drinks and snacks.

I was standing with Drusilla while she told me about how she’d spent three hours trying to find Xander’s cat so she could thrall it into not peeing in the basement when she broke off mid-sentence and clutched her head. I grabbed her to keep her from falling and helped her to the couch. She twitched for a few seconds then went deathly still.

We waiting, the house eerily silent, for her to wake up.

At last her eyes blinked open. Xander leaned over her, pressing a worried kiss to her forehead.

She focused on him, and when she spoke it was like ice slipping down my spine.

“Acathla.”


	31. Telephone

I don't think I'll make it on my own

                -Goo Goo Dolls, “Long Way Down”

****

_Monday, May 11, 1998_

“I’m going to fail,” I whined.

Lorenzo squawked from his perch atop his cage. I’d brought him downstairs so that he’d see more people than just me and Spike. And because there were some phrases that were frequently said in my bedroom that I really didn’t think he needed to learn. He’d started taking short almost-flights and exploring around the house. Now that he had some idea how to use his wings he seemed a lot more comfortable being around all my friends. If my mom had figured out that Willow really didn’t have a cancer-having second cousin she hadn’t said anything. I’d even caught her petting Lorenzo’s bright green plumage the other day.

“Go bother Spike,” I told him when he squawked again.

Lorenzo cocked his head at me. “Bloody hell!”

“Yes, him, go bug him while I try to face my certain doom with dignity and poise.” I looked back down at my French textbook. The words all seemed to blur together and I closed my eyes. With a thump I dropped my head face first onto the pages. “I’m going to fail.”

“You’re going to do just fine,” Dalton said in his best calm-the-crazy-Slayer voice. “You have the regular verb conjugations down pat and you know your simple past and future tenses, plus it’s been a week since you missed a single vocabulary word when we’ve gone through your flash cards.”

“But I still suck at the irregular verbs! There’s way too many crazy vowels and even if I know what a word means it’ll still be counted as wrong if I don’t get the accent marks right.”

Dalton sighed. “You just need to get a C on the test and you’ll pass the class. You’ll do that easy. I’m thinking you’ll probably get an A minus which would give you a B for the semester. Not bad for someone that has to spend almost every night battling the forces of darkness.”

I straightened up in my chair. “Okay. Okay. Let’s keep going.”

“Tuer.”

“Je tue, tu tues, il tue, nous tuons-“

“Who are we killing?” Spike had wandered in from the kitchen with a mug of blood in one hand. Lorenzo immediately started squawking at him. Spike held out his hand to the bird. Fluttering his wings, Lorenzo perched on Spike’s fingers then quickly hopped to his shoulder. “Who’s a good bird?” he cooed at the parrot.

I made a face. “Are you teaching him to sit on your shoulder?”

“Of course I am. I can’t be a proper pirate without a parrot on my shoulder, now can I?”

“Or a peg leg. If you need help with that one let me know.” I smiled sweetly at him.

He planted a kiss on the top of my head. “Luv, around you I’ve always got a peg leg.”

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands. “Je tue,” I said loudly.  Spike took the hint and, whistling, headed for the living room with Lorenzo. The parrot was making wheezing noises as it tried to whistle along. And, oh god, seriously? ‘A Pirates Life for Me’? “Dalton, if I dust my boyfriend would you be so kind as to vacuum up the ashes before my mom gets home?”

“Why certainly, I’d be glad to.” Dalton chuckled. He tapped my text book. “Back to verbs. You should reread chapter 23 of your history text tonight as well.”

Yippee. I played with the bracelet around my left wrist as my eyes ran over the list of verbs I needed to have memorized. Lately I’d taken to wearing the bracelet Spike had given me for my birthday nearly continuously. I knew he appreciated me doing it and I felt good having a little piece of him with me when I was at school.

The phone rang.

“I’ll get it.” Dalton stood quickly and went to the kitchen. “Summers’ residence…uh…you should probably talk to Buffy about that.”

Grumbling, I took the phone from him.  “Hello?”

“Hello, Buffy?”

“Hi, Dru, what’s up?”

“I need you to tell Xander that he may not wear his socks more than once before they’re washed.”

“What…um, why does this involve me?”

“Because he says I don’t know about people, but I can smell his feet,” she hissed.

I tilted my head back, looked at the ceiling, and let out a breath. “Put him on the line.”

“Hi, Buffster,” Xander said after a brief pause.

“Xander, would you please do what the scary, old vampire chick is telling you to?”

“She’s unreasonable. Do you know she makes the bed every freaking day whether or not she stays over?”

“It must be terrible and I truly feel for you. Now do what she says or I’ll send Spike over there to referee.”

“What! That’s not fair. He always takes her side,” Xander huffed. “Fine. She wants to talk to you again.” There was a muffled series of noises as the phone changed hands.

“Buffy?”

“Uh-huh.”

“The sins shall not be visited and the river is dammed, be careful not to fall into it. Oh, and eat the cupcake.”

“Ah, thanks Dru. See you tomorrow?”

“Of course! Bye!” The line went dead and I hung up the receiver. I quirked my lips to the side.

“What’d she say?” Spike asked from beside me.

“Sin’s not coming to visit, that there’s a damned river, and something about eating a cupcake?”

He leaned against me and brought his mouth close to my ear. “Are you taking auditions for that cupcake?”

“Well, since apparently my studying plans are going to h-“

The phone rang again. Maybe Dru had forgotten to tell me all the cryptic stuff she needed to.

Still leering at me, Spike picked it up. “ ‘Lo…her boyfriend.” The corners of his mouth turned down. “No you sod, Buffy’s, not Joyce’s. And who the bloody hell are you? Hank who?”

Oh crap. I grabbed the receiver away from him. “Hi, Daddy!” Spike’s scarred eyebrow shot sky high. I turned my back on him, which was a mistake. Spike’s arms snuck around me and one of his hands settled on my breast. It took every last bit of my Slayer training not to make the kind of noise my father never, ever needed to hear pass my lips.

“Buffy? Who was that? What’s going on?”

I almost hung up the phone. I hadn’t talked to him in months, not since my birthday, so what right did he have to start barking at me? “That was Sp…uh…William.” Spike nibbled at my neck. Dalton had rescued Lorenzo from his shoulder and put the fluttering bird back on top of the cage.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“Yes, he’s my boyfriend. We’ve been going out since last fall.” One of Spike’s hands had begun a southward journey and my half-hearted swat didn’t seem to be much of a deterrent.

“So, I guess I should meet him.” What? That would be so much fun. Not. My dad was continuing to blather on. “I was calling to say I was planning to come for a visit in two weeks. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it for your birthday. I’ll take you to the mall to make up for it.”

“Uh…”

My hesitancy must have actually had an impact. “Maybe this William could come along?”

Oh god, no. “Will’s not much of a mall type guy.” Spike snorted. His hand found its destination and I had to bite my lip. Gah, wiggly fingers.

“Right, but I’d still like to see you, honey.”

I sort of wanted to tell my dad to go to hell, but then I might be squashing any genuine desire of his to spend time with me. I carefully modulated my voice since Spike was doing his best to make me either squeak or sound like I’d been shooting whisky and smoking cigars for forty years.  “That’d be nice. Maybe we can all go to dinner. Will’s pretty important to me and I’d like for you to meet him.” Spike smiled against my neck.

“Sure, I’ll give you a call when I know where I’m staying.”

“Sounds good, talk to you soon.”

“Goodnight, Buffy.”

I hung the phone up and pulled myself out of Spike’s grasp. I turned to face him. “What the hell was that about? I was talking to my dad!”

Spike opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but apparently thought better of it. He shrugged and placed his hands on both sides of my head before kissing me deeply. I was lost almost instantly.

“Ah, she’s supposed to be studying French,” Dalton said from across the room.

Spike broke the kiss for a second. “Mate, this is French.” Then his tongue was back in my mouth and I moaned in appreciation. Our arms went around each other and I had a hand on his backside, gripping the tight muscles there.

The phone rang again.

It was right next to our ears and I had to grab Spike’s fist before he pulverized it. After a tense second he dropped his arm.

“What?” I barked into the receiver.

“Buffy?”

“Oh, hi, Giles. We’ve been having fun with the phone lately.”

There was a pause. “I don’t even want to know what that means.” He sighed. “I don’t suppose anyone there read the newspaper this morning?”

I covered the mouthpiece with one hand. “It’s Giles,” I informed them unnecessarily since with vampire hearing they both could hear him clearly. “Did either of you read the paper today?”

Spike shook his head.

“We didn’t get one today. I already called the delivery boy to complain.” Dalton leaned against the table with his arms crossed.

I removed my hand. “Nope, no one here saw it.”

He tsked. “There was an article on the front of the local section about a discovery made by an archeology professor. He called me to assist him with a translation and Buffy…” He swallowed audibly. “While I haven’t completed the work, I think that what he found may either be, or contain, Acathla.”

Spike stopped groping me and his face became a mask of worry. Dalton had vamped out in shock.

“What do we do?”

“I don’t…it’s quite a large and heavy piece of sandstone. Even with our combined strength we probably can’t budge it. Destruction is most likely our best option. We’ll meet tomorrow to figure out how to bypass the security at the University.”

“Okay. I’ll ask the guys if they have any ideas.”

“Take care.”

“You too.” I hung up the phone. “I’m scared,” I whispered. “Anyone else scared?”

Spike pulled me into a hug and Dalton inched forward until he could rest a hand on my shoulder.

What the hell where we going to do? We knew where the means to end the entire world was sitting. It was like waking up and discovering your bed was actually a nuclear bomb on a hair trigger. Maybe we should just go in, guns blazing, and damn the consequences. Only what if that was what set it off? Truthfully we had no solid clue what would wake the demon up. It felt like there was a riptide trying to yank my feet out from under me.

What had Dru said? The river was damned, or maybe dammed, and we weren’t supposed to fall in. Only could it be too late and we were already drowning?

A few minutes later my mom bustled in and we all plastered fake smiles on so as not to worry her. She’d stopped at the grocery store and Spike immediately went to help carry bags in while Dalton and I put stuff away.

On the last trip she came back carrying a thing of chocolate cupcakes. “Look what I got!” She held them up like a prize.

I was feeling like I’d swallowed a lead bowling ball from the shock of Acathla actually being a thing I now had to deal with, instead of a vague apocalypse-shaped shadow on the horizon. About the last thing I needed right now was to try and eat anything.

Spike held his hand out. “Buffy wants one.”

It was a testament to how weird all our lives had gotten that my mom handed him one without even arguing. He peeled off the paper and held it out to me. “Something about a cupcake?” he murmured.

I’d forgotten. Dru could be very literal. Maybe she’d known I would need comfort food. And honestly, all the thick fudge icing did look really tempting.

I ate the stupid cupcake.

****

_Tuesday, May 12, 1998_

I hated the cutesy border around the bulletin board in the computer science classroom. The only good thing about its multicolored computer mouse design was that Ms. Calendar had chosen it. She’d tacked it up at the start of the school year and neither Willow nor I could bear the thought of taking it down.

At least we didn’t have to look at it since we were both sitting at the teacher’s desk, backs to the bulletin board, with our books open while we nominally studied for finals.

Willow was going to try and hack the security at the University later, but she might not be able to if it was an entirely local system. The Scooby meeting had been fruitless and we were all on edge and frustrated. Giles planned to spend the afternoon talking to Kendra’s Watcher in Jamaica in the hopes that he might know something.

All that made it hard to focus on chemistry. Hopefully I wouldn’t be stuck taking it again my senior year. The labs had been fun and I’d blown hardly anything up that wasn’t supposed to be.  Willow didn’t seem to be having much luck concentrating either. She was fidgety and kept rereading the same page in her book over and over. Something was driving her nuts besides our current rock problem.

“What’s up?” I asked and she looked relieved.

“I need to talk to you.”

“We’re talking now. Or we would be if your mouth was moving.” I tapped the eraser of my pencil against my textbook.

Willow’s eyes appeared to be inspecting the back corner of the classroom.

“Willow Rosenberg!” I admonished. “For the last year I’ve told you every secret I’ve had. Including that I was switching bodies with a vampire and that I fell in love with William the Bloody, for heaven’s sake. Or not for heaven’s sake because he’s an evil vampire, or kind of evil. He folds the laundry, but only when I remind him. Anyway, I’ve told you way embarrassing details about things like eating a raccoon or making out in Spike’s car in the driveway and my mom flashing the porch light at us right after I put my hand down his pants.”

“Okay, Buffy, I get it! I’m just…ugh. Now I know how you felt when I kept asking for details about everything. Alright, here goes…” She took a deep breath. “I’m not on the Virgin Scale any longer!” She put her hands on her face, but peeked out at me from between her fingers.

I squealed and bounced in my seat, making my pencil roll off my open textbook and drop to the floor between the desk and the filing cabinet. As I fished it out of the narrow space I continued to grin at my entirely freaked out friend. “So dish! Was it good? What’d you do?”

Willow bit her lower lip and her hand plunked down on the desk.

“Uh, everything went okay, right?”

“I don’t know.” She looked like she was going to cry. I was going to kill Oz if he’d hurt her.

“Talk to me Willow, please.”

“I’m just…I’m so weird, Buffy.” She smoothed down her corduroy skirt and stared at her knees. I waited. “We were at my house, because my parents are out of town, and we started making out. I said I was ready for more and he said he was ready for more. So we got naked-“

I nodded encouragingly.

“I told him I’d been on the pill forever and he said he’d only been with one other girl and that’d been a long time ago.”

“You probably still wanted to poke her eyes out.”

Willow wrinkled up her nose. “Yeah. I mean, sheesh, there we were all naked and he has to go and mention the last time he was naked with someone else. Ugh.” There was still a little hint of murder in her eyes which I took as a good sign. “Anyway, I told him I hadn’t done anything before and he said he was okay with that. Which was good. So we did some naked making out and he said he wanted to, uh, go down there.”

“Go down there?”

“Uh, you know, his tongue on my girl parts?”

Willow was so red that she looked like she had a sunburn. “Were you too embarrassed? It’s Oz, I’m sure he’d understand-“

“No, it wasn’t that. I…” She shifted in her chair. “I liked it, a lot.” The last was a whisper.

I dropped my voice, too. “Did you get off?”

“Yes!” she squeaked. We’d have to compare notes, but later, right now I wanted her to continue her story.

“Go on,” I prompted.

“After I was done yelling ‘Oh, Oz’ and was thinking I might never feel that good again, he got all growly and rough. He flipped me over and had me get on my hands and knees, and…”

My mouth was a round ‘O’ of shock. “You lost your virginity doing it doggy-style?”

She winced and nodded.

“Did it hurt?”

“Not really, because I broke my hymen when I was twelve and riding a horse at camp.”

“Okay, but you still look upset.” And she really did.

“Buffy, I’m a slut!”

“What?”

“I liked it! I got off again.”

I was way confused. “So you liked having sex with your boyfriend and somehow this makes you a slut?”

“We weren’t even face-to-face! It could have been anyone back there! And I’m a horrible feminist; I liked him being all possessive and ‘grrr’. My mom’s going to disown me!”

I sighed. “Seriously, you’re talking to the girl who dates a vampire about how liking a guy being aggressive and dominant is weird?”  I turned around and lifted up my shirt.

“What am I looking at?” Willow asked.

“The tag on my bra.”

She turned over my bra strap. “Oh my god. ‘For Spike’s Hands Only’? He didn’t!”

“He found the sharpies. You really don’t want to know what the tag on my panties says,” I grumbled. Willow’s hand was clamped over her mouth as she giggled. “I told him I wasn’t kidding and that I really was going to make him wear my bra and the idiot asked me if I wanted him to wear anything else or just that.”

“Buffy!” She was nearly bent double she was laughing so hard. “That is so a mental picture I didn’t need.”

I started giggling too. “The next time you see him good luck not thinking about it.” Tough actually, picturing him in my underwear was not making me feel as weird as it probably should. I shook my head. So not something I wanted to learn about myself right that second. I stuck it back there with being tied up as things to bring up when we weren’t living with my mom anymore.

Willow sobered up. “So am I completely weird?”

No, I had that covered. “Willow, you’re fine. I promise. Have you gone down on him yet?” She shook her head. “Next time do that. You’ll be able to look at his face and you’ll get to feel all powerful and feminine. I am woman, hear me roar.”

“Really?” She looked skeptical.

“If he’s not appropriately worshipful you can bite him.”

Willow rolled her eyes. “So how do you guys usually do it?”

“I don’t know if we have a usual.” I frowned. How many times did you have to do something before it became ‘the usual’? “We do standing up a lot, with my back against a wall or tree or something.”

“Face-to-face?”

“Yeah, not that we spend a lot of time looking deeply into each other’s eyes or anything since we’re usually in the middle of a cemetery.” I pursed my lips. Was that what was really bothering her? Not seeing his face?

“Are you worried that because he’s a werewolf he’s always going to want it like that? From behind?”

She nodded.

“Willow, you’ve done it once. You don’t know what he likes yet. Oh! And I’m having an idea!” I slapped my hand down on my book and my pencil went rolling away again to the same cramped space. “Your mirror? The full length on next to your closet?” I leaned over and tried to reach my pencil. “Put it at the foot of your bed. Then you can still see him even if he’s behind you.” I could see the wheels turning in her head. My fingers brushed something that wasn’t what I was looking for. I pulled out a yellow floppy disk. “Here, you must have dropped this.”

“It’s not mine. I suppose it belonged to Ms. Calendar.” She ejected the disk in her computer and put in the yellow one. There was no way in a million years either of us could have guessed what was on that disc.

The curse.  It was the curse that Ms. Calendar’s people had used on Angel a hundred years ago.

“We need to find Giles,” Willow whispered.

“Yeah.” This changed everything.

****

_Thursday, May 14, 1998_

All of us: Willow, Xander, Oz, Cordelia, Giles, Drusilla, Spike, and I, were gathered around the research table in the library, staring at the printed copy of the ensoulment ritual that was lying there. We were still waiting on the Magic Shop to get some specific ingredients in that Giles had ordered. The single Orb of Thesulah that we had was safely locked away in Giles’ office. We’d come to find out that getting genuine ones wasn’t easy. Or maybe even possible. Most on the market were fakes. That Giles had a real one was a fluke. So we were stuck with a choice. Four unsouled vampires and one orb.

“So why not stop Angelus’ evil rampage and curse him?” Cordelia stood with her arms crossed.

“Well, because what do we do with Angel? Give him a hug and throw him a welcome back party?” Xander was standing with an arm around Dru’s waist. He’d never been Angel’s biggest fan, but seeing daily how broken Drusilla was because of what Angelus had done to her had made him hate the guy even more.

“Not to mention we can’t keep the soul from going poof again,” Willow added. “He’d be like an Angel-shaped time bomb. Would any of you guys really want to hang out with him? He gets happy and you’d be dead.”

“Daddy doesn’t deserve it,” Dru said softly. “He hurt me and Buffy while he still had it.”

The room became very quiet. There was no way any of us really wanted to waste our efforts on that jerk.

“I talked to Dalton,” I said into the silence. “He said that while he wouldn’t mind having his soul,  it’s not really something he needs right now. He has no problem as it is with not hunting and killing. And I’ll back him up on that. He’s a very undemony vampire.”

“I don’t know how the bloke’s survived for as long as he has.” Spike was attempting to balance a pen on one fingertip but kept dropping it. I frowned. His hands were shaking.

Giles pulled his glasses off to clean them. “I might regret this, but what about you, Spike? You fight at the Slayer’s side and you obviously have very strong feeling for her. Perhaps it would be best if-“

“No.” Spike wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“Spike…” I was shocked at the vehemence in his tone. I guess I’d sort of been expecting him to be the one to get it. The vampire I believed that’d be with me for my entire life.

“No, Slayer.” He rounded on me, his face less than an inch from mine. “You can’t cram a soul into me if I don’t want the sodding thing. You’re always yammering on and on about choices and not getting to make them. So listen when somebody else makes one. I. Don’t. Want. It.” He grabbed my shoulders. “It’d make things easy for you, wouldn’t it? You wouldn’t have to worry your boyfriend’s going to slip up and eat your chums. No more questioning if I really love you, you’d have insurance. I could be your nice, tame little vampire, like Angel was.”

What the hell?

Spike was panting. His eyes bored into mine and his fingers were bruising me as they dug into my shoulders. I took a deep breath and forced down my first impulse to get angry and start yelling. I knew this guy. I loved him. There was a reason he was so far over in left field, making a speech when I hadn’t even argued with him.

Making a speech…

Oh, I got it.

I snapped my arms up and out, breaking his hold on my shoulders. I glowered up at him and shook my finger in his face. “You could have just said you want Drusilla to have it instead of jumping down my throat.” My voice was harsh. “And why did you pick right now to start freaking out about what I might think of you? Oh my god, Spike! I know you love me! Way down deep, in every cell of my entire body, I know that. So any doubts belong only to you! Do you believe I can’t love you if you don’t have one? Is that the problem? What the freaking hell do I have to do to prove to you that-“

Spike grabbed my shoulders again. With a grunt he hauled me against him and kissed me. It was hard, nearly brutal, and I was kissing him back with just as much fervor.

“Buffy, love you, sorry. I’m sorry, love you so much,” he mumbled against my lips.

“I love you too. You have to believe me. I love you, Spike!”

His hands were in my hair and I’d molded myself against him, my arms holding onto him for dear life.

There was a banging on the table and reluctantly we parted. I turned towards the group and Spike slipped his arms around my waist to keep me close.

“Yes, well, now that we’ve got that sorted let’s move on,” Giles was polishing his glasses again. My face flamed red. Oops, I hadn’t exactly meant for everyone to see us make out like that. Most of my friends were looking bug-eyed at us, except for Drusilla who was wearing a bemused little smile. “Spike.” Giles set his glasses back on his nose. “I did understand correctly that you do not wish to be cursed?”

“No, Watcher. I don’t. It wouldn’t do me much good anyway.”

Giles wrinkled his forehead. “And why would that be?”

“Because-” He gave me a squeeze. “Red would do the ritual, I’d get my soul back, turn around and see my girl and ‘ding’: moment of perfect happiness and the bloody thing would be gone again.”

I tilted my head back and smiled up at him. I was sort of helpless when he got all romantic-y like that.

“Ah,” Giles said, before returning to looking at anything but us. “Drusilla, it appears you would be our best candidate then. We should- ”

Xander made a chopping motion with his hand, interrupting Giles. “Wait, Spike had a point back there. We can’t just assume. Dru-“ He clasped her hands in his. “Do you want this? Do you want your soul back?”

Slowly she nodded. “But it makes me feel like a bad mummy. Even if he says he doesn’t, my boy wants it. He wants the blue fairy to come and make him a real boy…” She trailed off and her eyes became unfocused.

I stepped out of Spike’s arms and pulled Dru into a hug. With a sigh she laid her head on my shoulder. “Dru, you need it. Without my soul anchoring you anymore it’s getting harder for you to stay in the here and now, isn’t it?”

She nodded. One of her pale hands swept through my hair. “Pretty Goldilocks. I can see…there’s so many, many paths. Help me.” The last was barely audible.

“How long, Watcher?” Spike asked, his voice hard.

“Four days.”

Oz rested his hands on the table. “We’ll help you Dru. All of us.”

“When this is over we should totally have a girl’s night out.” Cordy still had her arms crossed, but appeared to be thinking hard. “The mall’s open late on Saturdays. We can get our nails done, and our hair. Oh, and we can stay at my place because my dad just had a killer new sound system put in. How does that sound, Dru?”

I waited, but hell did not actually freeze over. Cordelia being nice. Who could have seen that coming? I patted Drusilla’s back. “We can have rocky road ice cream.”

Dru smiled. “I’d like a party.”

****

_Monday, May 18, 1998_

I’d mostly conquered my French final. I was staring intently at it, hoping the last few answers I needed might float up from somewhere deep down in my subconscious. Feu was fire, right? Flambé is what you did to food, but if it was a log of wood then I was sure, kind of, that it was feu.

Speaking of fire, was that smoke I was smelling? My nose twitched. The scent was familiar, like when Spike decided he could fit one more smoke in before the sun rose and he was only mostly right.

Singed vampire and my school really didn’t go together. For a second when the blanket-covered figure stepped into the room I thought it was Spike and something terrible must have happened for him to show up at school during the day.

Once I’d taken one more breath I was able to listen to my Slayer senses enough to realize it wasn’t a vampire I knew. I gripped my pencil like a stake and started to stand up. Before I was halfway out of my desk the vampire raised her head and fixed me with a dull glare. “Tonight. Sundown. In the graveyard. You and Spike will come to him.” The vampire tossed off her blanket and stood straighter. The sun coming through the window struck her full force. “You will come to him or more will die! Tonight!” She screamed as she went up in flames.

The classroom erupted into pandemonium. I grabbed Willow’s hand and we rushed with the others out into the hallway. We stumbled almost immediately into Giles and Oz. Willow threw herself into her boyfriend’s arms.

“There was a vampire in my classroom.” I pointed at the open doorway and the loudly talking students. “It was a message from Angelus, to meet him tonight, and I’m supposed to bring Spike.”

Willow didn’t budge from inside Oz’s embrace. She looked like she was thinking hard. “We need to get Dru’s soul back to her as soon as possible,” she said slowly. “If Angelus can get a message to us you can bet he could get one to her, too.”

I rubbed my temple at the implication. Without her soul she might not be able to resist his Sire pull. “Yeah. I don’t want her to do something she might regret later.”

“Well, yes. But I’m afraid there’s something more serious we need to worry about.” Giles said. Our eyes all turned to him. I frowned. Giles looked almost…messy. His hair was sticking up in different directions, his glasses were askew, and one side of his shirt was untucked.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Not entirely. The professor at the University has been killed and the object he was studying is missing.”

“Acathla’s missing?” I asked, fear turning into a knot in my throat.

“Yes. It’s safe to assume that Angelus has beaten us on that front. However, the war is not yet lost.” He pulled his glasses off and cleaned them using the tail of his shirt. It was disturbing. Giles hadn’t even looked for a handkerchief.  The world really was going to hell.

Oz summed it up perfectly: “Oh shit.”

****

Nervous energy was rolling off my boyfriend in waves. We’d left my mom home with Dalton and all the other Scoobies at the Library performing the spell to give Drusilla her soul back.

Earlier I’d pulled Dru aside and asked her about the happiness clause, pointedly looking at Xander while I did so. She’d crossed her arms and leaned back against a bookcase and calmly explained to me that no matter what happened, she was so broken inside her head that perfect happiness wasn’t even a remote possibility. It was sad. Even sadder was the fact that I completely believed her. I’d hugged her for a long time. It was weird to think that the next time I saw her she’d have her soul.

It wasn’t hard to find Angelus. He was just standing there by himself. I looked around, but could sense only him and Spike. I’d expected an ambush. Giles hadn’t wanted us to go, but we convinced him that if we couldn’t beat Angelus then no one could, and that not showing and risking more lives wasn’t worth it. Reluctantly my Watcher had agreed. It’d also keep Angelus busy while the ritual for Dru was performed.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Romeo and Juliet,” Angelus drawled.

Spike hopped up so he was crouching on the top of a tombstone, his face shifting to its vampire guise.

“What are we doing here?” I asked Angelus.

“Seeing as I missed you guys just so darn much I figured we could all go Denny’s and have a nice, family meal together. Y’know, spend some time catching up. I can reminisce with Willy here about how he always gets my sloppy seconds.”

Spike growled, low and menacing.

I rolled my eyes. “Can we just fight?”

Angelus shrugged. “Aw, you’re no fun, Buffy. I would have thought the boy here would have pulled that stick out of your ass by now.”

Spike lunged. Angelus met him head on. I pulled out my stake and began looking for an opening. They were trading blows almost faster than I could keep track of. I slipped inside Angelus’ reach and he barely managed to jump back as I struck. Then I was defending myself against the full fury of his attacks. I surprised myself by being able to keep up with his hits. After a few minutes I was able to go on the offensive. I landed a solid hit to his sternum and gritted my teeth against the sting in my hand. Resolve settled into my bones.  Angelus wasn’t walking away this time.

Angelus was good. I’d give him that. Even with me and Spike tag teaming him he held his own: blocking, countering, and sneaking punches or kicks in as he could. When Angelus got a lucky strike in and sent me reeling back a few paces, Spike used the opportunity to blindside the larger vamp and knock him to the ground. Angelus rolled over, a bruise blossoming on his cheek. He looked beat.

“Let’s finish this,” I said, stalking stiff legged with anger towards his prone form. “Just you and me.”

Angelus started laughing. “You never learn, do you? Little Miss Ego.” He rolled to his side and smiled cockily at me. “ ‘You and me’. This wasn’t about you, or even you and Drusilla’s dog. This was never about you.”

I froze.

“Buffy?” Spike asked. His hand settled on my shoulder. I shook and my stake slipped from my grasp. I looked up into my boyfriend’s eyes. “We left them alone. We left them all alone.”

Horror washed over Spike’s face. We turned and ran. Behind us Angelus laughed and laughed.

****

I couldn’t wrap my mind around what I was seeing. The Library was our sanctuary. My sanctuary. It couldn’t have been violated. The people I cared about couldn’t have been hurt if they were in there. My brain was refusing to make sense of the overturned furniture and scattered papers. Numbly I picked a book up off the floor. Giles was going to be so mad.

“Hello!” I yelled. At first I couldn’t see anyone, then I spotted Oz. He was pawing through books that’d fallen off a toppled-over bookcase.

His wide eyes turned towards us. “Buffy! Spike! I need help, Willow’s trapped under here!” Spike scrambled over the rail to the upper level and pushed the bookcase out of the way. He gingerly picked up Willow and carried her down to the table. I quickly shoved things aside to give him space to lay her down.

“Red’s alive, I can hear her heart beating. She must have gotten herself knocked clean out.” Spike’s hands were clenched into fists. Oz was standing mutely beside Willow, softly petting her hair.

A pained cry led me to Xander. He was sitting on the floor and leaning against another damage bookcase. Pale, sweating, and cradling his arm, he was doing his best to not break down.  I helped him to stand and limp to the middle of the room. Cordy appeared from under the Library counter. She was clutching the sword Kendra’s Watcher had express shipped to us. It was supposedly blessed by the same knight that’d stopped Acathla the first time. I was glad to see both Cordelia in one piece and the sword still in our possession. All the ingredients of the ensoulment spell appeared to still be there as well, even the Orb. If the vamps hadn’t been after the Orb or the sword, then what had they been doing?

“Where’s Drusilla?” Spike asked quietly.

“Angelus’ lackeys took her and Giles.” Xander said from between clenched teeth.

My stomach turned. I was shaking with rage and couldn’t think of the next step to take.

“Oz, call an ambulance.” Spike raked a hand through his hair. Oz darted into Giles office to use the phone. “How’d they get Dru? She should have been able to thrall them.”

Xander shook his head. “They grabbed her first, from behind, and tied a blindfold over her eyes. We hadn’t done the spell yet. It’s a little hazy after that. I think my arm is broken.” He looked down sadly at his wrist that was rapidly turning purple. “I’m sorry, Spike. I couldn’t stop them.”

“Not your fault. You tried.” He sighed and didn’t say what we were both thinking: that Xander could have very easily ended up dead instead of hurt. “Buffy?”

Oh, I had to make decisions now. “We need to move stuff, the spell ingredients and sword, out of here before Angelus figures out to come back for them. They can go in Oz’s van. And we need to figure out where Angelus would have taken Dru and Giles. I swear if he hurts either one of them…” Fury warred with terror in my stomach.

“I can find them.” Spike tapped the side of his head. “Sire-bond will lead me right to Dru.”

“Paramedics are on their way,” Oz said, walking out of the office.

Cordelia was gathering stuff off the table and floor and roughly shoving it a bag. “If my skirt gets ruined I’m so not talking to any of you ever again.” I frowned at her. Dru and Giles were hell knows where undergoing hell know what and she was bitching about her clothes? Cordy sniffed and wiped at her eyes as tears leaked down her cheeks.

My frown of disapproval turned to one of sympathy. I took the bag out of her hands and gave her a hug. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll see. We’ll get Dru and Giles back. I’m sure Angelus just wants them as hostages so we leave him alone while he works on the whole Acathala thing.”

Cordy sniffed again, then she drew in a startled breath and pushed me away from her. “Crap! I just remembered something. I was so scared and I didn’t figure it out before. Buffy, your house, your mom! One of the vampires said something about the other demons being sent for collateral to make the Slayer behave.”

Spike and I looked at each other and turned in unison to leave. We nearly ran into Snyder as he walked, sneering, into the Library.

“I should have known I’d find you in the middle of any trouble.” He glared at me.

Spike roared and slammed his fist into my principal’s face. Snyder went down like a ton of bricks.  I couldn’t care less if he was dead or not.

Two seconds later I wasn’t even thinking about him as I rushed through the empty corridors of the school.

Mom!

****

The door to my house was open. Why was it open? There wasn’t a light on.

Oh no, oh no, oh no!

I barreled up the front porch and burst into the house with Spike on my heels. The living room was a mess and the coffee table smashed. I could see a body lying in the entryway to the dining room.  My heart in my throat, I ran to it. But it wasn’t my mom. It was some horror-movie-fueled nightmare of a demon. Dark ichor leaked from a stab wound in its side.

I glanced at Spike but he shook his head. He had no better idea than I did as to what it was.

Lorenzo’s cage was over on its side, the bars bent. I was breathing fast and my heart was beating a million miles an hour. I bent over the cage, fearing the worst. The cage was empty. I heard a quiet, wheezing whistle and looked up. A very puffed up parrot was sitting on a still blade of the ceiling fan. He must have flown up there. Good on him.

Spike’s face fell and he pointed towards his ear and then the kitchen. He could hear something in there. I nodded and indicated with a finger we should head that way. As we crept closer I could hear a faint noise, it sounded like sobbing.

Another pale demon lay in a pool of black blood, its head gone, just inside the kitchen. I took another step forward and there was a crunch as a piece of broken glass I hadn’t seen shattered between my boot and the tile.

A vampire, yellow eyes feral and fangs snapping, vaulted up onto the kitchen island. I had my stake out and my arm pulled back to strike in less than a second.

“Buffy!” Spike’s hand clamped around my wrist, diverting my strike to the side so I missed the vamp.

“What are you doing?” I screeched.

Spike kept a hold of my wrist. “It’s Dalton.”

I turned back to the vampire that was crouched on the counter. His clothes were torn and he was covered in the black blood of the other demons. His glasses were missing, but now I could see that it was clearly my friend.  “I’m sorry! Dalton, I, oh god.” I put a hand to my head, feeling woozy.

Dalton slid down so he was standing on the floor. “I’m sorry too. I thought you were more demons. The smell is so strong I couldn’t tell it was you guys.”

“Mom?” I asked. The stake went back into my pocket. I felt horrible that I’d almost killed Dalton and I wanted to hurl the weapon as far away as possible, but I might need it before the night was over.

“Back here.” Dalton pointed to his feet.

I rushed around the corner and fell to my knees at my mom’s side. She was sitting against the cabinets, legs pulled up, her face in her hands.

“Mom! Mom!”

“Buffy?” She looked up. “Oh. Buffy. It was horrible. Those things came through the door and if it hadn’t been for Dalton…” Tears slid down her cheeks.

“But you’re okay, right?”

“I’m fine. Not so much as a scratch.”

I tilted my head up to the now uncomfortable-looking Dalton. For months he’d been pretending to be anything besides a vampire, but when it’d counted he’d let the demon out and saved my mom. He was a little worse for wear, I could see bruises and cuts all over him, but it was nothing some blood and a day or two wouldn’t fix.

“Thank you,” I said.

Spike was in gameface. He was pacing back and forth, his fists clenched. He stopped at the sound of my voice and walked over to Dalton to lay a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you, for protecting our family and our home.”

Dalton nodded solemnly.

“Boys.” My mom’s voice was weak. They turned towards her and I could see the pride shining in Dalton’s eyes. Spike acknowledging him like that had been a huge thing. Our family. Dalton was officially a minion no longer. I hoped he’d still make dinner. If the world didn’t end up going to hell and all that. My mom smiled weakly. “Faces,” she rasped. Both Spike and Dalton immediately had their human masks back in place. That was my mom, making sure they knew who was really in charge. Shakily, she got to her feet. “What now?”

“Angelus’ goons took Dru and Giles. We go and get them back.” My voice was ice.

My mom pursed her lips. “When do we leave?”

“Wait, no, you can’t…”

“And why not? Is Drusilla not part of this family? I’m not going to sit back and let her get hurt.”

“Actually, sticking together might not be the worst idea right now,” Spike said quietly. “She can carry one of the small crossbows and help guard our backs along with Dalton.”

Ugh. Why did he have to make sense? “Alright. We go immediately. Spike, show Mom how to fire and load the crossbow. Dalton, get the car ready. I’ll call the hospital. Xander’s going to have to bring me that sword.”

As the line rang and I talked to an operator and then a nurse. Finally, I was able to reach Oz. Xander was getting his arm put in a cast and Willow was still out cold. Oz confirmed that the sword was with all the stuff they’d brought from the Library to keep Angelus from getting his hands on it. He’d make sure Xander and Willow were okay and then meet us outside the mansion with the sword.

 As I stood among the debris in my living room one thought kept swirling around and around in my head:

Angelus was going to die.


	32. Love, Dru

I just want you to know who I am

            -Goo Goo Dolls, “Iris”

****

_Monday, May 18, 1998_

The engine of the DeSoto creaked as it cooled. We were parked down the street from the monstrosity of a house that Spike said was the one. It was butt-ugly. I found it sad that the fate of the world was going to be decided in such a hideous place. Though I don’t know why it mattered. If the place looked like something out of a _Better Homes & Gardens_ magazine we’d still be just as dead if we failed. I slid over on the bench seat and leaned against Spike as we waited on Oz to show up with the sword.

Spike intertwined his fingers with mine and rested his cheek against the top of my head. His thoughts must have not been all that far from mine. “ _Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice_.” He kissed my forehead. “ _From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire_.” 

In the backseat my mom whispered something to Dalton.

“The poet’s name? Robert Frost,” Dalton replied. “ _But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice is also great and would suffice_.”

My mom huffed. “How about we just don’t let it end at all?”

“Right. I second that.”  Spike tugged at my hand until I gave in and scooted up onto his lap with my legs stretched out towards the passenger door.  His arms settled around me and I snuggled against his shoulder. I breathed in his scent and sighed as he softly combed his fingers through my hair. I halfway expected my mom to say something, but maybe she realized we needed the comfort of each other as the fate of the world swung precariously over our heads.

We all stayed silent as we waited. I was just starting to doze off when Oz’s van screeched to a halt on the other side of the street. My eyes flew open and the four of us all sprang out of the car and towards the van. Oz jumped down from the driver’s side, but I was surprised to see Xander, one arm in a cast, exit from the passenger side. The sword was clutched under his good arm.

“Hey guys! Oz and Xander reporting for duty!” Xander excitedly pushed the sword into my hands.

“Willow?” I asked.

“Awake.” Oz smiled. “She and Cordelia were going to attempt the spell again in her hospital room.”

I nodded, relieved that Willow was awake and with it. Seeing her pale and lifeless had shaken me badly. “We need to get going.” My voice was much calmer than I felt.

“What’s the plan, Slayer?” Spike had lit a cigarette and was taking deep drags. He was nervous, too.

“There’s no use hiding. We knock down the front door and take whatever comes head on. Xander, Oz, I want you two looking for Giles. Find him and get out of there as quickly as possible. Dalton, Mom, you two look for Drusilla. She may be confused, but see if you can talk her into leaving as well.”  There was murmured agreement. I caught Spike’s eye. “Ready to fight?”

He pulled a stake from his duster pocket and twirled it. “Ready when you are, luv.”

I sent the sword swishing through the air with a flourish. I was ready. I turned towards the ugly house.

“Hey,” Oz spoke up and I looked at him and Xander over my shoulder. “Willow said tell you…”

Both Oz and Xander grinned as they spoke at the same time: “Kick his ass!”

****

We stood in front of the mansion’s ginormous front doors.

“Ready?” Spike asked.

“Ready.”

“Love you, Slayer.”

My breath hitched. Depending on what happened that could be the last time I ever heard that. I set my shoulders and tightened my grip on the sword. I wouldn’t let it be the last time. “Love you, too.”

Spike slammed his boot into the door and the warped wood gave way. “Ladies first.” He gestured and I ran into the dark interior, meeting a surprised group of minions head on. My sword danced back and forth, taking off a hand here or a head there. Spike had his stake out and was dusting minion after minion while I distracted them.

Behind us Xander and Oz went down one corridor and Dalton and my mom headed up a set of stairs. Hopefully me and Spike would draw the bulk of the attention and the others would have time to find Giles and Dru.

Spike and I battled side by side, taking on the seemingly unending stream of minions. When we saw Angelus heading into the central garden courtyard Spike yelled at me to follow him. I dusted one last vamp and ran after Angelus. He was lying in wait for me and caught me slightly off guard. He knocked the sword from my hands and it went spinning away to land who knew where. I raised my fists. I didn’t need a sword to fight him.

He pounced at me and I dodged, countering with a swift kick that he blocked. It wasn’t a dance. This fight was desperation. Not only our lives, but the lives of everyone on the planet hung in the balance.

After what felt like ages I was sweating and panting for breath and still the vampire’s blows didn’t cease. I needed a stake, or my sword back, because Angelus was stronger than me. Every punch I blocked took a little more out of me and I wasn’t returning hits with the frequency and force that I had been before. Exhaustion was looming around the corner. I’d gotten one good punch in and broke his nose, making blood stream down over his face and chin. He was smiling through the blood, his teeth stained red.

With a roar, he slammed his foot into my solar plexus, knocking the air out of me and sending me reeling through an open door and into the great room of the house. Acathla loomed above me and I whimpered. I forced my woozy knees to cooperate. Angelus would not win. Not while I still breathed.

Angelus wiped his face with one hand, smearing the blood. “Your Watcher cracked, told Drusilla everything. My blood, that’s the key the hell on earth. You ready?”

I struggled to my feet and raised my fists.

“Isn’t this cute,” Angelus sneered. “You’re all alone sweetheart, left to face the scary vampire by yourself.” He laughed.

I risked a glance around the room. I really was alone, but that was okay. I could do this. I gritted my teeth.

“I wonder where Spike got off to, hmm?” Angelus appeared to be considering his thoughts. “Guess he might have run off with Drusilla. Probably shagging her up a wall somewhere right now and not thinking about you at all.”

I didn’t react. “No.” Spike wouldn’t abandon me.

“No?” Angelus made a feint right then dodged left. “Then where is he?” I wasn’t fast enough. Angelus’ blood-covered hand reached for the sword stuck into Acathla’s chest.

“I’m right here.” Spike’s fingers clamped around Angelus’ wrist, just shy of Angelus connecting with the sword’s hilt. Spike was vamped out and blood was dripping down one cheek. Growling, he tossed the surprised Angelus away from the statue. Spike limped to my side and pressed a hand against my back. “You okay?” I nodded and wiped a trickle of blood from the corner of my mouth.

“You going to die for your piece of ass, boy?” Angelus bent down and picked up a stake from the ground. “I don’t remember her really being all that good.”

I grabbed Spike’s arm as he tensed to rush the larger vamp. “Don’t let him get to you,” I hissed. Spike snarled at Angelus but stayed beside me.

There was a screech and Drusilla, dressed in blood-red velvet, threw herself in front of Angelus. “Don’t hurt Daddy!” she yowled. “Bad doggies, stay away.”

“Dru,” Angelus said. “Move out of the way.”

She stayed put. “I won’t let them harm you! And look, I brought you presents.”

My heart sank as minions roughly pushed Giles and Xander into the room, followed by Dalton and my mom. All of them looked dazed and more than a little scared.

“If you so much as think about laying a hand on any of them, I will end you.” I was shaking with fury.

“Drusilla.” Spike sounded broken. “Don’t do this. Please.”

Drusilla was petting an annoyed-looking Angelus. She was running her hands over his chest and arms. “Oh,” she cooed. “But I have to, or Miss Edith said I’d have no cakes.”

“Oh, sod her,” Spike mumbled under his breath and I didn’t know if he meant the doll, Dru, or maybe both.

I wanted to shake Drusilla. How could she do this to me? To all of us? Had she ever really been the Slayer? Had she ever really been my friend? Or had she always been Angelus’ puppet?

Swaying slowly, Dru walked to the middle of the great room. She clapped her hands loudly. “Now you go, all of you, to wait for Mr. Sunshine.” As one the minions stopped what they were doing, dropped their weapons, and shuffled towards the front door.

“Drusilla,” Angelus said, his eyes following the other vampires as they left. “What the hell did you do?”

Spike laughed. “She thralled them! Bloody hell, you had me scared there for a moment, you crazy bint.”

Dru giggled and turned towards Angelus. “Not your girl any more. You thought I still was, but I tricked you.”

Angelus was starting to panic. His eyes were darting back and forth, looking for a way out, but my friends had picked up the discarded weapons and were surrounding him.

“But, the Watcher…you helped get the information…”

“The dear girl simply asked me to trust her, as someone that’d been my Slayer for months.” Giles was leaning against Dalton now, the vampire barely able to keep him upright. “So I did.”

“You were wrong, Angelus.” My voice was strong despite my exhaustion. “I’m not alone. I have family.” I smiled at my mom, Dalton, and Giles. “I have friends.” Xander and Oz stood up a little straighter. Xander was clutching the sword I’d dropped earlier. I was glad to see it. “I have love.” Spike wrapped both arms around me from behind and gave me a squeeze. Angelus rolled his eyes. “And in Drusilla I have one person in the world that knows what it’s like to be me. We shared a soul, in some ways she is me and I am her, and you can’t take that away from us.”

Drusilla’s hands clenched into fists. “I am not your girl anymore, Daddy, and I never will be again.” Her voice was raised and her eyes were locked on Angelus.

 Suddenly her face scrunched up with pain.

Drusilla’s body went stiff and she dropped to her knees. I ran forward just as a bright orange light flared from her eyes. Willow had come through. Drusilla had her soul. I crouched beside her and hugged her gently.

“How’s it feel?” Giles asked, worry lines joining the ones of pain on his face.

“Warm, and I know it’s mine.” She was holding up her hands and looking at them like she’d never seen them before. “It feels the same…and different.” She shuddered.

Xander kneeled down on her other side. “I’m here.”

“My nice boy.” Dru smiled at him for an instant, but then she gasped and frowned. “But I’m not a nice girl.” Her head tilted forward and her dark hair covered her face.

“Dru.” Xander gently brushed her hair back behind her ear. “You don’t have to hide. I know who you used to be, who this monster made you into. And I know the girl you are now, and that girl’s amazing. I…I love that girl…I love you.”

She tilted her face up to his. “I have to kill the past.”

“Um, okay.” Xander looked down and his eyes lit up. “I have a sword.” He pressed it into her hands and clamped her fingers around the hilt. He kissed her cheek and we both helped her to stand.

“Dru?” I asked. This wasn’t going to be easy. “I can do it, if you need me to.”

“No, this is for me to do, for my family. All of it, past and present.” She took a shaky step away from us and towards Angelus. “You killed my father, my sisters, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my teacher, my puppy. You murdered my mind, took my life and gave me hell instead. When I made something for myself, you tried to break him.” Pain bloomed in Spike’s expression. Drusilla was taking measured steps towards Angelus, the torn hem of her blood-red dress trailing on the ground. “But he survived you, and now I have to. I’ll never be your girl again, your dolly to play with.”

Angelus cringed back. “Drusilla, p-please…” His tongue stumbled over itself as Dru raised the sword high and brought it down in an arc. It slashed through Angelus’ neck and his head toppled from his body. He exploded into dust before it could hit the ground. Drusilla dropped the sword and fell to her knees, sobbing.  My mom was the first one to reach her. Lovingly, she gathered Dru into her arms.

Once Drusilla’s tears had started to ebb I rubbed a shaky hand over my own face. “Can we go home?”

****

_Saturday, May 30, 1998_

As had become the norm on Saturday nights, my house was packed. Even Giles was there, though he’d tucked himself into a chair in the corner and had a large, dusty book open on his lap. My mom had pressed a glass of wine into his hand right after he’d arrived. It was probably required when dealing with all of us at once. Lorenzo was sitting on his shoulder, alternating between whistling badly and preening his feathers.

Dalton was in the kitchen with my mom, making snacks and talking about her plans for the gallery.

Spike and I were sitting on the couch. Well, Spike was sitting on the couch, I was sitting on Spike with my feet in Drusilla’s lap. She’d just finished painting my toenails and as soon as they were dry I was going to do hers. I was turning the little bottle of pink polish, St. Louis Sorbet of course, over and over in my hands.

“Looks good on you, Buffy,” Willow said from where she was sitting on the floor with Oz. I wiggled my toes in happiness. Angelus was dead, Acathla had been pulverized in a rock crusher, and life was good.

Xander was on the other side of Dru, flipping through the TV guide and looking for something to watch. “Rambo II?” he asked.

“No!” Cordelia piped up from behind the issue of Cosmo she was devouring.

Giles looked up from his book. “Masterpiece Theater is on tonight.” We all groaned and he sighed before returning to his reading.

Spike moved his mouth very close to my ear. “I’ve got a secret.”  He nibbled on my earlobe.

“Do you?” I said, slightly breathlessly.

He hummed his agreement and tugged slightly on one of my earrings.

“Are you going to tell me?”

“Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes. “Spike, out with it!”

He chuckled and dropped his voice to a barely there whisper, his lips right against my ear. “I’m wearing your knickers.”

What? I sat back and scrunched up my nose at him. “You so are not.”  There was no way. He didn’t even wear underwear and he was so not going to start with mine. And I absolutely wasn’t picturing it.

He waggled his eyebrows at me. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“You are not.” I paused and leaned back towards him. “Which ones?”

“Thought I wasn’t wearing them.”

“I’m playing along.”

“Red silk and black lace.”

I thumped his chest. “Hey, those are new!”

“I know.” He smirked. “I figured you bought them for me anyway.” He had me there. I’d picked them up in Victoria’s Secret and instantly had been able to see Spike’s greedy gaze as he stripped them off my body. I guessed the other way around would be okay, but how did that work with…

My fingers twitched and I reached towards his waistband, but Spike caught my fingers with his. “Uh-uh, naughty girl. You’re just going to have to sit here with your mates and wonder.”

“You’re evil,” I said, exasperated. He was so lying. He was absolutely not wearing them.

“Guilty.”

Xander cleared his throat.  He was peering intently at the TV Guide. “Jaws 3?”

“No!” I said vehemently.

“Got something against sharks?” Spike asked.

I shivered. “Yes, they have a lot of sharp teeth, weird eyes, and they bite.” I was so not a fan of the sharkhouse at the aquarium, it always creeped me out. I’d rush through as fast as I could and be all goose pimply on the other side while waiting on my mom.

Spike blinked. “I…is that a problem, Slayer?”

“It’s not in a sexy way,” I grumbled and he poked me in the ribs. I swatted his hand just as the doorbell rang.

“Did someone order pizza?” Xander asked hopefully as he hopped to his feet to answer the door.

Spike nibbled down my neck and latched on over my pulse point, sucking hard enough that I was going to end up with a hickey. “Seriously? I thought you were a shark, not a suckerfish!” I snuck my hand between us and mercilessly tickled the sensitive area on his inner thigh, making him laugh and squirm as he tried to get away.

“Hello, honey.”

I froze for a second, then jumped to my feet, my face flaming red. “Uh, hi, Daddy. I thought you were going to call when you got into town?”

My dad’s eyes were narrowed. Beside him Xander was cringing and looking apologetic. The whole room had gotten very quiet.

Behind me there was the thump of Spike setting his boots firmly on the floor, then the rasp of his duster as he stood and pulled it tightly around himself. My knight gearing up for battle. Causally, he sauntered to my side and put an arm about my waist.

My dad glared daggers at him. A nearly silent growl quivered through my boyfriend’s chest and his hand tightened on my hip. It took me a second to parse out his hostility towards my dad. My father was another male that I shared blood with. It’d be in his scent. It probably felt to Spike like my dad would try to swoop in and carry me off as something that belonged to him. Spike was preparing to fight for me, if need be. It was sweet and completely unnecessary. 

My dad took a deep breath. “You must be William.” He didn’t offer to shake hands.

“You must be Hank.” Spike’s voice was low and deadly.

“Hank?” My mom’s voice was sharper than glass. “What, pray tell, are you doing here?” My mom stormed out of the kitchen with Dalton right behind her. My dad’s eyes got comically wide when they landed on Dalton.

“It is rather late on a Saturday for unannounced visits,” Giles said placidly from his chair.

My dad’s eyes snapped to him before roving around the now very full living room. “Buffy, who are all these people?”

Dru swayed up beside me and rested her head on my shoulder. My dad seemed to have no idea what to make of that. “Well…” I looked around the room at the people that meant the world to me. “This is my family. I chose them. I keep on choosing them.” I looked my father right in the eye. “I’d like for you to have a place in it, but you have to earn it.”

He nodded slowly. “And this is…” He was looking at Drusilla, who’d laced the fingers of one hand into my hair.

“This is Dru. She’s like my sister.”

My dad shook his head, puzzled. He focused back on Spike. “And how old are you?”

Spike smirked. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” I bumped his hip with mine. No matter how much my dad probably deserved it I still didn’t want Spike being a pain in the butt to him.

“Joyce, I don’t understand…” My dad sounded really lost. Dalton appeared to be taking cues from Spike and was frowning at my dad, anger clearly boiling right beneath the surface. My mom crossed her arms and scowled, not offering any help to her ex.

I stepped forward and put a hand on my dad’s arm, turning him away from the room. “I’m serious, I want you as part of my life, but first there’s a lot of talking we need to do. And we should do it tomorrow. Totally tomorrow. Come by the house and we’ll have lunch, okay?”

“Uh, yeah, sweetie, sure.” He turned slightly and jumped to find Spike right there.

Sighing, I nearly pushed my dad out the door. “Around noon, okay?”

“William, will you be here?” My dad glared at Spike.

I realized a millisecond too late that I should have jumped in and answered as Spike’s lips curled up in a Cheshire cat smile. “Sure will be, mate. I live here.”

“Tomorrow,” I reiterated to my dad’s stunned face before quickly shutting the door.  Spike had peeled off his duster and was hanging it up. I sagged against the door and melted a little. With the potential threat taken care of he was taking off his armor. Neither I, or my friends, made him feel like he was required to be on guard anymore. It made me smile.

“That was a blast,” he said, walking back into the living room.  He hooked a thumb into the waistband of his jeans and gave a little shimmy before sprawling back out of the couch. Like he’d been adjusting…oh my god…he hadn’t just been messing with me…and he’d been staring down my dad while…and later I’d…

I put my hand on my hips. “That was my dad, Spike. Could you have at least tried to be civil?”

“For some reason I find myself not real fond of the bloke.”

“Uh-huh.” I pursed my lips. “Well, you’re just going to have to pull your big girl panties up and deal with it.”

He tilted his head back and laughed. I couldn’t help the smile that flittered over my lips as well, even though I was trying to look stern. Spike patted his knee. “Come watch TV, we’ll figure it out later.”

I shrugged and made a detour to grab the remote from Xander, who only put up a token protest. He leaned against the back of the couch and Dru curled up and nuzzled into his shoulder.  Willow was sitting propped up against the coffee table and Oz was stretched out with his head in her lap. She was softly running her fingers through his hair.

I climbed onto my vampire and he hooked his arms around me and pulled me close. “What are we watching?”

“It’s Saturday night, so Channel 24?”

“Ah, The Golden Girls. Any complaints?”

The was a round of head shaking so I clicked the TV on and turned it to the right channel. My eyes fluttered closed as Spike cupped the back of my head and tilted my head so he could press his mouth to mine. His lips were soft and cool and I’d never felt more like I was exactly where I belonged.

The theme song blared from the TV’s speakers.

_Thank you for being a friend…_

****

_Wednesday, January 19, 2028_

_Paris_

I couldn’t quite figure out how I’d gone from being seventeen to forty-seven. An awful lot had happened in those years, but it still felt like they’d passed in the blink of an eye. Including whatever had happened with the portals and one of the times I’d died that made it so I looked and felt thirty instead of almost fifty.

My phone buzzed with a happy birthday text from Dawn. I sent back my thanks and a picture of the city view from the café I was sitting at. She was duly impressed. My phone had been blowing up all day with messages. Willow had sent me at least five. It seemed almost everyone knew that this was the special birthday, the one I’d never thought I’d see. The one a scared teenager had asked her immortal boyfriend to remember her on.

I was sitting alone at the tiny table. The winter wind swirled snow around my boots, even though portable heaters kept the temperatures at the table in a tolerable range. I ran my hands over the covers of the books I’d bought myself as birthday presents. They were swanky editions from a micropress and cost more than I probably should have spent. _The Sun Also Rises_ by Hemingway, written in Paris, and serving as a souvenir that’d I’d made it here, and _Pride and Prejudice_ because I’d never forget those early nights with Spike, when he hadn’t even known it was me in Drusilla’s body, but he’d read me the novel in that rumbling voice of his. I smiled at the memory. 

My fingers left the books and encircled the bracelet around my wrist. It’d hardly ever left that spot, except for occasional cleaning and repairs, for thirty years. It was time-worn, scratched and dented, a little like me. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“You wouldn’t believe the bloody line in there! I thought I was going to be stuck waiting until your next birthday.” Spike plunked two coffees and a croissant down in front of me.

 My smile turned into a grin and I stood, letting Spike sit down. He pulled me down onto his knee and I gratefully picked up the hot coffee. Its warmth seeped into my fingers. “I thought you’d gotten lost in there.”

He snorted. “I always find my way back to you.”

That he did. “I can’t believe I’m here,” I whispered. The lights of Paris twinkled like stars before my eyes.

“I can.” He ran up and down my arm. “I told you that you’d be.”

I tilted my head back so I could see those ridiculously blue eyes of his. “You can’t say: ‘I told you so’ on my birthday.”

He chuckled. “Alright, you win.” He broke off a piece of the croissant and popped in my mouth, probably to keep my quiet for a minute. Like mine had, his fingers circled around the bracelet on my wrist. “Hold out your other arm.” I dutifully did so and both his hands went to that wrist to fasten a brand new bracelet there.

“Oh,” I breathed, tears threatening. The top was a flat plate with _Buffy + Spike_ etched on it in swirling script.

“Happy Birthday, luv. May the next thirty years be just as amazing.”

I took a ragged breath as my feelings threated to overwhelm me. “You’ll have to find something else to give me, I’ve run out of arms.”

“Hopefully I’ll think of something by then.” He kissed the top of my head and hugged me tight against him. “Tell me again, Buffy.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

We sat together in silence, watching the city that was spread out before us. I’d carry this moment with me forever.

Spike’s hand dipped into his coat pocket and he handed me a slightly crinkled envelope. Puzzled, I opened it and pulled out a yellowed piece of notebook paper. I unfolded it to find a note, written in pink ink, and dated a few days from before we’d left the states.

_Dear Buffy,_

_Happy Birthday! I’ll be thinking about you all day, and while I know you and Spike will have a great time in Paris, I can’t help but be selfish enough to wish you were here so I could make you a cake. Xander and all the kids wish you a good day as well._

_I can never thank you enough for what you did for me. You shared yourself and that made me a better person. I could never have imagined that being cursed twice over, once when we started switching and again with my own soul, would actually be a blessing. An ever bigger surprise was waking up human. You made it possible. Every time one of my children smiles at me, I thank you._

_Dalton, Xander and I helped Spike pick out your present, so we hope you like it! We’ll see you soon._

_Love,_

_Dru_

 

~FIN~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading :-)
> 
> Please feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you thought, whether it's been ten seconds or ten years after this story was first posted!


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